The truth about stepping out...

So you know how months ago I talked about the stepping out, the not knowing what would happen once you did... but the not doing it is what you regret?? Well I stepped out.. I've spent the last 2 months in Korea... and I just got back from Thailand. I'm living the life I've always dreamed of, the life that extends to all corners of the globe and allows me the ability to meet countless people and share in their lives.

I'm growing in so many ways.... With men... I find myself... taking baby steps, but growing none-the-less. For the first time last week I told a friend that I couldn't sleep with him cause... even drunk and and lonely I realized the pay and cost and valued his friendship more than a one-night stand.. but more than that.. I realized that sex really does mean something to me... and that I really want to share it with someone...

So for the first time, I didn't just think it, but I stood my ground although some of his argiment was very tempting... I'm proud of my decision. IIt has given me this power over myself... over my impulses... its still in its trial fases... but trial is better than a distant hope.

I'm still the optomist I've always been, and I still believe that I will find that guy to sweep me off my feet evetually, and now that I am doing what I love to do, and that I am happy, it seems more likely to find someone that is compatible with that hope.

As for my spirit, being in Thailand really brought me home... I felt so at peace in that country... and the more I just have faith... life just works.... so, my beliefs... are finally establishing themselves inside myself... and what's very interesting is they are so far from how I usually live life.. they are in a part of me that is not rational or analytical.. its this deep acknowledgment with the universe, its internal and it makes no sense.. and therefor I do not try to defend it or explain it.. it just is. I just am.

I came home to Korea and although its hard to come "home" to a country that isn't home... I know why I am here, I am so clear that this year has a purpose.. and not only do i get to have an adventure by being here, but it will allow me to have the biggest adventure of ALL... to fulfill my dreams. And, well meet people along the way that will be able to share my story with me.

There are times that I am incredibly lonely and miss home... my friends, but knowing the bigger picture, knowing what I really want in life is soo fulfilling.

I am happy.

I made my choice.. and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Korea--- stepping out

So I started another blog as a way of telling my friends and family about my adventure in Korea, and yet I find myself confused as to what to write there. I have no idea what to tell them, those that I want to talk to, know about this blog, and love me for all my faults... so I find it almost like its a fake piece of work to just tell people about the silly nuances of the day/week.

I just feel like this has given me the outlet to just express who I am and what I am thinking in the world. So, I find myself at 2:40am writing my thoughts.... HERE.

So I am in Korea, yes, I am here. I have made it!

I promised myself that I would not leave Canada if I was running away from anything.
And, so I left Canada, incredibly happy. In fact very sad to be leaving, but thankful that i had realized what I wanted in life... at least for right now and am taking it on.

I arrived two weeks ago... the weird thing is that I am so much at peace here I really don't know even what to think. I am usually the kind of person that needs to tell everyone about everything... many of my friends, I'm sure, tend to feel overwhelmed by my ability to make things about me.. and I know that sometimes they feel like its not enough about them.... The funny thing is that I find it rather uncomfortable at times.... when I try to inquire about their lives or ask questions and they don't have much to say.... so I try to make them feel like they don't HAVE to talk, by talking about myself.... because... well I ALWAYS have something to say lol!

Well... back to what I was saying... I find it very weird that I arrived and I have barely called home.. I just don't know what to say. Yes, EVERYTHING is different... and yet... its home.

Its home because I am here... and right now I am just being in the moment.

Now.. at the same time... there is this feeling that creeps up from time to time... its a sadness that hangs just behind my breathing.. as though to remind me that my friends aren't here, but more importantly, my mother isn't alive...

Its a difficult feeling... I felt it before in Zimbabwe. Its that tinge of sadness that arises from knowing that my mother is not there to call, or ask when I am coming home.

Although I am so thankful for the freedom... not having her to verbally share my adventure with makes it seem almost redundant... its a feeling of resignation. And yet... I am incredibly happy... so you figure it out!

Anyways, I am here. And I am letting life live through me... what will happen this year, who knows... but I do know that what ever does... its going to be an adventure... and life altering.

I truly am astonished at where I am today. Considering all the crazy things that have happened in my life, and where i was, not 2 years ago.

I don't really know this woman. She is calm, and neutral, just taking things in. Its relaxing but also very strange to know that you have grown up so much and that your view on most things has changed considerably.

So that's where I am at.. a little confused.. and just living in the moment... just being.... this time though... IN KOREA BABY!

happy happy joy joy

So sooo much has been happening in my life since I made the decision to go to Korea, everything seems just to fall into place. I'm so happy. There's too much, but I'm going to try to write as much as possible because this is really the only place I really express whats going on for me.
So I guess I'll just write about the most recent changes.

First. I have never been so happy in all my life, I have really gotten to a place where I am thankful! REALLY REALLY thankful for everything that has ever happened to me. And SUPER excited about my futre. Not only about going to Korea but I came across this new business opportunity too that has really opened my eyes to whats possible and I've really started asking myself what I want in my life. Something I've never really done.

A couple weeks ago on a thursday night I asked myself what I wanted t do. I answered.. go to the bar, watch some hockey. Now I realized thatI really enjoy watching sports, but have always equated that with having a boyfriend. So I went to the baar and watched hockey.

The following Sunday I asked myself again the same question and decided to go to watch football. I had so much fun. I hadn't watched football in two years, i went with my book and this group of guys befriended me and I hung out with them all night. It was such good times. And now its become routine. I go to the bar on sundays, they show up, invite me over and we chill out.

Its really great to have some time with the boys too, haven't had that in so long and I really enjoy just chatting cause I can really be one of the boys. shooting the shit, giving a different perspection on things. One things I have realized about myself is that FINALLY i'm not as concerned with impressing people, I just say whats on my mind, and its thrilling. In fact I've been doing it more and more, even if its uncomfortable. I've always been the kind of person that compromises everything to make everyone else happy and always at the expense of myself. So FINALLY realizing what I WANT has allowed me to be straight. I guess I was so preoccupied with everyone else's happiness in the past that I never asked myself what I WANT. So I've found my voice.

As for this busines opportunity it is thrilling I'm wrking with people that I admire and appreciate and respect. Its a company that is really about helping the people around you become financially independent while making you finacially independent too. The idea of helping other people out and in turn taking care of yourself is perfect for me because finally i can put other people first and still not be selling out on myself. I'm so clear about how much i love people, and appreciate people. I just want the best for everyone.

As for my ex. My best friend did the kindest thing for me a week ago, she called me and told me it was ok to care about him to talk about him and that she understood if I couldn't just let him go yet. It was the kindest thing because all of a sudden I no longer had to prove his worth, no longer had to stand up for why we were together for so long and so I'm coming to peace with that chapter of my life and I'm ready to move forward. Give him my love, but not my heart. I realized that he really has had my heart for 4 and a half years and that's most likely why I haven't had a boyfriend cause there was no room in my life for anyone eles. I'm so clear right now what I want and what I deserve its intoxicating that I'm so certain about it, its so much easier to move forward.

This business opportunity has really enabled me to sit down and think about if money were not an issue, what would I want. I realized I want a house in Canada where no matter where I am in the world I have a place to come home to. I want it to be on a lake, with a huge porch and big backyard. I want a games room with a pool table, a bar, a huge tv, soundsystem, dvds, music a place to just chill and relax and have fun. A place where people feel like they want to hang out in.

I want my dream car, I want a bug convertible, banana yellow with a chiquita sticker painted on the back. But then when I started thinking about that I realized that it wouldn't be the most condusive vehicle for me in the boonies. That maybe I want a jeep, and then when I was thinking about the kind of guy I want i realize I love men with trucks and then it dawned on me.. fuck it. I WANT A TRUCK a huge 4x4 pickup truck, so I can go camping and through wood in the back and help people move. I want a kayak I want to be able to travel wherever whenever, I want to have enough money so no matter where I am in the world I can come home anytime for any duration of time. I want to be able to do international development without worrying about money.

I'm so excited about my future. I'm so excited about life. It's thrilling.

But most of all I'm sooo happy, it feels like my heart is just so open it hurts. I'm just in this place where I love myself and everything about my life. So thankful for EVERYTHING.

There's a pride that comes from getting through the hard times, coming out on the other side. Its self assurance, self worth like nothing I've ever experienced. the dalai lama says, that its the tough times in life where we grow the most that's why its so painful.

