This journey of mine has been a long and interesting one. Somedays I think back on my life fondly thus far and recognize that every step has lead to the next one.. that I only knew as much as I knew and that I have atleast lived as true to my heart as I could inside the internal turmoil that I was going through.
Somedays I look back and think oh no! I don't even want to read this blog and actually remember it all... I struggle between guilt over my life.. and gratitude for it.
Which leads me to this phase.. the phase of finally meeting my father.
Do I even have the right to spend money on this trip when I owe people money for helping me out through nursing school?
I considered setting up an account with kickstarter or indiegogo.... trying to maybe fundraise money by trying to make it into a book... or a movie.... I don't know.... then I think "who would want to dnate to that? why do I deserve any money to get what I want?"
it's a hard thing this confidence thing..... there are so many reasons to not feel adequate enough... to not feel like I deserve my happy ending... all the reasons in the world to think why would anyone else care about my life.. about what's happening to me....
But then there's this part of me that wants to share it with the world! I want to scream it from the rooftops! That I am so freaking excited and really want to document it... I really want to share my excitement.. I want to share the experience... I want to include people.... but then maybe I need to keep it for myself..... not make a big deal out of it.
I don't know what to do!!!
All I know.. is today my cousin and I made a tentative plan to leave at the start of April.... and for me to be in Victoria mid April - meeting my dad.
We have 14 stops scheduled.. almost every city there is a friend or family member waiting.
Nashville - Atlanta - New Orleans - San Anotonio - Pawhuska - Grand Canyon - Las Vegas - Yosemite - San Francisco - Yosemite - Mt Hood - Seattle - Vancouver - Victoria
I leave my oldest friend in Guelph and end up with the third of our triad in Vancouver.
Seeing people from my life..... staying with people from my life. .. sharing my excitement.
EEK!
I'm so scared to share.. Im so scared to document.. and I'm so scared to have the story of my past to be part of this.... to continue this story on this blog.. so that anyone who comes to read about this leg of my journey can go back at any point and watch my journey... I'm scared... embarrassed.... scared.
Bu if I knew that I would be bringing hope to atleast one person... I would gladly share my experience.
We will see.
Amanda
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Choosing aloneness
It's an amazing thing to be in the midst of a total internal shift and to be aware of it...
watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...
wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...
watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...
I think I want to be alone again.
I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....
I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...
and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.
I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....
when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."
ugh.
I have to be alone.
The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.
To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.
What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.
and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.
So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.
and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.
I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.
ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.
I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...
:(
Amanda
watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...
wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...
watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...
I think I want to be alone again.
I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....
I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...
and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.
I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....
when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."
ugh.
I have to be alone.
The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.
To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.
What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.
and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.
So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.
and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.
I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.
ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.
I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...
:(
Amanda
Monday, October 13, 2014
type or it will leave you.
This voice comes into my head - you need to type.. if you don't it will leave you, never to be seen in quite the same way again.
It' a thought I hear quite often.. and I.. like you can see, have not typed very frequently. Perhaps it's that I believe that I am not a good enough writer.. that I have some kind of issue around admitting how much I love typing.. or maybe... its that I don't think myself worthy of enjoying something that I love.
If there is one thing I have noticed about myself.. I do very little to fill my heart.. I think... that's what I do... in all my spare time I am thinking.. analyzing, talking, listening...
I've been told my whole life I think too much... I talk to much..... I'm too sensitive....
I have come to see that my dedication to analyzing my life.. and forcing myself to learn and grow from the inside out... brings me to these very deep and noble questions... these thoughts that come swirling into the forground of my ability to translate.. and then dispurse like the mist disspears once the sun hits it.
So... I was thinking... If I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to give anymore to anyone... and I don't want to get anything from anyone.. what does that mean???
\I just hit this point in the past day. I am more exhausted than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can barely crack a smile.. I feel weighted... like a deep decision has to be made.... I watch how people react to each other and how it stings....
And then I think of James. When I am around him I never feel he needs anything from me. He never takes from me.... but then he never really asks me for anything either.... He doesn't need anything from me. AND he then becomes this space for me.... the safest space I have ever felt.
Where pure love resides.
and then I notice how uncomfortable that space truly is for me....
All the dithering thoughts of not getting my hopes up... not putting all my eggs... not assuming I know what the future is....
and realizing it is very VERY difficult for me to let myself be happy.
It's like I have convinced myself I am not allowed to be happy.
Maybe it's just recognizing that I feel a sense of shame being happy in the face of all the travesty going on around the world.
Maybe it's me feeling like "how do I have any right to be happy when so many people are suffering?"
and then I ask myself... well, how can you experience Joy right now? and I answered. Think about James.
and then I heard the voice to type.
*******
It is the one year anniversary since the note in the tree. It's the one year anniversary since seeing T. on the street and making peace with the Earth. It's thanksgiving. And if there is one thing I am thankful for its James.
I have never been loved the way he loves me. Not even by my mother.
When I lay in his arms the other day I finally understood what the whole confusion over the Oedipus complex. You want to marry the tenderness, the sweet, the kind, the thoughtful part of a good mom. You want to marry the comforting, the strong, the open, the loving, the courageous part of a good dad. And you want the other to complete you in a way you have never felt before where everything seems as though it is complete.
That;s how I feel.
We've been together for 11 months. We've lived together for 11 months... and the space he provides for me .. the space I provide for him... is the most kind, loving, gentle space for each other.
Last night we got home and I was feeling like my head was going to explode.... I was hugging him in the kitchen... and we were staring into each others eyes (which by the way took SOOOOO long, at first we couldn't even look at each other. Looking into each other's eyes was the scariest thing for both of us.)
So I was looking into his eyes.. and he started to move to the music.. its so easy to follow someone that is moving to the music and you are connected to.. you just follow their body... your body becomes theirs... and we were dancing. It's my favorite thing about James.. when we are together and able to just dance in the kitchen.
He said "you may have even gotten me to like dancing."
My heart swelled in a way I can't even describe... I got tears in my eyes and I felt moved to my very core. "Oh Jamie.. that is probably the biggest gift you could ever have given me. "
He looked at me.... hugged me tight and said "and maybe for me too. "
Such simple moments.
I think I want to stop there for now.
Amanda.
It' a thought I hear quite often.. and I.. like you can see, have not typed very frequently. Perhaps it's that I believe that I am not a good enough writer.. that I have some kind of issue around admitting how much I love typing.. or maybe... its that I don't think myself worthy of enjoying something that I love.
If there is one thing I have noticed about myself.. I do very little to fill my heart.. I think... that's what I do... in all my spare time I am thinking.. analyzing, talking, listening...
I've been told my whole life I think too much... I talk to much..... I'm too sensitive....
I have come to see that my dedication to analyzing my life.. and forcing myself to learn and grow from the inside out... brings me to these very deep and noble questions... these thoughts that come swirling into the forground of my ability to translate.. and then dispurse like the mist disspears once the sun hits it.
