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Friday, November 30, 2007

in 10 years....

you know one thing that has been plaguing me recently is this idea of hindsight is 20/20. I mean, why is it that we always look back on things and can say.. if only I had done that... I've been thinking lately about my life in that regard. Looking at what I promised myself I would do when I was 16, what I wanted to do with my life before I saw all these things that prevented me from doing all that I wanted.

I promised myself I would travel, travel every summer. That I would work abroad, and I had a plan- go to university - go teach english abroad, do a cida internship, then I applied for a post-graduate programme.. I had a plan and it seems in the past 2 years that plan has just become getting by. No In the past 6 months I've grown alot, come to peace with alot of things and feel alot more "sane" and so the burning question is what now.

I have been refelecting and have come to the quasi-conclusion that I'm rushing my life, as though a husband, a family, the house, the car can't come fast enough. IT's safe. But is safe really what I've always wanted? will "safe" make me happy?

I finally realized that my mother's death really set me back, I mean I had planned all these things over the past 5 years, but then she died and my life was altered, my reality and my safety net were altered.... and I was lost. I felt incredibly safe in my relationship... as though that was the only thing that mattered. And, even though it was not a healthy realtionship it was safe.. i had my family and i think I would have been satisfied to stay there for the rest of my life..

But I'm constantly plagued by this notion of being 35 and looking back on my life thus far and thinking "what was I thinking?" I mean, 35 is 10 years away.. and it's still pretty young!

So with my sanity comes the urge to be insane... to pick up and fuck off... I think that since mom died I have been seeking the approuval of my family. Wanting to be that good girl that gets a job, gets a husband and settles down.... but I've been thiking that won't make me happy... that will be comfortable and is comfort really what we seek? I do want a career and work experience, but is that really what matter? I hear alot of older people say, you know I worked sooo many hours, for what? I enevr got to see my kids grow up! And that's where I sit right now, in this place where I realize that although comfort is safe, and getting the job, the house, the car, the husband and the kids is nice.... when I die will that be what matters? Or will i think... why didn't I just do that?

So that.... what is that? I want to travel, I want to work with kids... So I've been thinking about going to Korea to teach english. I had originally thought Japan because I've been there before and actually was offered a position, but expenses were too high and pay was too low... so Korea... and in contemplating Korea I've been thinking... in 10 years will I say "why didn't I just stay in Canada, settle down and establish my career? The more and more I ask myself that question.. the more and more I think there is no way I will answer yes.

I think that many of us get into routine and regret alot of what we do in life... I do not want to be one of those people. i want to have a family... but more than anything I want to be fulfilled, inspired and happy. I want to look back on my life and be proud for what I acconplished for how many times I stept outside the box and be proud of who I am and the mark I made in my short time on this planet. Life is about experience.. and how much really can you get out of the mundane routine that is life here.

I appreciate comfort.. its nice... but its not fulfilling.

And I think we forget that work is only there in order for us to have the things we want... right now work is only there for me to survive, and that's no existance to be proud of... So, can you have all that you want in life? That is the question.. there's only one way to find out.... by jumping off the cliff... cause the worst that can happen is I jump i hot the ground.. get up and go back to the same job!

and well one other thing i realized.... my mom died... it sucks but it's done, everyone else in my life has to still deal with that.. and its a life altering existance changing thing.... so its over with.... there's nothing keeping me here... I'm free... and I;ve gotten over the worst thing in my life....there's a freedom in that.. there's a peace.

a little diff

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