The hardest things

You know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something, you know its probably the right thing to do but there are so many ifs, your stomach hurts at the thought. You have a million and one reasons why you shouldn't do it... this happens when you should leave that job you hate, leave that partner who isn't good for you...making bug life decisions, where the unknown really is scary. But its those moments - I think- that when you get older you look back and say "why did it take me soooo long to do that, or worse - why didn't I EVER do that.

I had that feeling when I was dating my ex - the you-should-just- leave feeling - but I had a thousand reasons why I shouldn't, couldn't, didn't want to.... I know it would probably be better for me, but I just couldn't figure how to leave... where to go, how to survive.. whether it was the best decision... ultimately he made that decision for me.. and thank-god he did.....

So here I am again... Leaving.

Two years ago I planned this trip to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, and China. But I ended up in Africa volunteering.

I'm in this place where I know there's more for me than working at my current job.. The world has more planned for me... its just up to me to actually make it happen.. and that I can be small and live a cozy life, or I could just embrace that my life will never be conventional.

Going to Korea scares the SHIT out of me.. and that's why i know its one of those moments for me.. it feels sooo right, but I'm so scared...doing something for me for once.... closer to my dream trip.. closer in geography and financially!

Its funny how the things you know are your "destiny" are always the ones that scare the shit out of you... they are the ones that say "you know if you do this you will never be the same.. you will grow, you will evolve and you will never be the person you are right now.. EVER AGAIN."

I think I'm really scared of growing... leaving this person behind... I've always just wanted to be accepted.. been liked... been normal and I find it very hard to embrace that I'm not conventional.. that underneath all my layers I know I will NEVER be that person with the house the car, the husband, the kids, the job in downtown Toronto. Part of me wants it SOOOOOOOO badly. But then this other side of me knows...
I won't be surprised if I end up never having that conventional life.

That going to Korea is that first stepping stone to the rest of my life.. but that the destination is so far away you can't really see where the path leads.. you just know that its leading somewhere.
Robert Frost said it perfectly.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i don't think there's more to say tonight.....

The TRUTH about me and sex

So, over the past year I have grown considerably. I would have to say this is probably the best year of my life. I feel like life is starting to make a little more sense. What I know... I love to write. This blog started with my friends saying that I had such ridiculous stories and was so funny I needed to start a blog. What I realize is that much of my blog over the past year has really painted this very singular picture of me, and that I actually prevent myself from writing about more serious topics. I don't really open up about who I am... what I'm REALLY like... IT's sorta ironic.. this blog is sort of a purge but I hide all the good things about me.

I realized that I turned into this woman who wrote so that there was a certain type of guy that thought I was funny - I talk like a guy about sex and relationships...

How do I say this. I feel that I've been writing on here almost like I'm trying to impress a certain demographic of men... Here's the thing about me... I'm a little more sensitive, deep and whole than a lot of what I write puts forth...

There are so many thoughts going on in my mind right now I don't know how to vocalize it.

Let's start here...

Last night I had a moment.

It was our work Christmas party... I got sooo drunk. The party ended at around 9:30pm. everyone went home. The place cleared out... I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be by myself. So I conclude that i mine as well get laid.. I mean , I'm drunk, lonely and horny... why not. So I call 3 guys.

First guy I haven't seen since Superbowl... had an exam tomorrow... so was unavailable.
Second guy I've slept with twice and he is the most recent guy I've been sleeping with. He was busy with work stuff.

Third guy: it was this guy that I met in the summer. We went on a "date" we just went to a patio in August... chilled out, chatted. He was cute, but I was really trying to just "date" men and see if something more substantial could work out for me instead of just sexual relationships. Even though he was a nice guy we never saw each other again. There were a few reasons... one was that he didn't drink, we didn't have much in common... it was just one of those things. We talked on msn after we met and he told me that he would love to explore something sexual with me, that he thought I'd be alot of fun. He told me a few of the things he notice I do when I'm flirting.. things that I never knew I do. He was very observant.. and intrigued me.

So he was my last hope last night. I texted him.
He texted me back.
this is the conversation:
me: what are you up to?
him: nothing why?
cause I'm drunk
looking to have some fun?
ya
what do you want.. details....
naw I'm being silly- now here is when i start rethinking the whole thing.. that I shouldn't just sleep with him, that I know that it's not going to REALLY satisfy what I want in that moment.
just cock teasing again..all bark and no bite
k
are you mad now?
no

So I called. I wasn't mad at all. So I just called him and told him that I did really want to come over... and do dirty things.. he said that I could come over and see what happens.

I got there.. and gave him a hug and a kiss, had a beer, we watched comedy and cuddled on the couch. I kissed him a few times... around 12 he said that it was getting late and that he really didn't feel like doing anything else. He asked if he could drive me home...

Although a little disappointed it was said with such sincerity, I said of course. I told him not to worry about it.

He drove me home.

On our way home he told me that he really appreciated that I understood. THat he felt that he could just be himself around me, that he really appreciated that I didn't judge him. He said that when I wrote him he was a little apprehensive about me coming over because he didn't want to really do anything with me right away.... but that he really wanted to see me, that I have a way of listening to people where you can tell that they have my undivided attention. That he was surprised that I remembered things about him...

He told me a few personal things about himself... and he just said thanks. It was the nicest thing a guy had EVER said to me. And... it was the nicest thing in the whole world to be drunk and have a guy that was clearly attracted to me, say that he didn't want to sleep with me. It was an amazing feeling... and well I cracked...

This is why I think that if I sleep with a guy right away I can't date them... because I get this feeling when someone says they won't sleep with me. I have sex with random people to fill this void in me... the comfort.

I heard this somewhere recently.. its the moment right after sex that you lie in his arms... that moment that you crave. Its that moment I want, that safe, Divine, perfect moment. I crave that touch, that bond, that experience.. and I have just gotten used to quenching that craving with random sex.

I also realize that I have this notion that its all men ever want from me... and every time a guy sleeps with me it proves to me that I'm right.

I'm having a real hard time articulating what I'm thinking.

Every time I'm single, how detached from sex I am, gets worse and worse. I guess I feel that I use it to prevent me from getting hurt..... If I know what you really want is sex.. then I know I can provide... its easy.

Now don't get me wrong.. I really do enjoy having sex.. I just think that most girls aren't like me because for alot of people sex is alot more important to them. I think that its just become something so unimportant because its never mattered to anyone I've slept with....

how's that for a statement?

I have never had sex with someone where it matters to them.

The three boyfriends I have had, and slept with - all cheated on me.
I have never been told "I love you" from a man that I'm in a relationship with....

So why should it mean anything to me???
The irony? I can't hide from the fact that underneath all this make-believe.. it still does mean something...I just don't know what...

So I cracked last night... I rambled on about how nice it was that the man I was with said those things to me.. I told him that I'm just so used to guys just wanting sex that it meant alot to me that he wasn't that way. I kissed him on his cheek and said goodnight.

The truth about me and sex: I want to have sex that actually means something... I really want to be in love...it makes me sad.

This is the truth.. it doesn't mean that I will stop having sex with people I'm not dating... I don't really know how to be any other way....

but SHHH don't tell anyone.

in 10 years....

you know one thing that has been plaguing me recently is this idea of hindsight is 20/20. I mean, why is it that we always look back on things and can say.. if only I had done that... I've been thinking lately about my life in that regard. Looking at what I promised myself I would do when I was 16, what I wanted to do with my life before I saw all these things that prevented me from doing all that I wanted.

I promised myself I would travel, travel every summer. That I would work abroad, and I had a plan- go to university - go teach english abroad, do a cida internship, then I applied for a post-graduate programme.. I had a plan and it seems in the past 2 years that plan has just become getting by. No In the past 6 months I've grown alot, come to peace with alot of things and feel alot more "sane" and so the burning question is what now.

I have been refelecting and have come to the quasi-conclusion that I'm rushing my life, as though a husband, a family, the house, the car can't come fast enough. IT's safe. But is safe really what I've always wanted? will "safe" make me happy?

I finally realized that my mother's death really set me back, I mean I had planned all these things over the past 5 years, but then she died and my life was altered, my reality and my safety net were altered.... and I was lost. I felt incredibly safe in my relationship... as though that was the only thing that mattered. And, even though it was not a healthy realtionship it was safe.. i had my family and i think I would have been satisfied to stay there for the rest of my life..

But I'm constantly plagued by this notion of being 35 and looking back on my life thus far and thinking "what was I thinking?" I mean, 35 is 10 years away.. and it's still pretty young!

So with my sanity comes the urge to be insane... to pick up and fuck off... I think that since mom died I have been seeking the approuval of my family. Wanting to be that good girl that gets a job, gets a husband and settles down.... but I've been thiking that won't make me happy... that will be comfortable and is comfort really what we seek? I do want a career and work experience, but is that really what matter? I hear alot of older people say, you know I worked sooo many hours, for what? I enevr got to see my kids grow up! And that's where I sit right now, in this place where I realize that although comfort is safe, and getting the job, the house, the car, the husband and the kids is nice.... when I die will that be what matters? Or will i think... why didn't I just do that?

So that.... what is that? I want to travel, I want to work with kids... So I've been thinking about going to Korea to teach english. I had originally thought Japan because I've been there before and actually was offered a position, but expenses were too high and pay was too low... so Korea... and in contemplating Korea I've been thinking... in 10 years will I say "why didn't I just stay in Canada, settle down and establish my career? The more and more I ask myself that question.. the more and more I think there is no way I will answer yes.

I think that many of us get into routine and regret alot of what we do in life... I do not want to be one of those people. i want to have a family... but more than anything I want to be fulfilled, inspired and happy. I want to look back on my life and be proud for what I acconplished for how many times I stept outside the box and be proud of who I am and the mark I made in my short time on this planet. Life is about experience.. and how much really can you get out of the mundane routine that is life here.

I appreciate comfort.. its nice... but its not fulfilling.

And I think we forget that work is only there in order for us to have the things we want... right now work is only there for me to survive, and that's no existance to be proud of... So, can you have all that you want in life? That is the question.. there's only one way to find out.... by jumping off the cliff... cause the worst that can happen is I jump i hot the ground.. get up and go back to the same job!

and well one other thing i realized.... my mom died... it sucks but it's done, everyone else in my life has to still deal with that.. and its a life altering existance changing thing.... so its over with.... there's nothing keeping me here... I'm free... and I;ve gotten over the worst thing in my life....there's a freedom in that.. there's a peace.


a little diff

Jiri - maple leafs gaffe - are you kidding me?

OK, so i didn't have the pleasure to read the article in Wednesday's newspaper about rookie Maple Leafs Jiri Tlusty. But the headline in the Toronto Sun certainly didn't have much for wondering what all the commotion was about. Front page - the picture of him naked - with obvious parts being covered up. I have a few comments on this topic..

1. Is there nothing else to make front page news? Is a big newspaper like the Toronto Sun really that hurting for readers that it stoops to the levels of the national enquirer? I wish the editor of that newspaper had the same thing happen to him.. some naked pics he gave his wife, or her husband, were splashed on the front of the same newspaper. Its ridiculous.

2. Who the fuck cares... so what he wanted to get laid, he was clearly showing what he had to offer the girl.. or guy... on the other end of the interaction. And well, there's nothing wrong with being horny and wanting to get laid.. even if he didn't sleep with the reciprocator sometimes its fun to "fool" around with a complete stranger.. lol .. i know more than most! I mean just cause you weren't caught doesn't mean that you never have taken naked pictures of yourself... its been happening for years and years, now its just easier for the world to see. And if it weren't bad enough that any one could just search for those pictures... to have the SUN plaster them on the front of their newspaper is so childish.

God forbid Jiri, or anyone for that matter has a libido and wants to have fun. The mere fact that he was forced to apologize for the act is beyond me. It makes me so angry. Why are we so god damned judgemental. We all have sex. We all get horny... we've all done things we regret...

and for the person who posted them... do you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time? I mean i thought the same thing this summer when that girl sold her text messages from prince Harry to the media. Are you kidding me? The prince talked to you? would you not be flattered? why does everyone have to get something at the expense of someone else. Its retarded.

Then there's another thing.. the fact that people are talking about whether or not the pictures could be gay... really? WHO CARES... and how is it that a guy shows his penis and everyone thinks that he must be gay. It doesn't matter either way, but why is that the stereotype of gay men? Gay men are no more promiscuous then straight men.. or straight women for that matter. We are all individuals we all do different things... we all act differently why do people attempt to compartmentalize everyone... then once they've stereotyped them they are immediately prejudiced, judged and if anything is not "conventional" they are ostracized?

it makes me so mad.