The book eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert also opened up alot of ideas for me, it has really opened my mind to things and inspired me to just LIVE.

thanks for letting me share!

men... the bane of my existance.. truly!

So you know how I was talking about Korea and the hardest things in life..the things that you are scared of, are usually the things you ought to do? they are the things that force you to become the person you are meant to be? That you just have to take that leap of faith...

Well, they usually consist of walking away from a safety net. .. walking away from what you know to be normal...what you know to be safe... Well this could be no more true than in the case of my ex-boyfriend.

he's an ass. we all know that. but I cannot help myself but to be a retard around him. I don't know why, other than i must loathe myself or something almost as awful.

He is the addiction i can't kick, he is my guilty pleasure. But more than that why i am the way i am with him kills me.

If you've read any of my history you know that we broke up two years ago. I came back from Africa, and thought we were going to work on things only to find out he was enjoying my time away by moving swiftly on, and not only shagging(pardon my english reference i've been watching a lot of english movies lately) countless girls, but having one in particular move her personal belongings into my/our apartment. As a result, and out of completely rational reasoning I rented a U-Haul and took all my stuff while he was out.

I found myself liberated by this, and yet very very sad. We talked , he threatened to call the police on me, I told him he was an ass, and then I apologized that I broke into our apartment, that I still held keys for(but had left them at my dad's) and taken all my stuff - i left everything he owned - including the futon that i had bought - because we had previously decided that one of us would take the bed, the other would take the futon and i liked the bed better....

that's right - I apologized for finding that this girl had essentially moved in and I had taken my stuff....he told me that that was it and that he couldn't trust me again and said I was so sorry, cried on the phone.....we didn't talk for a couple of months...then he went out east.. we were talking one day on msn I begged him to be honest with me and tell me if he ever cheated on me so that I trust my instinct if it ever happens again. He said that if he tells me the truth no matter what I have to promise that I won't stop talking to him...I promised. he told me he hadn't, then i said ok, then he confessed. It was worse than once or twice... he told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 of the 2.5 years we were together. Yup... nope you didn't read wrong. My initial reaction was to laugh - cry, i was appalled, upset, i didn't know what to think or say or do... I mean I sorta thought something might have happened, but didn't want to believe it... so ya... pissed off, hurt and lonely....

I didn't talk to him for a while and then I'd get drunk and write him these awfully stupid e-mails and texts where I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him...

i basically felt sorry for him.. yes that's right... felt sorry that he couldn't accept my love.. I gave him room... i told him that we could get through this..W I wanted him so badly in my life... and hated him.. i went back and forth with this feeling for months. Telling him to fuck himself and then sending him some kind of demented drunk email. Finally I hit,just about rock bottom last fall and he returned home from New Brunswick. He hadn't seen me in 8 months, I had lost 50 lbs and was feeling very proud of myself, very vulnerable and probably was thinking how lovely it would be to put this all behind us...

he came over, and like the idiot I seem to be with all men, I let him walk back into my life without a moment's pause. One kiss and that was it...not to mention i was having bad luck with men... so OF COURSE...i needed to fuck myself right royally by falling for him all over again, but this time he wasn't a smooth talker.. he was far from that.. and he's been far from that ever since. We sleep together from time to time. He tells me about the girls he's fucking currently and I feel sorry that he doesn't let anyone care about him....

Like I'm some righteous person I think... that by telling him that he can do no wrong in my eyes, and that i'll be there for him no matter what... makes it all go away. That I can get over the fact that he only wants me when he needs me to answer questions about university, to talk to about what is sometimes going on in his life and to fuck from time to time.

Basically I have allowed him to throw me all the leftovers of a good relationship and be happy with it. What kills me more now, is writing this I realize what a complete moron I've been and in fact...reluctant to admit it.. thought I REALLY was being a really nice person and that I could offer him some kind of hope that someone wasn't going to just walk away from him for fucking up.

Now I wonder why my friends didn't walk away from me and my complete stupidity and lack of self-respect.

