I have come to know myself on a very deep level this year.
My capacity for forgiveness, love and appreciation has been tested in so many ways. I believe that without my capacities, I would surely hve become bitter and resented the world this year had I not been through everything else in my life that have taught me how to think and analyze things in order to make sense of them.. instead of just being upset with the circumstances.
My love has been tested... who I am has been tested.. and as a result I have come to accept who I am... and understand that there are things that I am working on.. and there are parts of me that I still feel need work on...but that they can wait... baby steps. too much.. too soon will make anyone feel inadequate... and I am only human.
The most amazing realization this year.. this moment.. is my capacity to love. Love really is never ending. When it comes from truth... when it comes from compassion it NEVER ends. I thought for sure by now someone would have done something to me that was unforgiveable... but really? trully? I know you don't see what I see.. I know you are hurting and your behaviour only results from your trying to protect your heart from the hurt...that your behavious has nothing to do with me... or my ability to love.
I simply am love. I love unconditionally.... I will never stop loving you.
I my dissapear out of your life... you may convince yourself that I am not there... but know.. I will always be here.. if ever you just need someone to say I love you.
Just remember. I do. I am the whispers in the night that tell you you are perfect. I am the person who has seen your life.... your inner nightmares. I know that you hate yourself... because life didn't live up to your expectations... the people didn't turn out the way you expected... money, your job, your house, you family don't meet your expectations... I know that you are hiding in there afraid of the world....
But I will tell you.. that you are all loved. I do not need anything in return... just that you let me love you.... believe in me.. believe that I actually have the capacity to forgive everything. I am simply love.
Love is not based on whether you have comitted an atrocious act or whether you have always done what you were told...
sometimes they are the sae thing.... you are always thinking about what you "should" do... based on all the things you have been told your whole lives. the way you think you "should" behave.... you function from should... how should I talk to this person to protect myself? how "should" I treat this person if I were to behave? I "should" I act if I want to get the promotion? how "should" I act if I want to get the money? How "should" I act if I want to get the girl/boy man/woman? How "should" I act if I want to live a long life? How "should" I behave if I want to protect my family? How "should" I act if I feel guilty? How "should" I act if I am angry? How "should" I act if I am sad? How "should" I act if I am scared?
How do I make this pain go away? How do I stop feeling?
Wanting to stop feeling an emotion.. is stopping life from existing... the more you push away your emotions.. the more you hurt the people around you because you have distanced yourself from them.. you have made it so no one can hurt you... so you cut yourself off from them... you cannot see the good, you cannot see the bad... all you see is that you won't let them in... because they could... maybe/someday.. one day hurt you... better to not love them then to get hurt!
But what if you did love them.. even though you got hurt?
What if you could see that they are hurting too.. they have pushed themselves away from people too.. and so they are hurting others.
The degree to which you hurt people is the degree to which you have pushed your feelings away... denied that you were hurt... denied that you were scared... denied that you felt unloved... denied that you felt lost... denied that you were devestated... denied that you felt unappreciated.. denied that you felt cared for... denied that you felt abandoned.... denied that you felt dissapointed... denied that you felt betrayed... denied that you felt unseen.. denied that you were physically abused... denied that you were emotionally abused.... denied that you felt spiritually abused....
you have pushed away feeling these aweful feelings.. and by doing that you hurt other people.. and you pretend you don't care.
the ironic capacity of the universe is... as you allow yourself to feel those emotions.. recognizing they DID happen to you.. you CAN feel... and you DO care.... you care about yourself.... enough to let yourself feel your entire experience of life.... and look at what that made you do..... you can FINALLY see the humanity in it all.
We are all the same thing.. we all feel the same way... FEELINGS are the ONE thing we have in common.. because feelings are energy... we cannot get rid of feelings.... just pretend we don't have them....
I know your life looks shitty now... but the reason you have stuffed your feelings down... the reason why you have denied yourself... is so you could come to this day... and finally see how much you are hurting YOURSELF by pushing your feelings away.... you are embarrassed that you have caused so much pain... but allowing yourself to feel the embarrassment.. you realize you don't have to be this way anymore...
