Allowing

I have been feeling in the very depths of me for quite sometime that what I am not good at is allowing. I would have, a week ago, said receptivity... but I came across this youtube video that explained it all to me in a way that I could finally digest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKtSVSedii0&list=WLC7B27B4B9B8210DB

It's good to feel good.

listen to it.

Through the various things in my life over the past month I have come to peace with so many things. And I can finally see that if you take away all the faces of the people I have known... there are 6 billion people and THESE are the ones I got... so they were/ are there to teach me the lessons I needed to get to get to here.... so really they are just living their own lives... and here I am bumping into them.. wishing that they would change... wishing that they would be different... but they can't help where they are at on their own journey.. and that I have to stop being mad at people for not being the people I wish they were... and stop being myself for being mad at myself for loving them regardless of their behaviour.

and that ladies and gentlemen is the key to existance.... taking back your power....

I realized that I use men to fulfill a space in me.. and it doesn't matter if they enjoy it.. I use them to feel good.. and its ok, there is nothing wrong with it....so long as I can recognize that I do that... and therefore be responsible for when it is an even exchange of goodness.

I gave my happiness to T., to allthe men in my life and said "if y ou don't change I will be sad for my whole life." How daunting a declaration like that is... to see that's what I have done my whole life... declaring that I will only be happy if people treat me the way I deserve.. instead of saying "i'm going to treat myself with love.... and be happy.. no matter what you do!"

I will always love T. and I will always love every man I have ever shared a bed with... just because they shared my space and I am in gratitude for that.... that I can love... but that my life's happiness, and my dreams are no longer tied up in anyone else' life.

In the past few weeks I have also started to really come to terms with my sexuality.

To be honest its the scariest things for me to look at... to be honest about... I don't really talk about what goes on in the bedroom with anyone.... I used to type it here to keep me honest... but I, as I got older stopped, deleted posts.. and got scared of the world finding out who I really am...

but over the past three weeks I have been talking to this guy I know and we have been sharing all our sexual fantasies.. and I can't even tell you what has been coming up for me. 

I orgasm every time just talking to this guy....

****

I met a woman at the farmers market a few weeks ago that asked me if I was a taurus.I said "no, another strong sign" and she said.. well there are alot, "scorpio..."

ya that's me.

"oh you know that scorpio is the most sexual sign?"

"yes, I know."

"and she is ruled by her orgasm"

"ya, I get that... and yet that's where I have to most trouble... letting myself orgasm."

"well when you learn to harness your orgasm.. you will truly have come into yourself."
******

an interesting conversation with a stranger...she told me I should bring my chart to her the following week so she could read it... I'm waiting on the results.

Since that conversation I have been thinking about it... how difficult it is for me to orgasm... how difficult it is for me to be honest with anyone about my seex life... even myself... as though I hide myself from myself and how much I enjoy what I have done....

and how having multiple partners has taught me how to be an amazing lover...

I think that one of our biggest problems as a society is our uncomfortability around sex. People are miserable in their relationships and don't leave because they feel like they are bad people... yet they are miserable... again saying that their happiness is completely reliant on that one person as opposed to saying... I'm going to go find someone who makes me happier.

This weekend I finally realized what I want. I want it all.

I want a man who loves and adores me, but wants to have crazy passionate sex.... who would pretend with me at a bar that we don't know eachother so that I can pick him up...who wants me so badly cant wait til we get home so wants to fuck me in the bathroom.

I want to have a threesome and not feel uncomfortable... I want to be fucked and not feel used. I want to be dominated and then cuddled after and told that I'm loved.... I want us to fulfill all our fantasies without any judgment... and know that we love eachother to always make the other person feel safe and secure and cared about while fulfilling those fantasies.

The nice thing about one night stands is you lose all inhibition.. most of the time I was drunk... and it was exciting.... its fun to rip someone's clothes off, just cause you can.... and explore someone new's body.... and not give a shit about what they think.. what they are going to think...

and I want that in a relationship.... the catch? I want a best friend who wants to have crazy passionate sex with me... while not having any of our life decisions revolve around eachother....

and that is probably the hardest thing in the world to do... completely detached love.

I honestly don't even know if I could handle it... because I am so used to thinking that my partner would only sleep with me... and we would live close... but if there is one thing I know its that my life takes me to so many places.. and if I am to live the life I was born to live... I can't just stop following my heart because its inconvenient for a relationship.. but then I don't think I should be without partnership just because I may leave.... I just want a relationship that is completely free and authentic and both me and him know that we are safe with eachother.... and recognize that we love eachother... even if that doesn't mean spending our entire llives together.

this realization about how I want a dirty sex life along with love has me being so clear about what I want.... and I am feeling deeply available to the universe to give me what ever it thinks I need to get there.

Right now I am feeling no need to chase or get a man... because if he fits those parameters he's going to want me the second he meets me... and hes going to be enlightened enough to want the same thing as me.. and anything less is just bullshit.

And I can orgasm when I want now. :) the trick... let yourself make sound!!!!!!!!!!