loss of distractions... the fear of being ALONE.... inside

I am in a state of limbo today.

I felt it all day...

This morning I felt deep grief for the loss of T. .... its the connection I miss... the tangible feeling of being gotten when no one on the planet seems to really understand me..

The feeling I felt when I met him was a glimpse into something I had only imagined.... and since... every time I try and get over him... I struggle with the loss of that feeling.

Throughout this journey I have continually asked myself "if he's your mirror... if they are all your mirror than what are you missing?"

Time and time i come back to me. That I must somehow not be available... if that's what I am getting back from the universe.

Its weird, in the past two weeks I have met 4 men who just think I'm amazing.

one told me that I was incredibly special  and that I could never just be with anyone... that I had to find a man who was as special as me.. and to never change

one told me that I was a love sprinkler and saw the depths of my love and appreciated it

one danced with me and told me he just felt like he wanted to shower love down on me

and the last told me that he had never had someone cut into his soul so clearly and so quick and that I ws dangerous because of how attracted he was to me.... and thanked me for our conversation.

three of them are in long term comitted reltionships, 2 of those are married. and the fourth dissapeared without getting my number.

So then I ask myself why?

why do these men that seem to get me.. that seem to think I deserve the world and all it has to offer not be available to me?

When I woke up today I was so sad about T and I wrote him a quick messge asking him if he would be willing to hang out and have fun... so I could prove being around me doesn't always have to be intense and dramatic.

As I wrote it I didn't know if I believed it myself.

I don't know how to REALLY have fun.... and be light hearted... my life has seemed like a struggle my whole life... and I feel like I have been constantly on the look out for being misunderstood.... always trying to make sure that I don't appear TOO different than anyone else.

But slowly over the past two years I have become more and more myself outwardly, I share more and more about what I believe and what I know... and every time I expose more of myself the more committed I become to myself... and to staying myself.

It's weird... its partially that... but partially that I have just become more and more aware of myself and I have learned to like myself more and more and so I am standing up for myself and what I believe and what I want.... I becoming more of what I want to be...

What I learned from the last relationship is that I want my partner to understand me... and to not have to worry about him being insecure or have to explain things about what I know is sooo abstract.. I need to find someone who just gets me.. so we are on the same playing field.

and yet... I meet these men and they are unavailable. so I ask myself.. if they are all mirrors to me.. what am I projecting...

being in limbo today was weird.. I had things I had to do for school and I dauttled. I got it all done but I noticed myself trying to find anything to do but the thing that was MOST important. I knew it was.. but I didn't want to... so like me to not do what I don't want to.. and yet... if I want what I want.. I have to do it... I finally told myself that I wasn't allowed to do anything until I did that... and yet I still sat in the drive way for an hour once I got home from shopping...

its something I do all the time... its my hangup... its my self sabotage.. its my procrastination.

I got my assignment done and then I wanted to go out..I texted a few people and no one was around and I thought about going out by myself.. maybe meet a few interesting people like usual... but instead I convinced myself that I should probably just stay in.. that it had been a while since I had a day off where I was just alone with myself... and that I probably needed it.

I was antsy all night and then my friend J. called and I ran through all the things on my mind .. what I had been dealing with lately and she just said "sounds like you are in limbo" and ir resonated with me.

Since the conversation I have been watching so you think you can dance... everytime which inspires me to dance... inspires me to be me... and lately, reminds me that I love to swim, dance and ride my bike... eat healthy and sing.... it reminds me of my spirit... and every time I watch it it reminds me how much my day to day life doesn't include the things I love.

I neglect myself... I neglect what I need.. especially when there are assignments to be done.. and work to go to... and teachers to placate... I get so stressed that I forget about me.. occasionally I get back on track... go dancing or swimming... but it doesn't last very long....

I was laying here just now.. watching myself think about men... feeling sorry for myself that I still haven't found a man that adores me... watching myself be upset about school... worrying about things...

I watched as I thought about how I don't put my all into things.. and that I find it really hard to stretch myself... that I have been working really hard with extending my time... but that I don't like doing any extra work.. and when I have any down time I am usually watching TV... while I am avoiding... there's this feeling in my body... pressure in my chest and my stomach... fear...

and I just held my stomach and heart and brought the energy from my thoughts to that space...and felt that what I am missing.. what all my troubles seem to have in common is me... my love for me... my dedication to me... to doing the best I can at everything... for some reason it scares me... I feel like I just want to sit on the sidelines.. and never work too hard outwardly... it terrifies me for some reason...