Go get a life. Leave him be.. if he wants to get laid... he has every right to. He's going to get enough chirping in the locker room. And... well he deserves that from the boys cause they all know what its like... but its not an exclusive thing, its locker room banter.. its the boys club... let the boys be.. let them have their ridiculousness, that's what we love about boys.

I, in fact, had the pleasure to meet some of the leafs last year at a bar downtown. i hung out with them.. to my embarrassment didn't even clue into the fact that they were the leafs until one of my guy friends pointed it out..but i'm not a very loyal fan... I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years that watches hockey... I'm a fickle fan, i know how to get laid, you cheer for your boyfriend's team.. thats a no brainer...(side note!)

but they were just regular guys... In fact at one point I asked one of them, the one i had been hitting on for quite some time... once i realized that he was a leaf.. would you prefer that i think you are hot because you are hot? or because you are a leaf? What do you think his obvious answer was.

Now.. if you know me you'd be quick to assume I ended up sleeping with one of them... and although i sorta regret the decision I made.. i decided to walk away cause i didn't want to be that girl who fucked a leaf.. just to say i did... had i not known.. i probably would have.. and had the opportunity to do so... but i can only imagine what they go through with women who think that there's something more.. plus... clearly they have to worry about repercussions of their drunken actions. Why can't people just chill out and get that we are all human.. it doesn't matter what your profession... we all.. at the end of the day just want to get laid and have someone to cuddle with... and all the better if he's a leaf:P

that's my piece.

The roller coaster that is my life

You know I have this thing, everytime I write a posting i worry if I should have just, not written that one thing, or said that one thing... what if this entire blog comes back to haunt me, and then all i can think of is how its my life. I'm not ashamed, and I would rather people enjoy reading it because they can relate then pretend none of it happened.

I guess where I'm at right now is knowing that there is this side of me, and that some guys are enticed knowing that I am like this and some guys are very intimidated and put off by it. I think it comes right back to the judging thing. Guys can sleep with whomever they want to, and girls can't. If a guy was telling his buddies about this broad who was the worst head they had ever had it would just be shooting the shit, but if its a girl telling anyone about her experiences its dirty and wrong.

I go through fazes.. like most people, where sometimes I don't give a shit about finding a relationship because i get so discourraged and then my sexual frustration builds.. i take it into my own hands and make the decision that I don't have to wait for mr. right.. that mr. right-now will be an ok substitution.... But what I know about myself, is this usually always happens after I've gone on a few dates that I think have potential. Only to have the guys only want one thing... after that it takes a while to get back on track and be back in the mind space where I can fantasize that a nice guy will find his way into my life.

Its a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

I'm exhausted... I'll write more soon.

Finally the great Lay....

when you know its good, its really good, it doesn't even compete with any thing else. Its fun and light and risky and dirty and sensual and gentle and comfortable all at the same time... and in the end sex like that can only be found with someone you know. Its just the way it is.

So, on Sunday morning I woke up to an msn message form my ex that said that he couldn't stop thinking about sleeping with me.

THe funny thing is one of my biggest problems in our relationship was the sex. I never got it enough.. he never cared and I was miserable. But since we started sleeping together last November, it just has gotten better and better. I think it comes from having no concerns, knowing that you aren't going to say or do anything that threatens losing the other person, or being judged by the other prson. That you come together for that simple gratification and comfort.

we slept together once every one or two moths, he'd drive down, spend a night or two here and then go home. It was like having a boyfriend for that one or two days and then being single again. About 5 months ago he came over and we ended up fighting. He told me that he couldn't handle that I always acted like he was my boyfriend when he came over. That he wasn't.


So i hadn't seen him in 5 months. We had been talking, and I had since told him that he would always be that guy for me. Nothing was going to change. That sex with him was different whether he wanted to think otherwise or not. But that when he was here, that I couldn't change that.

See for me there is a fine balance. When it comes to sex... there are times where I will admit I feel used. I know that this will come as a shock to some of you because I sound like this woman who just doesn't give a shit when it comes to sex... but I do... and i have had days where I feel totally discusted and taken advantage of.. that I wish the guy would call, but know he won't ever because it was just sexual gratification for him. Ironically I do the same thing... I can also sleep with someone and it not mean a damn thing.... it is purely sexual gratification.

The point is, i think that i am admitting that behind it all i still want that connection. That even if its a one night stand it makes me sad that I am trying to find that connection so badly that I sleep with a stranger to comfort that need, its coupled with a sexual need, but its physical and emotional too.
TANGENT.. sorry...

