Letter to a friend - letting go of association with anything. JUST LOVE.

The following is a letter I just wrote to a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me since August. I will post her letter to me once I have permission, when I have some reason to share. 

Hi

First off, Merry Christmas. I hope it was lovely. Mine was weird, but when is it not? lol. Second. Thank you for being vulnerable and being willing to allow yourself the chance to look at and reflect on what is going on inside. It takes a lot of courage to want more for yourself when you can see patterns that are so ingrained they are almost impossible to see. Third. Thank you for your apology. It means a lot to me and validates me continually believing in you. 

I'll be honest. What I can see is that you are at this place where in order to move forward you are going to have to give up some of your beliefs for something intangible. I am in the process and I have been here my whole life, and it's pretty excruciating. It is so easy to falter. It is so easy to convince yourself that your past way of being is the right way, because its what you have been taught, its what you have gotten to know. It's who you identify with. I know. I am going through it too. Ultimately it requires recognizing what behaviour is in alignment with love and what isn't and functioning from that place. even if it feels like the world is going to fall apart.... all the better, at least that's what OSHO advocates for. To allow the falseties of life, of worth.... to dissolve and to ultimately find your worth, your innate wisdom and let go of what you"think" it should be. 

The arrogance and judgment simply come from a lack of really understanding the macro view of the whole of existence. If you look at all the shitty things in your life, you have to come to see that they had to happen for you to be where you are. If you allow yourself to be happy in this immediate moment then there is a place where you can be thankful and appreciate all the "shitty" things. In that space it is possible to make peace with your past and recognize that you, along with everyone is on the EXACT path they are supposed to be on... to be thankful in the present is to be thankful for ALL THE MOMENTS leading up to this one. It in an assbackwards kind of way is an immediate making peace with the past. Remember... suffering is only important until it is not. 

Your judgement and arrogance, I believe come from a  place of recognizing that your path is actually propelling you more to a place you have always longed to go.. but this time not financially, not physically, but cosmically, esoterically, recognizing that is important for you to find the truth that exists in your heart. You are coming to see how easy it is for us to convince ourselves of falseties, untruths. Your judgement of others is a reflection of your judgment of yourself.

Compassion is the only answer. 

Expecting something from generosity is the most difficult thing I am finding to let go. Especially in a relationship. To watch how I expect men to behave, that I want certain things... that don't necessitate love, but that i have equated to love or lack of love for some weird reason. To recognize and discipline myself that I am not allowed to get frustrated or angry with JA for anything he doesn't do, and whenever I feel triggered, to look at what that is. When the house is a shambles, getting frustrated is stupid, because I too haven't done it all, and if it bothers me enough, I should clean it. That JA is allowed to be exactly who he is when he is single and its my choice whether I want to stay or not, that I can't want him to change, and I am certainly not allowed to make him feel bad or ashamed in anyway for not measuring some bullshit, in-the-moment random expectation I have, that really is just a reflection of my own frustrations with myself. 

I guess in a way I have given myself permission to only criticize if he does something that hurts me, never for something he hasn't done. To encourage him and allow him to move forward at his own pace, to treat him the way I want to be treated and to look to see if my intentional reaction is something that if done to me I will be hurt. To always reflect on what I am ACTUALLY FEELING. Oddly enough... in 2 months... there hasn't been ONE thing he has done that has hurt my feelings. No rolling his eyes, no weird comments to the detriment of my feelings. He respects me... and loves me enough to never want to hurt my feelings..... so if they do get hurt, recognizing that it is not his intention... 

After reading your email the other day and sharing it with JA I was thinking that it is sad that you have missed out on a lot of fun with R. . JA used to drink a lot... his whole family has been at one point to AA and he too has been, but has come to the realization he is allowed to drink, just to be aware of the frequency and the amount. To be honest he drinks almost every night.. and we drink together. We have tonnes of fun dancing in the kitchen and being silly. My only rule is don't get so drunk you are falling over or can't have a conversation. I am not a babysitter, other than that.. it is your own life. 

I think when R. came into your life you were realizing that you drink to excess when you drink.. and he became an outlet for those feelings. With you it is always all or nothing.... it's incredible how self disciplined you can be.. but the truth of life is to have fun, take the path of least resistance and love. Don't put all experiences together... if he gets trashed and gets retarded, let him know how it makes you feel, but allow him the space to be himself. Always consider how nice it is when you have a friend who doesn't judge you and allows you the space to be yourself with all your faults, never criticizing and only supporting what you dreams and hopes are.... reinforcing positive behaviour and maybe even ignoring bad??? You love to get drunk. You love to party.... and now you have someone who parties like a rockstar and you cut yourself completely off from that part of you, blaming him. HAVE FUN JULES. Go get drunk and do a bunch of drugs with your boyfriend and don't apologize for it. James and I decided if either of us gets cancer the first thing we are going to do is heroin. The second is dealing with it. It is Really important to stop measuring your life on some rediculous idea of the way life "should" be. You know what you love, embrace it.. and stop feeling ashamed for the life you have lead, for the people you love... for the mistakes you have made. HAVE FUN!

YOu mention time frames. That is another of your hangups... and please don't feel bad, this is just human nature. We have been s taught to meet time frame expectations. But in the end , the time frame is whatever is the most comfortable for you. If it takes a day or 10 years... so long as the intention is there....

You have felt ashamed of not being married and having children yet. YOu have imposed on yourself some version of prison, of hell, where nothing you will do will remove your shame. You impose expectations on yourself blaming the rest of existence. It is you that you have to make peace with. Recognizing YOU made the choices you have. YOu are where your life has lead.... shame is like an addiction for you... and all of humanity. 

I think this experience you are going through has the opportunity to deepen your level of compassion to see that after every layer there is another layer and that your experience can show you the path that it takes.. that its easy to fall back into old patterns and how easy it is to not even be aware of certain aspects of your own psyche.... in this you can have compassion for others. Recognize that you can only know what you know and that most of what you have learned, has been through experience. You can't RUSH EXPERIENCE. YOu can't rush life. 

Your misinterpretation of other's behaviour comes from a lack of understanding/acceptance that people are where they are and they only treat you as well as they treat themselves... so instead of getting upset, to love them despite their inability to fulfill their 'promise/plan/role" I am going through this right now too, and it is quite confronting to balance keeping people, letting people go and having compassion for everyone. To not take things personally and to not be resentful for all the people in my life that have not met my expectations. To not have their worth, or their deserving of love be based on anything other than their existence. Because ultimately that's where we are trying to get right? to a place where we can recognize we are all one. We are not separate. And we ARE LOVE. 

That's what I am trying to embrace, resonate with..... to recognize once and for all that my worth does not come from outside. It does not come from what people do/give/think about me. It is not based on my education or my salary. It is not based on my job, my friends, my living situation. It is not based on where I am from, the colour of my skin or my sexuality.  That when I feel love, it is from within. Its gratitude. 

at this point I am getting so good at the practice that I am trying to be grateful for EVERYTHING in the moment. I have concluded that everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson in everything.... I have had a cough consistently for a month and I have been thanking the universe for giving my lungs a fine work out so that I can be more effective. I thank my lungs for allowing me the space to continue to smoke, recognizing that quitting will come on it's own time and that they have the power to keep me safe and healthy if I appreciate all they do for me. 

The other day I woke up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed and this 5lb amethyst that was iitting on the window sill fell on my foot. It cut it pretty bad and still hurts... but while I was crying I was telling myself it happened to remind me I had a foot, to send blood and love to it, and thank the universe for not having it be worse. To constantly be in a mantra of gratitude and to recognize the areas of my life that I find myself complaining about, or feeling ripped off. 

I had a thought last night. We are sad when we feel ripped off from life. When we feel like things should be different than they are, we cut ourselves off from the experience and thus from life. It is only through gratitude that we are able to accept the flow of life, thus embracing its beauty, and being connected to it. We can only feel connected to life when we feel we are the painters. When we feel that there is purpose to the experience. When we love every moment. When we become YES men. (I read in a book I am reading currently on ancient wisdom that the word man has an etymology in the word mana in sanskrit - or mind.. that what makes humans different from our animal counterparts is our mind, our ability to think.. to become aware of ourselves... and thus man is actually gender neutral... and thus we can all become a yes man... in other words.. a yes thinker)  Through love we reconnect with the divinity of all things, and all lessons, recognizing they each shift our frequency to a higher and higher existence... and accepting that through this others may not understand us. People may not support.... but love them for being scared.... and loving yourself for taking the road less travelled... that is in being brave to stand up for the child in ourselves... and being the change we wish to see in the world (as Gandhi said). That by living a life, less conventional we pave the way for others and make it easier on them to fall into their own greatness. It is only in recognizing our own greatness that we allow others to see their own. 

The only thing to trust is life, your inner voice. But it is intangible. YOu can't see it, and most of what we learn in life with regards to relationships with others as well as ourselves are things that actually have to be UNLEARNED> which poses the problem, we attach our beliefs, our accomplishments/ our failures to our worth. We connect our personality with who we are.. and I think we have this default where we actually feel like we will disintegrate if we let go of all those things we hold so dear to our existence. And yet when we are born... that is all we have. 

I feel this is where I am right now. To completely give up on celebrating my birthday, or Christmas this year... to accept their quietness... to accept the lack of pomp and circumstance. To recognize them both only from inside. Only from a personal space.... it is incredible how difficult it was for me to accept that nothing about yesterday was Christmas. No exchange of gifts. No turkey. No tradition of any sort. To see how I felt lost, how I felt uncomfortable... it was a great opportunity to see how attached I am to the guilt. 