I can sit here and imagine.. if I stopped distracting myself all I would have is me.... and there is still that last little piece of me that is scared to excel.. scared to stand out... scared to do everything I want... be everything I want...

right now I am wondering if its the fear of not being liked.. that when I was a kid anything that I was good at I would get criticized by someone.. and maybe that's what the fear is.. to be so great that I stand out.... and get criticized.. so I keep my passions and my interests locked up inside so that I can never hear the criticism...

maybe ultimately its a fear of criticism along with I just want to be lazy sometimes... I forget that its not work when you love it.. and I forget there are things that I love.... and should love doing... should make time for.... and that if I refocused my energy from thinking ourward.. to thinking inward... instead of navigating people and trying to sort out the men in my life... my feelings about my family... my life... if I were just to be right here.. with me... could I actually accomplish the things I really want?

I can't believe how scared I am... I know this feeling all to well.. its the anxiety I feel whenever I should do something... and don't want to... I distract myself from me.... with men, and drama, and drinking and tv and going out and work... I distract myself by making excuses about time... and experience... I know that it would take 15 minutes a day to start being able to play the guitar...but I don't do it.

I know that going swimming, or stretching, or dancing in my kitchen, yoga or going for a bike ride makes me feel good and yet I tell myself I am too tired... I know doing my homework three days early would make me feel less stressed.....I know doing some of the things I have wanted to do in other areas will make me feel more relieved.. and yet I don't... I stay away... scared to even go there..scared to explore those parts of me... its like I have blocked myself off from my love for me...

and so I ask myself.. what would it take for me to dedicate myself to doing the things I need to do for me... EVEN when I am stressed? even WHEN I have worked a 12 hour day? what would it take for me to stretch myself even further than I have.... back into myself.. where I put myself first, ahead of everything else.. EVEN SLEEP?

What would it take for me to stop wanting a man entirely... for anything? and completely embrace my aloneness?

I'm scared of my aloneness.. I am scared of having no distractions for me... I'm scared and I don't know why.

So that's where I am at tonight... just thought it would be helpful to write.

the last letter to T. where calmness took over.

I finally got the courage to share my blog today. It scares the shit out of me. I have had to use all the tactics I have accumulated over the years to curb the anxiety I had the secnd I posted it...

but I know its what I am meant to do in order to finally accept all of me.. to realize that I am me.. and this journey has been about learning how to be me at all costs.

I'm scared about what I have written and exposing the rawest parts of me... but then it is my legacy of being brave enough so others may find their humanity that drives me...

it was ultimately in running into a man that I have met a few times, and him sharing his own blog that had hints of my own that I finally got the courage to share... and I am so thankful I have met him.

I am scared that I have written things that will upset people.. I am scared that I have written about people that will not appreciate being part of the exposure of my life... but I hope that I have been able to hide the identity of those that would be hurt.

Rereading parts of my blog I see that I never completed what happened with T and I... there is only one letter about me learning how to embrace my sexuality that I removed for fear of exposing a couple men I love.... and so I will share our last interaction.

We did run into eachother... and when I got home from the bar.. this is the email I had received:

*****
I'm sorry the stars cannot align to make us work on any level. I have no idea why or how. My apologies please look within and find peace as I am constantly doing too.

******

it took me 2 days to respond... and this is my response.

