something shifted

So, I'm not sure what has changed or why... but I found that in the past 24 hours I have shifted into wanting, being ok with being alone.

T stopped responding to my texts. I found myself tip toeing around him again and it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

JM came to visit me, and while he was here I didn't text T. During his visit, he was lovely but the sex wasn't comfortable for me. The first night all I could think of was that I wished it was T...which validated my feelings completely. The second night I found myself not orgasming, but close enough that emotions I was uncomfortable looking at bubbled to the surface.

I realized that I really want intimacy, that sex isn't fulfilling to me unless there is emotion and care behind it... and I need to feel safe and secure in order to be comfortable really enjoying myself.

and I saw how I cover up my feelings when I am with a man that cant offer me that.

and the third night the sex actually made me feel uncomfortable. I had been drawn to rough sex, controlling sex for a lot of my 20s. Thats the kind of sex I had with my ex C. especially after we broke up... I thought I wanted it... but during it I found myself losing myself in not caring. and after I felt wrong.

I felt as though he didn't care. I asked myself why this was going on for me and my answer was to see how I fall back into that pattern when I start treating myself the way I have been treated by others.

I saw that because T. had stopped responding again that I was feeling unloved and so I resorted to be trusty addiction of sex to cover up how I was feeling. I saw how easily I treat myself like a play thing, and subsequently how I get so dissapointed in men that I treat them the same way, not giving a shit.

After, we talked a little, and JM said something that was interesting... I said I felt like he didn't care and he said "this is me not caring?" it was a fair question... he had taken me to the movies, driven all the way up here and watched a couple of movies and cuddled with me.... so I had to sit with how I felt

after he left I texted T to see if he would be willing to spontaneously come over. no response

I ended up realizing that I am really scared to tell people the insight that I have into who they are and why they act the way they do.... but I looked at it and realized that if I am right, its my gift... I just rarely tell people what I see because I figure they can figure it out... but then it occured to me that its important, and maybe I have insight they don't have.

It occured to me that JM's fantasies that made me feel uncomfortable were maybe a result of wanting to control love. And as I was texting him that.... it occured to me that T. also is trying to control love in a different way... and really we all are. We are all trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt that we try and protect ourselves from love.... and the only way we know how to do that is through control.

The crazy thing about love is it can't be controlled. It comes and it goes.... and if we are to enjoy it we have to accept that it will leave, and be thankful for what it gave us.... be thankful for what that person gave us. ultimately its coming to peace with death.... but before that, its coming to terms with the end of things, with the loss of things.

So.... I ended up writing T a letter. It was all of my interpretation of what has gone on. I realized that I have to honour myself in knowing what I know.... and I felt like it would be great to share it with T, because I have been functioning on the premise that I am right about him.... but I really don't know... and maybe he doesn't even know... so if I shared theletter, maybe he would gain the insight he needs... and I would have confirmation that I DO know him as well as I think.... and that would also prove to him that I know him.

I think him responding and sharing that things weren't going very well for him gave me the proof I needed that he does trust me... and in what ever capacity he can, he loves me. If he didn't like me he would never have responded and he certainly wouldn't have shared so intimately.

So.... the letter came from the validation that how I felt was real.... that he felt it too... but that something happened to make him run away.

The next day I texted him to tell him about the letter and how scared  I was to share it with him, but felt like it may help to bring clarity and that maybe he could come over and I could share it. nothing

By the evening I felt like he needed a kick in the ass, like he had asked, and told him to find his balls and stop being so scared of life and be spontaneous and come over. NOTHING.

Last night I found myself feeling pretty upset that I had waited 3 months.... that T was finally willing to try to come back in mylife.... I supported him when he needed me.... and then I was relegated back to the corners of his life.... that he couldn't even respond pissed me off more than hurt.

I found myself realizing that I feel like I deserve more and that it makes me feel uncomfortable to want more, because its acknowledging that all that someone can give me isn't enough.... and I feel bad as though I am judging them. But I have to realize that I am as special and as wonderful as I am... and I really need to respect that.... and so I texted JM that I think we should stop what we were doing... that I didn't feel cared for during sex and that I should respect him enough to tell him its not working for me before he gets too attached.

I just feel like he is at a totally different space in his life. He doesn't believe in what I believe in, so there is no hope for a relationship, and if its just for sex... and I'm not feeling good about it... then there is no point.

I'll be honest, I have never been in that position before... having to respect that I knew first and to not drag it out. I also felt weird deciding that I wanted to give up sex.... for nothing.

but after I felt relieved.

Which lead me into how I ultimately feel about T.

this is the succession of texts I sent... and the evolution of my emotions.
***********
Jan 19. 9:49am

I had a moment of real clarity last night and realized that you and I both dont know if we are on the same page...If we are running at the same frequency....And I have spent three months analyzing you and myself trying to understant everything.

I realized I'm scared to share wh I have figured out about you...And so I found the courage to write you a letter with my interpretation of whats happened....And maybe whats going on with you now.

It occured to me that you may not even know and maybe I could offer insight. and help.

I know if I dont tell you now, I'll fold it up and keep it because it scares me so much to share my thoughts.

So I'm just going to tell you I have this letter. If you want to hear an objective opinion of you...

If I'm right it will offer you insight into things you may not have considered and if I'm wrong I really dont understand you and we really are on different frequencies.

Me wanting to see you has no hidden agenda. I just want to make peace and see if we can get along as friends.

I know I'm like this little tornado in your life where things feel like they are falling a part and that seeing me may feel unbearable when you are attempting to figure out everything else in your life....that you don't need me to add to everything but I think I can help if you let me.

I'm not going to mention this letter again. Its my gift if you'll let yoursel be vulnerable.... and let me be vulnerable...If you can try not to be so in control of everything... andd throw caution to the wind and see me....I can share it.

Its hand written because my computer wouldn't work and I fell asleep last night writing it.

To be honest right now I dont even know everything Ive written...and if I reread it...Ill be too scared to tell you....but I think...in my heart I may understand you better than you may think...and maybe I'm supposed to share it....Well thats what my heart is saying.

Do what scares you the most. this scares me the most....so Im going to find the courage to hit send. Before I wake up too much and rationalize away why it is rude to share my insight with you.....Accept this all sounds crazy....but hope I'm right that you may just understand  my unique craziness...And this is what you are looking for...But it would be impossible for you to ask.

My heart makes me do rediculously scary things like....

An idea of what I am alluding to? That I realized that when you met me I was like a little bomb went off in your already chaotic life and you just didn't know what to do with me....I triggered so  much in you that it was impossible to have me around because you were trying to keep everything else afloat.... And I threatened that. You didn't know how to not hurt me or yourself and maybe you still dont but you dont know how to express that... you want to have more stability and be happier before you see me... but maybe just maybe... seeing me is what might make you happier. If Im right.

If I'm wrong youll just continue to ignore me like youve been doing again since we started talking again... and Ill just sit here and wait for you to get the courage to tell me whats really going on with you.

*****

I'm going to have an anxiety attack sending that to you. I know its a lot and you told me not too much... but my heart said to tell you.. and I have to listen to it. sorry.
****

January 9,, 2013 1:53 pm

I dont know if you got that. But if you did its intense... I know I'm intense and scary... I just hope you can find your courage and see that I only have honourable good intentions. Be spontaneous. Cancel your plans and come over... see for yourself if what I have to say can help.. if who I am helps.. And if you feel better after seeing me. Please.

******

January 9. 5:22 pm.

K... well I live at ---- So if you can find your heart again... and stop having to control every little thing in your life for one night... then I am free tonight.

I have tutoring from 6-8 and then as far as I know I am free.

So find your balls. And just come have fun and stop making me have to tip toe around you like you are completely fragile. Own up to your heart. I promise itll be fun... no control= freedom=happiness

****

January 19. 8:38pm

Im picking up a bottle of wine and heading home. You going to stop being so scared of life and come?