And no matter what I say and what I try the idea of having him completely out of my life scares the shit out of me... I've never had any guy in my life that loves me, and I guess that I hope that under all his fuck-upd-ness he may actually care about me... and well I guess when you don't have anything else you just hang on.. you let people treat you in a way that you would never let anyone treat anyone you know or love... but you let them treat you like that cause its all you know.

This guy that i slept with once this summer, that I really liked..we talk quite frequently, but haven't seen each other in 4 months, texted me today and said that we couldn't keep talking because he had a girlfriend and that she had found some of my inappropriate texts and that it wasn't right. My response without a moments pause was to write back

"ok. you should have just told me. silly man. good luck"


well the boy called me shortly after and said that his girlfriend was standing over him and to defuse the whole thing he sent that while she was looking. I said that was fine, that there was no problem.. he said, ya that's why i did it, cause i knew that you would be cool, that I could send it to you, then call you and tell you I don't really care. That we've only been dating a couple weeks and that I really don't mind the texting.

My response " _____ don't do that. That's not good. Don't cheat, if she thinks that she's your girlfriend, then don't ruin it. If you've found a good girl, treat her that way. That he just had to tell me, no hard feelings." He said thanks for that. I said that I'm leaving in a couple of months and it would be very nice to see him, go for coffee, keep it innocent. He said that would be nice.

I doubt it will happen. And, to be quite honest, I don't really know if it should cause I don't want to tempt me doing whats been done to me so many times.

So that's me, I would make sure that some stranger is treated properly before I make sure I am.
And so the ridiculousness that is my life. The final thing to taking the safety net from under me. Cutting him out of my life. And why it is that I don't call him right now, is cause everytime I have ever done that, I get drunk and call him and tell him how much I want to see him.... how much I miss him. So I just stopped telling him that i don't want him out of my life cause i don't trust myself to make it stick. Now I just have fun, do my own thing and when i get really lonely I call him up and he comes down

for that day we act like we are together, we make dinner and flirt and have hot steamy, dirty sex, and then he leaves.. he goes back to his life and i go back to mine seeking a little bit of love in any chance meeting... And I am left hoping that one day he'll turn around and say thanks.. that he cares about me and that I could just let go, let go of all the hurt and stop trying to prove myself worthy of love.

i just wish i was brave enough, that sometimes its not really better to have the devil you do know, to just step out and have enough faith. But more than anything I wish that I could just tell him to go fuck himself and trust myself enough to know that when I'm single, drunk and lonely I won't pick up the phone and make an utter fool of myself, yet again.

Men, the bane of my existence.

Letting Go. the hardest thing to do.

The hardest things

You know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something, you know its probably the right thing to do but there are so many ifs, your stomach hurts at the thought. You have a million and one reasons why you shouldn't do it... this happens when you should leave that job you hate, leave that partner who isn't good for you...making bug life decisions, where the unknown really is scary. But its those moments - I think- that when you get older you look back and say "why did it take me soooo long to do that, or worse - why didn't I EVER do that.

I had that feeling when I was dating my ex - the you-should-just- leave feeling - but I had a thousand reasons why I shouldn't, couldn't, didn't want to.... I know it would probably be better for me, but I just couldn't figure how to leave... where to go, how to survive.. whether it was the best decision... ultimately he made that decision for me.. and thank-god he did.....

So here I am again... Leaving.

Two years ago I planned this trip to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, and China. But I ended up in Africa volunteering.

I'm in this place where I know there's more for me than working at my current job.. The world has more planned for me... its just up to me to actually make it happen.. and that I can be small and live a cozy life, or I could just embrace that my life will never be conventional.

Going to Korea scares the SHIT out of me.. and that's why i know its one of those moments for me.. it feels sooo right, but I'm so scared...doing something for me for once.... closer to my dream trip.. closer in geography and financially!

Its funny how the things you know are your "destiny" are always the ones that scare the shit out of you... they are the ones that say "you know if you do this you will never be the same.. you will grow, you will evolve and you will never be the person you are right now.. EVER AGAIN."

I think I'm really scared of growing... leaving this person behind... I've always just wanted to be accepted.. been liked... been normal and I find it very hard to embrace that I'm not conventional.. that underneath all my layers I know I will NEVER be that person with the house the car, the husband, the kids, the job in downtown Toronto. Part of me wants it SOOOOOOOO badly. But then this other side of me knows...
I won't be surprised if I end up never having that conventional life.