*****

June 7, 2013

I'm really thankful you wrote.
I'm sorry too for everything. Its really been a crazy ride and seeing you...and not running away from you... being brave enough to come back and talk to you ...and accepting that I could share all I have with you... put my heart on the line and accept that the stars have a different plan.... changed me.
I feel like I had a conversation with myself with you as the sounding board over the past 8 months... but for some reason it was exactly what I needed... its weird and slightly uncomfortable to accept that you witnessed me practically lose my mind...I was telling myself that I was trying to get you to see your own humanity...that you could never be worse than me... by accepting me for who I really am..I wanted you to accept yourself....when I think what I was actually doing was learning to see and accept myself...and to be honest with myself about who I am...to truly love myself and believe in me.
Its so crazy to think that if only I had been able to sit back and be calm and patient... listened to you and what you needed...things would have been different.
I have been on this power surge since my mom died... almost like I'm frantically looking for the key to life... this past year everything sped up.. I couldn't wait for anything... so many things happened since last may.. and you just happened to show up when things really started to get overwhelming. When I met you I saw so much hope and felt grounded around you...I wanted that desperately back... but through not getting it... and having to survive the past year on my own I have built a tremendous capacity to trust the universe.
Seeing you changed me.
Ironically the first day you texted me and sent me those pictures saying 'dont forget my outside is just the shell to what's inside' was the first day of school...and Wednesday was the last. As of yesterday I'm in my final year...my 9th year of post secondary education...its like Im finally getting to the home stretch and I can finally breathe.
I was so scared to see you...mortified that I have really been the insane girl... embarrassed that I sent you all those letters and texts... I was scared you would hate me....but when I saw you... I believed that you weren't going to embarrass me.. and you weren't going to use anything against me... and hurt me with the knowledge you know about me. I knew that I had been right about you.... that you are one of the great ones... who can't be mean.
I couldn't help myself falling in love with you... and I remember telling myself that I had to try or I'd regret it...and try I did... slightly backwards and retarded.... lol... but I guess I'm just like that.
I've learned so much from the past year... I only wish I was this calm, accepting and clear when I met you..but then I had to meet you for that to happen...
Ah the irony of life.
If there is any way you can forgive me for putting you in such an awkward position... and find a place in your heart to allow us to laugh at the ridiculousness that has been me... it would be really nice to just hang out.
I know that's a huge request considering I just contributed 8 months of insanity to your life :(
God you know... I'm really really sorry for making your life any harder... I've been selfish. Incredibly selfish. I couldn't see past my own desires... my own loneliness... I couldn't see what you were begging me for... space.... I took it so personally ... its totally fucked.
I just couldn't see then what I see now...and I'm sorry for that...
I couldn't see that space is the most important thing. Acceptance and listening... being receptive to anything life throws at me and not resisting is the only way life works out....
I would like to get to know you. I don't know what that means.... but I liked your stories and I liked feeling like myself around you... and everything else aside... that's all I want.
Ill be honest ... if I were in your shoes... I would probably never want to talk to me again...so I know its a tall request...
Thanks for not making me feel bad.
Amanda

****

it's ironic. today being scared of sharing it was T that gave me the ultimate courage.... because there was nothing that would ultimately scare me the most than to have him reject me... and so I had to remind myself... that I have survived that... and that's what has made me free.

It was the moment I shared with him... where I owned my behaviour... that was the ultimate step in self acceptance.

His allowance of my craziness is what helped make me whole.. and that he came into my life to allow me to love deeply and instantly enough that I exposed myself fully, faced my fears and become who I am supposed to be .. and I will always be thankful for that.

I need to close that chapter so I can open my heart to another that can celebrate me.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.... the lessons are always there if we can embrace them.

Off to night shift.
A.

double lives - why I write this blog.

I just watched this TED talk
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

and it inspired me to write

To be honest the truth of our insecurities to show our real selves to society is why I started writing this blog in the first place.

It was because I could see that I was starting to sanitize what I said about myself...I was starting to worry about people knowing who I really was.... and so I vowed that I would remain authentic to myself by keeping a log of my life.. my struggles and my journey... so that I could never be 30/40/50 and say that I was stupid... it was so I could document that it was a JOURNEY.. and I knew what I knew at the time...

ironically it has allowed me to see my humanity... and allowed my level of compassion to grow...

what I have noticed is that most people play with their secret lives the way I have my own... but then they hide it from themselves. they force themselves to pretend they are what society expects them to be inside always feeling like something is missing. they are ashamed of the person they were... they can't own their choices.. it becomes a person outside of themselves.... we detach ourselves for fear of linking the parts of us society tells us are shameful.

My sexuality is perfect case in point. It is the worst thing, I as a woman can admit to.. its what men shame me for.. its what women shame me for.. and its what I have shamed myself for... but through this blog and my experiences I have come to accept it as part of me... and to have no judgement for something that comes naturally.

I have been told so many times that I am too open, I am too trusting, I am too vulnerable.. I share too much.. as though my free spirit must be reigned in...

the irony is that being me scares the shit out of me.. but it has beckoned me my whole life.. to never sell out.. to never pretend and to give the freedom to the people around me to either accept me for who I really am or not... the tough thing is that I get rejected a lot.

I am super intense... I do not waste time with people.. I do not waste time in my life...