So anyways, with an ex its different, for me. I don't want to be just another girl, I mean he certainly isn't just another guy for me. There's a connection that you can't get with a stranger.

So... now that I've rambled on.. I will get to my point. He came over... and .... like I had been chasing it for so long.. I knew exactly where to find it. It was amazing. It was just what I needed. It was dirty, and fun, and exciting, and sensual and comfortable and connected and kinky... all wrapped up into knowing the other person, and enjoying every moment of the experience. He didn't sleep over. He left and although I wish he would stay longer its one of those things. Brings you back to sanity. Satisfies an urge and allows you to get back to what matters in your life.

So the great sex I was looking for? was right where I left it... knowing that its very hard to find that great sex without the attachment and connection that comes from really knowing someone.

I guess I had just gotten to a point where I was so horny I lost sight of thats what I had realized over the past five months. That really i didn't want to be that girl anymore. That I want the intimacy, I want that real connection... and that it takes time. You can't just get that from a one night stand.

That because of my impatience to satisfy that need, i .. ironically have probably prolonged being single.... But i suppose that's what life is all about.. growing.

he's different...

so.. i was hanging out with one of my best friends last night and was talking about the latest man in my ife and I caught myself saying something that has become my latest saying.. "he's different"..."I've never met a guy like him before"...

So I've been on the dating market as you know... I've let myself fall for guy after guy.. and it seems that timing just seems to continue to not be in my favor. NEVER....

First there was Mike. I liked Mike. He was 33, he was an intellect, we hung out with my best friend and her boyfriend, they got along great. He took me camping, he had this deep sexy voice... he was pretty great. Two weeks after we started seeing eachother he called me and told me that I deserve more than he was willing to offer. That he just wanted to hang out and he knew that I was looking for something a little more long term. That he was in a time in his life where he was doing soul searching.. and he didn't know what he wanted, but that he wasn't ready to get into a long term relatiosnhip yet cause he didn't know what he wanted.

I took it respectfully and told him that he was right, I wanted something more... And that there really wasn't any point to be friends cause we didn't really know even if we'd like eachother. Then we ended up getting together again, hanging out with my best friends.. having agreat time. He kissed me good-bye. I was so confused, but decided to try not analyzing it too much. We ended up getting together again a few more times .. went camping... had a really great time together. We were dating.

And then he was over one night and did the same thing to me.. he told me that he thought i was falling for him and he didn't want me to get hurt... I told him that I would probably get hurt.. but I mine as well have fun and get to know eachother in the mean time. I asked him if he liked hanging with me.. he said yes, I asked if he liked getting to know me.. he said yes... so I said.. what's the problem??? we don't know where this is going.. we can just enjoy each others company for now... Then after thinking about it I decided to write him an e-mail.. in it I just told him that it stressed me out to constantly be on edge with where our relationship was going.. that I didn't care where it was going.. so long as there wasn't a cap on where it could go... and that his analyzing it constantly was stressing me out. I told him that if he was ever ready to date me that he should call me. I've never heard back from him.

Guy number 2: This guy I met, he was irish, great guy.. a little quirky, but fun.. we hung out the first day for like 7 hours. Hit it off... and then planned on getting together the next night. He didn't show up... I convinced myself that he was too big of a pussy to tell me he didn't want to see me again... that everything he said to me was a big lie... was convinced that maybe he hadn't really even given me his real name... then found out that he had been in a really serious accident that morning and had been in the hospital. Obviously concerned... I talked to him a few times.. but when we talked it was very short. I felt like the conversation was going no where and how much work was I going to put into this considering he was a little preoccupied... BAD FUCKING TIMING...

Guy number 3: This guy I met online... we talked off and on on msn for months then finally 2 weeks ago we met...  We had alot of fun.. and he really surprised me. When he left the next morning it was pleasant and the way he was talking was like he was going to see me again... taking it with a grain of salt.. i know how one night stands are... and was pretty sure that it was just nice to talk about

We ended up talking that night... and everyday since... he calls me, he calls me very endearing pet names... he makes me smile. He is very straight and told me that he's always dated and that he wasn't ready for a relationship just yet. I'm EXTREMELY accomodating.. and let's be honest.. this guy is great... so I figured I'd get to know him.. try to be friends... and see where things would go. In the process I've grown to really like him... stupid.. stupid... But when you've been single for over a year and a half.. and someone calls you when they say they are going to.. listens to you when you are having crazy shit in your life.. and tells you whats going on in his life.. its really really refreshing...

