Deep gratitude

I have this deep sense of calm right now. A deep formidable gratitude for all that is...
This winter... this past 8 months... this past year has been by far the most difficult I have ever faced. Yes, I have faced many obstacles in my life, but never the pressure cooker that I have found myself in over the past year.

This year has been trully a dive into myself, into the deepest parts of me, with only my determination to come out on the otherside a better person.

I have come to see that life is a process... one of countless cause and effect. I have, like all people I know been self critical throughout the years... basing my interpretation of myself on the opinions of others. I can see that most of the people that I have needed to seek approval from are those I have most sought after for guidance and for support.

This past year has shown me the depth of independence I contain, and that I am a different person than I once thought.

I believe now that we do not have the capabilities of really understanding ourselves, or the world we live in until we can be present with ourselves and spend time investigating who we are and what we want in life.

It has been, and continues to be, an interesting process of self evaluation and unlearning. I can see that the freedom I have obtained has been through believing in myself above all others. In recognizing the inner voice whose sole role is to guide me to who I am supposed to be.

I can see that much of my behaviour over the years, although judged by me and judged by others was infact exactly what my path was supposed to be and has afforded me the opportunity to understand myself in ways that had I not behaved in such a way.. I would still be confused about who I really am and what I want.

This entire experience with T. has been incredibly challenging, but I am in deep gratitude for what I have learned about myself in the process, and my experience with him has exposed the importance of the process. Of believing in my heart enough to stretch myown capacities, way beyond my comfort zone, thus leading to a deep understanding of myself.

I honestly do not believe I will ever feel the same way about another man, because he has been on the other side of this journey... that he knows the very depths of me now... more than any other man... and I have to let go of being able to explain this journey to anyone else.

I have no idea how he feels... but inside I feel that he feels it too. I have made a pact with myself to allow the process in letting go, allowing myself to live the life I have before me and accept that the time has yet to come where we can share our physical space.

I have no idea if we will eventually become lovers... or friends... but I know that we have shared something deeply profound and at one point in our lives we will be at a point where we can talk about it.

To be witness to my own development, to my healing... I can see that I cannot rush him.. that he must come to the same place of forgiveness and gratitude, and only then will we trully be able to be authentic with eachother.

Life is a process. We cannot rush our growth, and although we judge our lives and the events of our lives, it is through these experiences that we get to know ourselves.

I have come to a place where I know that my life is divinely executed.

I would have never written my story the way it has happened, but I am so very grateful for not having had the opportunity.

I could never have even imagined that I would ever feel this free, this relaxed about my life, the events of my life and myself.

I was trying to remember this evening what it used to feel  like inside me and what I feel like now. Although its difficult to return to that place I feel it was a sense of desperation, of not understanding... of wanting to believe it all happened as it should, but feeling as though I was unloved and unappreciated.

It has only been through surviving, getting to know myself and isolating myself to learn what I really want and believe in, that I have come to see that it was always my interpretation, my misunderstanding of love, that I couldn't grasp.

Love permeates everything. It lays dormant under the snow... and it is spring, the melting of the cold exterior that we are able to see the beauty.

I can see now that I have always been acutely aware that love exists.... and as a result the actions of the ones I love, when it is not in allignment with love, have not only confused me, but challenged my own interpretation of love...as though perhaps I am wrong.

What I see now is that my love trully is unconditional and unjudgmental... that I have been right all along, and persevering through other people's crap has finally afforded me the opportunity to be present to a shift in how others relate to me.

It has been my perseverance and my determination to walk in the space of love that has afforded me this chance... and how grateful I am for the opportunity.

For the first time in my life I am not seeking a partner to complete me. I enjoy the company of men, but their attention, their desire to be part of my life no longer dictates how I feel about myself.

The space in my heart that felt as though no one would ever love me no longer exists... because I finally love myself.

There are still areas of my life that I need to work on, but it is the love I have of myself, finally, that has me inspired to fulfill the dreams I have around my body, my mind and my spirit.

For the first time in my life I can see my outer person, reflecting the vibrant, confident woman I have become.

I do hope that one day I will have a man that wants to share my experience of llife with me... but I am ok if that doesn't happen... spreading my love throughout my circle of friends sounds just as wonderful, and my acceptance of my sexuality allows me the confidence to know, I will always find a man to love.. even if only for a night.

*****
I am so thank ful for the spring. I can feel the excitement in my heart about what this next season will offer me. The growth and the love.

Winters like the one we just had really allow for the little things to be gifts. The sound of frogs chirping, the feeling of a wind that doesn't chill me to my bones, the sounds of birds and the length of the days. It is the simplest things found in nature that I am most greateful for.. and I feel that it is trully to her that I am responsible to. She is the only being that can handle me... I was created from her... and thus must be loved by her as well. In deep gratitude for life. and for learning how to enjoy patience.. how to enjoy process.. how to enjoy life.

Namaste.