I have been analyzing life for a very long time... and have felt like a foreigner trying to figure out how to behave in a country that doesn't suit me.. in a world that doesn't want me to be me.. and what I see is that everyone feels the same way.

we have lost our humanity... the comfort of reallizing that we are all the same... and that life is organic.

But I still exist in this world and it is why I'll sign this blog with my real name.. and then when I start feeling like what I post might soon resonate on a deeper level I go through and remove my name... because it scares the shit out of me for people to know who I really am...

the funny thing is.. all my friends know these stories.. in fact most people I meet know these stories... its the institutions I am scared of. Its the school I attend and the fear of being caught and not getting a job.. not having any money...

But I know the time will come when this blog will be the voice of so many on their own journey.. and I will have to stand up and own my life to people who will outwardly criticize. Ultimately I am beginning to understand that those that judge, judge themselves... and they are simply projecting their inability to accept all of who they are... that who I am and what I represent in this world is true authenticism... broken down and beat up... light and dark... imperfect authentic me.

I do not hide that I haven't figured it all out yet... that's what makes me human.. its the journey and trusting that the journey is leading you somewhere.

These past few years going through all that I have I have had to get deep inside myself to ask myself who I am and what I am willing to protect about me at all costs... and my connection, my relatability and love are things I will not compromise on.. and if I find myself in a position where I am forced to compromise then I must choose a different path.

Its scary leading the way of your own life.. in a society that separated humanism from business.... how can we possibly thrive if we are not to be compassionate to our fellow humans? and it is only through, recognizing and accepting our authentic lives.. and refusing to judge ourselves for playing by our own rules... not those dictated to us by societal 'norms'... because what I see is that societal 'norms' are the lives we hide from one another... and those that follow those rules are usually the ones suffering blindly on the inside.. so cut off from who they really are... because that's how you get by and become successful in business, you learn to manipulate others to get what you want...

I on the other hand remain optomistically myself.. with the hopes that it will all pan out for me one day and my authenticism will be what creates financial freedom in my life..... that it will be what beckons people to be themselves.

its lonely out here sometimes...

"if only we saw eachother's secrets what comfort we would find there." John Churton Collins

the voice inside your head

I am doing my first rotation of nights at the hosital and I am 2 hours into my day sleep and I woke up to this aweful dream where men/boys were being torured because I spoke up to this crazy man... the feeling of devestation inside me was palpable... just begging with him to stop... appologizing profusely... that whatever I believed in wasn't as important as their wellbeing...

These ast few weeks have taught me that... well its not that I didn't know... but its been more implanted in me now... that there are some people who have power and they see the world differently... and if there is no room for your interpretation in their world.. its best not to fight.. but to placate to them... because at the end of the day the truth will always remain the truth whether you believe it or not.

When I went into practice last night I had a letter waiting for me from one of the patients. She left last week and I had had the opportunity to be able to sit with her on a  few days and share my insight, allow her to question her own.. and subsequently help her to shift inside herself in whatever way she needed to.

and yet I wrote a short paper this weekend on how unprofessional I am. It is discusting that we live in a world where everyone is so scared about getting into trouble.. being sued... being misunderstood.. that life is resigned to a science.. where all interactions are deemed equal... in nursing its as though we are robots who are expected to treat everyone the same.. and yet all the literature points to the uniqueness of each individual...

sorry but if you are an ass hole to me.. if you have no room for me.. then I will not waste my breath on you... its just the way it is... and some people I meet will be ready to hear what I have to say.. and some will not... any form of real extra care and love can be misunderstood as sexual and because of that we are destined to fail eachother.

LOVE is essential. to EVERYTHING. and love comes from a unique connection to the inner self... to the earth. its organic and forces us to expand ourselves. In order to walk through any door of fear.. we must love ourselves enough to believe it will make us a better person.. we will survive...

the choice is always LOVE or FEAR.

I just came across this video and it has inspired a new thought

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

A

**** I feel I should finish with my thought about the voice inside my head.

I remember the fear of acknowledging my awarness of a voice inside my head. To acknowledge that I could witness a voice, or two, or three had me thinking I was pschizophrenic. It was an arduous process for me to come to terms with myself as the observer of my mind and not my mind itself.

Its been through this process and reading books on the ego and the spirit that has allowed me the courage to be aware of the voices... and recognize that they are the voices of love and of fear.