Inside all the chaos in my life right now... he's someone that seems like he'd be a good influence, not to mention he's extremely hot.. Anyways, we never saw eachother again last week and he said he'd make it up to me this week.. well the week is coming to a close.. and when I invited him over again... before the weekend, he reiterated how he really just wants to chill with his friends... understandably so.. I don't want to impose... but yet again I'm overcome by dissapointed that I met this guy at a shitty time. That he's not ready for a relationship but really not available to even hang out once in a while... REALLY SHITTY TIMING... so we'll see... I still really like him... but i guess i'm finding that doesn't seem to change much. You can't make someone ready..

So I ended up saying to my best friend last night "this guy is different..." and then looked at her and saw what she was thinking... "I know I say it about almost every guy.... but..." who knows... I certainly hope...

I mean I don't get it. I think I'm a pretty good catch. I've never cheated... I'm super accomodating, I bounce back from things incredibly fast.. I don't hold grudges, I don't linger on things... My normal state of being is happy... what more could you want?

lol.... fuck.... when is it going to happen.. just a nice guy who wants to hang out with me as much as I do him... who wants to have sex as much as I do.. and makes me feel fantastic.

the new crazies....

ok... so just when i thought my life was pretty uneventful.... drama hits an all time high.... we'll call him Mr. obsess... 'O' for short... so I met O on a dating website.... saw his pic, thought he was pretty cute... talked briefly on msn.. then had a great conversation on the phone. He seemed like a guy i could relly click with so we ended up getting together. our first date was wonderful, we just hung out til like 4am chatting...and I was super excited. two days later we ended up seeing each other again... had a great night, i met some of his friends.. he met some of mine... pretty low key, but fun... then at the end of the night something changed... we were driving home, and he was planning on spending the night and then all of a sudden said he'd just drop me off... which was cool with me, but at the same time I wasa little perturbed that he hadn't decided this earlier... but fair enough, things change...

anyways, this ended up in a HUGE argument... i have no idea why... but it was like he was fighting with someone who was mad at him.. and I wasn't... for example:
me: O it's ok you are going home.. it would just have been nice if you stayed that's all...
O: you just have to understand i have things to do...
me: ya that's fine with me but it would have been nice to cuddle...
O: why can't you get that i need to go home...

this escalated into me feeling like nothing i was saying was being heard and him completely convinced that i was trying to manipulate and coerce him into being here... anyways we ended the conversation and the next morning i woke up really upset about the misunderstanding... he basically wrote me off that day, and yet we ended up having a conversation later that day and i explained myself... it bothered me that we had had a fight over absolutely nothing on our second date.. but at the same time.. perhaps inebriation had a little to do with it.. and figured that it wasn't the end of the world... he suggested that if I thought we could get over it that he really liked me and wanted to see where things went. I agreed... oh no!

so we hung out alot for the rest of the week, but by the end of the week there were things that just weren't sitting right with me... plus the argument showed me a side of him that I didn't want to deal with in a relationship so i became very complacent about continuing to date him.. he noticed and called me on it and i basically confessed that i didn't see this going anywhere.... so we decided on being friends... and that was fine with me...

until he started calling me... 3 times a day, never more, never less... he'd call.. leave a message and then call 2 more times.. the first day i was just busy and didn't call him back.. then when I talked ot him next he said that he had been kicked out of his house and was looking for a place to stay.. that's about the time that i said good luck and quickly got off the phone before i said something really stupid.. like of well you can sleep on my couch!!

by this point i was getting to the point of well maybe I don't even want to be friends with this guy.. i mean if you are calling a girl you just met about finding a place to sleep... you don't have alot of friends in the first place.. and WHY IS THAT???

anyways, he said he was leaving to go back out west in a few days and that he'd like to see me before then.. i said.. well we'll see... and didn't call him back.. he called three times both days... now i was getting a little weirded out by the attention and thought i'd let him leave without seeing him... well then the day after he is supposed to have left i get a call late at night telling me he's in the city and wants to see me... that he's not going to be driving so maybe we can get together..if that's not a booty call i don't know what one is....