That going to Korea is that first stepping stone to the rest of my life.. but that the destination is so far away you can't really see where the path leads.. you just know that its leading somewhere.
Robert Frost said it perfectly.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i don't think there's more to say tonight.....

The TRUTH about me and sex

So, over the past year I have grown considerably. I would have to say this is probably the best year of my life. I feel like life is starting to make a little more sense. What I know... I love to write. This blog started with my friends saying that I had such ridiculous stories and was so funny I needed to start a blog. What I realize is that much of my blog over the past year has really painted this very singular picture of me, and that I actually prevent myself from writing about more serious topics. I don't really open up about who I am... what I'm REALLY like... IT's sorta ironic.. this blog is sort of a purge but I hide all the good things about me.

I realized that I turned into this woman who wrote so that there was a certain type of guy that thought I was funny - I talk like a guy about sex and relationships...

How do I say this. I feel that I've been writing on here almost like I'm trying to impress a certain demographic of men... Here's the thing about me... I'm a little more sensitive, deep and whole than a lot of what I write puts forth...

There are so many thoughts going on in my mind right now I don't know how to vocalize it.

Let's start here...

Last night I had a moment.

It was our work Christmas party... I got sooo drunk. The party ended at around 9:30pm. everyone went home. The place cleared out... I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be by myself. So I conclude that i mine as well get laid.. I mean , I'm drunk, lonely and horny... why not. So I call 3 guys.

First guy I haven't seen since Superbowl... had an exam tomorrow... so was unavailable.
Second guy I've slept with twice and he is the most recent guy I've been sleeping with. He was busy with work stuff.

Third guy: it was this guy that I met in the summer. We went on a "date" we just went to a patio in August... chilled out, chatted. He was cute, but I was really trying to just "date" men and see if something more substantial could work out for me instead of just sexual relationships. Even though he was a nice guy we never saw each other again. There were a few reasons... one was that he didn't drink, we didn't have much in common... it was just one of those things. We talked on msn after we met and he told me that he would love to explore something sexual with me, that he thought I'd be alot of fun. He told me a few of the things he notice I do when I'm flirting.. things that I never knew I do. He was very observant.. and intrigued me.

So he was my last hope last night. I texted him.
He texted me back.
this is the conversation:
me: what are you up to?
him: nothing why?
cause I'm drunk
looking to have some fun?
ya
what do you want.. details....
naw I'm being silly- now here is when i start rethinking the whole thing.. that I shouldn't just sleep with him, that I know that it's not going to REALLY satisfy what I want in that moment.
just cock teasing again..all bark and no bite
k
are you mad now?
no

So I called. I wasn't mad at all. So I just called him and told him that I did really want to come over... and do dirty things.. he said that I could come over and see what happens.

I got there.. and gave him a hug and a kiss, had a beer, we watched comedy and cuddled on the couch. I kissed him a few times... around 12 he said that it was getting late and that he really didn't feel like doing anything else. He asked if he could drive me home...

Although a little disappointed it was said with such sincerity, I said of course. I told him not to worry about it.

He drove me home.

On our way home he told me that he really appreciated that I understood. THat he felt that he could just be himself around me, that he really appreciated that I didn't judge him. He said that when I wrote him he was a little apprehensive about me coming over because he didn't want to really do anything with me right away.... but that he really wanted to see me, that I have a way of listening to people where you can tell that they have my undivided attention. That he was surprised that I remembered things about him...

He told me a few personal things about himself... and he just said thanks. It was the nicest thing a guy had EVER said to me. And... it was the nicest thing in the whole world to be drunk and have a guy that was clearly attracted to me, say that he didn't want to sleep with me. It was an amazing feeling... and well I cracked...

This is why I think that if I sleep with a guy right away I can't date them... because I get this feeling when someone says they won't sleep with me. I have sex with random people to fill this void in me... the comfort.

I heard this somewhere recently.. its the moment right after sex that you lie in his arms... that moment that you crave. Its that moment I want, that safe, Divine, perfect moment. I crave that touch, that bond, that experience.. and I have just gotten used to quenching that craving with random sex.