So... I was thinking... If I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to give anymore to anyone... and I don't want to get anything from anyone.. what does that mean???
\I just hit this point in the past day. I am more exhausted than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can barely crack a smile.. I feel weighted... like a deep decision has to be made.... I watch how people react to each other and how it stings....
And then I think of James. When I am around him I never feel he needs anything from me. He never takes from me.... but then he never really asks me for anything either.... He doesn't need anything from me. AND he then becomes this space for me.... the safest space I have ever felt.
Where pure love resides.
and then I notice how uncomfortable that space truly is for me....
All the dithering thoughts of not getting my hopes up... not putting all my eggs... not assuming I know what the future is....
and realizing it is very VERY difficult for me to let myself be happy.
It's like I have convinced myself I am not allowed to be happy.
Maybe it's just recognizing that I feel a sense of shame being happy in the face of all the travesty going on around the world.
Maybe it's me feeling like "how do I have any right to be happy when so many people are suffering?"
and then I ask myself... well, how can you experience Joy right now? and I answered. Think about James.
and then I heard the voice to type.
*******
It is the one year anniversary since the note in the tree. It's the one year anniversary since seeing T. on the street and making peace with the Earth. It's thanksgiving. And if there is one thing I am thankful for its James.
I have never been loved the way he loves me. Not even by my mother.
When I lay in his arms the other day I finally understood what the whole confusion over the Oedipus complex. You want to marry the tenderness, the sweet, the kind, the thoughtful part of a good mom. You want to marry the comforting, the strong, the open, the loving, the courageous part of a good dad. And you want the other to complete you in a way you have never felt before where everything seems as though it is complete.
That;s how I feel.
We've been together for 11 months. We've lived together for 11 months... and the space he provides for me .. the space I provide for him... is the most kind, loving, gentle space for each other.
Last night we got home and I was feeling like my head was going to explode.... I was hugging him in the kitchen... and we were staring into each others eyes (which by the way took SOOOOO long, at first we couldn't even look at each other. Looking into each other's eyes was the scariest thing for both of us.)
So I was looking into his eyes.. and he started to move to the music.. its so easy to follow someone that is moving to the music and you are connected to.. you just follow their body... your body becomes theirs... and we were dancing. It's my favorite thing about James.. when we are together and able to just dance in the kitchen.
He said "you may have even gotten me to like dancing."
My heart swelled in a way I can't even describe... I got tears in my eyes and I felt moved to my very core. "Oh Jamie.. that is probably the biggest gift you could ever have given me. "
He looked at me.... hugged me tight and said "and maybe for me too. "
Such simple moments.
I think I want to stop there for now.
Amanda.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
emitting theta waves - the grief cry
Again its been a while...
I do not know what makes me write or not write.... but most of the time I am just not feeling like putting aside time to share whats going on with myself, or anyone else... but then sometimes, what moves in me is so profound I am possessed to write... and nothing can stop me.
Today I have a sense of that and so have come back to the keyboard.
I was sitting at my dining room table last night, starting to share how my day was and I just had this enormous sadness pulse through me.... for the first time in a LONG time I let go and cried in front of my boyfriend and his best friend.... feeling totally vulnerable, silly, embarrassed, sad.... I sat there with my hands in my hands and cried... this pressure building up in my chest.... asking myself what the hell I was experiencing.....
When I calmed myself to look up the boys were trying to distract me... encouraging me to go hit something.... play a sport... shoot a bow and arrow.... get out the energy... but the voice in my soul told me I needed to cry. I needed to let THIS OUT and not change its form.
So I told them I needed to cry and walked outside. Stood in my driveway and just let myself cry..... the grief cry.
This week was a powerful week for me. I worked 50 hours last week... my feet felt like they were going to fall off my body.... I was physically, emotionally exhausted and so asked one of my co workers if they would take my Monday shift. Monday James and I ended up going to the Warsaw caves.
Just like everytime before.. it changed me again. 25/08/14 - I wrote a note to put in the tree that I found the last one in.
As soon as we made these plans my phone rang from someone looking for my boyfriend. Odd? He has been having this conversation with this man in Havelock aout trading a guitar he has for a compound bow and arrow.
As soon as we decided to go, he wrote the guy an email telling him we were going to be at the Warsaw caves. He called and we made tentative plans to meet at 2:00. We got there with 10 minutes to spare... they showed up right on time. Turns out the bow was a gift from the man's brother who sadly died in January.... you could see the sadness in him.... not wanting to give up the bow, but knowing that it was the right thing to do for himself..... I told him it was our honour.
He asked James what kind of music he plays... James told him rockabilly surfing style, "perfect, can you play a little?" The man wanted to learn what James already knows... so he played a little kneeling on the grass outside of the park entrance.
The exchange was made. The man had grown up close by but never had come down....the only story he had was of him and his brother together when they were young.... . healing.
We set off down the path... I wanted to Show James where the story I had told him had taken place. I lead the way, until the fork... and didn't know which way.. I had never taken the path up... only down... that time with the boys we ended up going off on our own.
When I don't know where I am going... I always worry that I am going to choose wrong.... I get stalled... I asked James where we should go.. "I don't know." But he could see my frustration with picking the wrong way and asked if I would like him to lead.. "Yes" I exclaimed with a sigh. Thank god... we ended up crossing these huge boulders... and then through the forest and then off to the left was this crevice... we walked through and sat down to have a smoke. As we sat there and admired our surrounding I looked over to see the water... I wondered if it was where I had crossed over last year... whether, it could.... be the same spot... after sitting for about 15 minutes I suggested we brave the poison Ivy and walk over to the water... almost the exact same point... we ended up walking across.... the sun shining down on us, it was certainly an existential moment.... I didn't hold James' hand.. I was barefoot. he had crocks.. fearless without worry he crossed, in his wake my carefully watched footing was covered with the silt he moved around while he eclipsed my path.... there I was, not 7 feet from the shore, up to my knees in beautiful water... andmy head was starting to get the best of me.. crawfish, serpants... pointy things.. I DO NOT LIKE discomfort..... as my head started getting the best of me I had to calm down.. I was surely going to fall. James was already on the big rock on the other side.... doing a little dance.. he suggested me throwing my shoes and cup to him.... again I was scared of throwing them into the water... "I don't have a good throw".. "Come on.. just do it, you are fine." So I did... everytime getting it straight to him... weird how we have these silly little fears of looking stupid... and how I have some ingrained thought about how I can't throw.... even though I can.
When all things were safe on the shore I got my balance.. stood there for a minute and took in the space... the irony of the first time doing this alone... and the second time with James... both times not holding anyone's hand.
