Oh my god. I just wrote for an hour and it's gone...ugh... I wrote all about how I woke up in so much pain at 330am, couldn't move, baby started crying... Had to feed baby in dark while can't look down, turn my head from side to side or hold her up in my arms.... Wrote how the last time I felt this kind of stiffness was the day after I said good but to my biological father... And it gradually getting worse from the time we said goodbye.
I wrote about how he had given me the lantern for James, and signed the book he gave me... My first gift from him, Anam Cara, of which I have lost since getting pregnant.
I wrote about how I've lost three things dear to my heart in the past year, the book, my rainbow cupcake hat and my cross stitch. Gone. Ugh.
I wrote about how the ferry he gave us tickets for and we were in a rush to get to ended up being out of commission for a few weeks and how the quick goodbye was good for us.
I wrote how we drove up the malahat to Nanaimo through the rain.... And how the weather reflected my mood... then west past goats on a roof, through the old growth forest, to port albeirni where a rainbow came out . where again the weather reflected my mood...Through the mountains and into rain soaked, but clear skies, tofino
I wrote about our campsite and meeting these 2 men who were camping across from us by means of a solar powered rainbow light in a bottle....it's a really cool story.
And then james' alarm went off for work. I gave him D to cuddle with for a minute.. hugged them both and took her back to feed her... And went back to finish my post, to find it gone. Disparue. Every word gone. And I don't have the time to write it again. Ugh.
I woke up at 330 am in so much pain and remembered the last time I felt this stiff. It was when I said goodbye to my father.
That night I woke up in equally the same amount of pain as tonight at probably about 330am. In a wet tent on the earth and whimpered to myself as I lay in agony. The next morning it had gotten So great...so bad... I was in so much pain... I got stoned and finally gave into crying.
Britt came and sat with me and I talked out my emotions and just cried. Happy sad. The rainbow. And the pain went away.
So here I am. Happy sad. So I held my baby and cried... Then handed her over to james and went out under the almost full moon and cried... And stretched and tried to relax my body... And cried. This is hard this mom stuff. And I miss my mom... And my dad... And my step dad.
I am trying to keep the baby happy and everyone else... And I don't know how to keep me. I feel overwhelmed and grateful. I feel annoyed and think it's all funny, I am dark and light, yin and yang and I haven't cried in 2 months.
So I cried a little and feel a little better.... And then wrote and it all down and it disappeared...ugh.... . And now the baby is crying again, just pooped and I have to get up to drive James to work and feed this baby before we go. And my neck still feels stiff. Motherhood..2 months in. Lol
Maybe when I get back I'll try and let more go. Let more emotions rise to the surface. Let the pressure built in my shoulders find some release. Cry.
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