Recongizing that every year I feel guilty at Christmas. Usually for not having enough money to buy people things. Spending money on gas, when I don't have it... guilty for not going.. or even worse I feel resentful to the world for not giving me anything I need or want. I am in a space right now of recognizing that I live in the light of Christmas every day of my life... and that I do love the Christmas lights and am incredibly thankful for presents. But to allow myself the experience of a presentless birthday and Christmas. Not even going out for dinner. has created a space for me where I am more thankful for the basics. Thankful that I have a roof.Thankful that I have food. Thankful that I have love. and EVERYTHING else is just extra. and to be even more thankful in the future because I know what it is like to NOT have things. 

Spending the past 2 months with JA, we have only gone out once. So the love I feel really comes from sharing space with him. To feel like I have everything I need right now and to not be attached to needing or wanting anything more... and allow the universe to create lessons i can't even see I need to learn.... so that I get to live the most beautiful life...unimaginable to my limited mind.

The truth is I have a truth in my heart that has such a hold on me that I will never again tell it 'no' because I know better, that my heart knows best, even if I don't see where it is going to lead me... but to continue breaking my rules, continue challenging my behaviour. and continue looking for love inside.

*****

Life has a weird way of doing the things to you that scare you the most. I think this is one of the most important lessons. I think many teachers refer to it as the law of attraction. That the universe does not account for the negative, so being scared of something and repeating the thought in our heads of fear like "I will never survive if ----- happens to me" OR.... a complaint.. actually creates the very thing we fear.. actually perpetuates the circumstances we are trying to avoid... its like life's little way of proving that our rules are actually pointless.. and that we will survive all those things we believe we won't. What you RESIST PERSISTS... sooooo it is only in shifting our perspective that allows for the dissolution of our fears to manifest themselves in our lives. 

Two examples come to mind for me. The fear of a man leaving me for my weight I met J.(my ex)... who threatened to leave for my weight. If that wasn't a fear... then I probably wouldn't have been dating someone who would threaten that. But because it was, the universe needed me to confront that fear and say "I no longer believe this to be true, and if I am with a man who threatens this... then he is not the man for me. 

What I am looking at now is my complaint that JA doesn't talk much. I saw myself starting to recite this thought in my head.... but being as aware as I am I could see that I was actually LYING to myself. That in fact he talks A LOT.. and YES, he is not  very expressive about his emotions... but neither am I at times... that if I get upset with him about not sharing more... I will make him feel insecure which will actually encourage the lack of sharing.... AND if I am upset about that then I will constantly look for evidence to support that in my head. That if I just allow him the space to be himself.... and listen for when he does talk, that will be a more loving space to come from..... even being aware of this, I still find myself mentioning it here and there... and then I see that it may actually be my way of convincing myself that i am not loved. It's SOOO weird - like in my head I say 'if you don't know what he's feeling because he hasn;t said it then maybe he doesn't love you." 

What's also weird is he is the most physically affectionate man I have ever been with. He holds me, he blows me kisses across the room, he dances with me. He winks at me... he caresses me and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin...... and yet his lack of vocalization about how he feels I resent..... So I am practicing FEELING loved. That love does not come from the intellectualization or experience... but the feeling you actually feel around them. And if there is a lack of love it is on my own part. That my worthiness of love does not reside in his behaviour, or even deeper, in his love.

On a deeper level I am playing with recognizing that when I feel a lack of love it is that I am actually holding back love from myself. That I have the ability to pull away from love... looking for attention that will make me feel loved..... but in a weird way it is some form of manipulation.... and really that puts the power of my worthiness of love outside myself... it's difficult to break, the need for attention. Its difficult to break the feeling of inadequacy. It's really weird to come to know myself so well that I have to stop hating myself... cause I really like myself. It's been so conditioned in me to not be happy. 

****

About your judgments of me. You provide me with something I need. To be able to love you enough to forgive you for the constant judgment and rejection you have imposed on me throughout the past 4/5 years has freed me somewhat from the need to get the approval from ANYONE. You somehow cushion the blow, because deep down I know you will eventually believe in me, see me and support me. I suppose unconsciously it is something aligned with if you can make your biggest judge your ally, you have arrived..... You say what most people think. My lesson has been to not make choices regarding my own life based on what others think of me... and you have created the situation for me to confront those fears on a VERY personal level. I can only believe that we have been sisters in a past life because I somehow believe that no matter what you do you still love me. I just believe that..... I always tried to fix things in the past. Now I am trying to allow them to develop at their own pace..... instead of trying to fix relationships with people who have hurt me... I recognize I have an open door policy. That where the balance may be for me, is that my friends know that when they want back in my life, I will never hold a grudge, or push them away or not believe in their ability to evolve... that I will always be a cheerleader for the growth and love of all the people I have met in life... and everyone deserves the space to grow. 

I think this is what they call being detached. Not pushing people away, but recognizing that everyone is where they are supposed to be, and in the end I needed everyone to push me away so that I could hear my own voice and not be embarrassed about who I am.... I needed to have to see myself, alone... to recognize I am simply LOVE. I have always lived like I want to be jesus. ONLY LOVE. no matter what your crime, no matter what your treatment of me, others or yourself. That even if no one else behaves from the same place I do... that I will persevere and never sell out on that part of me that loves forever and always. 

Our biggest failure as a society is that we punish the people who suffer the most. We don't offer compassion for the children that grow up to be adults that are so disconnected from love that they have the ability to hurt their fellow man. We must continue to foster love for all humans, and be patient enough to teach the adults who never learned. AGE has nothing to do with awareness.... and everyone just got what they got.... everyone is having to unlearn things they have believed their whole lives... and that makes life very uncertain. Apparently that's where life becomes adventurous.. in the not knowing.... but man is it ever confronting. 

I love you because I love myself. I love you because I see your spirit, your dreams/your hopes/ your promise. I love you because you allow me the opportunity to share what I know to be true. You let me share my wisdom. And that can only be heard by someone worthy of such wisdom. Most people are so scared to even look at themselves, my wisdom is lost on them. 

If it is any consolation... I knew you would eventually have to look at what was going on inside you... and I believed you would have the strength and courage to shift your perspective. I believed in your capacity to grow.. and saw that you had to go through this... I couldn't force you to see what you were unwilling to see... and that it would happen in its perfect time... to not be sad about you leaving and to not be hurt... but to allow the relationship to evolve however it is meant to... and that I can't control your side. I can only control my own.... that standing up for myself was worth the loss of the relationship... but that I had hope that you loved yourself enough, that you loved me enough to eventually accept me for me and be thankful for the originality of my thoughts. For the kindness I offer, for the forgiveness I provide. For the blueprint of love I create. SO thank you for evolving enough to start seeing that... and for loving yourself enough to be willing to share yourself with me when I am sure it has been quite scary to not know if I will shun and resent you like so many people do after they are hurt. 

The truth is, you did hurt me. You judged me during the scariest choice of my life. You left me to question my choice whether it was selfish or self loving. I have come to see and believe it is only out of self love that I have behaved and for that I will not apologize... I tried to help you to see how you were sabotaging the relationships you had with T. and M... and instead of hearing the observation, you attacked me... it was a quick and sure way of getting me to shut up, preventing you from getting off the train wreck that you were creating. Your ego gets rid of me at the exact time you NEED me. But somehow, through getting rid of me, by what ever means necessary, you are forced to see something that I am trying to show you. You thus become acutely aware of the behaviour I am trying to show you... and so whether it is through listening to my observations.. or pushing me away so you can see them for yourself... you will see them.. you will grow.... and that is my promise to you. That I will always love you enough to support your growth. 

OK... that's what I have for right now. I think this may suffice in terms of bringing awareness to the behaviour you are trying to shift.... but if you need further insight into specifics about your life, if you want me to share further my observations of you and your habits... just ask. I will be happy to share what it has been like for me on this side of the friendship. 

much love. 

I believe in you. 

Merry Christmas. 

evolution of love - letting go of SHOULD - being thankful.

It's interesting to be falling in love with awareness. To recognize my triggers.... to ask myself what the triggers are trying to show/teach me. To not react but grow from each experience, bringing me closer and closer to love. To presence. To freedom.

The expression "have no expectations"... is an interesting saying. I have always felt that there is something missing by saying to not have expectations.. it is important to expect the best in people. It's important to expect love and kindness. It's important to expect respect. To allow everyone you meet to walk into the space I can provide of love and understanding... maybe...sometimes for the first time in their lives... sometimes for the only time in their lives.

But not having expectations is deeper than the expressions leads our childhood selves to understand. To not have expectations is to accept everything that life decides to give you, with out judgement of whether it is good or bad. To allow the grace of the universe to expose itself at its own rate, with its own care.... allowing me, the individual, the opportunity to revel in the delight of the unraveling of the beauty of life.

Without having expectations frees us from the confines of our own construction of the way things "should be".

SHOULD - I believe one of the most detrimental words in the English language. The infamous "should" gives us the opportunity to compare something against something that does not exactly exist. An idea.... it does not allow for the fierce, chaotic beauty that life can drum up. It denies us of our very nature.... "should".

It is a word that had had me feeling inadequate my whole life. I "should" be smarter. I "should" be making more money. I "should" have a better job. I "should" be different than the way I am.

Growing towards the light I have had to teach myself to let go of all the times where I consider the word should.