He reminded me that I was wearing a bathing suit and that the worst thing to happen was for me to fall in. I balanced myself on the top of this rock, scared to step to the big rock that stood between me and the shore.. I asked him how slippery it was. would I be able to catch myself..... in his answer I told myself to just do it.. see for myself. I stepped.. the rock held, my foot held. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.. stepping up, we stood there for a few minutes.. me reminded of the note.."crossing over always leads to something" -
I tried to remember where I saw the "hole in the ground" ... we climbed up to the top of the rock face..... that lead back to the path.... James lead when we got to the top.. I was all disoriented and told him the last time I let him lead he got me to where I wanted to go... so I trusted him this time.... he stopped to show me the different kinds of mushrooms he found.... and finally we came across the "Hole' James got in WITH me.... and when we thumped our feet on the floor it sounded hollow.... like a drum... he suggested that it would make a good sweat space.... I casually suggested it would be a good place to get married.... As we played out our ideas in our heads.. I saw the space as sacred once again.... He got out and I stayed, did a little Yoga in the hole and then bent down and made a little lean to with twigs.. remembering my kindergarten year at the waldorff school where we were taught about wood knomes and spent so much of our time making little houses for them to stay in.
James was off investigating... I finally went with and we found the main kettle... it was certain not that the 'hole' was a filled in version of this kettle' ... an EARTH DRUM.
We left and ended up going up to the look out, passing what I like to call the "love tree" a tree that starts off as one then branches apart about a foot above the ground into two separate trees that grow parallel.
We got up to the lookout then turned back.
The whole rest of the walk I contemplated how I much I am in my head and how much I pay attention.. and how I walk.
I had taken my shoes off, and like the first time my feet felt renewed. It was exactly what I needed.
I had decided on the walk that I was going to write on the little note my name... so that I could maybe know who found the note.. but as we were nearing the tree, we came across this family trying to get through the narrow space. we waited.. I heard the old man in the back yell to the younger men... insome other language... I laughed and said outloud "I wish I knew what he just said"... the younger man said " he said , is the water close?" it wasn't far... but definitely not the easiest walk for an elderly person.
when I turned back James was gone, and a space had been cleared, so I thanked the young man and took off up the trail.. giggling ot myself how fitting it was what the man had yelled.... how his tone had said the same thing.
As I neared the tree I came face to face with this woman of about 40 or so. The tree disappeared, I wanted to know her. I said hello and asked where she was from....Isreal.... 'Nazareth' she said... she was visiting.
'Of course I thought...I'm meeting someone from Nazereth at the Warsaw Caves.... The universe has an interesting sense of humour....
Immediately I got this overwhelming feeling of sadness.... my eyes started to well up..
"I am so sorry what is going on in your country" fell from my mouth.
We stared at eachother... "it's ok... I am on vacation, not a time to think of these things, we are here to enjoy."
I smiled, of course.. but I am still sorry.... "welcome, I am so glad I met you.. this is a special place... I won't keep you any longer... have a lovely day...I'm Amanda, nice to meet you. We shook hands and she responded with her name."
I turned around and james was there waiting for me. I took his hand as I passed the rest of the family.. smiling and saying hello.
We arrived at the parking lot. How ironic it was that we hadn't seen anyone since the start of our walk.. and now we saw 3 familes. We went to the car... and then decided to go down to the beach for a swim.
The only time I had been down to the beach was the second time I had gone with the boys last fall... in the dark I had made my way down to the water... the mist coming up off... I stepped in to my knees, but didn't know the water and started to get scared so came back out. I had heard dogs/cayotes/wolves howling that night... and without knowing the terrain I was happy with not venturing any further.. this time was in the day.. kids making a water slide out of sand.. it meandering down the hill into the water.. a young boy with down syndrome stood on the bank of the river with dolls in his hand, looking at us... I spoke to his mom for a minute "what a handful! She smiled. "ya.." "Are they all yours?" "Three are mine, 2 are friends." Well that's nice"..
I walked into the water and then said "Hi" to the little boy.. before I could even finish the word "Hi" came out of his mouth.. "how are y-" "good." he brightened me.
James said "come look at these rocks."
I went in... the water never got past my waistline... but the ground was all rock.... as we stood there, James mentioned how the rocks felt weird... "like they are there and you are pushing down on them"... Its a difficult feeling to explain.. but basically, with the gentle current, you feel like the rocks are floating and you are the heavy one.
we walked up the river... and I floated back.
We ended up leaving shortly after... met another family, a lovely man who has visited here at least a dozen times and camped at least a half dozen times.... his favorite place.
My favorite place.
we ended up stopping in on friends of mine... but they weren't home... so I took James to Youngs point... there we sat out on a patio overlooking the very first place I remember as a kid at our family reunions.. the inlet that is my great uncles leagacy.
We ended up having the lovliest dinner... and when I finally got the chance to talk to the waitress, it turned out she was the owner.. her and her husband.
She was lovely and their story was touching.
As we were leaving I went into the washroom to find a poster ... an old poster for my great uncle's realstate...
crazy.
...
The next day I worked in Peterborough with the woman I work with with special needs. I want her privacy to always be respected... so I won't talk much about her here.... if ever... but because of the privacy issues I have ahard time processing the things I see and feel at work.... yesterday was a particularly difficult day.... and the pain she was in.... ugh.
I got home and after about an hour started to talk about how I was feeling so overwhelmed.. and broke down...
I found myself walking out to the field.... crying and pounding my chest, my diaphragm, my stomach, my throat.... feeling different spaces of heaviness come up.... tapping my body and letting myself let the energy go... making deep sighing sounds.... crying.... tapping my whole body I saw that I was letting out feelings that had blocked spaces of my body for so long I was being possessed to awaken these places in my body.. feel the thump thump of my hands on it... helping the tension lessen... I thought this must be why EFT and bowen work.... because when you let your body take over it wants you to release the tension....
watching how my voice changed with the rhythm of my thumping.. I spent an hour out there in the field... stretching.... breathing.... feeling....
In my despair I felt that this pain has always lived in my heart... its the only time I have ever had temper tantrums... when the sadness in my heart is so overwhelming.... when I feel the pain of the earth.. the pain of the world.. and can't do anything to change it.
In that moment I remembered when Ivan left last summer, sitting in my car.. heaving with sadness I had to laugh... to be thankful for the pain.... to recognize that I wouldn't change any moment, for everyone teaches me more and more about myself.
The deepest sadness is accompanied with the lightest happiness.. you can't get the light without the dark... I felt how scared I am to be happy when I have such compassion for the world and for all the suffering..
the only answer in my soul is that I have been through lives of suffering... and that it is only through living through love and showing others that it is possible will I ever have a chance of making a difference...
So I take humble happiness... that I will enjoy my life and live it the way I want.. BECAUSE I CAN... and so many people can't... that I will love myself enough to honour that I am allowed to enjoy my freedom.. enjoy my life and send love to all those in the world so they too can one day find peace.... and let go of their anger.... let go of their sadness.... and be themselves... at their deepest level.
We are going to the petroglyphs... and then I have to work.
Gotta run.
xo
love and light.
angels on your pillow.
I do not know what makes me write or not write.... but most of the time I am just not feeling like putting aside time to share whats going on with myself, or anyone else... but then sometimes, what moves in me is so profound I am possessed to write... and nothing can stop me.
Today I have a sense of that and so have come back to the keyboard.
I was sitting at my dining room table last night, starting to share how my day was and I just had this enormous sadness pulse through me.... for the first time in a LONG time I let go and cried in front of my boyfriend and his best friend.... feeling totally vulnerable, silly, embarrassed, sad.... I sat there with my hands in my hands and cried... this pressure building up in my chest.... asking myself what the hell I was experiencing.....
When I calmed myself to look up the boys were trying to distract me... encouraging me to go hit something.... play a sport... shoot a bow and arrow.... get out the energy... but the voice in my soul told me I needed to cry. I needed to let THIS OUT and not change its form.
So I told them I needed to cry and walked outside. Stood in my driveway and just let myself cry..... the grief cry.
This week was a powerful week for me. I worked 50 hours last week... my feet felt like they were going to fall off my body.... I was physically, emotionally exhausted and so asked one of my co workers if they would take my Monday shift. Monday James and I ended up going to the Warsaw caves.
Just like everytime before.. it changed me again. 25/08/14 - I wrote a note to put in the tree that I found the last one in.
As soon as we made these plans my phone rang from someone looking for my boyfriend. Odd? He has been having this conversation with this man in Havelock aout trading a guitar he has for a compound bow and arrow.
As soon as we decided to go, he wrote the guy an email telling him we were going to be at the Warsaw caves. He called and we made tentative plans to meet at 2:00. We got there with 10 minutes to spare... they showed up right on time. Turns out the bow was a gift from the man's brother who sadly died in January.... you could see the sadness in him.... not wanting to give up the bow, but knowing that it was the right thing to do for himself..... I told him it was our honour.
He asked James what kind of music he plays... James told him rockabilly surfing style, "perfect, can you play a little?" The man wanted to learn what James already knows... so he played a little kneeling on the grass outside of the park entrance.
The exchange was made. The man had grown up close by but never had come down....the only story he had was of him and his brother together when they were young.... . healing.
We set off down the path... I wanted to Show James where the story I had told him had taken place. I lead the way, until the fork... and didn't know which way.. I had never taken the path up... only down... that time with the boys we ended up going off on our own.
When I don't know where I am going... I always worry that I am going to choose wrong.... I get stalled... I asked James where we should go.. "I don't know." But he could see my frustration with picking the wrong way and asked if I would like him to lead.. "Yes" I exclaimed with a sigh. Thank god... we ended up crossing these huge boulders... and then through the forest and then off to the left was this crevice... we walked through and sat down to have a smoke. As we sat there and admired our surrounding I looked over to see the water... I wondered if it was where I had crossed over last year... whether, it could.... be the same spot... after sitting for about 15 minutes I suggested we brave the poison Ivy and walk over to the water... almost the exact same point... we ended up walking across.... the sun shining down on us, it was certainly an existential moment.... I didn't hold James' hand.. I was barefoot. he had crocks.. fearless without worry he crossed, in his wake my carefully watched footing was covered with the silt he moved around while he eclipsed my path.... there I was, not 7 feet from the shore, up to my knees in beautiful water... andmy head was starting to get the best of me.. crawfish, serpants... pointy things.. I DO NOT LIKE discomfort..... as my head started getting the best of me I had to calm down.. I was surely going to fall. James was already on the big rock on the other side.... doing a little dance.. he suggested me throwing my shoes and cup to him.... again I was scared of throwing them into the water... "I don't have a good throw".. "Come on.. just do it, you are fine." So I did... everytime getting it straight to him... weird how we have these silly little fears of looking stupid... and how I have some ingrained thought about how I can't throw.... even though I can.
When all things were safe on the shore I got my balance.. stood there for a minute and took in the space... the irony of the first time doing this alone... and the second time with James... both times not holding anyone's hand.
He reminded me that I was wearing a bathing suit and that the worst thing to happen was for me to fall in. I balanced myself on the top of this rock, scared to step to the big rock that stood between me and the shore.. I asked him how slippery it was. would I be able to catch myself..... in his answer I told myself to just do it.. see for myself. I stepped.. the rock held, my foot held. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.. stepping up, we stood there for a few minutes.. me reminded of the note.."crossing over always leads to something" -
I tried to remember where I saw the "hole in the ground" ... we climbed up to the top of the rock face..... that lead back to the path.... James lead when we got to the top.. I was all disoriented and told him the last time I let him lead he got me to where I wanted to go... so I trusted him this time.... he stopped to show me the different kinds of mushrooms he found.... and finally we came across the "Hole' James got in WITH me.... and when we thumped our feet on the floor it sounded hollow.... like a drum... he suggested that it would make a good sweat space.... I casually suggested it would be a good place to get married.... As we played out our ideas in our heads.. I saw the space as sacred once again.... He got out and I stayed, did a little Yoga in the hole and then bent down and made a little lean to with twigs.. remembering my kindergarten year at the waldorff school where we were taught about wood knomes and spent so much of our time making little houses for them to stay in.
James was off investigating... I finally went with and we found the main kettle... it was certain not that the 'hole' was a filled in version of this kettle' ... an EARTH DRUM.
We left and ended up going up to the look out, passing what I like to call the "love tree" a tree that starts off as one then branches apart about a foot above the ground into two separate trees that grow parallel.
We got up to the lookout then turned back.
The whole rest of the walk I contemplated how I much I am in my head and how much I pay attention.. and how I walk.
I had taken my shoes off, and like the first time my feet felt renewed. It was exactly what I needed.
I had decided on the walk that I was going to write on the little note my name... so that I could maybe know who found the note.. but as we were nearing the tree, we came across this family trying to get through the narrow space. we waited.. I heard the old man in the back yell to the younger men... insome other language... I laughed and said outloud "I wish I knew what he just said"... the younger man said " he said , is the water close?" it wasn't far... but definitely not the easiest walk for an elderly person.
when I turned back James was gone, and a space had been cleared, so I thanked the young man and took off up the trail.. giggling ot myself how fitting it was what the man had yelled.... how his tone had said the same thing.
As I neared the tree I came face to face with this woman of about 40 or so. The tree disappeared, I wanted to know her. I said hello and asked where she was from....Isreal.... 'Nazareth' she said... she was visiting.
'Of course I thought...I'm meeting someone from Nazereth at the Warsaw Caves.... The universe has an interesting sense of humour....
Immediately I got this overwhelming feeling of sadness.... my eyes started to well up..
"I am so sorry what is going on in your country" fell from my mouth.
We stared at eachother... "it's ok... I am on vacation, not a time to think of these things, we are here to enjoy."
I smiled, of course.. but I am still sorry.... "welcome, I am so glad I met you.. this is a special place... I won't keep you any longer... have a lovely day...I'm Amanda, nice to meet you. We shook hands and she responded with her name."
I turned around and james was there waiting for me. I took his hand as I passed the rest of the family.. smiling and saying hello.
We arrived at the parking lot. How ironic it was that we hadn't seen anyone since the start of our walk.. and now we saw 3 familes. We went to the car... and then decided to go down to the beach for a swim.
