So you know how I was talking about Korea and the hardest things in life..the things that you are scared of, are usually the things you ought to do? they are the things that force you to become the person you are meant to be? That you just have to take that leap of faith...
Well, they usually consist of walking away from a safety net. .. walking away from what you know to be normal...what you know to be safe... Well this could be no more true than in the case of my ex-boyfriend.
he's an ass. we all know that. but I cannot help myself but to be a retard around him. I don't know why, other than i must loathe myself or something almost as awful.
He is the addiction i can't kick, he is my guilty pleasure. But more than that why i am the way i am with him kills me.
If you've read any of my history you know that we broke up two years ago. I came back from Africa, and thought we were going to work on things only to find out he was enjoying my time away by moving swiftly on, and not only shagging(pardon my english reference i've been watching a lot of english movies lately) countless girls, but having one in particular move her personal belongings into my/our apartment. As a result, and out of completely rational reasoning I rented a U-Haul and took all my stuff while he was out.
I found myself liberated by this, and yet very very sad. We talked , he threatened to call the police on me, I told him he was an ass, and then I apologized that I broke into our apartment, that I still held keys for(but had left them at my dad's) and taken all my stuff - i left everything he owned - including the futon that i had bought - because we had previously decided that one of us would take the bed, the other would take the futon and i liked the bed better....
that's right - I apologized for finding that this girl had essentially moved in and I had taken my stuff....he told me that that was it and that he couldn't trust me again and said I was so sorry, cried on the phone.....we didn't talk for a couple of months...then he went out east.. we were talking one day on msn I begged him to be honest with me and tell me if he ever cheated on me so that I trust my instinct if it ever happens again. He said that if he tells me the truth no matter what I have to promise that I won't stop talking to him...I promised. he told me he hadn't, then i said ok, then he confessed. It was worse than once or twice... he told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 of the 2.5 years we were together. Yup... nope you didn't read wrong. My initial reaction was to laugh - cry, i was appalled, upset, i didn't know what to think or say or do... I mean I sorta thought something might have happened, but didn't want to believe it... so ya... pissed off, hurt and lonely....
I didn't talk to him for a while and then I'd get drunk and write him these awfully stupid e-mails and texts where I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him...
i basically felt sorry for him.. yes that's right... felt sorry that he couldn't accept my love.. I gave him room... i told him that we could get through this..W I wanted him so badly in my life... and hated him.. i went back and forth with this feeling for months. Telling him to fuck himself and then sending him some kind of demented drunk email. Finally I hit,just about rock bottom last fall and he returned home from New Brunswick. He hadn't seen me in 8 months, I had lost 50 lbs and was feeling very proud of myself, very vulnerable and probably was thinking how lovely it would be to put this all behind us...
he came over, and like the idiot I seem to be with all men, I let him walk back into my life without a moment's pause. One kiss and that was it...not to mention i was having bad luck with men... so OF COURSE...i needed to fuck myself right royally by falling for him all over again, but this time he wasn't a smooth talker.. he was far from that.. and he's been far from that ever since. We sleep together from time to time. He tells me about the girls he's fucking currently and I feel sorry that he doesn't let anyone care about him....
Like I'm some righteous person I think... that by telling him that he can do no wrong in my eyes, and that i'll be there for him no matter what... makes it all go away. That I can get over the fact that he only wants me when he needs me to answer questions about university, to talk to about what is sometimes going on in his life and to fuck from time to time.
Basically I have allowed him to throw me all the leftovers of a good relationship and be happy with it. What kills me more now, is writing this I realize what a complete moron I've been and in fact...reluctant to admit it.. thought I REALLY was being a really nice person and that I could offer him some kind of hope that someone wasn't going to just walk away from him for fucking up.
Now I wonder why my friends didn't walk away from me and my complete stupidity and lack of self-respect.
And no matter what I say and what I try the idea of having him completely out of my life scares the shit out of me... I've never had any guy in my life that loves me, and I guess that I hope that under all his fuck-upd-ness he may actually care about me... and well I guess when you don't have anything else you just hang on.. you let people treat you in a way that you would never let anyone treat anyone you know or love... but you let them treat you like that cause its all you know.
This guy that i slept with once this summer, that I really liked..we talk quite frequently, but haven't seen each other in 4 months, texted me today and said that we couldn't keep talking because he had a girlfriend and that she had found some of my inappropriate texts and that it wasn't right. My response without a moments pause was to write back
"ok. you should have just told me. silly man. good luck"
well the boy called me shortly after and said that his girlfriend was standing over him and to defuse the whole thing he sent that while she was looking. I said that was fine, that there was no problem.. he said, ya that's why i did it, cause i knew that you would be cool, that I could send it to you, then call you and tell you I don't really care. That we've only been dating a couple weeks and that I really don't mind the texting.
My response " _____ don't do that. That's not good. Don't cheat, if she thinks that she's your girlfriend, then don't ruin it. If you've found a good girl, treat her that way. That he just had to tell me, no hard feelings." He said thanks for that. I said that I'm leaving in a couple of months and it would be very nice to see him, go for coffee, keep it innocent. He said that would be nice.
I doubt it will happen. And, to be quite honest, I don't really know if it should cause I don't want to tempt me doing whats been done to me so many times.
So that's me, I would make sure that some stranger is treated properly before I make sure I am.
And so the ridiculousness that is my life. The final thing to taking the safety net from under me. Cutting him out of my life. And why it is that I don't call him right now, is cause everytime I have ever done that, I get drunk and call him and tell him how much I want to see him.... how much I miss him. So I just stopped telling him that i don't want him out of my life cause i don't trust myself to make it stick. Now I just have fun, do my own thing and when i get really lonely I call him up and he comes down
for that day we act like we are together, we make dinner and flirt and have hot steamy, dirty sex, and then he leaves.. he goes back to his life and i go back to mine seeking a little bit of love in any chance meeting... And I am left hoping that one day he'll turn around and say thanks.. that he cares about me and that I could just let go, let go of all the hurt and stop trying to prove myself worthy of love.
i just wish i was brave enough, that sometimes its not really better to have the devil you do know, to just step out and have enough faith. But more than anything I wish that I could just tell him to go fuck himself and trust myself enough to know that when I'm single, drunk and lonely I won't pick up the phone and make an utter fool of myself, yet again.
Men, the bane of my existence.
Letting Go. the hardest thing to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment