jumping into NO-thing-ness.

So it has been a month... a month of more intensity.. more shifts, more internal awareness.... and more love.

It is a weird space to have everything in my life dissolve... I wonder if I did it to myself.. I wonder what the lesson is.. I fight with the internal dialogue of failure and fear and the invisible faith I have in something greater....

Its  a difficult thing to balance the belief that your thoughts create your reality and there is a divine plan. Does my life dissolving a result of my thoughts? or the grand scheme of life? I suppose it must be both.... as I have found a kind of love I have never experienced before.

I had always dreamed of being in a partnership where I felt completely seen and loved for who I am... I like myself... I enjoy my own company... so why would it be so difficult to find a person who enjoyed my company as much as I do.

I have reflected a lot on the personal growth I have experienced over the past two/three years.... what I learned through each and every relationship and where it has brought me... and what else I need to learn.. what this is teaching me.

I have believed that I need to become whole before I find my true partner. My whole partner.... J and I finally came together the day that I gave my 2 weeks notice at work... and my 2 month notice at my place.

My phone got cut off at the end of October and I all the methods I had planned on utilizing for income for rent fell through.. instead of fighting the circumstances I rolled with them... I accepted what was and decided that it was all pushing me to go out west and meet my biological father, Patrick. I didn't know how I was going to manage it, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept that change was inevitable and I could resist or fall in alignment.

It was three weeks ago..Thursday November 7, 2013. I had decided to leave and I had spent the few days before writing T a letter, an email... but nothing could really say what I wanted to say.. .I wanted to talk to him at the very least.. I wanted to share conversation, not just this one sided relationship I had created over the course of the past year.... that morning I got the courage and called his work number. I was surprised that when he answered and I declared myself he was calm and receptive. We spoke for about 15 minutes and he seemed to think that it was a good plan for me to head out west. I asked him if he would be available to see me before I left and he ended up sharing about some personal things that were going on with his family and said unfortunately seeing me was not on his priority lists... I told him if he reconsidered he could let me know... and if not to take care.. and he said the same thing to me...


. and that Thursday night J came into the restaurant. We had met in September. I had finally ventured across the road to the coffee shop. When I saw him working I thought he was handsome and ended up buying a book on fairies that was in the junk part of the store for 3 dollars. I remember telling him I worked across the street and had introduced myself..... He had come in a few times over the month of October.. we had had three or four conversations and every one I found him more and more interesting.... and then one night he mentioned he was going to a music night and asked if I would want to come.... I was so excited about the invite, but unfortunately I was working.... I thought about him that night... and that week... and then on the Thursday, just as I was leaving... he came in... I smiled and said "awe, I was just thinking about you."

He ordered a beer and we spent the next hour chatting. When he was about to order another I asked if he had beer at home and if it would be rude for me to invite myself to his house. He said no... but he was apprehensive and then told me that he didn't have a car. I thought there must be a story behind it, but when he didn't offer it up right away I made no issue of it and said "well then I guess you can ride ahead of me and I will follow you? and he said "well I could take my bike apart."

It was agreed and we headed to his house.

Pulling into his driveway I felt like I was home. He, like me, lives by himself about 7 km from town.. although I live 10 minutes outside of a bigger city, he lives outside a small town. The main difference? He is a farmer... I want to be.

He has chickens and ducks, dogs and a garden...

When I walked into his kitchen there was vinyl put up on the walls as decoration... and a record player sitting in the living room.

It was as though the universe was asking me to please not get rid of the vinyl mum had left me, as I had decided to do that in order to make enough money to get out west.

The night we spent just chatting about so much... getting stoned and drinking, laughing and getting to know each other. I mentioned the mobiles and instantly he was interested, brainstorming ideas... there was a moment where his enthusiasm and interest in what I am most passionate about gave way to love.

I spent the night... it was an odd decision for me... so many times in my life I had made the opposite decision... if I liked a man I would NOT sleep with him... because I was worried that I would put off the wrong impression.. but what I have learned over the course of the past year and a half is that I HAVE TO FOLLOW how I feel IN THE MOMENT.. and the moment lead to me wanting nothing more than to touch him.

I noticed anxiety had slowly crept into my space and I was incredibly fidgety.... I realized that the connection I was feeling was missing the physical contact as he didn't have a couch or anything that we sat close to each other so I was relegated to keep the space between us.

We had started to drink soon after I arrived and so the decision to stay over was already standing... but where had been the question.

We lay in bed.. chatting... and then finally I started rubbing my feet on his and he responded...

it felt like high school... and yet I had never really had a high school relationship.. I felt innocent.

I had already shared about my past.. I had told him about the blog and how many people I had slept with.... he knew my situation and he was free to decide whether he was still interested in me.

Its funny, not sleeping with T the first weekend taught me how.. without the physical connection, the emotional/spiritual connection could easily get lost... then experiencing choosing to sleep with I. from Ireland right away and experiencing the heartbreak that came with giving him my heart and trusting him so quickly and then having to let go... I had learned that I accept the future how ever it turns out and experiencing love on any level was more important than avoiding the pain of it not working out.