The expression of that evolution is apparent to me in my relationship with JA. To watch my own thought process of feeling like he "should" talk more.... I realized that I had convinced myself he didn't talk much.... but I knew that when he did talk he had a lot to say. I watched how I was teaching myself to only watch for when he WASN'T talking... as opposed to watching and listening for when he WAS. To allow him the space to share when he wanted to and to choose to not share when he didn't want to. And to be completely present for when he shared so he felt heard, and more encouraged to talk in the future. Correcting my own thought process, being available for him to be who he is and not making him or the situation wrong for not being the way I THINK IT SHOULD BE.

this has ocurred in a variety of areas already in our relationship. And everytime I see how I would never want him to feel bad about anything, so I can talk to him about things that may concern me, but to never be upset because he isn't behaving the way I think he "SHOULD".

Something shifted in the past couple of days for us.

I told him last night that I feel how I felt the first week we spent together. But different.

It was new, it was wonderful and I had no attachment. It could have not turned into anything and I would have been ok. It was shiny and wonderful.

Then life progressed and losing my job, moving out and not getting the other job started negatively plaguing my heart. Thinking about friends I had from high school and throughout my twenties that have refused to be in contact with me recently started making me feel miserable. Inadequate.

I asked myself why I was thinking about all these things... especially the girls who are evidently ignoring me... and I saw that my definition of love was still wanting someone who didn't want me back. That I would go towards abandonment and rejection.... it;s what I know... without even knowing it.

But this was different. JA is different. I am different. That the lesson was one of letting go relationships where I am not loved and appreciated. To become all the things I wish my partner was. To embrace my love for him, to be inspired to be romantic and caring and loving.

I can see that with my last relationship within the first month there had been countless times where he had rolled his eyes at me, that he had not listened, that he had made me feel foolish or incompetent. I would correct him and see how his behaviour was a reflection of how I felt about myself.

JA has never once made me feel dumb, inadequate, foolish, crazy.... or anything negative. He may not be good with words, but his silence brings me a sense of comfort and peace I have ever felt before. His energy is what I crave. Everything else is pointless. That if I want to be loved for who I am, then I have to love for who he is.

Always checking and guaging myself whether my behaviour comes from love or fear. whether my reactions are based on an idea of the way things "should" be... or whether the way things are are in fact more wonderful in a different way than I could have planned. Whether my heart really needs things to be different or whether its my own need to be in control to search for something that is wrong.

I have accepted this journey. Living on the edge of life. Being thankful for all that life has provided and continues to provide.

When I have nothing to give I have love. And when he has nothing to give he has love.

We spent the day yesterday, a Tuesday, in bed.... all day... .making love, laughing, sleeping.... and trying to melt into each other. It was the most beautiful day I have ever shared with a man.

He had told me he loved me before... but I could feel that he was still hesitant.. and so was I to be honest..... but yesterday he said it... and I felt like he really believed it. That he looks at me and sees the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. That he loves me back... and accepts me for all I am and all I am not. Encouraging me to be me... and allowing me to express that however I am supposed to.

Its an amazing thing to let go of should. I feel lighter.. I feel safer and I feel more in love with JA than I have yet. That the love for him grows deeper and deeper and sharing love with him is redefining love for me. To recognize that patience, kindness and understanding is love. That relationships that are not full of these things are not examples of love and compassion... and that never again will I allow myself to be treated any less than this.

the freedom that arises when inadequacy for not being "somewhere else" or "someone else" is let go. To accept life changes gracefully and with love and appreciation for the journey, the lessons and love. To be stripped of all the outside things I have typically defined myself with allows me to simply be thankful for presence. Thankful for never having to "figure it out". Thankful for living the adventure of life. Thankful for happiness. Thankful for love. Thankful.

being brave... me

Me and my exposing my vulnerability... who i am.

coming to quiet

I have felt that this winter is a  time for me to follow suit and come to a quiet place in my heart, in my soul.

I was surprised to find myself deciding to pack up and move across the country, deciding to go learn how to snow board... anticipating a party fulled winter, it didn't seem as though it was aligned with the diretion I have been headed, but figured that it was where the universe was pushing me.. and so I took it on, letting go of how I thought things should work out.

It's amazing that one thing can change directions of life so quickly and that it may not turn out the way we have planned, but that the direction is the right direction....

I know in my heart that my  deciding to pack my things and quit my job opened the universe up to help me find J.

It's been so nice, despite the worries about moving, and money... to have extra time to just hang out with him and get to know him. It's an interesting thing to be so available with time... it's also an interesting thing to observe myself and the guilt that accompanies having time away from school and a job. I am falling in love and feeling guilty for enjoying this space that otherwise would have me in a constant state of anxiety.

But I remind myself every day... that I deserve to celebrate and enjoy this time and to not judge myself... but allow life to unfold and be thankful to the universe for the love and the break.

It's an interesting thing to observe myself with the internal battle that occurs as this relationship progresses. I think I have come to see that I have spent my entire life, at least that of my adult years in a constant state of resistance. I felt ripped off of life, I felt like I got the shitty end of the stick and so I resented life... in my heart I knew that wasn't the truth.. but the resentment lay underneath the hope.... It's only been in the past 2 years that I have been more aware of the present moment that I am able to check my conversation and my thoughts about parts of my interpretation of my life that have previously remained out of my awareness....

with increased presence though, comes increased awareness and therefor increased ability to hyper analyze everything.... its a fine balance to observe the present moment and not get attached or judge myself for each thing I become aware of.

I watched this movie once, "what the bleep do we know" in the movie it discusses how our bodies become addicted to emotional proteins and that when we change how we react to things we also have to fight against our cells craving the protein that the emotion makes. I can feel it happening with J from time to time, where my body is seeking out conflict... but the presence that I have built allows me to recognize that I have come into his life. My job is to enjoy our time together until it no longer serves us, and not to criticize or change him.... my biggest struggle? That this is easy.

I have never had a relationship with no conflict. Not even at the beginning. ALWAYS something comes up at the start, I bring it up, and the pattern starts. Wanting the other person to change to fit my idea of what a partner should be.

So with J. I feel my upset, recognize that its my ego seeking some consolation, seeking some reassurance and/or feeling internally inadequate to some degree and tell myself that what I seek is inside... that this relationship is about becoming whole, and so I cannot rely or need J for anything. That it always has to come from love.

Another interesting thing to observe is the triggers that come from the idea of what a partner should be, are the things that tend to grow in a relationship.... they become the complaints that eventually become the evidence for breakups... and then in the end we all struggle with our love for the other person who "never really cared" or some other version of complaint.....

This year with T and I I learned that I love unconditionally, with my ex boyfriends C. and J. I have learned that you can even hurt me and I will always love you. As a result I hold on to that notion, that at the end of the day, whatever my complaint is.... I will still love him after the fact... I will love him despite the complaint.... and that I would rather he is inspired to be romantic, inspired to be thoughtful, inspired to be sweet, and to allow those behaviours to blossom, as opposed to complaining and having him feel inadequate because he is not meeting my expectations, that at the end of the day have no bearing on the day to day.

I observe that I am always looking for something to be wrong... and so when there is nothing wrong I focus on stupid little things that have no consequence.

That love is ultimately giving. That everytime a thought comes up that I want something from him, I recognize that what I enjoy most about the relationship is my ability to give my love. That my complaint in the past is that my partners do not have the ability to accept love, and J. does. That that is in fact what I love most about him... that he is available for me to love him.... and that is more than I could ever ask for... so focusing on the stupid little things that come out of my own head, that are not a reflection of him, but rather a reflection of my own self sabotage and my addiction to resistance.

We went for a two hour long walk last night. It was only -2 and the snow was falling gently. We walked mostly in silence and the snow and cold and walk brought quiet into my soul where I was able to come back to my place of gratitude. Gratitude for the company and for feeling safe. For the love that I am able to share and receive and that however J wants to share his love with me.... I am greatful.

That in the end, if I remain present I can see his trust of me unfolding, his self expression unfolding and his desire to share his heart with me..... and that I too am growing more and more available.

At one point in the past week I scolded myself for still being skeptical of the love, of us... and then I reminded myself that I am human and that although I trust people, it is natural to grow more and more comfortable with someone and to not expect more from myself than I am capable of.


****

I had a job interview today to be a receptionist for a dentist office. I got the job, but it doesn't start until the new year. But I am excited to work in a new environment and learn new things.... especially about teeth, something I can use if I head back to nursing school eventually.

So I guess I have a few more weeks of uninterrupted me and J time.

My challenges right now? drinking 8 glasses of water/day.

I want to spend the winter coming back into myself and getting healthy. That I may not get paid for it, but it will benefit me extensively in my life and the time has come. Making my bed, eating breakfast, stretching, eating well, sleeping enough, spending time outside.... building a strong base so that I always have that to fall back upon when this roller coaster ride hits this space again.

Anyways..... That's my update.

The triggers of love - Being self aware of self sabotage

It's an incredible thing to observe myself on the verge of self sabotage... the only thing that I can logically decipher is there are still limitations to the love I will allow.

I had a lovely evening with J last night... more than lovely... we watched the first 5 episodes of Dr. Who, of which he was sure I would enjoy... and I did. We chatted, made dinner together... and just enjoyed each others company.... we made love and fell asleep in each others arms...