The only time I had been down to the beach was the second time I had gone with the boys last fall... in the dark I had made my way down to the water... the mist coming up off... I stepped in to my knees, but didn't know the water and started to get scared so came back out. I had heard dogs/cayotes/wolves howling that night... and without knowing the terrain I was happy with not venturing any further.. this time was in the day.. kids making a water slide out of sand.. it meandering down the hill into the water.. a young boy with down syndrome stood on the bank of the river with dolls in his hand, looking at us... I spoke to his mom for a minute "what a handful! She smiled. "ya.." "Are they all yours?" "Three are mine, 2 are friends." Well that's nice"..
I walked into the water and then said "Hi" to the little boy.. before I could even finish the word "Hi" came out of his mouth.. "how are y-" "good." he brightened me.
James said "come look at these rocks."
I went in... the water never got past my waistline... but the ground was all rock.... as we stood there, James mentioned how the rocks felt weird... "like they are there and you are pushing down on them"... Its a difficult feeling to explain.. but basically, with the gentle current, you feel like the rocks are floating and you are the heavy one.
we walked up the river... and I floated back.
We ended up leaving shortly after... met another family, a lovely man who has visited here at least a dozen times and camped at least a half dozen times.... his favorite place.
My favorite place.
we ended up stopping in on friends of mine... but they weren't home... so I took James to Youngs point... there we sat out on a patio overlooking the very first place I remember as a kid at our family reunions.. the inlet that is my great uncles leagacy.
We ended up having the lovliest dinner... and when I finally got the chance to talk to the waitress, it turned out she was the owner.. her and her husband.
She was lovely and their story was touching.
As we were leaving I went into the washroom to find a poster ... an old poster for my great uncle's realstate...
crazy.
...
The next day I worked in Peterborough with the woman I work with with special needs. I want her privacy to always be respected... so I won't talk much about her here.... if ever... but because of the privacy issues I have ahard time processing the things I see and feel at work.... yesterday was a particularly difficult day.... and the pain she was in.... ugh.
I got home and after about an hour started to talk about how I was feeling so overwhelmed.. and broke down...
I found myself walking out to the field.... crying and pounding my chest, my diaphragm, my stomach, my throat.... feeling different spaces of heaviness come up.... tapping my body and letting myself let the energy go... making deep sighing sounds.... crying.... tapping my whole body I saw that I was letting out feelings that had blocked spaces of my body for so long I was being possessed to awaken these places in my body.. feel the thump thump of my hands on it... helping the tension lessen... I thought this must be why EFT and bowen work.... because when you let your body take over it wants you to release the tension....
watching how my voice changed with the rhythm of my thumping.. I spent an hour out there in the field... stretching.... breathing.... feeling....
In my despair I felt that this pain has always lived in my heart... its the only time I have ever had temper tantrums... when the sadness in my heart is so overwhelming.... when I feel the pain of the earth.. the pain of the world.. and can't do anything to change it.
In that moment I remembered when Ivan left last summer, sitting in my car.. heaving with sadness I had to laugh... to be thankful for the pain.... to recognize that I wouldn't change any moment, for everyone teaches me more and more about myself.
The deepest sadness is accompanied with the lightest happiness.. you can't get the light without the dark... I felt how scared I am to be happy when I have such compassion for the world and for all the suffering..
the only answer in my soul is that I have been through lives of suffering... and that it is only through living through love and showing others that it is possible will I ever have a chance of making a difference...
So I take humble happiness... that I will enjoy my life and live it the way I want.. BECAUSE I CAN... and so many people can't... that I will love myself enough to honour that I am allowed to enjoy my freedom.. enjoy my life and send love to all those in the world so they too can one day find peace.... and let go of their anger.... let go of their sadness.... and be themselves... at their deepest level.
We are going to the petroglyphs... and then I have to work.
Gotta run.
xo
love and light.
angels on your pillow.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
it's been a while....
I've noticed over the years when I go through really big things in my life its harder to write.... especially when it comes to relationships... my mother dying was one.. and all my partnerships I have fought to write.... I suppose part of it is the fear of ACTUALLY remembering things.... and the other part is that I can't believe its actually happening.
I remember telling myself when my mother died that I didn't write because putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard makes something real. It no longer lives in your subconscious.. there it is for others to read, explore and criticize. I have struggled so much over the years with sharing who I am, my intricacies for fear of rejection.... abandonment.... and when I was rejected or abandoned it was always based on the things I was scared to be honest about...
this journey really has been one of continually owning myself and learning who I am so that I can be proud of who I am and who I was... looking at the fact that I made every choice in my life based on the reality I had at the time... and in exploring my historical realities I have come to see how beautifully I have navigated life.
I have a story...and every where I go people thank me for talking.. thank me for giving a smidgen of advice. Its difficult to be humble while also recognizing that I have a gift... perhaps I am an empathy that is just learning that I am one.. but I seem to say the things people are searching for.... and I want to share it.
I have wanted to write for sometime... but always I have an excuse... being in the periphery of the storm is way harder than being in the eye... and I feel that I am finally coming to the eye. the pocket in the middle of all the chaos. And here... I declared today to the universe that I give myself permission to just sit in this pocket and enjoy.. stop worrying about what will come next... just being here... now.
I have been feeling lately very charged like I did in the fall when all that crazy shit was going on with nature and T. Quitting school.. the caves.... and subsequently losing everything and then finding J.A. I am so in love that I am scared to share it.... I'm scared to actually declare that I am ridiculously head over heels for this man.. because I criticize myself for allowing myself to be reliant on one person again... but really... it's not like that. We just loe who each other is... and we are kind to eachother.... and I suppose at the end of the day.. that's all that really matters.
I don't have much time to write but I wanted to write what I could in the 20 minutes I have before work.... before I forget my insight today.
My oldest friend wrote me a few weeks ago telling me she had a moment doing yoga that day where she had this deep feeling like I needed to write my book... that I needed to share my story. And I have been sitting with it... allowing thoughts and feelings about it to come and go.. and then today I randomly picked up a book called 100 ways to save money and energy in the home... an old book in a random plastic bag I thought... "that's it.." people want something simple. I hated reading for a very long time.... I think partially because I was a school kid and it was work to read... you only read what you HAD to... that my journey started off with simple reads.... and people want to know the practical..
every one has heard of a hundred self help books... and to be honest there are very few I have read.... the books that have had the biggest impact on me are eat pray love.; the Celestine prophecy; the alchemist; A New Earth; Radical Acceptance; The four agreements; 11 minutes; Seeing Nature; Ancient Wisdom.
My take on life comes from old traditions.. alchemy and science.. spirit and experience. And I know that all these books walked me into an understanding of the day to day experience of the journey. I don't want to forget it before I share.. and so I was thinking today what people need is the lessons.. the things that work... and if they want to know the back story.. they can come here... and read 10 years of my life.
I started with the lessons I had learned... and I start the next chapter from that space as well.
It's good to feel Good - Abraham Hicks
It's ok to want what you want.
