The hardest things

You know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something, you know its probably the right thing to do but there are so many ifs, your stomach hurts at the thought. You have a million and one reasons why you shouldn't do it... this happens when you should leave that job you hate, leave that partner who isn't good for you...making bug life decisions, where the unknown really is scary. But its those moments - I think- that when you get older you look back and say "why did it take me soooo long to do that, or worse - why didn't I EVER do that.

I had that feeling when I was dating my ex - the you-should-just- leave feeling - but I had a thousand reasons why I shouldn't, couldn't, didn't want to.... I know it would probably be better for me, but I just couldn't figure how to leave... where to go, how to survive.. whether it was the best decision... ultimately he made that decision for me.. and thank-god he did.....

So here I am again... Leaving.

Two years ago I planned this trip to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, and China. But I ended up in Africa volunteering.

I'm in this place where I know there's more for me than working at my current job.. The world has more planned for me... its just up to me to actually make it happen.. and that I can be small and live a cozy life, or I could just embrace that my life will never be conventional.

Going to Korea scares the SHIT out of me.. and that's why i know its one of those moments for me.. it feels sooo right, but I'm so scared...doing something for me for once.... closer to my dream trip.. closer in geography and financially!

Its funny how the things you know are your "destiny" are always the ones that scare the shit out of you... they are the ones that say "you know if you do this you will never be the same.. you will grow, you will evolve and you will never be the person you are right now.. EVER AGAIN."

I think I'm really scared of growing... leaving this person behind... I've always just wanted to be accepted.. been liked... been normal and I find it very hard to embrace that I'm not conventional.. that underneath all my layers I know I will NEVER be that person with the house the car, the husband, the kids, the job in downtown Toronto. Part of me wants it SOOOOOOOO badly. But then this other side of me knows...
I won't be surprised if I end up never having that conventional life.

That going to Korea is that first stepping stone to the rest of my life.. but that the destination is so far away you can't really see where the path leads.. you just know that its leading somewhere.
Robert Frost said it perfectly.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i don't think there's more to say tonight.....