Then this morning we woke up and he was smiling at me like he always does... and yet there was something inside me that was looking for something being wrong... still I find myself fighting with the urge to criticize and judge things about our relationship... I wonder if its our human instincts to want to run away from anything that doesn't feel safe.... but then love isn't safe... at least not safe in the way we build our homes to shelter us from the elements.. love is the elements.. love illuminates your very soul and exposes all the areas that you hide from yourself...

love is also the sanctuary that you can come to  when the despair gets to be too much.

We actually talked about that last night. I told him that I can see myself watch myself be aware of my interpretation of things....and how based on what I have seen about myself in previous settings I choose alternative interpretations or reactions that I didn't know to choose previously.

I think I look for reasons why he isn't the right one... why he doesn't ACTUALLY care about me.... its as though my default is NO love.. and when that is your baseline... then no one will ever be able to fight that.... that perhaps the fear that lies inside is the fear of letting myself feel unconditional love.... recognizing that its not behaviour... that its feeling....

I am also aware that I enjoy the slow decent into love.. but that rushing it, making him feel uncomfortable will backfire and the more I make him feel any kind of insecurity the more he will pull away, the more I will interpret his pulling away as him not loving me.. him lying to me... until finally I push him so far the same thing happens... as did with my ex boyfriend.

They say you find your mirror.....

I love him. I love everything about him... it scares me to get attached to anyone or anything. I suppose I always say you only see in other people what you possess in yourself... and I am clear that we cut ourselves off from our emotions to protect ourselves.... the trick is to allow the space for life to blossom and accept the pain that may come from whatever the lesson is.... and that worrying about something actually.. in subtle ways creates the thing we are most afraid of.... We react to the future we imagine... and so we hold back our love for fear of getting hurt.


J. said something really interesting last night... when we were talking about how I had been feeling... I was sharing that the morning before I was pretty depressed.... that I felt so defeated... in the past i would have lay in bed all day...feeling sorry for myself.. but I watched it play out in my head... J downstairs, worrying about me, not knowing what to do... him coming upstairs and trying to make me feel better... me drawing his energy out of him in order to make myself feel loved.... him feeling drained or frustrated for me not being able to feel better.... creating tension.... so I got out of bed and offered to help around the house... reminding myself that doing ANYTHING will make me feel productive.... that doing ANYTHING will make me feel useful... and will be the action I need to not feel like such a failure.

The thought just occurred to me that perhaps what my pushing away might be is that I want to still go out west and I am scared to get attached.... I also thing there is a part of me that has accepted the freedom not having any ties does for me.. that having ties feels like I will lose my freedom... and then the omnipotent voice in my heart says... AMANDA... RELAX. just be here.. what will come will come... ENJOY.

It's as though I don't know how to let myself enjoy... that I feel guilty for being happy... guilty for having what I want... guilty for not meeting the responsibilities of other people my age.

But I sit in the coffee shop and J. blows kisses at me. When I wake up I open my eyes and there he is smiling. He's lived a thousand lives... and he has tales from every part of his life.. he is intelligent and fun and helpful... and he loves me back... the only thing I don't like about him is that he's shy about instigating sex... and he's not even.. I am just so freaking eager I don't even give him the chance... but he always meets me half way... who cares who initiates? he always responds... he always appreciates... its the dumbest thing in the world to be frustrated about... and its a sure fire way to lose him.. to criticize him in his ability to love......

It's weird to see it about myself... to see how I my ego and my belief that I don't deserve love feeds into my ability to see reality as it is.... beautiful and perfect.

Last night we talked about being able to be thankful for everything from the past because if anything had been different we would not be experiencing that moment... to die from the past to live in the moment...to make peace with life in order to appreciate the current experience... one cannot live in guilt and in love.... or anger and love... or regret and love... love is gratitude... love is appreciation... love is giving and sharing....

Which leads me into another thing I noticed about my judgements when they come up... is that it separates us.... that his pleasure is my own pleasure... that by making him feel good, feel supported, feel loved and understood, gets translated into making me feel good, feeling like I am contributing to an other's life.

There was a moment a couple of days ago where I felt myself feel satisfied with being the woman who makes sure J never gives up on himself... that he has a cheerleader for as long as he needs one... that that would be an adequate function in my life.... but then that was followed with wanting what I want for my own life.... It's difficult to find the balance.... to understand how love manifests itself... and what are actions that get in the way of that love.

I feel in the end the answer is always to let go of all judgement and enjoy. To be present.... to love and be loved.. to share space and time and laughter... to relinquish all feelings of inadequacy... to jump with both feet and trust deeply so that at the very least I can experience the depths of love...


********
the night of my birthday I arrived at the bar around 1030 and J's friend said "I'm not going to shake your hand" flabbergasted I moved to the next person.... I introduced myself and then J's friend explained that she had just killed a bug and her hands were dirty... that's why she couldn't shake my hand.

an interesting introduction.

I was nervous

scared

worried

calm.

When we went back to her place I climbed up on the porch.. peered in the window and saw the reflection of a woman I would get along with. J's friend's things reflected a deep spiritual background... a sentimental person ... a curious person.

I was about to walk in and one of the men who had been with her at the bar told me that he didn't know if I was interested in such things.. but he had his tarot cards with him and would love to do my tarot for my birthday if I would be curious.

I was ecstatic... I told him how I had misplaced my own tarot cards .. I asked him if he knew about OSHO tarot cards... that I used them whenever I was going through difficulties... and that it made me sad that I couldn't find them right now. and then I saw a shooting star.

We ended staying at her house for about an hour.. and at one point I was finally alone with the woman. She was looking for a magazine she wanted to show me... I didn't know what to say so I told myself to say whatever came to my heart. I told her I knew this may be weird for her. She told me it wasn't necessarily weird but that she had chased many women away from J. that he is a really good man... and that they were all really high caliber women, so it was frustrating for her that he met me on his own...

I told her I knew that he was special and thank you for protecting him.

She asked me if I wanted something long term... that I shouldn't waste his time if I didn't. I told her I was falling in love.. that if it worked out then of course I would want that.. but that I also believe that we should let things go as they should and that when we are together we are together and when we are not.. we are not.

I told her what I told him, that I understood their relationship was unique and that if they needed to still share love then I would understand.

She told me "no we are done that."

I reiterrated that I understand that love is important to share... and just for her to know that I understood.

She told me that what they shared was teaching each other how to love themselves.

I said "thank-you"

She pulled back for a moment and looked at me... and said "ok." and shook my hand.

about 5 minutes later we went into the kitchen and she invited J to come. she turned to him and said "i like her more than I thought I would and gave him a hug."

relief. for both of us.

we headed over to the bar shortly thereafter.

I got slightly inebriated.. and at 12:30 I got to do my tarot.

I looked down and there were the OSHO tarot cards. I couldn't believe it.

The reading was different than what I had done.. he seemed to be more intuitive with the cards than I am, but I knew these cards intimately... I had followed their advice in so many occasions... in the end I don't know if the read was completely accurate.. and there were so many differing interpretations... but I think it wasn't necessarily the read.. it was the cards.. it was the fact that of all the moments, of all the cards... of all the times.... that they showed up for me on my birthday.. SERENDIPITY. I reminder that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

It's difficult to remind myself that the universe has a plan... and that when I follow my heart and allow life that all will be revealed..... that serendipity is the manifestation of being exactly where you are supposed to be at the exact right time.....

and so I am exactly where I need to be.

That J and I would never have had this happen between us unless everything had happened in precisely this way.

The most interesting thing about our relationship is that because of J's situation financially as well as with transportation and his aversion to phones... this could not have happened unless I was in this predicament... forced to allow life and love bloom, available to what ever the universe has in store.

and because of my own situation it allows him to feel useful. He even said to me last week "thank you for being in the situation you are in so I have something to give. I said the same thing back.

Because of our individual circumstances we have very little to give each other.. except love...

He gives me shelter, and food, and supports my drinking and smoking habit.... but most of all he comes up behind me and hugs me and kisses my neck when I am doing the dishes. He looks at me and smiles. He massages my back just to make me feel good when he is hugging me. He blows me kisses and never criticizes me. He appreciates me driving him to work. He makes me laugh all the time.

I told him last night that the day before I watched myself get depressed and want to hurt. Almost like I wanted my outer world to match my inner world.. that I wanted some kind of pain.... and I could see how I was craving rough sex.. that I didn't love myself in that moment and wanted the outside to prove my own belief about myself... that I was battling with the feelings that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve his love....

that in the past I would have gone towards that feeling.. but instead i went towards love.

I could see in the moment my own reflection.. that with T... his concern for not deserving me.... his worry that he would hurt me... hurt me. And that to avoid creating the same dynamic with J I had to allow love. I had to continue to allow him in.. even if I didn't feel I deserved it... I had to let him be able to give me whatever he was able to.. and not criticize him.... That I had to love him enough to not suck him into my own despair.. but rather utilize his love for me to bring me out of the space I was in... to believe him more than myself in that moment... to trust the unspoken space between us.


That's what I am really being forced to work on. Allowing... Allowing our love to grow and for our feelings for eachother to just be. To allow life and not try and control it... To learn how to be aware enough to let things be...

It is said that when the Buddha reached enlightenment it was the realization that there was nothing else to know.

What I can see is that over analysis = self awareness= self regulation = allowing no-thing-ness to exist where everything can occur.... that ultimately over analysis leads to no analysis... trust...that there is nothing to be, no where to go... nothing to do... that the space I must inhabit is inside a deep space of trust .. focusing on the moment. and flowing with life.