Give yourself permission to want more for yourself
give yourself permission to fail and/or NOT want something
Every word counts... every thought counts
The universe is on your side.. ALWAYS.
The lessons keep happening over and over until you learn them....
Have the courage to grow
You can't teach an old dog new tricks is bullshit
It's embarrassing getting older is bullshit... own that shit....
You have survived this far.... probability is on your side.
You can't trust anyone until you know your intuition and trust it to be true.
You can't let someone be themselves until you can be yourself and be aware of every moment
The most powerful emotion on earth is gratitude in the face of deep sorrow and grief
A true orgasm comes from the safety that true love brings.
A partner that holds you when you are scared....and stays present is more than I could ever ask for.
Allowing life is fucking hard.
Hope exists.
I am a positive realist.
I'm a server lifer.
I am scared of being powerful and forgetting who I am
I am scared of not knowing everything.
I know I don't know or understand everything... but I think I understand things in a way that is valuable to share.
the most important thing after waking up to the truth of this world.. is to rebuild a foundation built on your new values and perspectives.... the foundation is the key. Baby steps.
Everything comes from a tiny seed..... tiny steps get you there faster than never starting....
each moment in time is a moment to be celebrated.
pictures are special
confidence is courageous.
asking questions takes courage.
being vulnerable takes courage
being honest takes courage.
being real takes courage.
loving and being willing to get hurt takes courage.
I'll write more later... got to run.
Amanda
I remember telling myself when my mother died that I didn't write because putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard makes something real. It no longer lives in your subconscious.. there it is for others to read, explore and criticize. I have struggled so much over the years with sharing who I am, my intricacies for fear of rejection.... abandonment.... and when I was rejected or abandoned it was always based on the things I was scared to be honest about...
this journey really has been one of continually owning myself and learning who I am so that I can be proud of who I am and who I was... looking at the fact that I made every choice in my life based on the reality I had at the time... and in exploring my historical realities I have come to see how beautifully I have navigated life.
I have a story...and every where I go people thank me for talking.. thank me for giving a smidgen of advice. Its difficult to be humble while also recognizing that I have a gift... perhaps I am an empathy that is just learning that I am one.. but I seem to say the things people are searching for.... and I want to share it.
I have wanted to write for sometime... but always I have an excuse... being in the periphery of the storm is way harder than being in the eye... and I feel that I am finally coming to the eye. the pocket in the middle of all the chaos. And here... I declared today to the universe that I give myself permission to just sit in this pocket and enjoy.. stop worrying about what will come next... just being here... now.
I have been feeling lately very charged like I did in the fall when all that crazy shit was going on with nature and T. Quitting school.. the caves.... and subsequently losing everything and then finding J.A. I am so in love that I am scared to share it.... I'm scared to actually declare that I am ridiculously head over heels for this man.. because I criticize myself for allowing myself to be reliant on one person again... but really... it's not like that. We just loe who each other is... and we are kind to eachother.... and I suppose at the end of the day.. that's all that really matters.
I don't have much time to write but I wanted to write what I could in the 20 minutes I have before work.... before I forget my insight today.
My oldest friend wrote me a few weeks ago telling me she had a moment doing yoga that day where she had this deep feeling like I needed to write my book... that I needed to share my story. And I have been sitting with it... allowing thoughts and feelings about it to come and go.. and then today I randomly picked up a book called 100 ways to save money and energy in the home... an old book in a random plastic bag I thought... "that's it.." people want something simple. I hated reading for a very long time.... I think partially because I was a school kid and it was work to read... you only read what you HAD to... that my journey started off with simple reads.... and people want to know the practical..
every one has heard of a hundred self help books... and to be honest there are very few I have read.... the books that have had the biggest impact on me are eat pray love.; the Celestine prophecy; the alchemist; A New Earth; Radical Acceptance; The four agreements; 11 minutes; Seeing Nature; Ancient Wisdom.
My take on life comes from old traditions.. alchemy and science.. spirit and experience. And I know that all these books walked me into an understanding of the day to day experience of the journey. I don't want to forget it before I share.. and so I was thinking today what people need is the lessons.. the things that work... and if they want to know the back story.. they can come here... and read 10 years of my life.
I started with the lessons I had learned... and I start the next chapter from that space as well.
It's good to feel Good - Abraham Hicks
It's ok to want what you want.
Give yourself permission to want more for yourself
give yourself permission to fail and/or NOT want something
Every word counts... every thought counts
The universe is on your side.. ALWAYS.
The lessons keep happening over and over until you learn them....
Have the courage to grow
You can't teach an old dog new tricks is bullshit
It's embarrassing getting older is bullshit... own that shit....
You have survived this far.... probability is on your side.
You can't trust anyone until you know your intuition and trust it to be true.
You can't let someone be themselves until you can be yourself and be aware of every moment
The most powerful emotion on earth is gratitude in the face of deep sorrow and grief
A true orgasm comes from the safety that true love brings.
A partner that holds you when you are scared....and stays present is more than I could ever ask for.
Allowing life is fucking hard.
Hope exists.
I am a positive realist.
I'm a server lifer.
I am scared of being powerful and forgetting who I am
I am scared of not knowing everything.
I know I don't know or understand everything... but I think I understand things in a way that is valuable to share.
the most important thing after waking up to the truth of this world.. is to rebuild a foundation built on your new values and perspectives.... the foundation is the key. Baby steps.
Everything comes from a tiny seed..... tiny steps get you there faster than never starting....
each moment in time is a moment to be celebrated.
pictures are special
confidence is courageous.
asking questions takes courage.
being vulnerable takes courage
being honest takes courage.
being real takes courage.
loving and being willing to get hurt takes courage.
I'll write more later... got to run.
Amanda
Sunday, March 23, 2014
allowing life - finding love - feeling my worth
It's been needless to say an interesting journey.. this life of mine.
This blog has evolved from my young self exploring sex, relationships, life ... to the revealing of my inner self, the evolution of my soul.
I am finally getting to a point in my life where I see the tapestry it was all weaving, and by FINALLY being able to accept myself, and find peace inside myself I am feeling the joy in my heart for having lived this rediculous life so far.
I have HUGE dreams... and perhaps that's what the biggest struggle has been .. to have hope in a life I can't even describe.
It's happening..... revealing itself in little moments like the Crow full moon on St Patrick's day. My first night shift since quitting nursing school.... it's brilliance shining forth, with the illusion of it rushing across the sky as the light covering of clouds sweeped by.... it's brilliance... it's love.
I'm feeling nature in a way I have never experienced it before. I am feeling the amazingness that is this universe and the clarity of allowing life to happen.. being receptive to all that life wants to give you and not being stuck in feeling unworthy so I can't see it.
Something is changing. My friend J.R. thinks of me as some kind of guru and this girl knows me.. knows details I dare even put here... and she adores me... and wants to take care of me.. and for the first time in my life I really feel safe and at home. I feel like I can finally relax and let the fruits of my laborous 31 year reap their benefits.