****January 19. 8:53 pm.

you said you wanted a kick in the ass. This is it. I have nthing else.

*****
January 19 11:02 pm

If you are going to change anything in your life that isnt going well its going to require a huge leap of faith. Thats what your heart needs. A leap of faith.

***
I'm going to type up the letter and send it to you and when you are ready to leap and trust me and the feelings you feel about me... you can let me know.

****

January 20 11:57 am.

I think you treat strangers and people you dont like better than me. You trust me and yet you relegate me to the far corner of your life as though any more is threatening. I love you. But after the distance you created over the past two months.. I atleast deserved honesty and communication. I have earned your respect. In fact I would bet I have stuck by you and trusted you more than most people in your life. I cant believe I havent been able to get you to see your own worth and that there are far more important things to focus on besides the worries you obsess over.

My dad had a heart attack and 2 strokes last month, my friend's daghter dies and I have 40$ in my bank account right now and none of my family will help me out... and the man I feel most like ignores me like the plague. I have been struggling to get through my life... and school... believing its all happening as it should.. and you are focused on a woman who treats you like shit, a job that pays you well, money problems based on some crazy future notion.. and not now.. and your girls who are absolutely fine. If you just refocused your attention... you'd be fine. But I cant force you to be present and happy

****

January 10, 12:10pm

You should be thankful to have me. Not resentful. And its your choice. I think you actually enjoy being sad and feeling like no one loves you... case I'm here loving you and you want nothing to do with me. You make me crazy...you are the most stubborn man I have ever met!

And I think you feel like you are an enigma because you dont know what your heart wants... and if you do you get mad at yourself for wanting what you want... you dont trust yourself. Life isnt as aweful or as serious as you think. You are allowed to play and fall down and not have it all run smoothly. Its unpredictable.. and I think I finally understand why yo keep me at bay. Because you cant control me.. and you dont like anything you cant control.

*****

January 20. 12:30 pm

But your heart loves that I shake things up for you. Craves change.. I think I am your battle between your head and your heart. You dont have to know the future... jst let me hold your hand while you figre it out.

******

*****

and that's where we are. I am not upset.... I know that the past 3 months had to happen precisely as they did. I followed my heart right into knowing I truly deserve more. Before it was forced... before I was trying to convince myself... now I feel it.

I do love him.. and there is no judgment... there's no he's bad or I'm bad... its just I deserve more than hes giving me.

I felt like I deserved more after J. But this is the first time that I am truly choosing to be alone. Its a scary thought... but I can't think about for how long.. or if I am ever going to find him. I simply have to accept right now I no longer want to have men in my life that are going to disrespect me and not value my time or my love.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I had been feeling that the time for T and I wasn't right yet because power was unbalanced... and becase of his behaviours I hadn't been able to be insecure.... that I needed to feel safe before anything could happen... and I didn't.... and don't.

I think that when I get to the point of wanting to leave its usually becase I'm angry, which causes me to push and pull myself from wanting nothing.. to wanting everything... instead of just letting go of trying to control anything.... I think I may have just found my balance.

I knew I couldn't be in a relationship again until I was ready to let them go if they did not treat me properly.. and I think I may have just arrived there.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I wanted to leave J. And I knew that I would have to learn how to cut that time. I thought when I met T... and we subsequently had our issues that I would be able to walk away.. but I just couldn't. Clearly becase I had yet to go through everything I did this fall... and get to the point where I really do believe I am a huge catch.. and value myself enough... know myself well enough, to want what I want and make no appologies for it..... its been a long road.... but I think I may just be getting to the end.... where I can deal with conflict from an objective stand point.. based purely on being present and aware to what is going on... not making any judgments and letting it go the way its going to go.

Like Osho says - the watercourse way.... no competition.. always take the lowest ground.... also known as the path of least resistance.

The other trick I'm finding is it comes from my heart.. not my head. This is not a rationalized slew of texts.... its what my heart was saying... feeling.. in the moment. That I want to be treated better by the man I love.

So we'll see :)
night.