He told me that I am bringing dreaming back to him... that he thinks he gave up on dreaming and that I let him come out of his shell a little... that he is doing things he has never done before... like dancing in the kitchen of which we do almost every day. He is getting better too!!! It''s sooo much fun! and he said he would learn swing dancing lessons with me.

I told him I can't wait to share the world with him... I can't wait to learn about farming and all the things he knows....

The other night he went to fix the record player and instead of sitting back and doing something else I watched, asked questions and helped... it was nice to learn about circuit boards... it was fun to see him take something a part and try to fix it... it was cool to learn something new.. while also spending time together.

I saw how in my past, and in other people's relationships that when partners don't share interests they spend a lot of time away from eachother and don't get to share the other person's ingenuity... that if I had chosen to let him do it on his own I wouldn't have been able to kiss him while he tried to figure out how to fix this machine... that the opportunity allowed me to see a part of his intelligence... and it was such a turn on.

****

He told me on Monday night when I was feeling sorry for myself that he thought I should start writing again... that there would be no other time where I would have so many different emotions and time on my hands....

So here I am.. sharing my experience.

Allowing myself to reflect on my own experience... and learn more and more from my life... from love.

It's amazing to want love so much and then to be scared of the path it may take me down.... all I know is that I love this man. He makes me want to be a better person for him, for me, for us.

Ok, got to run I have to go back to my place and pack some more...

Amanda

The lesson of being present inside a relationship while everything else is falling apart.

It's interesting.. the past 3 weeks. To manage myself to remain present and enjoy the fruits of my labour while watching a all the stability I had slowly falls away...

It's as though I am watching someone else's life... watching how the person outside myself manages to only allow gratitude and appreciation to flow out of her... to watch her check herself when she is triggered, and manage her own response to the outside circumstances of her life.

On November 10, 2013 I no longer had a job, had given my notice at my place and had moved my cats to J.'s house. On 10/11/13-11/11/13 I felt deep love and acceptance of a man... I felt mirrored in the most positive ways I could dream of. I spent the night dancing in the kitchen with him to Jim Morrison on my mother's vinyl...moondance and  into the mystic.... as we held each other and mouthed the words to one another. full circle moment.

I looked at October 10, 2013 and realized that one month previously was the day I found the note in the tree and saw T for the last time. It had certainly been a month... so to find true love a month later seemed fitting. The first week J and I spent every moment we could together. Getting to know each other more and more and appreciating each other more and more...

Monday night was spent catching chickens to kill the next day... and then Tuesday happened and the chickens were released... I took J to my apartment and showed him where I lived. I am so glad that I got the chance to show him where I lived and we packed the car to take things to his house.

It was weird taking things to his house... its as though silently we had decided that I would live with him... til when? both of us had no idea... I was scared to proceed without knowing the concrete details.. or his true feelings... but I moved the things there under the premise that I would put my things in one of the other rooms in the house and whether we stayed together or not, that we would be able to share space.

Each day I drive him to work and grab a coffee, sit there checking my email for a little bit, sometimes reading.... J walks by me and winks, or throws kisses... sometimes I am reading and all I hear is a thrown kiss... We do nothing but make eye contact... we never touch each other at work and I sit back and listen to him interact with the customers.. listen to his little jokes... how hot chocolates are made with one part magic.... his branch tattoo creeping out under his short sleeve shirt.

I've never been so present with another human being and as the days shared between us build on each other, I learn more about him and myself... layer upon layer of the depth of human beings.

One week after we finally connected, I spent the night at his place while he was hanging out with his friends, he had forgotten that he had planned on meeting up with them.. one of them was a friend that he had been sleeping with occasionally... and that she would probably be the one to drop him off and I would meet her...

. it was weird to be at his place at night without him, although I had spent Monday and Wednesday during the day there.... I looked up at the clock a thousand times... every minute seemed to drag on... I forgot what it felt like to want to spend every waking minute with someone and for them to feel the same way.

I spent the night reading and spending time with myself... observing my desire to be with him and my desire for him to continue to do his own life without the need to cater to me.

He finally came home around 930... His friend did not come in.... we spent the rest of the night chatting and hanging out... it turned out that she had been..surprising to him... more upset than he had anticipated... I understood.. I have been that girl...  and I have been this girl before...

I told him that if he still needed to sleep with her, or if she still needed to sleep with him that it was fine with me.... I don't know how I would really react.. but I know that love shared between two human beings should never be thwarted... and if what we have is real.. then it would survive either of us sharing ourselves with others.

Friday was his birthday. I picked up ingredients to make dinner and anticipated a few of his friends coming by so made sure I had enough for everyone. It was the first time I really got to see him jam with his friends and watching him play the guitar was one of the hottest experiences.. he plays the guitar.. he feels the guitar as though its speaking through him.... At one point I asked him to play how he was feeling and he responded "I am".

He flows through his music and its the same feeling I feel when he is next to me.. that he plays me.. that he flows with me.

It was cute to watch him get drunk and be foolish with his friends... he apologized for getting pretty drunk...but I didn't care I made only one rule that night... you can drink all you want so long as you can still walk and carry on a conversation... I am not a babysitter... but other than that have fun!

Each day I watched how our eye contact grew. That we had similar insecurities.. that we were totally open but there was a part of our hearts that were guarded. Every night we would spend the night talking, cooking, laughing, hugging, kissing, watching movies and dancing in the kitchen.

As my 31st birthday approached I found myself struggling between despair and finding myself so grateful to the universe for allowing me to share space with this man. Its a strange place to be so thankful to the universe.... for losing phone access, Internet access, my job and my house, and ultimately quitting nursing school and having no direction anymore.

I have thought about it extensively and what I have come to see is that
if I were not in this exact situation what J. and I have would not have existed. Its that his space mirrors mine... the only difference is that he comes at it from a completely different life.

My lack of phone and Internet have forced me to only consider my own feelings... there have been a few moments where I see myself telling myself that this is crazy.. but then I see the similarities in my relationships with I and T. and I see how easy it is to run away, or logically convince myself that the love I am experiencing is irresponsible and crazy... but isn't that what love actually is?

I had just read the Alchemist again.. and in it the introduction reiterates that when following your destiny, the hardest part is to accept your worthiness.... to be seeking your whole life for something.. to find it and accept the joy and the finality that it brings... allowing a new dream to unfold... I can see myself having moments of getting way ahead of myself thinking about going out west... about being around other men that I have been sexually involved with... will I want to be monogamous? or will I want to still share space with them?

I see myself having moments of worrying about becoming complacent, getting pregnant and becoming a small farmer in this tiny little town... never adventuring far from home.... and it scares me... it scares me to settle down... and it scares me to be in a relationship where there are expectations.

But then I look into J's eyes, and I feel hug squeeze me when he hugs me and I bring myself out of my head.. into the present moment and I believe that what i feel is something I deserve to experience... that however it works out is how it will work out and that I will not sabotage this beautiful feeling for the fear of getting hurt in the future.

I see myself refusing to create any kind of tension between us. When I find myself criticising the moment in my head.. "I wish he had done this, I wish he said this.." I remind myself that this can't be rushed... that watching our connection unfold is more sacred than anything else... and that by saying something I may in fact cause him to become more self conscious and then force a worse situation... that if I like him I have to like him how he is...

re reading Anam Cara - the book Patrick gave me... it speaks of the secrets of the soul being sacred and that the worst thing one can do is shine a light directly at places that are vulnerable... through my interpretation I understand it as a reminder that our trust in another comes from feeling safe... however that is created. So I let him be. I don't criticize and believe that if our love continues to inspire him his tentativeness and romanticism will blossom from within and not because of my requests.

On Monday he told me that he was supposed to meet up with this friend of his the following night... I wasn't worried about it but was curious if he wanted me to join or not....

Tuesday morning I woke up and told him that I did not want to wake up on the morning of my birthday with him sleeping over at her house... and that I would like to meet her before the party he was going to have the following weekend.

She agreed and decided to invite a few friends in order to buffer the meeting.

I will be honest I was a little worried about this woman. I had heard from J's friend that she could be quite the terror... and she didn't like J dating.... so I asked one of J's friends D. who I had met on his birthday if he would join and drive so I could have a drink or two if it suited me.

We left around 930 and arrived at the bar around 1015. I was pretty nervous. She was sitting between to male friends and when I went to shake her hand she said "I'm not going to shake your hand"... I was shocked.. "REALLY? I was going to have to deal with this?"

ok... J is done work so I'm out.. I will continue tomorrow. :)
night.

jumping into NO-thing-ness.

So it has been a month... a month of more intensity.. more shifts, more internal awareness.... and more love.

It is a weird space to have everything in my life dissolve... I wonder if I did it to myself.. I wonder what the lesson is.. I fight with the internal dialogue of failure and fear and the invisible faith I have in something greater....

Its  a difficult thing to balance the belief that your thoughts create your reality and there is a divine plan. Does my life dissolving a result of my thoughts? or the grand scheme of life? I suppose it must be both.... as I have found a kind of love I have never experienced before.

I had always dreamed of being in a partnership where I felt completely seen and loved for who I am... I like myself... I enjoy my own company... so why would it be so difficult to find a person who enjoyed my company as much as I do.

I have reflected a lot on the personal growth I have experienced over the past two/three years.... what I learned through each and every relationship and where it has brought me... and what else I need to learn.. what this is teaching me.

I have believed that I need to become whole before I find my true partner. My whole partner.... J and I finally came together the day that I gave my 2 weeks notice at work... and my 2 month notice at my place.

