My truth

I cannot write fast enough. I know that how I am feeling right now is my authentic self speaking... just like every other time I have written in here. It comes from my heart, from my spirit, and the relief I feel about letting these emotions come to the surface is a glimpse of the fear and the freedom.

I have been scared of my own truth. I have been scared that my truth is tainted, that it isn't the truth and so I have kept silent in so many ways. Perhaps that is why this blog has been so theraputic. Because I talk about all the parts of me that I can sometimes be fearful of sharing.

I am realizing on this very day, that I have been protecting people from themselves. I carry that burden... why? I think maybe because I don't think they are strong enough.... that they don't see, so how am I supposed to tell them?

I also see I have been scared of telling people my truth because I am scared to lose them.

I finally have someone who has been through a loss as great as mine, and instead of trying to move on and suppress her feelings, she is embracing them. I am teaching her, guiding her through 10 years of my own personal suffering, encouraging her to deal and accept her emotions in a way no one knew how to do for me... and I am finding solace, I am finding peace... and I am finding family.

In her heart she is me. Her daughter died at 20 and my mother died when I was 20 and so we are living the same experience from two different sides of the coin.

and I won't let her make the same mistakes I did.

I was young. I was scared... I didn't know any better, but now I do... and I am attempting to find the courage in me to speak my authentic truth.

I have wondered why I have supressed these emotions for so long, and the truth is that I have known that I could not speak until my emotions could be handled... until I could speak to the facts and not get caught up in my own experience of them... I knew I had to get to a point where I forgave everyone, before I spoke, so that it wouldn't be vindictive.... it was simply the truth... and I feel like I am finally coming into that space....

I love my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without having struggled... and so the result is that I know that you have to struggle to grow, you have to face your fears to grow... you have to look at yourself and be honest with yourself in order to grow.

and so I have to let go of the burden of trying to save people. I have wanted to love people so they can see they are lovable, but what I see now, is that I am not loving myself because I am supressing myself. I am not loving them because I do not trust they know what's best for them.

So I vow. To find the strength to tell people the truth. Without judgement.... so they can find themselves...

I just wrote this:

Lol. Ya im feeling the same way. Its scaring the shit out of me but I have been feeling it for a very long time.. But I was scared. I was scared id be all alone in the world if I stood up for myself. But with you, and Carissa and my mom in my heart. I have true family. I know im not alone anymore. And the truth is the most important thing. I understand why people make the decisions they do... But they are oblivious to it. My compassion is so deep that I forgive people... But the time is coming for me to step into who I am and open peoples eyes to the truth of their own character. No judgment... just truth. Freedom from suppression... From putting myself in this box my whole life. for everyone who ever took advantage of my kindness. I am coming of age. And the whole world is going to know how you have treated me. So if you have any regrets. My advice. Come clean. Heal. Admit your wrong doings..  the legacy you leave will be my voice. I will always love you. I see in your heart you dont love yourself thats why you have behaved the way you have... Because how we treat others is the way we treat ourselves. Be honest with yourself. I love you even though youve hurt me. You are lovable... But you have to know who you really are to change... And ive been protecting you from yourselves for too long. I cant do it anymore. You create your own life. No wonder ive been struggling for my entire adult life... Ive been holding on to your shit... Im releasing myself from having to navigate you. you have to be  authentic with yourself and with me.its the only way to self love.
Ah I cant wait for the courage. I am no longer going to hold on to anything. I release you from me....into your own being... Into yourselves because I cant save you. You have to save yourselves.
Xoxoxo

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I've been thinking lately about my future in public speaking, and I have been scared that if I speak the truth about my family I am going to hurt them the way they hurt me..... I have even been thinking I am going to have to not talk about my whole experience because I don't want to hurt them... and now I am seeing, I have to free myself from that burden. I have to free myself from trying to control the situation and find love. That I have love inside of me... I know I am loved, and I can no longer protect people from themselves.

So many people have hurt me.... and they need to know. Not that I need or want anything from them... but that they need to hear the trith of themselves.. and I need to let go controlling myself.

The world can handle my sadness. I have to believe that my truth is the only way to set myself free, and the people I tell, can either embrace the truth and change, or stay the same and suffer. That is their choice. But no longer my own.

I am so scared, and so I know its the right thing to do.

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I have thought I was selfish because of money, but now I see it is not money I was ever after, I was after support to go after my dreams, and there is no shame in that. I have to believe that morlity comes from intention, not outcome... and if the intention is out of love it has to be true.

I have hurt a lot, I have been rejected a lot... and I have been scared to be rejected and hurt again... but through this whole experience I am starting to see that no one could hurt me as deeply as my mother dying, as being hit by the man I love, by having my family not support me when my mother died.... that I have been scared to be hurt because I hadn't dealt with the pain of all of things... and now that I am.... now that I have come to peace with so much in my life.. now that they no longer trigger me to hate my life and hate myself... I am left with truth.

I love people. I love people even when they go on hurting me. I had to forgive them, and myself for not knowing any better, but the little girl inside of me is screaming to be taken care of.. and I am finally coming to the age where I am mature enough to stop taking things personally...accept my life for the beauty it is... and without any pain, share my story.

To my step father:

I have been terrified to write this letter to you for 10 years. I have always been scared to lose you.. you were/are a staple in my life, and its hard to imagine life without you... but I am finally at a point where my truth speaks louder than my fear. My love for myself speaks louder than anything else...and so I am letting go of having to control the outcome of this experience. I have to be true.

I love you. I always have and I always will.

I have felt hurt beyond measure as a result of many of your actions.
I have wanted to be loved so badly that I try and pretend our history has not happened.
I want to be whole and in love with myself.... and so the time has come for me to find the courage to admit my own experience.

You came into my life at a critical moment, and I will forever be thankful for what you did for my mother and I. I have felt in debt to you for taking care of my mother while she died, when I was not emotionally, spiritually or monetarily available to handle the situation.

I have come to terms with my mothers death, along with everything else in my life and as a result I am finally seeing everything in a new light. From truth, not from judgement. Not from pain, but from light.

Everything has happened just as it should. I am not angry. I simply have to be authentic with myself. I now can see I have been protecting myself from more hurt, and protecting you from yourself.... and I can no longer assume that you are too fragile to handle it.

I do not know what will come from this letter. I am not cutting you out, but I am also not going to continue to make an effort when I feel the effort has never been reciprocated.

I believe my mother died because she got off her path.... I have analyzed it and sought truth for 10 years.. I know my mother could have survived but she would have had to have found her own truth, and she was too scared to do that...and so, as death is so dramatic, the stop watch was reset and I have been given the gift of knowledge from my mother and my own life. .. the knowledge that if you don't deal with your shit you get sick.

I refuse to die young... I am scared of the person I am meant to be... but I have to find the courage to embrace my truth... and become everything I was born to be.

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something came up.. I'll have to finish this some other time.