By feeling regret.. and knowing that you didn't mean to do it.. you really just DIDN"T KNOW ANY BETTER... you didn't know that you were even capable of hurting someone that much... you denied yourself your own feelings.. and then forgot that other people actually don't push their emotions away.. they let them in.. and it hurts.... you can realize that you don't want to cause any more suffering in the world... you don't want to cause any more suffering in you...
causing yourself to suffer is inflicting suffering on the world....
love yourself and you can love the world... because I promise you think you are way worse than you are...
I see that.. I know that... I know that if you are lieing on a hospital bed.... if I don't know your past.... all I see is a beautiful human being in pain... and all I want to do is make you feel better... all I can do is love you.. and do whatever I can for you... I love you just because you exist and I get to share space with you...
you are not as bad as you imagine..... simply because you are worried that you are that bad... means that you have a moral compass...
when you are not alligned with your moral compass.. you behave in ways that hurt others... you hate that you hurt others... don't want to look at it... push the feeling away.. so you keep doing it... if you let yourself feel the dissapointment you have in yourself... then you will see that you don't want to feel that way again.... and so you change.
When you let your feelings in... you are forced to see the parts of you that aren't very nice.... you see.. and you want to change... and so you do.
The more you feel.. the more you forgive yourself.. the more you forgive the people around you.. the more you realize that you love.....the more you realize how deep love can go.
You will make it... you will figure it out... and its not because you are coniving.. its because you love.
People will help you and take care of you if you are a loving human being... people are drawn to nice people... people will want to help you out when you are falling... because you are good....
some people can see the good...
you will never be alone.... so stop trying to protect yourself from the pain of emotions. They are there to simply teach you... that you feel, that you want to love.... and that you need to love to no longer be scared of the pain.
All the events in your life that have caused you the emotions you don't want to feel was because you LOVED. you CARED... which means you are GOOD. don't punish yourself for someone hurting YOU.... love yourself enough to tell yourself you gave it your best shot...
you did what you could to show the other person love.. and they couldn't see it.. and its NOT YOUR FAULT....
we are all lost in a stage of not loving ourselves... not wanting to get hurt again makes us not feel... how can we know you love us when we will never let you in to try?
I have already decided that you are going to one day hurt me... so I am never going to know if you won't.... I won't stick around to find out. I don't know how you feel about me not wanting you around.. because I can't let myself feel how aweful that would make me feel... so I pretend that you are crazy.. because that would make it easier than to acknowledge that you actually love me... and what I have convinced myself is WRONG..
I have convinced myself my whole life that you don't love me.. that people who say they love me... don't actually love me.. because they leave.. they do horrible things.. and they hurt me... I don't believe you love me... because if you did.... how could you ever be so mean... what I didn't see was that youcan't let me show you because before I even existed you thought I would hurt you... you tried to let me in... but the second I threaten you in any way you want me to get as far away from you as humanly possible... you will say venemous things to me to keep me away too.
You will hurt me as much as you can to make sure that I never come back.. that I can never break your heart.... but I am still here.. I haven't left.. and you are still breaking my heart because you won't let me love you.. you won't trust me.
Please... let me be me. love me for me. I will never hurt you. I will never leave you. I will love you forever more... no matter what you do to me... just please don't make me have to prove it. It hurts to be tested... I will pass all your tests... but it hurts to be tested.
i hurt.. because you don't trust me... because you test my love.... because you don't think i ACTUALLY love you... you don't think I will ACTUALLY stick around... you don't think I will ACTUALLY not hurt you.. but I won't. I can't. It's not in my make up.
If I hurt you its from good intentions.. THAT I can promise.. I know how I think and I know how I act.. and if I am being mean.. its because I am calling you out on the way you make me feel.. I am telling you that you can hurt me... I know you don't want to believe it.. because you can't see that you have pushed away your emotions so much that you push me away and I feel like you don't care.. that you don't love me... but despite how aweful that feeling is... I know that I love you.. that's all I know... and I will never let go of that.
I love you for all your good parts... I just wish you would stop feeding the bad ones.
A
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