I also realize that I have this notion that its all men ever want from me... and every time a guy sleeps with me it proves to me that I'm right.

I'm having a real hard time articulating what I'm thinking.

Every time I'm single, how detached from sex I am, gets worse and worse. I guess I feel that I use it to prevent me from getting hurt..... If I know what you really want is sex.. then I know I can provide... its easy.

Now don't get me wrong.. I really do enjoy having sex.. I just think that most girls aren't like me because for alot of people sex is alot more important to them. I think that its just become something so unimportant because its never mattered to anyone I've slept with....

how's that for a statement?

I have never had sex with someone where it matters to them.

The three boyfriends I have had, and slept with - all cheated on me.
I have never been told "I love you" from a man that I'm in a relationship with....

So why should it mean anything to me???
The irony? I can't hide from the fact that underneath all this make-believe.. it still does mean something...I just don't know what...

So I cracked last night... I rambled on about how nice it was that the man I was with said those things to me.. I told him that I'm just so used to guys just wanting sex that it meant alot to me that he wasn't that way. I kissed him on his cheek and said goodnight.

The truth about me and sex: I want to have sex that actually means something... I really want to be in love...it makes me sad.

This is the truth.. it doesn't mean that I will stop having sex with people I'm not dating... I don't really know how to be any other way....

but SHHH don't tell anyone.

in 10 years....

you know one thing that has been plaguing me recently is this idea of hindsight is 20/20. I mean, why is it that we always look back on things and can say.. if only I had done that... I've been thinking lately about my life in that regard. Looking at what I promised myself I would do when I was 16, what I wanted to do with my life before I saw all these things that prevented me from doing all that I wanted.

I promised myself I would travel, travel every summer. That I would work abroad, and I had a plan- go to university - go teach english abroad, do a cida internship, then I applied for a post-graduate programme.. I had a plan and it seems in the past 2 years that plan has just become getting by. No In the past 6 months I've grown alot, come to peace with alot of things and feel alot more "sane" and so the burning question is what now.

I have been refelecting and have come to the quasi-conclusion that I'm rushing my life, as though a husband, a family, the house, the car can't come fast enough. IT's safe. But is safe really what I've always wanted? will "safe" make me happy?

I finally realized that my mother's death really set me back, I mean I had planned all these things over the past 5 years, but then she died and my life was altered, my reality and my safety net were altered.... and I was lost. I felt incredibly safe in my relationship... as though that was the only thing that mattered. And, even though it was not a healthy realtionship it was safe.. i had my family and i think I would have been satisfied to stay there for the rest of my life..

But I'm constantly plagued by this notion of being 35 and looking back on my life thus far and thinking "what was I thinking?" I mean, 35 is 10 years away.. and it's still pretty young!

So with my sanity comes the urge to be insane... to pick up and fuck off... I think that since mom died I have been seeking the approuval of my family. Wanting to be that good girl that gets a job, gets a husband and settles down.... but I've been thiking that won't make me happy... that will be comfortable and is comfort really what we seek? I do want a career and work experience, but is that really what matter? I hear alot of older people say, you know I worked sooo many hours, for what? I enevr got to see my kids grow up! And that's where I sit right now, in this place where I realize that although comfort is safe, and getting the job, the house, the car, the husband and the kids is nice.... when I die will that be what matters? Or will i think... why didn't I just do that?

So that.... what is that? I want to travel, I want to work with kids... So I've been thinking about going to Korea to teach english. I had originally thought Japan because I've been there before and actually was offered a position, but expenses were too high and pay was too low... so Korea... and in contemplating Korea I've been thinking... in 10 years will I say "why didn't I just stay in Canada, settle down and establish my career? The more and more I ask myself that question.. the more and more I think there is no way I will answer yes.

I think that many of us get into routine and regret alot of what we do in life... I do not want to be one of those people. i want to have a family... but more than anything I want to be fulfilled, inspired and happy. I want to look back on my life and be proud for what I acconplished for how many times I stept outside the box and be proud of who I am and the mark I made in my short time on this planet. Life is about experience.. and how much really can you get out of the mundane routine that is life here.

I appreciate comfort.. its nice... but its not fulfilling.