My phone got cut off at the end of October and I all the methods I had planned on utilizing for income for rent fell through.. instead of fighting the circumstances I rolled with them... I accepted what was and decided that it was all pushing me to go out west and meet my biological father, Patrick. I didn't know how I was going to manage it, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept that change was inevitable and I could resist or fall in alignment.

It was three weeks ago..Thursday November 7, 2013. I had decided to leave and I had spent the few days before writing T a letter, an email... but nothing could really say what I wanted to say.. .I wanted to talk to him at the very least.. I wanted to share conversation, not just this one sided relationship I had created over the course of the past year.... that morning I got the courage and called his work number. I was surprised that when he answered and I declared myself he was calm and receptive. We spoke for about 15 minutes and he seemed to think that it was a good plan for me to head out west. I asked him if he would be available to see me before I left and he ended up sharing about some personal things that were going on with his family and said unfortunately seeing me was not on his priority lists... I told him if he reconsidered he could let me know... and if not to take care.. and he said the same thing to me...


. and that Thursday night J came into the restaurant. We had met in September. I had finally ventured across the road to the coffee shop. When I saw him working I thought he was handsome and ended up buying a book on fairies that was in the junk part of the store for 3 dollars. I remember telling him I worked across the street and had introduced myself..... He had come in a few times over the month of October.. we had had three or four conversations and every one I found him more and more interesting.... and then one night he mentioned he was going to a music night and asked if I would want to come.... I was so excited about the invite, but unfortunately I was working.... I thought about him that night... and that week... and then on the Thursday, just as I was leaving... he came in... I smiled and said "awe, I was just thinking about you."

He ordered a beer and we spent the next hour chatting. When he was about to order another I asked if he had beer at home and if it would be rude for me to invite myself to his house. He said no... but he was apprehensive and then told me that he didn't have a car. I thought there must be a story behind it, but when he didn't offer it up right away I made no issue of it and said "well then I guess you can ride ahead of me and I will follow you? and he said "well I could take my bike apart."

It was agreed and we headed to his house.

Pulling into his driveway I felt like I was home. He, like me, lives by himself about 7 km from town.. although I live 10 minutes outside of a bigger city, he lives outside a small town. The main difference? He is a farmer... I want to be.

He has chickens and ducks, dogs and a garden...

When I walked into his kitchen there was vinyl put up on the walls as decoration... and a record player sitting in the living room.

It was as though the universe was asking me to please not get rid of the vinyl mum had left me, as I had decided to do that in order to make enough money to get out west.

The night we spent just chatting about so much... getting stoned and drinking, laughing and getting to know each other. I mentioned the mobiles and instantly he was interested, brainstorming ideas... there was a moment where his enthusiasm and interest in what I am most passionate about gave way to love.

I spent the night... it was an odd decision for me... so many times in my life I had made the opposite decision... if I liked a man I would NOT sleep with him... because I was worried that I would put off the wrong impression.. but what I have learned over the course of the past year and a half is that I HAVE TO FOLLOW how I feel IN THE MOMENT.. and the moment lead to me wanting nothing more than to touch him.

I noticed anxiety had slowly crept into my space and I was incredibly fidgety.... I realized that the connection I was feeling was missing the physical contact as he didn't have a couch or anything that we sat close to each other so I was relegated to keep the space between us.

We had started to drink soon after I arrived and so the decision to stay over was already standing... but where had been the question.

We lay in bed.. chatting... and then finally I started rubbing my feet on his and he responded...

it felt like high school... and yet I had never really had a high school relationship.. I felt innocent.

I had already shared about my past.. I had told him about the blog and how many people I had slept with.... he knew my situation and he was free to decide whether he was still interested in me.

Its funny, not sleeping with T the first weekend taught me how.. without the physical connection, the emotional/spiritual connection could easily get lost... then experiencing choosing to sleep with I. from Ireland right away and experiencing the heartbreak that came with giving him my heart and trusting him so quickly and then having to let go... I had learned that I accept the future how ever it turns out and experiencing love on any level was more important than avoiding the pain of it not working out.

We made love three times that night and I drove him to work in the morning... it wasn't like what I felt with T or I. Trying to explain the difference is like describing a different flavour... but I will try.

Looking back, both of those men shared serendipity in common. There was a deep soul connection I felt with both... but the lives we were currently living were completely different.. with T. it was the similarities in our pasts, in our unique mothers...  it was how our childhood had shaped the way we look at the world and our hope for the future. I... it was the Irish accent and the serendipity around moving, it was that he brought my own mother's and my own life experience to the forefront of my mind... it made me reconnect with my longing for my father... T. created a space to appreciate my mother's uniqueness and I. did the same for me around my father.

J. is an equal in his evolution. Although he comes at his lived experience from a completely different life course... we just fit.

When he hugs me I feel like I am IN HIS ARMS. that there is no one else he would rather be next to.

He touches me the way I touch people.. like I can feel them.. like I see them... intimately its the most amazing experience.

It's been three weeks... three weeks of falling in love.. at the most stressful point in my life....

Being present is difficult when everything else seems like it needs to be handled... but it was in letting go of figuring it out that he showed up.. and I have spent the past three weeks constantly reminding myself of that..... that I have searched my whole life to feel this way and that although everything else is in chaos, the NO-thing-ness of my life is the space that can create things only out of wildest dreams.

The next day I dropped him off work and joked that in a small town we will certainly become gossip.

It didn't take long to find out that J's boss had seen us leaving the restaurant together and then saw him being dropped off the next morning by me.

Friday night he had other plans and didn't invite me, but he came by my work and before he left he gave me a little note apologizing with a P.S. I like you.

Saturday night I came into work and shortly thereafter J came in with his friend. As I went to pour a couple of pints one of the guys that worked with me had been acting weird and I asked him what was up.... all of a sudden I was accosted. As angry as someone could get he told me how much he hated me.. how horrible a human being I was and how grateful he was that I was leaving... I stood there calmly as he grimaced, put his face 6 inches from my own and told me how much he HATED me. I asked what I had done wrong and he came up with three things that I had apparently done... all of which could be readily explained and one of which I didn't even do. It was the strangest thing... and the voice in my heart just said "LEAVE".

The same Thursday that J and I reconnected... my old preceptor from one of my nursing rotations came in and asked me why I hadn't applied for a job at the local Long Term Care facility she worked at, and encouraged me to come in the next day for an interview. I had mentioned that I was planning on leaving for out west, but she told me that I at least should come in for the interview and see what happens.... maybe I would end up staying.

I went in for the interview... and when I was asked point blankly whether I was planning on staying for a while, I was honest and mentioned that I had plans on going out west eventually.. I couldn't lie..... I worried that that would prevent me from getting the job, but it was more important to not lie than to get the job I guess...

So the woman had asked if I was completely available and I said yes. So while I was being verbally accosted I felt like this was my out.. not to mention I was not interested in returning to a place where someone had spoken to me like this... had it been any other time I would have complained.. but considering I was planning on leaving anyways.. it made sense to quit... of which I did.

It was the weirdest thing to watch myself calmly decide that I no longer wanted to work there... more than money, more than respect... I felt like the verbal abuse warranted my leaving. As I stood there in front of my boss and reiterated what I had just been told and I said I don't really want to return... I started internally fighting with the idea of not having any kind of income and putting all my eggs into one basket... but it felt like a relief, it felt empowering.... although as I was talking I started back peddling and saying that if they still needed me I would work a few shifts...

I returned to J. He said later he could see how flustered I was... and when I went over that night he hugged me and told me that I would be ok. I ended up only staying for a few hours and then headed to my friend's b-day party in Oshawa. It was a wonderful day to see her and spend time with her... MAN I MISS HER.

The next day I ended up leaving early and cancelling plans because of time constraints... oddly enough I went and picked up my cats and showed up at his house in the afternoon before work. We had talked briefly about it.. but looking back it had only been 3 days.. but for some reason I trusted him.. I knew it would be ok.

That night I went to work to find my name crossed off the schedule. It was official I no longer had a job.

I returned to his house that night and walked in the kitchen and said "I hope you really like me, because now I am job-less too.. lol"

He hugged me tightly and said "it'll all work out... it always does." I spent the night with him and my cats.... totally thankful to be on a new adventure with the trust that everything would work out as it should.... repeating to him that I had to STILL go out west... that no matter what happened between us... my destiny was out west and that I couldn't just stay.....the more the time passes, the more that seems like it will be more and more emotionally difficult. But then I have spent the past 3 weeks falling in love.... and learning more and more about myself, my triggers and how I react to stress within a relationship. Its the new lessons of my life.... but that will have to wait to the next post.

I believe in my heart that it was jumping.. it was finally believing that I could take care of myself... that I had reached a space inside myself where I trust myself enough to take care of myself and ensure that I will be ok. It was inside my feeling whole... that J. showed up.. and I believe that he is here to help me complete my internal journey of growth... separate yet together... space in our togetherness. That's the new lesson....

and that everything is created out of NO-THING-NESS.
A

Full circle moments... why it all happened to me

i first want to appologize for spelling mistakes and lack of proper editing. i am writing using my phone as my computer wont turn on and i do not have enough money to acquire alternative methods of technology.

I am writing today because soon my phone will be cut off and i will not have the means to share my experience.Lately I have had so many experiences that are contributing and supporting my beliefs that their accumulation is daunting in being able to sufficiently share enough to expose my truth in a way that leaves others with sufficient tangible evidence to my reasoning... but i look at authors throughout history and somehow they were able to have the courage to sit and write their truth...and so i pull on their courage and share my own.

This blog is an interesting place for me to share this knowledge as it was started as almost a parody on my life.... a 24 year old having sexcapades and random experiences that i felt were both funny as well as educational... it has become the diary of my soul's journey and because of its history in my life it demonstrates we are never separate from our experiences. My sex life, my relatability with men, as well as drugs, drinking, partying coupled with my experiences in the other areas of my life including travelling.... demonstrate that the individual is not separate from their experience... no matter how much one tries to deny their true nature.

 i speak from lived experience...one i have had to teach myself to be proud of... in the face of judgement. It is an interesting experience being me... the evolution of my desire to expose myself and my life experience to a world that is more apt to judge than find relatability in my words i hope that ultimately my journey is an echo of all those before and after me and my ability to be courageous in the face of criticism, in a world that would rather you delete your facebook page to not expose yourself to the awareness of yourown personal journey than embrace it. I suppose it is the proverbial cross i bare...and a promise i have ultimately made with myself to be willing to stand naked in all my vulnerability in order to inspire others to do the same.

We are not perfect. That is the truth.... but we are perfect in our experience... we are perfect in that we do what we can for ourselves...for our soul's journey and like Oprah always reiterates...when we know better we do better.

This blog shows a story... one that i have struggled to own... but it has kept me honest... in fact i would have to say that my courage in sharing my experience on line... even if no one reads it has kept me honest to myself and therefor has allowed me to go deeper in my spiritual journey.

 There have been times where the fear of someone finding out this blog was written by me has scared me enough to come to it and delete sections i fear being judged over.... ultimately it has never been the judgement i fear... but rather the fear of not acquiring a job...  something I can see plagues almost everyone...and what I alluded to in my last post. I suppose with all the things happening in my life recently i have come to make peace with myself, my life and ultimately the universe... and that I have told myself that if i die tomorrow I am proud of the life i have lead... my behaviour and ultimately the legacy i will leave...however in that peace i recognize that the 30 years i have been afforded to experience life as a human being offers me a unique point of view that would be lost if i die tomorrow... and so it is now my promise to myself that I expose and document my own truth....from my perspective... in the hopes that offers a unique perspective that contributes to the dialogue and ultimately the shift in humanity that must occur if we are to save ourselves from inevitable self destruction. Brene Brown, god love her, has exposed the scientific evidence of strength and its correlation to courage. I thank her for her contribution in validating the exposure i put myself in by sharing my life experience... raw.

  I have come to see it is my ENTIRE experience that has afforded my insight and not portions of it...and so proudly share the evolution of my sould via this medium....and i hope to one day have the courage to share my name, face and the countless videos i have made about my journey and my insights... but for now... this will have to suffice my soul.

 I believe that it is our fear of sharing ourselves that leaves us sick and uncomfortably depressed. it is our fear of weakness, of empathy and of spirituality that perpetuates this behaviour and i hope that by shining a little light on my own raw experience that others can find their humanity. I digress. 


 This year has been the year of full circle moments for me.... and has most recently ended in my making peace with mother nature. A far stretch from everything I have yet written... but its easier for me to start at my most recent experiences to pave the way back in time to put all the pieces together.   A strange day 2 weeks ago...that started with finding a quote in a tree on a nature hike by seamus heaney who wrote a poem on Beowulf that i shared on this blog in thr audio'poetry of self compassion'. it is an image that i have recited in my head over and over again throughout the year...that it seemed fitting for the universe to remind me of it.  Although sharing the entire experience of the past two weeks seems rather daunting when everyday seems to expose new growth in my soul...i will attempt to share the most important aspects. i knew the poem by seamus heaney...before i knew what the original was about...but in summarizing both they explore an idea that is being illuminated throughout the world right now. In the original, from what i understand...Grendle the siren is killing all the men of the village and it is beowulf that is sent to kill the siren.... that he is successful and is given riches and the crown...seamus heaney's version and subsequently its presentation in the audio file i came to listen to exposes grendle as the parts of ourselves we fear. That if we ultimately face our fears and make peace with those not-so-nice parts of ourselves that we can become our own hero. Stretching it a little further i saw that the juxtaposition of bothbpieces of work expose a deep struggle faced all over the world... that grendle is in fact the feminine traits of a man who feels vulnerability and emotional exposure is weakness.. that by killing off the feminine power and riches will be his...but in makingbpeace with her...he becomes whole and his own hero. Written by men it makes sense that the allusion to the feminine is apparent but exchanging the two characters in their sexes could also be true of our inner desire as women to stave off our masculine traits.

It has been difficult for me to sort through all my feelings and thoughts tgrough this journey to be able to properly articulate it.... but this is my attempt.    it is this body of knowledge that i have explored my inner being coupled with all the experiences and acquired knowledge in other areas.... it is difficult to expose it all as their are so many facets and tangents that i fear i will lose you, the reader.... but if i am successful than i hope to share what has broughy me peace in the hopes that my journey can be replicated...and if my ultimate desire to reach enlightenment is ascertained there is some evidence that i am no different than any other human being and my journey is a tangible experience.     Thebpoetry on self compassion exposed that it was a HUMAN experience to hide the parts of us we dont like from ourselves...and that if we are to ultimately become whole we have to be willing to let go of the judgement... not only stop caring about what others think of us... but to let go of the judgements of ourselves. That the only way to do that is to make peace with them.... which ultimately requires stripping ourselves ..myself from duality...ironically one of the teachibgs to enlightenment is the letting go of the dualistic mind and functioning from a singular heart. hmm.  so throughout the past year much of my intrrnal reflection has been on what parts of others and ultimately myself i judge. Money, health and my ty Money and health are still waiting to be addressed in my world...but i can attest that all three are intertwined... i believe the body has an inate ability to function at an optimal level and if its been supported and the individually is mentally sound the body will be able to keep disease and illness at bay. And so my practice in both of those areas is to avoid beating myself up for lack in both areas committed in figuring myself out...and believing that once the others are sorted health and financial abundance will be the ultimate result of that...i digress.

It has been an interesting journey growing up as a girl and turning into a woman...learning about the plight of women around the ......watching my own mothers journey and finally being old enough to look at my own. I think what affords me the ability to have this opinion is my experience as an only child to a single mother who was spiritually free and 50 years ahead of her time. She taught me that god is love...and that my journey was mine to take...wherever that took me....that i must stay true to my heart... something i have seen is verbally, physically and emotionally beaten out of children and so very few are even aware of their hearts desire.


In going through this journey my sexuality has been thr most trying of all my behaviours that has tried my own judgements of myself...and this blog has played a significant role in that realization. My role as a woman and my desire to be in a healthy relationship....and ultimately be a mom...
 When my mother got cancer she refused to do any sort of traditional treatment...she had heard of 'the new medicine' out of germany where adoctor and his wife had gotten cancer shortly after their son had died...which lead to the hypothesis that physical wellbeing was tied to mental wellbeing. The doctors had subsequently studied 40,000cases world wide and it was gheir conclusion that indeed each cancer was tied to trauma that hadnt been healed....my mother didnt want anyone to interfere with her desire to follow her alternative beliefs...and so i was asked to keep her cancer and impending death to myself.....which in hindsight i can understand but it took an enormous emotional tole on me..alone through the experience.

I remember her saying to me at one point 'i am putting my life on the line for what i believe in'.... now i can see that her life, her beliefs, and her death were in fact the gifts she gave me....and have steared the course of my life to here.. that it was through her sacrifice that i know what i know now. Each layer of my experience exposes itself gradually and the pieces are finally all coming together....but 30 years is difficult to summarize.

5 months after i found out my mother had a lump in her breast...she died in front of me while we sang kumbaya and waited til she breathed her last breath. I sang two other songs for her that day....always self conscious about my voice i knew it made her happy. Leaving on a jet plane and i will remember you. both songs of which i have avoided listening to since that day....it has only been in the past month that i can listen to them again....making peace with my life.

My mother believed her cancer was manifested becase she never dealt with her sister dying when she was a teenager nor had she dealt with the anger around my father not being around.... she believed the spread of bone cancer was the feeling of lack of support and the lung cancer was the breath of life...the fear of death.... and then she died. This year i had to ask myself if i believed what i saw to be true despite the fact that she died....and if her beliefs were true or not. 10 years of inquiry has lead me to believe that what i saw happened and yes, what she believed was atleast mostly true...although there still are questions....i feel i have accumulated enough knowledge....evidence that i can state my support. My mother died at home with no pajn killers.... she meditated herself through her pain. She believed that she had to deal with her shit in order to survive....and to her that required a deep relationship with her internal self. We didnt talk much abou it...but i remember the nurse being confused when she couldnt find any crackling in my mothers lungs and full air entry the week before she died......mum claimed she no longer had pain in her legs of which she had had for almost a year fro  the bone cancer and the lump in hrr breast had moved to the surface.....of which the new medicine suggested is what happens when thr body is ridding itself of the disease and toxins it has accumulated....i saw all this....but she still died and so i was put on a course...unconscious to me of whether i trully believed her. A question that if i look back on my wholenlife i was in constant question of because of the criticism i constantly saw, heard and experienced as her daughter.