We made love three times that night and I drove him to work in the morning... it wasn't like what I felt with T or I. Trying to explain the difference is like describing a different flavour... but I will try.

Looking back, both of those men shared serendipity in common. There was a deep soul connection I felt with both... but the lives we were currently living were completely different.. with T. it was the similarities in our pasts, in our unique mothers...  it was how our childhood had shaped the way we look at the world and our hope for the future. I... it was the Irish accent and the serendipity around moving, it was that he brought my own mother's and my own life experience to the forefront of my mind... it made me reconnect with my longing for my father... T. created a space to appreciate my mother's uniqueness and I. did the same for me around my father.

J. is an equal in his evolution. Although he comes at his lived experience from a completely different life course... we just fit.

When he hugs me I feel like I am IN HIS ARMS. that there is no one else he would rather be next to.

He touches me the way I touch people.. like I can feel them.. like I see them... intimately its the most amazing experience.

It's been three weeks... three weeks of falling in love.. at the most stressful point in my life....

Being present is difficult when everything else seems like it needs to be handled... but it was in letting go of figuring it out that he showed up.. and I have spent the past three weeks constantly reminding myself of that..... that I have searched my whole life to feel this way and that although everything else is in chaos, the NO-thing-ness of my life is the space that can create things only out of wildest dreams.

The next day I dropped him off work and joked that in a small town we will certainly become gossip.

It didn't take long to find out that J's boss had seen us leaving the restaurant together and then saw him being dropped off the next morning by me.

Friday night he had other plans and didn't invite me, but he came by my work and before he left he gave me a little note apologizing with a P.S. I like you.

Saturday night I came into work and shortly thereafter J came in with his friend. As I went to pour a couple of pints one of the guys that worked with me had been acting weird and I asked him what was up.... all of a sudden I was accosted. As angry as someone could get he told me how much he hated me.. how horrible a human being I was and how grateful he was that I was leaving... I stood there calmly as he grimaced, put his face 6 inches from my own and told me how much he HATED me. I asked what I had done wrong and he came up with three things that I had apparently done... all of which could be readily explained and one of which I didn't even do. It was the strangest thing... and the voice in my heart just said "LEAVE".

The same Thursday that J and I reconnected... my old preceptor from one of my nursing rotations came in and asked me why I hadn't applied for a job at the local Long Term Care facility she worked at, and encouraged me to come in the next day for an interview. I had mentioned that I was planning on leaving for out west, but she told me that I at least should come in for the interview and see what happens.... maybe I would end up staying.

I went in for the interview... and when I was asked point blankly whether I was planning on staying for a while, I was honest and mentioned that I had plans on going out west eventually.. I couldn't lie..... I worried that that would prevent me from getting the job, but it was more important to not lie than to get the job I guess...

So the woman had asked if I was completely available and I said yes. So while I was being verbally accosted I felt like this was my out.. not to mention I was not interested in returning to a place where someone had spoken to me like this... had it been any other time I would have complained.. but considering I was planning on leaving anyways.. it made sense to quit... of which I did.

It was the weirdest thing to watch myself calmly decide that I no longer wanted to work there... more than money, more than respect... I felt like the verbal abuse warranted my leaving. As I stood there in front of my boss and reiterated what I had just been told and I said I don't really want to return... I started internally fighting with the idea of not having any kind of income and putting all my eggs into one basket... but it felt like a relief, it felt empowering.... although as I was talking I started back peddling and saying that if they still needed me I would work a few shifts...

I returned to J. He said later he could see how flustered I was... and when I went over that night he hugged me and told me that I would be ok. I ended up only staying for a few hours and then headed to my friend's b-day party in Oshawa. It was a wonderful day to see her and spend time with her... MAN I MISS HER.

The next day I ended up leaving early and cancelling plans because of time constraints... oddly enough I went and picked up my cats and showed up at his house in the afternoon before work. We had talked briefly about it.. but looking back it had only been 3 days.. but for some reason I trusted him.. I knew it would be ok.

That night I went to work to find my name crossed off the schedule. It was official I no longer had a job.

I returned to his house that night and walked in the kitchen and said "I hope you really like me, because now I am job-less too.. lol"

He hugged me tightly and said "it'll all work out... it always does." I spent the night with him and my cats.... totally thankful to be on a new adventure with the trust that everything would work out as it should.... repeating to him that I had to STILL go out west... that no matter what happened between us... my destiny was out west and that I couldn't just stay.....the more the time passes, the more that seems like it will be more and more emotionally difficult. But then I have spent the past 3 weeks falling in love.... and learning more and more about myself, my triggers and how I react to stress within a relationship. Its the new lessons of my life.... but that will have to wait to the next post.

I believe in my heart that it was jumping.. it was finally believing that I could take care of myself... that I had reached a space inside myself where I trust myself enough to take care of myself and ensure that I will be ok. It was inside my feeling whole... that J. showed up.. and I believe that he is here to help me complete my internal journey of growth... separate yet together... space in our togetherness. That's the new lesson....

and that everything is created out of NO-THING-NESS.
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