I've noticed over the years when I go through really big things in my life its harder to write.... especially when it comes to relationships... my mother dying was one.. and all my partnerships I have fought to write.... I suppose part of it is the fear of ACTUALLY remembering things.... and the other part is that I can't believe its actually happening.
I remember telling myself when my mother died that I didn't write because putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard makes something real. It no longer lives in your subconscious.. there it is for others to read, explore and criticize. I have struggled so much over the years with sharing who I am, my intricacies for fear of rejection.... abandonment.... and when I was rejected or abandoned it was always based on the things I was scared to be honest about...
this journey really has been one of continually owning myself and learning who I am so that I can be proud of who I am and who I was... looking at the fact that I made every choice in my life based on the reality I had at the time... and in exploring my historical realities I have come to see how beautifully I have navigated life.
I have a story...and every where I go people thank me for talking.. thank me for giving a smidgen of advice. Its difficult to be humble while also recognizing that I have a gift... perhaps I am an empathy that is just learning that I am one.. but I seem to say the things people are searching for.... and I want to share it.
I have wanted to write for sometime... but always I have an excuse... being in the periphery of the storm is way harder than being in the eye... and I feel that I am finally coming to the eye. the pocket in the middle of all the chaos. And here... I declared today to the universe that I give myself permission to just sit in this pocket and enjoy.. stop worrying about what will come next... just being here... now.
I have been feeling lately very charged like I did in the fall when all that crazy shit was going on with nature and T. Quitting school.. the caves.... and subsequently losing everything and then finding J.A. I am so in love that I am scared to share it.... I'm scared to actually declare that I am ridiculously head over heels for this man.. because I criticize myself for allowing myself to be reliant on one person again... but really... it's not like that. We just loe who each other is... and we are kind to eachother.... and I suppose at the end of the day.. that's all that really matters.
I don't have much time to write but I wanted to write what I could in the 20 minutes I have before work.... before I forget my insight today.
My oldest friend wrote me a few weeks ago telling me she had a moment doing yoga that day where she had this deep feeling like I needed to write my book... that I needed to share my story. And I have been sitting with it... allowing thoughts and feelings about it to come and go.. and then today I randomly picked up a book called 100 ways to save money and energy in the home... an old book in a random plastic bag I thought... "that's it.." people want something simple. I hated reading for a very long time.... I think partially because I was a school kid and it was work to read... you only read what you HAD to... that my journey started off with simple reads.... and people want to know the practical..
every one has heard of a hundred self help books... and to be honest there are very few I have read.... the books that have had the biggest impact on me are eat pray love.; the Celestine prophecy; the alchemist; A New Earth; Radical Acceptance; The four agreements; 11 minutes; Seeing Nature; Ancient Wisdom.
My take on life comes from old traditions.. alchemy and science.. spirit and experience. And I know that all these books walked me into an understanding of the day to day experience of the journey. I don't want to forget it before I share.. and so I was thinking today what people need is the lessons.. the things that work... and if they want to know the back story.. they can come here... and read 10 years of my life.
I started with the lessons I had learned... and I start the next chapter from that space as well.
It's good to feel Good - Abraham Hicks
It's ok to want what you want.
Give yourself permission to want more for yourself
give yourself permission to fail and/or NOT want something
Every word counts... every thought counts
The universe is on your side.. ALWAYS.
The lessons keep happening over and over until you learn them....
Have the courage to grow
You can't teach an old dog new tricks is bullshit
It's embarrassing getting older is bullshit... own that shit....
You have survived this far.... probability is on your side.
You can't trust anyone until you know your intuition and trust it to be true.
You can't let someone be themselves until you can be yourself and be aware of every moment
The most powerful emotion on earth is gratitude in the face of deep sorrow and grief
A true orgasm comes from the safety that true love brings.
A partner that holds you when you are scared....and stays present is more than I could ever ask for.
Allowing life is fucking hard.
Hope exists.
I am a positive realist.
I'm a server lifer.
I am scared of being powerful and forgetting who I am
I am scared of not knowing everything.
I know I don't know or understand everything... but I think I understand things in a way that is valuable to share.
the most important thing after waking up to the truth of this world.. is to rebuild a foundation built on your new values and perspectives.... the foundation is the key. Baby steps.
Everything comes from a tiny seed..... tiny steps get you there faster than never starting....
each moment in time is a moment to be celebrated.
pictures are special
confidence is courageous.
asking questions takes courage.
being vulnerable takes courage
being honest takes courage.
being real takes courage.
loving and being willing to get hurt takes courage.
I'll write more later... got to run.
Amanda
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