And I think we forget that work is only there in order for us to have the things we want... right now work is only there for me to survive, and that's no existance to be proud of... So, can you have all that you want in life? That is the question.. there's only one way to find out.... by jumping off the cliff... cause the worst that can happen is I jump i hot the ground.. get up and go back to the same job!

and well one other thing i realized.... my mom died... it sucks but it's done, everyone else in my life has to still deal with that.. and its a life altering existance changing thing.... so its over with.... there's nothing keeping me here... I'm free... and I;ve gotten over the worst thing in my life....there's a freedom in that.. there's a peace.


a little diff

Jiri - maple leafs gaffe - are you kidding me?

OK, so i didn't have the pleasure to read the article in Wednesday's newspaper about rookie Maple Leafs Jiri Tlusty. But the headline in the Toronto Sun certainly didn't have much for wondering what all the commotion was about. Front page - the picture of him naked - with obvious parts being covered up. I have a few comments on this topic..

1. Is there nothing else to make front page news? Is a big newspaper like the Toronto Sun really that hurting for readers that it stoops to the levels of the national enquirer? I wish the editor of that newspaper had the same thing happen to him.. some naked pics he gave his wife, or her husband, were splashed on the front of the same newspaper. Its ridiculous.

2. Who the fuck cares... so what he wanted to get laid, he was clearly showing what he had to offer the girl.. or guy... on the other end of the interaction. And well, there's nothing wrong with being horny and wanting to get laid.. even if he didn't sleep with the reciprocator sometimes its fun to "fool" around with a complete stranger.. lol .. i know more than most! I mean just cause you weren't caught doesn't mean that you never have taken naked pictures of yourself... its been happening for years and years, now its just easier for the world to see. And if it weren't bad enough that any one could just search for those pictures... to have the SUN plaster them on the front of their newspaper is so childish.

God forbid Jiri, or anyone for that matter has a libido and wants to have fun. The mere fact that he was forced to apologize for the act is beyond me. It makes me so angry. Why are we so god damned judgemental. We all have sex. We all get horny... we've all done things we regret...

and for the person who posted them... do you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time? I mean i thought the same thing this summer when that girl sold her text messages from prince Harry to the media. Are you kidding me? The prince talked to you? would you not be flattered? why does everyone have to get something at the expense of someone else. Its retarded.

Then there's another thing.. the fact that people are talking about whether or not the pictures could be gay... really? WHO CARES... and how is it that a guy shows his penis and everyone thinks that he must be gay. It doesn't matter either way, but why is that the stereotype of gay men? Gay men are no more promiscuous then straight men.. or straight women for that matter. We are all individuals we all do different things... we all act differently why do people attempt to compartmentalize everyone... then once they've stereotyped them they are immediately prejudiced, judged and if anything is not "conventional" they are ostracized?

it makes me so mad.

Go get a life. Leave him be.. if he wants to get laid... he has every right to. He's going to get enough chirping in the locker room. And... well he deserves that from the boys cause they all know what its like... but its not an exclusive thing, its locker room banter.. its the boys club... let the boys be.. let them have their ridiculousness, that's what we love about boys.

I, in fact, had the pleasure to meet some of the leafs last year at a bar downtown. i hung out with them.. to my embarrassment didn't even clue into the fact that they were the leafs until one of my guy friends pointed it out..but i'm not a very loyal fan... I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years that watches hockey... I'm a fickle fan, i know how to get laid, you cheer for your boyfriend's team.. thats a no brainer...(side note!)

but they were just regular guys... In fact at one point I asked one of them, the one i had been hitting on for quite some time... once i realized that he was a leaf.. would you prefer that i think you are hot because you are hot? or because you are a leaf? What do you think his obvious answer was.

Now.. if you know me you'd be quick to assume I ended up sleeping with one of them... and although i sorta regret the decision I made.. i decided to walk away cause i didn't want to be that girl who fucked a leaf.. just to say i did... had i not known.. i probably would have.. and had the opportunity to do so... but i can only imagine what they go through with women who think that there's something more.. plus... clearly they have to worry about repercussions of their drunken actions. Why can't people just chill out and get that we are all human.. it doesn't matter what your profession... we all.. at the end of the day just want to get laid and have someone to cuddle with... and all the better if he's a leaf:P

that's my piece.

