when you know its good, its really good, it doesn't even compete with any thing else. Its fun and light and risky and dirty and sensual and gentle and comfortable all at the same time... and in the end sex like that can only be found with someone you know. Its just the way it is.
So, on Sunday morning I woke up to an msn message form my ex that said that he couldn't stop thinking about sleeping with me.
THe funny thing is one of my biggest problems in our relationship was the sex. I never got it enough.. he never cared and I was miserable. But since we started sleeping together last November, it just has gotten better and better. I think it comes from having no concerns, knowing that you aren't going to say or do anything that threatens losing the other person, or being judged by the other prson. That you come together for that simple gratification and comfort.
we slept together once every one or two moths, he'd drive down, spend a night or two here and then go home. It was like having a boyfriend for that one or two days and then being single again. About 5 months ago he came over and we ended up fighting. He told me that he couldn't handle that I always acted like he was my boyfriend when he came over. That he wasn't.
So i hadn't seen him in 5 months. We had been talking, and I had since told him that he would always be that guy for me. Nothing was going to change. That sex with him was different whether he wanted to think otherwise or not. But that when he was here, that I couldn't change that.
See for me there is a fine balance. When it comes to sex... there are times where I will admit I feel used. I know that this will come as a shock to some of you because I sound like this woman who just doesn't give a shit when it comes to sex... but I do... and i have had days where I feel totally discusted and taken advantage of.. that I wish the guy would call, but know he won't ever because it was just sexual gratification for him. Ironically I do the same thing... I can also sleep with someone and it not mean a damn thing.... it is purely sexual gratification.
The point is, i think that i am admitting that behind it all i still want that connection. That even if its a one night stand it makes me sad that I am trying to find that connection so badly that I sleep with a stranger to comfort that need, its coupled with a sexual need, but its physical and emotional too.
TANGENT.. sorry...
So anyways, with an ex its different, for me. I don't want to be just another girl, I mean he certainly isn't just another guy for me. There's a connection that you can't get with a stranger.
So... now that I've rambled on.. I will get to my point. He came over... and .... like I had been chasing it for so long.. I knew exactly where to find it. It was amazing. It was just what I needed. It was dirty, and fun, and exciting, and sensual and comfortable and connected and kinky... all wrapped up into knowing the other person, and enjoying every moment of the experience. He didn't sleep over. He left and although I wish he would stay longer its one of those things. Brings you back to sanity. Satisfies an urge and allows you to get back to what matters in your life.
So the great sex I was looking for? was right where I left it... knowing that its very hard to find that great sex without the attachment and connection that comes from really knowing someone.
I guess I had just gotten to a point where I was so horny I lost sight of thats what I had realized over the past five months. That really i didn't want to be that girl anymore. That I want the intimacy, I want that real connection... and that it takes time. You can't just get that from a one night stand.
That because of my impatience to satisfy that need, i .. ironically have probably prolonged being single.... But i suppose that's what life is all about.. growing.
No comments:
Post a Comment