I am moving out west... I don't know when but Haida Gwaii is pulling me.... the mountains, the water, the trees are calling me....
this journey has been one of coming out of the city into the heart of nature and recognizing that what us inner city kids are missing is our connection to the divine through nature.
I'm calm in a way I have never been calm before. I feel assured for the first time in my life.. knowing that the secret I hold is my authenticism and my ability to see myself in all things... my compassion... my forgiveness... my love.
Of course there have been times in my life I have played with judgment and criticism... and sometimes it's even been funny! But who I am is someone who understands and appreciates that people come from their environments.... and that we have chosen our path deliberately. That our journey shows us all the ways we avoid ourselves... because all that the universe wants is for us to love ourselves.. to let the beauty of the universe shine forth FROM us.... so we can feel it's brilliance respond.
Yesterday I finally made peace with quitting nursing school.
It's been a long 7 months... everyday I think about my unfinished business.... friends that I haven't made amends with yet... and nursing school.. but yesterday and the party for my best friend.. for passing her CRNE - the girl who I met the first day.. who subsequently moved in with me at the farm house - I realized how proud I was of her... and how proud I was of myself... and that My partner J.A. and my friend J.R. are worth it all... that I got to have them both in my life by having a leap of faith and listening to my heart.. no matter where it took me....
ultimately to the very intimate places of my soul.
to my heart... to trusting myself and life.... to love.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world... my heart bursts forth with gratitude... and I finally have someone who completely understands me....
I finally have someone who is MY cheerleader and it's the most amazing feeling in the whole world.
I also got a St. Patrick's day card from my father Patrick.... I can't wait for this year to reveal itself to me.... I'm going to meet my dad :) just wanted to share.
This blog has evolved from my young self exploring sex, relationships, life ... to the revealing of my inner self, the evolution of my soul.
I am finally getting to a point in my life where I see the tapestry it was all weaving, and by FINALLY being able to accept myself, and find peace inside myself I am feeling the joy in my heart for having lived this rediculous life so far.
I have HUGE dreams... and perhaps that's what the biggest struggle has been .. to have hope in a life I can't even describe.
It's happening..... revealing itself in little moments like the Crow full moon on St Patrick's day. My first night shift since quitting nursing school.... it's brilliance shining forth, with the illusion of it rushing across the sky as the light covering of clouds sweeped by.... it's brilliance... it's love.
I'm feeling nature in a way I have never experienced it before. I am feeling the amazingness that is this universe and the clarity of allowing life to happen.. being receptive to all that life wants to give you and not being stuck in feeling unworthy so I can't see it.
Something is changing. My friend J.R. thinks of me as some kind of guru and this girl knows me.. knows details I dare even put here... and she adores me... and wants to take care of me.. and for the first time in my life I really feel safe and at home. I feel like I can finally relax and let the fruits of my laborous 31 year reap their benefits.
I am moving out west... I don't know when but Haida Gwaii is pulling me.... the mountains, the water, the trees are calling me....
this journey has been one of coming out of the city into the heart of nature and recognizing that what us inner city kids are missing is our connection to the divine through nature.
I'm calm in a way I have never been calm before. I feel assured for the first time in my life.. knowing that the secret I hold is my authenticism and my ability to see myself in all things... my compassion... my forgiveness... my love.
Of course there have been times in my life I have played with judgment and criticism... and sometimes it's even been funny! But who I am is someone who understands and appreciates that people come from their environments.... and that we have chosen our path deliberately. That our journey shows us all the ways we avoid ourselves... because all that the universe wants is for us to love ourselves.. to let the beauty of the universe shine forth FROM us.... so we can feel it's brilliance respond.
Yesterday I finally made peace with quitting nursing school.
It's been a long 7 months... everyday I think about my unfinished business.... friends that I haven't made amends with yet... and nursing school.. but yesterday and the party for my best friend.. for passing her CRNE - the girl who I met the first day.. who subsequently moved in with me at the farm house - I realized how proud I was of her... and how proud I was of myself... and that My partner J.A. and my friend J.R. are worth it all... that I got to have them both in my life by having a leap of faith and listening to my heart.. no matter where it took me....
ultimately to the very intimate places of my soul.
to my heart... to trusting myself and life.... to love.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world... my heart bursts forth with gratitude... and I finally have someone who completely understands me....
I finally have someone who is MY cheerleader and it's the most amazing feeling in the whole world.
I also got a St. Patrick's day card from my father Patrick.... I can't wait for this year to reveal itself to me.... I'm going to meet my dad :) just wanted to share.
Monday, February 24, 2014
you are in others, others are in you. FB convo
I posted this picture on my facebook today, this is the conversation that ensued. I felt I articulated myself well so felt that it was an appropriate post.
ME : I held the same belief you did for years...the exercise is more the day to day things.... the more I look at the things that I react to, the more I let go of what I react to, allowing myself the space to be happy...i actually watch whenever something bothers me... and ask myself if it;s something I do too...but can't admit to... and usually - it is..even if it's something i did a a child who didn't know better... . like getting upset about the dishes not being done...they are not done because I haven't done them... anything I am upset about brings awareness to parts of myself that I don't particularly like... hate for an abuser is no different than the abusers hate for themselves.. it perpetuates the pain.. and eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.... is a very REAL statement... .. if you had grown up being tortured with no love.... you too may have grown up to be an asshole. babies are not born to hate.... they learn that.... compassion is the only way to peace. the only way. and the only way that happens is to become fully integrated into yourself and realize that being human is the human experience... that you reside in everyone and everyone resides in you.... the moment you know how to defeat your enemy is the moment you love them. true... and horribly difficult to accept. BUT it's all a balance.... and you know your own truth.... whatever works for you is the best way.... this is just what I have come to accept over the past year.... and I am happier than I have ever been... but that's all the evidence I have... my own experience. love you. xoxoxoxox
Thursday, February 20, 2014
update - February - SOOOO IN LOVE
It's amazing how the roller coaster has gone down over the past couple of months.... I am sooo in love and I've been soo low and sooo high in the past 2 months.... getting fired from a receptionsit job left me feeling reasonably suicidal.. but what I have come to see that my lows don't last for more than an afternoon now.. I finally, have the capacity to find the lesson, the positive the space to be thankful for uncomfortable experiences quicker than ever before, which is leading me more and more in to the arms of happiness.. and for that I am always greatful.
My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...
I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.
*****
Mr. Smith,
My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...
I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.
*****
Mr. Smith,
I have a faint recollection that your birthday is in February and if I remember correctly.... you may in fact be turning 40 this year.... you popped into my head today and so I thought I would send you a early/belated birthday message :)
I hope things are working themselves out for you and that life is finally starting to look up.
I am rediculously in love ... fantasizing about Saturday market days, growing flowers in the garden and eventually finishing nursing school.
My friend Jules and I have gotten considerably closer in the past month and she is moving up here just got a puppy and is going to take some repose at our house and help with decorating and making the space more homey. She was offered a job on Haida Gwaii - the queen charlotte islands... and told me that she would love if I came with her when I am done school.... so that seems how the trip out west will unfold..... all in its right timing.