One is the voice that wants to protect myself and the other is the voice that is trying to figure out what I need to be whole...

through the process of self awareness I have come to see there is a place for both... and it is in using your brain.. not being the subject of your brain that has allowed me the opportunity to push myself past my comfort zone time and times again. the ego is a safety mechanism...to critically apraise a situation... but most of us are unaware of its use and so buy into the fears that it feeds us... all the concerns and worries about what could possibly go wrong...

It has been through conscious awareness of my own brain structure that I have come to see that when I am making a choice I ask myself.. is your decision based on love for yourself? or are you scared of doing it because you don't think you will be good/survive? If the choice is that I am scared... I choose to walk through that fear... and prove to myself that I am waaay bigger than I thought.. and waaay more capable.

I use the voice in my head to analyze the situation and figure out the scariest path is usually the one I am supposed to take...I use it as the tool its meant to be but at the same time I am easy on myself and I don't push myself too much, recognizing that if it gives me anxiety I am not ready for it.. and its time will come.

life is not as scary as it once was... and the more we open up to lifes experiences.. the more we will come to see what I have come to see that we are all the same. And life is beautiful.

It took me a long time to become self aware enough to not buy into the negativity that was my brain chatter... sometimes I still find it difficult because most of the time its so rationally safe... it takes a great deal of hyper vigilance to analyze a situation and make the right choice for me.. regardless of what society will think... regardless if I expose myself to being different... to following my spirit, my heart.. my destiny.

But I promised myself I would never sell out.
and that gives me the courage to continue to share.. until the day I have to stand up in front of people and share this blog and own that this is me. this is my life. and I am proud.

A

DREAM HUGE!!!! ....my bucket list

get the nobel peace prize
step foot in every country in the world
learn how to dance again - dance on stage
learn the guitar
have a strong body from doing the things I love - NOT from the gym
have and love a garden
sing with me playing the guitar
be deeply madly in love
have a baby. have two. have three.
have a camp - where kids have a place to go and learn and celebrate themselves. - maybe a school that encourages children to be themselves!
own a trampoline
kayak with killer whales
sail around the world
ride a horse at full speed in open land.
see the sun rise at the stone henge
touch every country in the world.
climb a mountain
dempster highway
swim with dolphins
see the wildabeast migration
see the caribou migration
see the pyramids
angel falls
buy all my clothes in the fair trade market
public speak about what I know.
change the system - contribute to changing the system
feel soul connected with a man
have sex in a waterfall
amazon rainforrest
own a potters wheel - make my own dishes
have my oown wood shop - make my own furniture
get a pHD - Dr. Jones
make beeswax candles every year
own a jeep - pink and rainbow
own a kayak
own a canoe
own a cabin in the rockies
own an eco tourism resort
become a master of yoga
learn a martial art that is only for self defense
write a book - have it published
have my own website
climb kilamanjaro
learn how to DJ
make lights - learn how to be an electrician
learn how to surf
go sky diving
space. - but I won't regret not doing this - jst would love to
learn tantra - practice it with my twin flame.
go camping by myself
do spoken word
own a restaurant - with all my favorite food in it / bar with all my favorite music
have a dance studio in my house with all the light in the world
get married
die with dignity
travel by car ground around the world.
visit a vineyard - learn abot wines
bartend in Ireland
learn a different message method in every country that it comes from
learn chinese medicine/acpuncture
learn naturopathic medicine
make inspiration pictures
learn osteopathy
learn aromatherapy
see a volcano
go storm chasing - seee a tornado
trvel through italy
own an old yellow bug convertable beetle with a chiquita sticker painted on it
go zip lining
learn to make money on the stock exchange
learn spanish
learn italian
learn from a medicine man
get that tattoo
raise a child the way I WANT
have a log house
have my blog inspire people to be themselves
have sex while fireworks are going off
have sex on a lighthouse
go to dharamsala
learn yoga in India
go volunteer in nepal
visit Dharamsala - see the Dalai Lama there
Do Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Thailand PROPERLY
the gibbon experience
scuba dive the great barrier reef/all the best places to scuba dive
ride a bike across Africa
own a tree house
own a trampoline
have a daughter and a son
design and build my own home
see the fireworks at the opera house in Australia
walk the great wall of china
watch the New years come in at the closest place to the date line
make mobiles for fun.. maybe light mobiles?
Tibet - see Tibet free
see a humpback whale - commune with?
giants causeway
guiness distillery
Vimy ridge
THE RED WOOD FOREST - the tallest tree in north America

night.