So sooo much has been happening in my life since I made the decision to go to Korea, everything seems just to fall into place. I'm so happy. There's too much, but I'm going to try to write as much as possible because this is really the only place I really express whats going on for me.
So I guess I'll just write about the most recent changes.
First. I have never been so happy in all my life, I have really gotten to a place where I am thankful! REALLY REALLY thankful for everything that has ever happened to me. And SUPER excited about my futre. Not only about going to Korea but I came across this new business opportunity too that has really opened my eyes to whats possible and I've really started asking myself what I want in my life. Something I've never really done.
A couple weeks ago on a thursday night I asked myself what I wanted t do. I answered.. go to the bar, watch some hockey. Now I realized thatI really enjoy watching sports, but have always equated that with having a boyfriend. So I went to the baar and watched hockey.
The following Sunday I asked myself again the same question and decided to go to watch football. I had so much fun. I hadn't watched football in two years, i went with my book and this group of guys befriended me and I hung out with them all night. It was such good times. And now its become routine. I go to the bar on sundays, they show up, invite me over and we chill out.
Its really great to have some time with the boys too, haven't had that in so long and I really enjoy just chatting cause I can really be one of the boys. shooting the shit, giving a different perspection on things. One things I have realized about myself is that FINALLY i'm not as concerned with impressing people, I just say whats on my mind, and its thrilling. In fact I've been doing it more and more, even if its uncomfortable. I've always been the kind of person that compromises everything to make everyone else happy and always at the expense of myself. So FINALLY realizing what I WANT has allowed me to be straight. I guess I was so preoccupied with everyone else's happiness in the past that I never asked myself what I WANT. So I've found my voice.
As for this busines opportunity it is thrilling I'm wrking with people that I admire and appreciate and respect. Its a company that is really about helping the people around you become financially independent while making you finacially independent too. The idea of helping other people out and in turn taking care of yourself is perfect for me because finally i can put other people first and still not be selling out on myself. I'm so clear about how much i love people, and appreciate people. I just want the best for everyone.
As for my ex. My best friend did the kindest thing for me a week ago, she called me and told me it was ok to care about him to talk about him and that she understood if I couldn't just let him go yet. It was the kindest thing because all of a sudden I no longer had to prove his worth, no longer had to stand up for why we were together for so long and so I'm coming to peace with that chapter of my life and I'm ready to move forward. Give him my love, but not my heart. I realized that he really has had my heart for 4 and a half years and that's most likely why I haven't had a boyfriend cause there was no room in my life for anyone eles. I'm so clear right now what I want and what I deserve its intoxicating that I'm so certain about it, its so much easier to move forward.
This business opportunity has really enabled me to sit down and think about if money were not an issue, what would I want. I realized I want a house in Canada where no matter where I am in the world I have a place to come home to. I want it to be on a lake, with a huge porch and big backyard. I want a games room with a pool table, a bar, a huge tv, soundsystem, dvds, music a place to just chill and relax and have fun. A place where people feel like they want to hang out in.
I want my dream car, I want a bug convertible, banana yellow with a chiquita sticker painted on the back. But then when I started thinking about that I realized that it wouldn't be the most condusive vehicle for me in the boonies. That maybe I want a jeep, and then when I was thinking about the kind of guy I want i realize I love men with trucks and then it dawned on me.. fuck it. I WANT A TRUCK a huge 4x4 pickup truck, so I can go camping and through wood in the back and help people move. I want a kayak I want to be able to travel wherever whenever, I want to have enough money so no matter where I am in the world I can come home anytime for any duration of time. I want to be able to do international development without worrying about money.
I'm so excited about my future. I'm so excited about life. It's thrilling.
But most of all I'm sooo happy, it feels like my heart is just so open it hurts. I'm just in this place where I love myself and everything about my life. So thankful for EVERYTHING.
There's a pride that comes from getting through the hard times, coming out on the other side. Its self assurance, self worth like nothing I've ever experienced. the dalai lama says, that its the tough times in life where we grow the most that's why its so painful.
The book eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert also opened up alot of ideas for me, it has really opened my mind to things and inspired me to just LIVE.
thanks for letting me share!
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