I finally just got a job as a PSW at the local retirement home which basically means I play games with old people during my shifts.. which is so much fun.. and I have an interview this Friday with an organization that supports young adults with learning difficulties which I am suuuper stoked about because it seems like it's an organization that may actually support who I am, so that's cool.
My best friend is having a baby shower this weekend so J.A. and I are heading there... I am soooo excited. I have known this woman since we were born. Our mother's were best friends....(this is the girl who got married last new years) so it's letting the love in even more
This whole relationship and now with Jules around has been incredibly educational, observing where I push love away, where I get triggered, what I get upset about and cause disagreement when I don't need to... I have some how gained the capacity to see things happen before they happen and recognize how I create the very situation I am scared of in the first place.. which has allowed me to allow this entire thing to simply unfold as it should.
We've been together for 4 months now and not a mean word between us.... I never knew someone could love me the way he does.... and all because I learned to love and honour myself :)
With Jules around I have been finally talking about what happened over the past 2 years. She was so upst with me sending you letters when you were obviously not interested in me at all... she was so worried about me and pittied me so much.. all last year that she refused to let me even talk about it... and so now she finally understands that I had to do it to figure my self out and my issues... to get me here so she's more open to me sharing.. which has been very interesting because I am very honest with J.A. too about what happened and how I felt about you.. and what it was like to be so in love with someone that didn't want anything to do with me back... and how that makes me fearless and cautious in this relationship.. all at the same time.
I am so happy and I am so thankful for you and the space you created for me... that this jouney has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to... guiding me to my own heart I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall :
*****
Is completely overwhelmed at the result of my choices in life... can't even begin to express the joy, calm and love I am experiencing.. I have battled for 6 months with quitting nursing school. The day I made the decision felt like a suffocating weight was lifted from me. I have wondered if I did the right thing for myself for 6 months.... with everyone around me feeling like I just went and train wrecked my life.... I am FINALLY coming to see the beautiful results of my choice to say 'ENOUGH'. I will always... from NOW ON... ALWAYS choose myself, my comfort, my happiness over EVERYTHING else.
With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.
and it's 2 degrees outside SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.
Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.
Soon. Soon.
I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.
I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell...
Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox
love from ONTARIO
With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.
and it's 2 degrees outside SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.
Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.
Soon. Soon.
I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.
I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell...
Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox
love from ONTARIO
******
and that sort of summarizes everything.
I had a vision a couple days ago of you and your girls and I finally meeting and you being able to come out to the farm with them.. and hang out with me, J.A. and our friends..... that perhaps somewhere in the space between us there is a space for friendship... but I did tell you in November that I would not pressure you and I will honour that promise.
Well my dear, I hope you are happy ... maybe even in love? and that your birthday was/is as beautiful as you are.... you are sooo good. inherently beautiful... you created the blueprint for me.. you raised the bar..... and I am happy because of it.
xoxo
angels on your pillow.
The world was made a better place... and my life all the better for having met you... I completely celebrate the difference you have already made on this planet..... Happy. Birth. Day.
love
Saturday, January 04, 2014
hear me roar
My life has been an interesting journey so far - to watch as the world changes. To see how the world is opening to the truths my mom realized all those years ago. To spend my life putting my heart above everything else.... to see how different a life that grants me - and to see the possibilities open up in front of me - that my truth is everyone's truth - but the only way one can come to that truth is through their own experience and reflection - belief cannot be taught - tools can be given - but the truth of your soul lies inside you.
It is the quiet whispers of your heart you must learn to listen to - you must learn to embrace - you must learn to love.
It is a difficult path to break old beliefs - to watch yourself come out of the dark place you put yourself in and embrace full self expression in a world that dubs disconnection to the rest of your own life as 'professionalism'.
Throughout life survival is the most important thing - as a child survival meant following rules that would keep you safe - following beliefs that would make those with power over you happy.... but you forgot that those weren't your beliefs - you questioned them as a child - survival as an adult means to find the truth of the child in your heart - the love that emenated from you simply for being alive. Survival means risking all for your own truth.
I don't know where my heart will take me - I don't know what layers my heart still has to unfold - what space inside I will find myself in.
All I know is that my truth has always been to be proud of the love I offered and the person I became. To be able to reflect on a life I am most proud of and to learn how to be my own cheerleader - to accept that people may not like me - and I may be different - but it is my own unique experience that offers me the opportunity to share what I have learned so far.
It's a weird thing being on this journey.
To learn how to be thankful for all the lessons - no matter how hard - and to recognize that I am at the center of my own world.
To become present and learn how to quiet the voices in my head - quiet the criticism, the constant looking for what is wrong, challenging the internal beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with me - that my overly emotional expression is nothing less than a gift. My authenticity, without attachment is the gift I offer the world - and even though it may not be understood - it is the greatest gift I can give - my vulnerable open self. To brave the criticism, to brave the misunderstandings and never make anyone else wrong for their own path.
To be true to my path, no matter how unconventional.... to look for the beauty in all the little things and to be thankful to be alive on this beautiful planet.
When we realize that the pain we feel in our hearts is the lack of love we have for ourselves and being brave enough to stand in the light and declare:
I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE YOU. I AM ME. HEAR ME ROAR.
It is the quiet whispers of your heart you must learn to listen to - you must learn to embrace - you must learn to love.
It is a difficult path to break old beliefs - to watch yourself come out of the dark place you put yourself in and embrace full self expression in a world that dubs disconnection to the rest of your own life as 'professionalism'.
Throughout life survival is the most important thing - as a child survival meant following rules that would keep you safe - following beliefs that would make those with power over you happy.... but you forgot that those weren't your beliefs - you questioned them as a child - survival as an adult means to find the truth of the child in your heart - the love that emenated from you simply for being alive. Survival means risking all for your own truth.
I don't know where my heart will take me - I don't know what layers my heart still has to unfold - what space inside I will find myself in.
All I know is that my truth has always been to be proud of the love I offered and the person I became. To be able to reflect on a life I am most proud of and to learn how to be my own cheerleader - to accept that people may not like me - and I may be different - but it is my own unique experience that offers me the opportunity to share what I have learned so far.
It's a weird thing being on this journey.
To learn how to be thankful for all the lessons - no matter how hard - and to recognize that I am at the center of my own world.
To become present and learn how to quiet the voices in my head - quiet the criticism, the constant looking for what is wrong, challenging the internal beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with me - that my overly emotional expression is nothing less than a gift. My authenticity, without attachment is the gift I offer the world - and even though it may not be understood - it is the greatest gift I can give - my vulnerable open self. To brave the criticism, to brave the misunderstandings and never make anyone else wrong for their own path.
To be true to my path, no matter how unconventional.... to look for the beauty in all the little things and to be thankful to be alive on this beautiful planet.
When we realize that the pain we feel in our hearts is the lack of love we have for ourselves and being brave enough to stand in the light and declare:
I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE YOU. I AM ME. HEAR ME ROAR.
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