Abraham Hicks says we need to live in a contrasting environment to know what we want...to know who we are and that it is our choice. To recognize that my journey has been whether i want to embrace the life i was exposed to as a child..i had always had a critical eye ensuring i would be able to defend my stance...
 To be exposed to a truth so radical at 20 i have sought knowledge on all fronts.....a journey of self discovery...of letting the fear of judgement go and exposing the very root of myself to myself in order to figure out the truth... and ultimately with the desire to live a long properous life.... and chnge the world. i forget who said itm... i think perhaps Gandi...but that if you want to change the world you have to start with yourself..... which leads me back to finding the poem in the tree.


 i didnt look at the poem for the rest of the day...we left it in the tree but had taken a picture of it and my phone was in my friends backpack...looking back on the day i had inadvertantly lived the poem in my own adventures which brought a sort of ceremony to the whole experience. it was a poem inevitably about rebirth and that day i felt reborn.....except of course the money and health but that is the next part of the journey. Running water never dissapointed...crossing water always furthered something ...stepping stones are stations of the soul.

The day was an interesting journey for my feminine self...i came to see that i equate adventure into nature with having the need of a man to feel  safe....subtleties in my behaviour slowly exposed myself to this inner fear. I drank from a running brook out of an underground river... the brook flowed into a larger river of which i decided to explore but the boys i was with didnt want to. I felt myself frustrated and scared to do it on my own...but in the self awareness illistened to the desire of my heart to face my fear..  and recognize i could never be whole if i was always following a man. i dont know the word...where the journey is an allusion to the greater plights in life.

i ended up finding a clearing a little firther down the river bank where it opened up nd the sun lit up thebother side as though the flat rock were beckoning me to cross again. this time there were no stepping stones.bthe water was cold nd clear and up to my waist.... i had never crossed water wi  thout a man before...or anyone for that matter. i always have had a deep fear of falling... something i think my mother didnt help by being overly concerned when i fell as a kid. I
I debated walking back along the river bank and coming at it from the other side... but i knew it was in crossing it... in doing it despite the fear that would lead to something more... and so i took off my shoes and my socks, rolled up my pants and carefully crossed... recitingbover andbover in my head... i will not fall... i will be fine.I got my friend to take a picture of me standing in the middle... the sun gleaming on me as though it were congratulating me... my facial expression says it all... the humour the universe has in making sure my friend took his sweet ass time...so that i was standing there in the middle...forced to breathe in the moment.

 when i arrived at the other side i was barefoot and so i went on my own adventure through the forest.... following my heart. After about an hour and exploring...i finally started to get scared that i was lost. the second i felt concern one of the boys showed up and told me the path was only a short distance a way.... clearly the universe was taking care.

Throughout the day T. was constantly in my psyche. In fact he had been there headily since the night before when i came out of an after party to realize i was 4 houses down from where he lived. Drunk, stoned and alone..having been left by the girl whose house i was going to crash at but who had picked up.... i was vulnerable and my longing was bubbling up.For the past two months when ever he comes up in my head space i constantly tell myself to be my own longing...something i had heard through all my reading... the need for belonging...is the need for yourself... be-your-own-longing.

 I had never called anyone to come get me after the bar... i had never really had anyone 
 to call... but i had made this friend last winter... our relationship had started on our relatability with the opposite sex and he is the only person who knows almost the whole story of T. i texted him to ask if he was awake.... he responded and i called. crying about T. I asked him to please come get me. On his way over i had walked to T's house.... the sidewalk running outside his house... i couldnt even pass the threshold of property... as though even being there was a violation of his space. i stood outside looking at the house... feeling as though he was so close yet he could have been on the opposite side of the world.... for all my heart could feel. That a year of sharing my feelings had pushed him as far away from me as possible.... i had written a letter to him the week before sharing a similar realization... that pushing him further away brought me closer to myself.... i stood therelooking at his house in the light of the street light and said goodbye.I wrote a message to him that night that i chose not to spend... and the next morning i cried at my friend's house about how difficult it os to let someone go and love them anyways.... so in the forest that day he was there... with me... me looking at why i still felt this way after sooo long. I stood under the trees and promised myself that if i ran into him again i would thank him. That it had been his ability to let me share myself with him...without reacting...by creating the space for me to converse with myself and explore myself had brought me tobthis deep point of being able to see my engrained desire to find a man to feel safe. I also vowed to share that my insight had lead me to believe that a story he had told me about getting stuck in the woods at dusk with no food or water and of strangers showing up was not a lesson in being prepared as he had stated but rather a lesson in that thebuniverse provides when you follow your heart.
 The end of the day anything that came up that triggered me i let go of... i just allowed the day to happen... and at one point found myself in an apartment looking directly over to the bar i had been at the night before.... i felt my heart telling me to go again.... something i thought was odd considering the night before. as i went to leave my phone hadnt been charged.. so instead of getting upset i stayed longer... finally, 3 hours later everyone parted and i found myself walking to the bar.... only to run into a girl i had met the previous week who had ironically been invited that day but had not been able to go. I told her i had a crazy day and i would like to share it.... she was curious... so i did. i got about half way through the story when she got tired and left... my friend had joined... and so we finally made it over to the bar i had been at thr night before.... as i walked up... two men were leaving and i knew before he even turned around.

 I breathed... smiled and as our eyes caught eachothers... i said'of course im seeing you today'. he responded with 'what does that mean'

' i just had the most incredible day in the forest and it would be fitting that i would run into you at the end of it' i laughed.

I looked over to my friend and said 'this is T... T. T.' just to make sure he made the connection.... that he could vouch for the serendipity of it all. They shook hands... this was the first time any of my friends was meeting him... that he was real. I proceeded to tell T about the day...the shortest version... and in the end concluded that i had become accutely aware that I feared nature...that i always had felt like i needed a man to protect me... he was surprised. 'why would you fear nature? its MOTHER nature Amanda.'

 "i dont know"
  
n" so
 that you have realized that are you now going to make peace with her?''
yes' i responded. Our conversation was calm...and i finally got the courage to tell him what i had been thinking all day. to thank him. To share my deep gratitude with him. He responded by asking me what else he could have done... and i said'you could have been mean' he said'im not a mean person and i said'i know.. thats why im greatful'. My friend had dissapeared during the conversation and had watched from afar only appearing to show him the picture of me in the middle of the river. perfect. I also told him of what i thought the lesson was about the story he had told me the second night we had met... patience he had interjected and when i told him what his original answer was he was surprised.  He finally told me he had to go and i asked if i could hug him good bye. he agreed and while we were finally sharing a real hug i thanked him again. I wanted to say i love you....but the fear was too strong. He hugged my friend and as he walked away i yelled after him. 'T.''yes''you know i love you right?'' yes i do.' he left and we went inside. at the table we sat at my friend found his card. thankful that that wasnt all i got of him that night...satisfied to know that i would have found it regardless...    Two days later i fohnd myself driving hone for a night with my family for thnksgiving...i had been non stop thinking about T. the auspicion of it all and the questiom he had posed. almost home i texted the number on the card i found and shared that i think how we are going to change the world is by being able to become whole.... a few moments later i had my answer... i am scared of nature because i grew up in the city... my mother had been my relationship to the city and my step dad had represented nature... that coupled with the loss of trust of my mother as i became a teenager...along with barely being mentioned in the will...i had lost my trust in mothers... and as i drove down our road my heart told me to go to the rock i had spent my childhood going to as a kid when things were difficult at home. a place i hadnt been since probably the age of 16... which prompted an entirely new journey...one to be left for another time.
 I made peace with nature that night... reminding myself that the cosmos that had created the day in the woods and of T. of always making surr everything worked out...was also the cosmos of nature...of the animals and the fear i felt was a mirror to the fear that nature feels.

 Like everything the emotion needs strengthening and over the past week my ability to trust the universe has dissapated as i get closer and loserto the end of the month.... the lack of sufficient income instills a deep fearthat trumps my trust.... sonething i am working on... but the experience still lives in me.... along with three other nights i have since spent in the moon light. That my mothers death happened for me to learn how to heal myself of the pain in order to become whole.... the journey continues.


As for T. i texted him a few times as strange things were happening to me... and asked him to join me on a couple occasions with no response. I was surprised that his sense of adventure and  peace making hadnt prompted his curiosity.... but alas. i guess we are still on different journeys and i cant suppose to know when we will find ourselves in eachothers space again. I still miss him....and there are moments that i long to touch him and hold him and share space with him... but if he is my perfect match... I still have a ways to go until i am completely whole...and so must trust the journey....and if he isn't... well the journey is still the same... knowing that i am fine on my own...and that the universe is constantly supporting me... that my mother died for me to becone accutely aware of how any issues you have about yourself or your life can manifest thrmselves and the only way to avoid the calamity of physical illness is to deal with your shit. T. by being who he is.... has allowed me to explore the attachment i have to being in a relationship... and the parts of my being i still have to work on. By allowing life and learning to not judge it but accept the ebb and flow, the rise and fall...i am allowing life to flow through me... giving it the space to create a masterpiece with my life. i know the destination cannot be guaranteed... but the journey of letting go of what i think'should be' is allowimg far greater happiness and peace... and maybe i had to remain poor so i could prove that happiness always comes from within.My dream now is to have a pink jeep and on one side write'just breathe, just believe, just be'... on the other side say 'keep dreaming' and drive across the country sharing my story of how i had a dream to meet my dad.... and a dream to know myself....and both were coming true.... so here's to hoping. sweet dreams. xoxo


Also to be noted is that the day of the photo and of T was 10•10•13. the day spent making peace in the dark was 10•13•13.... how fitting.