if you have nothing else to give... you still have LOVE

The most incredible feeling just came upon me.. the sheer elatedness of having a friend tell you the one thing you have been waiting years to maybe... just maybe hear....

I had no idea if my love had the ability to transform a person.... I have been loving my whole life.. and rarely have I had anyone love me as much as I do them...

I have a friend. Her name is J.... and honestly she was my biggest critic... but she was so much like me.. that for some reason deep down inside I thought that if she learned to love me.. she would leaern to love herself... so I just loved her... loved her through everything.. and how could I not? I could see myself in her.. I could see how much we hurt ourselves when we don't love ourselves....

I loves her through 2 divorces.. I call them divorces because she left me life on 2 occasions.... the first time for a year.... she just hated me that much... but in the end she came to realize that what I was doing and saying really was me just telling her what was going on... and trying to show her that i still love her.

She has opened up so much its incredible. She's not so scared any more to be herself.. and just embrace who she is... its so exciting to watch.. and as she learns to love herself.. I am learning that my love really can transform a person. transform the world.

Our relationship has been so difficult because she is so critical of me... of so much of what she is.... but she just couldn't see it... but I would tell her the kinds of things she would do.. and she hated me for it... but everytime she came to terms with something... she realized that EVEN though she was like that... I STILL LOVED HER... so it wasn't about changing so much.. but learning to love herself... and be softer with herself.... and figure out.. what she loved and what she didn't.

I love that girl with everything I have.. and this is our conversation today.

March 8, 2013 12:01 pm
J - People are fucked. Maybebeing enlightened is going to cause more problems than not.

J- You want to talk retarded people taking you the wrong way? People are complaining to char that I'm too involved in the drum circles and who do I think I am posting on Facebook about the jams

Me - lol

12:05

Me - lol. oh just laugh. Don't even fight it.

12:09pm

Me- they are retarded. Call me when you are home. And welcome to my life! Lol.... you'll get criticisms the rest of it. You are just confronting them on their shallowness.

J - It's fine

3:38 pm

Me - picture of Ghandi with the quote: First they ignore you, then they redicule you, then they fight you, then you win.

J- Awe thanks

Me- :) you home? Want to talk?

J - I'm leaving soon

Me- for what?

J- from work

Me - Lol. Its still early! Lol. I'm not used to these 6am mornings lol.

4:11pm

J - lol

4:37

Thanks for being supportive I'm over it

4:51

Me - :) I love you !!!!!!

J - thanks babe. I'm grateful for you

4:55

J - How odd that only through the pain I've inflicted on you I can see how hard it is for me to be loved. And the love I show others is not always what I think it is. I am sorry for that.


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????????

I picked up the phone right away and told her that was the greatest gift she could ever tell me.

I told her that that's what I was hoping this whole time.. that she would learn to let love in.. to love herself.. and let me love her... that its way easier to love someone that lets you :)

I told her that the feeling I was feeling was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt in my life... the gift of giving her herself.. is the most incredible thing.

I realize that my love is so deep.. so ever lasting.. and in the end.. if I am stripped from everything.. if I have nothing left to give I will always have my love to give.. to say thank you.

Love is the greatest offering of gratitude.

That I have just loved through everything. -- and through it I can make someone see what love is supposed to look like.

------

So the most interesting thing that came out of this experience was thinking about T.. I realize that I am right. He is the one... but if I can see it for what it really is.. I can see that unless he loves me as much as I love him.. he'll leave.. he will run... and so I have to get him to prove himself to me...

he has to know how much he really loves me..

I thought about a strategy.. and then I realized.. what worked was fallowing my heart... that when I am following my heart I will always stand up for myself and be willing to let go of something that isn't perfect.

That I will find my perfect match.. because I really won't accept any less... its just who I am..

So this is the best, most amazing feeling ever... I'm going out.. I just wanted to share :)

In the end... so long as I have my integrity and my love still in tact... I have something to gift.. in fact I have the best gift in the world.. what everyone craves but doesn't know how to accept.... LOVE.


A.