So I wrote this letter to T on Friday night. I have been struggling with sending it to him.... adding to it every couple of days but being scared of whether I feel the need to send it. I have been struggling with just not even caring any more.. with feeling like is none of my business what he's thinking... to being wrong.... it really is interesting to watch myself be so scared about a letter.
I ended up sending him a copy of the letters he wrote me originally, this weekend... and tonight I shared all of it with my best friend. The letters we wrote to eachother when we first met. I explained to her that after we met face to face I was so convinced he was the perfect man for me that I went and saved every correspondance on POF, because I wanted to be able to look back at how we met. I read my friend the letter I wrote T on Friday... and I watched as she was so moved and impresses with the letter and told me at the end that it was a phenomenal letter... it was raw... but amazing. :)
So I'm going to send him the letter.
The 2nd extra page I wrote was yesterday. I feel the need to post it because after my friend and I talked she said that it could change the world... and so.. I don't want to share the personal letter... especially before he reads it... especially considering I gave him this blog address at one point.. so he also may read this.... so I think its important to leave that to him to read personally, in hand writing... but I will share the last page with you... in the hopes that my insight for T. may also help you
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Handwritten January 21, 2013
I've reread this letter so many times in the past few days - asking myself if I've shared all I need to. I know that this is the most vulnerable I have ever been... so I truly have given you my all.
I hope I offer you insight... I noticed with J. that I could tell him what his problems were- but he go frustrated in what to do about them, I'm worried I'm leaving everything to you and you may find it overwhelming - what you need to know.
1. You are allowed to be hurt an disappointed and angry about events in your life that hurt.
2. It is not your fault - life happens - I believe now that life give us the hardest things to accept to see if you can overcome them and really love yourself - its just life.
3. It takes a long time to heal - so don't beat yourself up on the path to wholeness.
4. You are a wonderful soul inside if you just let it out.
5. Accepting your life and not pushing your emotions away is the only answer - becoming crystallized through allowing yourself to let go - feel and heal - as you allow yourself to experience the pain, sorrow and frustration - the feelings will dissipate - and you will feel way stronger - recognizing what you have been through.
6. Forgive yourself and your loved ones for not knowing any better than you did. Life only teaches you so much and there's no sense being upset for not knowing any better.
7. You don't have to have all the answers - to simply live is the answer - loss of control = freedom = happiness even though when its happening it feels like the whole world is caving in.
8. The universe is conspiring for you - always - pushing you... you are never alone.
9. I will always love you. You make my heart skip a beat - and I've learned so much in the past 4 months- I came back to myself - because you gave me hope - you also being a complete mirror to me showed me how some of my behaviours impact my life - you are one of the greatest gifts of my life.
10. You are perfectly you. Your uniqueness - your flaws are what makes you so special - and honestly its what I value the most. You are human, flawed and perfect.
I'm sorry for not being able to give you what you wanted - but hopefully I gave you what you needed and helped you somehow along your journey.
with all my love
A.J
I carry you in my story - I'm going to change the world. You'll see. :)
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