The roller coaster that is my life

You know I have this thing, everytime I write a posting i worry if I should have just, not written that one thing, or said that one thing... what if this entire blog comes back to haunt me, and then all i can think of is how its my life. I'm not ashamed, and I would rather people enjoy reading it because they can relate then pretend none of it happened.

I guess where I'm at right now is knowing that there is this side of me, and that some guys are enticed knowing that I am like this and some guys are very intimidated and put off by it. I think it comes right back to the judging thing. Guys can sleep with whomever they want to, and girls can't. If a guy was telling his buddies about this broad who was the worst head they had ever had it would just be shooting the shit, but if its a girl telling anyone about her experiences its dirty and wrong.

I go through fazes.. like most people, where sometimes I don't give a shit about finding a relationship because i get so discourraged and then my sexual frustration builds.. i take it into my own hands and make the decision that I don't have to wait for mr. right.. that mr. right-now will be an ok substitution.... But what I know about myself, is this usually always happens after I've gone on a few dates that I think have potential. Only to have the guys only want one thing... after that it takes a while to get back on track and be back in the mind space where I can fantasize that a nice guy will find his way into my life.

Its a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

I'm exhausted... I'll write more soon.

Finally the great Lay....

when you know its good, its really good, it doesn't even compete with any thing else. Its fun and light and risky and dirty and sensual and gentle and comfortable all at the same time... and in the end sex like that can only be found with someone you know. Its just the way it is.

So, on Sunday morning I woke up to an msn message form my ex that said that he couldn't stop thinking about sleeping with me.

THe funny thing is one of my biggest problems in our relationship was the sex. I never got it enough.. he never cared and I was miserable. But since we started sleeping together last November, it just has gotten better and better. I think it comes from having no concerns, knowing that you aren't going to say or do anything that threatens losing the other person, or being judged by the other prson. That you come together for that simple gratification and comfort.

we slept together once every one or two moths, he'd drive down, spend a night or two here and then go home. It was like having a boyfriend for that one or two days and then being single again. About 5 months ago he came over and we ended up fighting. He told me that he couldn't handle that I always acted like he was my boyfriend when he came over. That he wasn't.


So i hadn't seen him in 5 months. We had been talking, and I had since told him that he would always be that guy for me. Nothing was going to change. That sex with him was different whether he wanted to think otherwise or not. But that when he was here, that I couldn't change that.

See for me there is a fine balance. When it comes to sex... there are times where I will admit I feel used. I know that this will come as a shock to some of you because I sound like this woman who just doesn't give a shit when it comes to sex... but I do... and i have had days where I feel totally discusted and taken advantage of.. that I wish the guy would call, but know he won't ever because it was just sexual gratification for him. Ironically I do the same thing... I can also sleep with someone and it not mean a damn thing.... it is purely sexual gratification.

The point is, i think that i am admitting that behind it all i still want that connection. That even if its a one night stand it makes me sad that I am trying to find that connection so badly that I sleep with a stranger to comfort that need, its coupled with a sexual need, but its physical and emotional too.
TANGENT.. sorry...

So anyways, with an ex its different, for me. I don't want to be just another girl, I mean he certainly isn't just another guy for me. There's a connection that you can't get with a stranger.

So... now that I've rambled on.. I will get to my point. He came over... and .... like I had been chasing it for so long.. I knew exactly where to find it. It was amazing. It was just what I needed. It was dirty, and fun, and exciting, and sensual and comfortable and connected and kinky... all wrapped up into knowing the other person, and enjoying every moment of the experience. He didn't sleep over. He left and although I wish he would stay longer its one of those things. Brings you back to sanity. Satisfies an urge and allows you to get back to what matters in your life.

So the great sex I was looking for? was right where I left it... knowing that its very hard to find that great sex without the attachment and connection that comes from really knowing someone.

I guess I had just gotten to a point where I was so horny I lost sight of thats what I had realized over the past five months. That really i didn't want to be that girl anymore. That I want the intimacy, I want that real connection... and that it takes time. You can't just get that from a one night stand.

That because of my impatience to satisfy that need, i .. ironically have probably prolonged being single.... But i suppose that's what life is all about.. growing.