ALLOW...be sexual. be loving. be you.

It's so weird....

I feel this clarity right now around men... around the ones I love... I don't know if I am right but it seems like it fits.

women are taught to be sensitive and subordinate... Men are taught to look strong no matter how they feel... So you have strong women who haven't figured out their emotions yet and so show them and men who never deal with their emotions and appear like they do.

I realized this week that in order for men to become whole they have to allow their emotions... and women need to embrace their sexuality.

I realized that I love one night stands because the sex isn't caught up in any emotion.. its just raw, free and fun... that the second their are feelings around losing the person self consciouness settles in which is totally equated in the bedroom.

I remember times where I was scared that a guy would think less of me if I slpt with him in the first date. In fact the two men that I waited for were the two men I ended up dating.

If only guys didn't judge women for wanting sex as much as they do.

Its like guys go for the "housewife" who is innocent and "perfect" when what they really want is the girl who would fuck them in a bathroom for fun... imagine that was your wife!

Its just weird its like we have it all fucked up in our heads... we set ourselves up for failure....

I can see that I was a different person in the bedroom in both of my relationships... and I can see as soon as I didn't care what C. thought and we started sleeping together for the next 4 years its was SOOOOOO much fun. We would watch movies, have sex a bunch of times and then say good bye and go on with our lives. But after we would both feel guilty.. I know I convinced myself that I was a slut or some version of hating myself for not allowing him to use me... and he, I'm sure, convinced himself that he was just using me and hurting me.... and then we'd do it again.... without ACTUALLY realizing that it conforted us, it made us happy .. and yes when we said god bye it sucked.. but we wouldn't change what happened.

Its like we convince ourselves of weird excuses in order to justify the behaviour that we naturally do with what we think is "right". It's stupid.

I have also realized that the people who hurt you the most REALLY are the ones that LOVE you the most. they have n conceivable idea of what real love ACTUALLY looks like... their templateis all fucked.... so you are the only thing that can right the template.

I saw it last week with my family. As though nothing had ever happened.... they were so loving and kind, and generous... they gave me eggs and a couple chickens they raised. It was so kind.. and I could tell it was making up for the past... in what ever small way they could.

That I have been showing them what real love is.

I have realized that I have played this game of life rather stealthily without even realizing it. When I am hurt I appologize or avoid... I never retaliate and I never hurt back in any way... I want to fix the problem. Fixing it is better than hurting the other person.

So with my family everytime they hurt me I just stop calling... thinking well if they want me in their life... they will call... I take it personally and think that they don't love me.. and then convince myself that they do and try again. Unbenonced to me I really was right. They do love me...... they are just scared of themselves... they are just scared of LIFE!

I am a complete juxtaposition for everyone... I have lived a beautiful life inside very little means... I have stayed true to my heart and I am sexual... I have been poor and travelled the world... I have made life work for me.... and I am still happy.... I am everything people want to be.... but to be that they would have to face their fears... so its WAAAAY better to just keep me away and keep the posibilities at a distance.

Everyone convinces themselves that they have to grow up... in fact adults even make you feel bad for not being more responsible.. when you are having the time of your life..

The world convinced me that who I was was somehow irresponsible... and yet my life is the result of being completely responsible to my heart...and look how I turned out!

Not a soul in the world is my enemy. In fact I would hazzard that no one could say a bad thing about me. ... yes I talk too much, and I talk about men too much, I get sad a lot and can be annoying.... but i doubt that there is a person who could say I was ever mean to them.

So then maybe being sexual is the best thing that ever happened to me?

Maybe wanting to embody the sexuality of men is what kept me sane?

I realized that in my weakest moments I sought out the one thing in the universe designed SPECIFICALLY for pleasure... that all these years I thought that there was something wrong with me that I did that... and now I am seeing that it kept me sane. It allowed me to stay open to people.. it allowed me to realize that humans are all great... it allowed me the opportunity to see men, alot of men, from the other side.... I got to see their insecurities right away.

Most of the men I have slept with have told me secrets they never have told anyone.... it was a privelede to share their bed. And yes, sometimes I was sad to see them go... and sometimes, when I was really hating on myself I would resent them or reduce them to no big deal.....

but right now, looking back... wach one of them changed me in some way. Each one of them showed me how broken and scared they were... and how much they just wanted to be loved.

Its amazing how we all keep love at bay.... criticizing ourselves for just being ourselves... using a template we were taught as kids to measure our worth, our morality, our desires.... supressing ourselves and blaming others.... when all we have to do is be free. Allow ourselves to be ok with who we are...

look back on our lives and really believe we did the best things for ourselves with what we know... recognize that we were WRONG. .. and I believe changing behaviour.. to be honest is becoming more like me.

ALLOW life. Be sexual. Be loving. Be you.