now you have to get.. i never slept with this guy.. we have decided not to date.. he has never even seen the inside of my house.. and he's calling me for a booty call... so by this point i have decided i probably won't ever call him back... he calls again 2 hours later and doesn' leave a message.

then... i get a call the next day while I'm at work and it says something like this "thanks alot for calling me back.. you've been a great friend... if you didn't dete4ct it that was sarcasm in my voice (as though you just needs to make sure that I get that he's insulting me) i didn't expect this from you... yadda yadda yadda... i know not to call again... have a good life.

so.. even though i don't like people being mad at me i decide this is probably for the best... let him be mad so long as he doesn't call again... WRONG...

last night... i get a call at 2 am... then again at 2:05. I answer... "what do you want"
he says: "why haven't you called me back?"
me: "dude its 2am.. i'm in bed sleeping.. what do you want..?"
him"that's all fine and dandy, but why didn't you call back?"
me"it's 2am!"
I hang up...

he calls back.. i don't pick up, he leaves a message:

"that's nice, hanging up on me... you are a fucking bitch(or something like that) I just figured you'd beout drinking like you do every night...i can't believe you.. fuck you... and some other things that i don't remember seeing as it was 2am and i deleted it off my phone right away...

OBSESS MUCH??

so there's my new drama for you... i don't know whether i should be scared or laugh... but now i know where the line is crossed between liking someone and being obsessed.. i mean I EVEN know when a guy doesn't call you back.. to delete their number from your phone book and move on...

C

the spring has arrived...

as so too has new dating experiences, new friends and... A NEW JOB!

how exciting is that... yes i will no longer be your 25 year old.. university degree server... but now I'll be a 9-5 university graduate with a job that has nothing to do with my degree! yay I'm joining the 'normal' population!

just re-read my last entry... i have nothing that exciting to talk about.. more than likely there are just too many rediculously random things that have happened to me in the past 3 months that I don't even remember half of them...

i've joined beach volleyball, bought a bike, made it to a 5th date with a guy then decided he wasn't right for me... drank alot and been pretty good...

but now that its spring, I'm sure there will be new adventures of me... and I'll be writing more often!
A

long time no write

well, its been a while... a little hiatus, time to reflect, reconsider whether I want the whole world.. or those very few that read my blog to know EVERYTHING about me. BUT.... this just had to be written, so I'm back.... and i'll fill you all in on my life's happenings over the past few months.

So.. I'm still on dating websites... the caliber of man that I am meeting seems to be going up and I am very excited about that.... but I need to cut to the chase... there's this guy... lets call him AD... well AD sends me a message on lavalife a while back, very cute pic, cute profile, so I write him back.. we add each other to msn, talk very briefly...

now here's the thing about msn, I don't particularly like it, its impersonal...disconnected... if like only 15% of what you communicate is the actual words... through msn you miss out on a very large portion of the communication... which always causes problems. .. so I don't really like msn to get to know guys... if you add me, we talk a few times great.. but invite me to go for coffee or something.. figure if we have any chemistry at all... and then get to know eachother....

so well guys who add me i'm sorta indifferent with them, i may talk to them, i may not, but i am certainly not going to not pick up the phone if it rings, or talk to other friends while i'm talking to a guy i don't know on msn....

this is my introduction.. you know setting the mood...

so this guy... AD .. haven't talked to him in a while, so last night I figure, why not say hi, he looks cute, put together... no harm done.. i don't know much about him, so within the first few minutes of us talking I ask him what he's looking for... he says just friends.. fair enough, great relationships can come from just friends... so then he tells me to tell him about myself... i don't know... I ask him to ask a question cause i don't know where to start... so he does... he asks me what my favorite colour is.. ok, so a little odd, and slightly on the "we are in grade two" but always given the benefit of the doubt... so i say pink... then he asks me what shade... and makes a joke about being metrosexual...

ah well, cute still a little weird.. cause I don't know.. when you are trying to get to know someone their favorite colour isn't very high on my list of priorities... maybe whether they are a picky eater.. politics, religion.. you know the big things.. cause if you aren't compatible on the big things... it probably has no foothold to begin with...

so back to colour... my phone rings.. its my cousin.. i go and talk to her... but i say to this guy i'll be right back..just to be polite...

i'm gone for 15 minutes, when i get back i realize that I really want a bath.. that's it... well i wish i had a transcript of this guys reaction to me... it was downright rediculous... basically he told me how much he hates lavalife girls, that he already deleted them all.. I was quite taken aback.... all i said was "hey AD I'm going to have a bath now, maybe we can talk again soon!" so.. he tells me how he doesn't know... cause he sees what lava girls are like... that the fact that i ditched him for a bath shows him something already... like where the fuck did that come from.. I DON'T KNOW YOU...

well if you haven't figured out that i am a little emotional and a little sensative... i am... i'm sorta surprised that i have given this impression of indifference and have offended this guy in any way..maybe he's a great guy.... maybe I shouldn't just walk away from the computer for once...

so our conversation keeps going.. i basically don't really know whats wrong.. but appologize for anything some girl must have done to him to make him so calous, jaded and pissed off at the world... i guess in the process he realizes that maybe I'm not that bad of a person....but I still feel like I'm trying to prove myself to this guy that I don't know... anyways, he finally asks me to call him so he can appologize, and "make nice"

i tell him at first that i won't cause as far as I am concerned I feel scrutinized and judged based on things that have nothing to do with me... and that's not fair... but again trying to see life from this guys angle, i realize that maybe something crappy happened to him that day.. i caught him at a bad time, he took out his frustrations on me and now he wants to appologize, so i call him...

me light humour.. but cut to the chase... expecting a normal guy on the phone I make light of the situation, expecting an appology, but tell him straight up how rude he was... god I wish I could tell you everything that was said... essentially this guy is the epitome of ADHD, manipulation and schitzo... he doesn't appologize but basically tries to explain to me that he was just annoyed at the fact that a few times i had come online,. said hi, then fucked off... fair enough, hadn't thought about it that way.. sorry...

but no appology.. i say to him, if you were so upset about that, why did you go right around and act like an asshole.. i mean an eye for an eye right? he doesn't get it...
basically everything i said he didn't listen too, he actually said some things later in the conversation taht i had already said.. and talked about them as though I didn't know (like that msn is incredibly disconnected and lacks alot of the communication) he'd ask a question.. I'd start telling him, and then all of a sudden in the middle of me talking he'd ask another random questions.... like " so where do you work?"...then i'd tell him and then before I was done he'd say so.. what did you get your degree in...

finally i had enough i asked him.. do you have a low attention span? YES.... he is ADHD.. crazy adhd....

this conversation gets better.. i can't type fast enough... ok, fair enough, people have disabilities... at one point he goes on for 5 minutes about how right now he's just looking for friends, that its hard to be friends with guys, so he prefers girls.. nothing sexual "that he has learned to control his hormones.. that he just wants to have more friends to chill with.. blah blah blah.. 5 minutes I swear to god...".. the he says "but i think you are looking for a relationship.. and well I think you are still looking for a relationship..." as though he had had a conversation with me, and I was trying to convince him taht I wasn't.... anyways, so later on I have made it very clear that I am looking for a relationship, that friends is just not where its at for me, and that being friends with a guy for no purpose of potential relationship.... when I met them off the internet is not what I want.. i have guy friends...

he basically declares that we are in a predicament cause I want somehting more and he wants something else.... fair enough... I agree.. I am at the point now where I really just don't like the guy.. think he's weird... and well really just don't want this to go anywhere.... but then he proceeds to ask me to send some pictures over.. remember.. ADHD... low attention span.. clearly doesn't rememebr what we just talked about...

i say why? I thought you just wanted to be friends.... what does it matter what I look like? apparently it does... oh there's another part to this conversation.. but I don't know how to write it to explain how crazy this guy is... anyways, I tell him naw.. its ok...that I'll think about it... blah blah blah... then he basically goes into analysing me... AGAIN... i say you know what.. I said I didn't want friends... I certainly don't want fuck friends.. and didn't you just tell me that you weren't interested in sex... that you "know how to control your hormones?" "well ya,. but you know there's nothing wrong with having someone you share an intimate connection with ... blah blah blah.. finally I said " you know what... I'm tired I need to go to sleep" his reaction "oh I see how it is" OH YES YOU DO MR. YOU ARE CRAZY.. I STAYED ON THE PHONE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TOO LONG... and now I realize that I'm losing time in my life that I will never ever get back talking to you...

so, politely i said, I'll talk to you soon, which was returned by unh hunh.... and then hung up the phone went immediately to msn and blocked and deleted him!.....

like I said.... I'm back!