Being terrified to take responsibility

Here is the letter I just wrote T. While I was writing it I was sorting out feelings I have been having.. and then just at the end of the letter I felt like I couldn't send it... and the voice in my heart came through and I wrote at the end of the letter what it said.

*****

You are the man I fear most. How interesting. Every time I go anywhere downtown I am always terrified to see you. I have tried to figure out how I am going to act.. whether I am going to pretend I don't know you, or pretend that I am mad, or pretend that I am happy...introduce myself, or ignore you, and sometimes I think if I see you I will just leave.... but that's retarded... that these thoughts about the uncomfortability that awaits our meeting up circle through my head constantly.. and have all year.

I have sat with crazy sexist diplomats from Iraq and told them that they were rediculous for not valuing their daughters.. and you scare me more than that.

To realize how open and honest I have been with you over the past 8 months. To have essentially had a conversation with myself for 8 months... hoping I was assuming right about what you needed to hear, what I needed to say, what you were feeling.. trying to sort out my own feelings... with no feedback, no validation that I have been right... no recognition about whether my letters have helped you in any way...

I have days where I tell myself that I am and have been an idiot and I have asked myself why I have tortured myself over this whole thing when it could have ended 8 months ago.. but then I remind myself that every letter to you was a breakthrough in being vulnerable... every time I felt scared and uncomfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with you and did it anyways I conquered a part of me that thought I was unlovable because I think the way I do, or I behave the way I do.

This last letter was the worst... and now the anxiety around seeing you is the worst its ever been.

I don't know what posessed me to write that last letter... except my heart told me that being honest about those feelings I have been avoiding... and that it was important that I figure out what I was feeling... it truly has been in writing these letters that has given me the clarity I have needed to move forward...

I know being vulnerable with you has shown me that I want to be completely authentic with a partner.. but man it scares the fucking shit out of me.

Now you are a stranger who knows the deepest parts of me... as though I gave you my diary to read...

I know we are going to run into eachother at one point... if I act weird its just cause I have said so much in 8 months... I feel rejected and vulnerable and still love you.... which is a confusing place for strangers.

I hope that we can both find the maturity to accept what we both have done... that I have been relentless in not letting go.. and being vulnerable.. and subsequently have made you feel incredibly uncomfortable and confused... and you have kept me completely in the dark on how any of this has landed and what has been going on for you... which makes me feel uncomfortable and confused..... but the truth is we have met. we DO know eachother intimately.

It would be really nice if we could just be like old friends meeting.... friends with love and history... I guess ultimately just because it never worked out between us. I don't want there to be any resentment... which I suppose its me that's struggling with.

I guess maybe I know this had to happen this way.. but I resent the fact that you won't talk to me. and I resent the fact that you have never made me feel better about the choices I made.

A. - you cannot control this situation. T. is going to feel however he is going to feel... and you are going to feel how you are going to feel and you can't orchestrate it. You just said that you wished he would make you feel better about your choices..it is NOT his responsibility to make you feel better. You made the choice.. you accepted the consequences. You cannot put that on him.

When you see him.. behave the way you behave with everyone.. smile and say hi. It'll be ok.

******

good letter. Just reread it. Don'tknow if I should send it. Feel torn. I think maybe just let it go... and allow anything to happen and not try to plan it. or figure it out. stop managing yourself. its ok to be nervous.. its ok to be hurt.. its ok to be thankful and uncomfortable and confused. LOVE. its every emotion all wrapped up into one. accepting every emotion is full self acceptance. let it happen.
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Do not follow the path that others lead, but rather go where there is no path, and leave a trail.

Two roads diverged in a wood... and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost