Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 3/when it starts paying off

He just says it comes down to hope.. and if there is no hope we are miserable...

There was a moment last year where I was almost fighting with my boyfriend and my cousin... about that we are turning a new leaf that we need to care about other people, even the poeple in Africa, the poor, the incarcarated.. that we need to realie we are all the same... they were arguing that we are not all the same... and I couldn't articulate my point... because well, I guess for me it just makes sense.. I don't know how to explain it.. it just IS in my world....

we talked about humanity fucking up the eaerth and ourselves... and I always say that I have hope that we will all be able to finally turn a leaf and believe.. believe in ourselves and in eachother.. and make changes that we need to make in order to survive and prosper.... after much discussion I finally said.. it is hope.. I have to have hope, because at the end of the day, why would I even try if there was no hope.

I believe in cycles. I believe that your life is cycles.. cycles of the same thing until you break free.. and I have noticed being self reflective since very young that I could never see what I needed to change until I could see the pattern.... because it is not a harmful thing until you continue to choose the same pattern expecting a different result... and that is how I stopped sleeping with men. I realized that it was the pattern in my life.. sleeping with a guy, thinking that he was going to realie how awesome I am, and want to be with me... when I realized it wasn't that I was going to the bar a few nights a week, and sleeping with men that didn't really care for me... that I was the KIND OF PERSON that would do that.... that's when I realized that I no longer wanted to be that person. I wanted to be someone who valued themselves more than that. So through the action was the feeling.

Only through doing it did I feel like I could.

I remember when I realied that the decision wasn't temporary.. that I had to make the decision for ever.... that was so scary for me... because I was scared, I was scared that I would never have sex again. That I could never find that man... I didn't even know what that A.looked like. But making that decision changed everything. I told the universe that I wanted more and I deserved more... and I got more. By changing my actions. I got what I wanted. .. by saying enough to that which I was addicted to.

It would be interesting to re read this blog from that time and see what I was really feeling.. because of all the times in my life I think I documented that relatively well....

So in this moment I really want to share something big in my life.. something I haven't even really been able to digest... well there are actually two things that I haven't really sat down with myself to feel.. to understand... so this may be as good a time as any. .. never mind... I'll share it later....I'll keep watching the show first.

Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes part 2

He just said that he feels that what you think is working against you is working for you... I find that very true about J... that everytime I feel like he is hurting me.. that he doesn't understand me.. that I should cut and run... we somehow navigate our way through the pain.. talk.. and come out on the other side stronger than before. We have faced alot with eachother over the past year.. and I have had to face my deepest feelings about myself.. and in the end I have had to stand up for my choices, stand up for me, and through telling him that who I am is the product of my past.. I've had to say the same thing to myself.. and every step is bringing me closer to myself.... its the weirdest thing...

In the past year I have learned how to stand up for myself, that what I see and what I hear I can trust, that I can trust my feelings, and trust myself. That I believe in alternative health, even if I don't fully understand it, that the fact that I slept with so many men doesn't equate my worth.. that it was the result of what I was going through and it was my LIFE... I chose that life...

I believe when I am older.. it will all make sense. That all the components of my life will start matching up... they already are starting to. and that the things that I have chosen for myself, particularily promiscuous sex, staying with a man who didn't care for me the way I deserved, travelling the world, my mother's death, my upbringing, my lack of a father... all my schooling... all th choices i have made will somehow come together... so long as I keep listening to my heart.

Oprah's Life class : Bishop T. D. Jakes

I'm just starting to watch the oprah lifeclass with Bishop T.D. Jakes. I should start by saying that when I heard about the life class last year I was so excited, but it wasn't until this year that I finally started to watch it... mainly because my friend who had cut me out of her life last year came back... and it made me feel very confident in that I know what I am doing.. and that I do not waste my love.

So she's back, and she told me about the life class and it got me soo excited. So I watched the first episode at her house... and it resonated at my very core.

I've always felt that Oprah was put on this planet to help people see the truth..

I don't think I realized what that truth was until today when she said that she believes that everyone is worth the same... that's trully how I have felt at my very core... sometimes my behaviour doesn't reflect that.. and my desire to fit in, to be liked stops me from behaviour true to who I am.. but the older I get and the closer to myself I get the more I find the truth in that...

Something happened this past week.. and for the first time in my life, when someone came to complain about someone... I showed them the other side... so that both of my friends could make amends... now I know there is still something I have to work on because when one of the girls got mad and felt that I betrayed her I was angry... because I couldn't believe that she wouldn't be fair and understand that I wasn't doing anything vindictively.. I was doing what was right.

So Oprah... I've always looked up to her... when I was younger I thought I wanted to be her... I love talking to people, helping people and showing them the truth...

So here I am.. watching this show and Bishop T.D. Jakes talks about a purpose being the very thing that would make sense considering ALLLLLLLL the things that have happened in your life... that everything from our faults to our strengths... they all fit into something.. and the only way to find that is to not RESIST.... to flow with what life gives you...

I think that I have never been able to articulate what it is that I do.. but even in my darkest times.. I NEVER lost sight of listening... it is a weird time to look back.. because I still followed the whispers... there was a time there where I got a little lost.. but I think that in and of itself was something I had to go through... see the people that would be there for me. hmm..

anyways.. I listened to the whispers and I followed them.. and although all of this doesn't make any sense... it seems like I resist.. but not too badly... lol... and everytime that I come up against something that is really difficult I always say.. this is happening for a reason.. there is something here for you to learn.. it took a long time for me to start seeing myself for who I really am... and I still find myself scared... scared to recognize how much love I trully have in my heart.... wow.... that's what it is... I'm scared to see how much love I have... and the only people that make me mad in life are superficial people who can't see the truth... and I love them too.

So.... so far... I haven't gotten through much yet... but... so far when I think about whether I am following my purpose I feel like.. yes I have to be.... because not 2 months ago I was talking to my friend, a woman I have known since I was born. There are 3 of us, Ki, Kristen and myself. Our mother's were best friends. Each of us has had similar and different lives. we all have never gone to the same school until we all decided to go to the same university, where we all took International Development. In first year each one of us was in an alternative residence, Ki in eco house, Kristen in Arts house and me in International House. We lived in the same city, but still hung out from time to time. We have maintained our friendship for 29 years.. always in different places... sometimes not talking forever.. but always close. Ki and I were talking and we were talking about her mom, and she asked if I had known that her mom had been in foster care when she was young and I said no. We agreed it was really interesting that she is a social worker and that's what she does everyday.. work with children in foster care. I thought, isn't that interesting, Kristen's dad was an imigrant, and she was just promoted to head that Immigration Services devision of the YMCA. And, me... my mother was the one who KNEW about alternative therapies... and here I am, fighting.. lol with all my might... naw... here I am, embracing the fact that I was born to be in health care... I feel in my bones that my ultimate calling is to create a union between alternative and traditional therapies... the thing is I got to get crackalacking if I'm going to fulfill that purpose.. and the quest is so daunting. I feel like if I really wanted to fulfill my purpose it would be to completely delve into this education and spend no other moments of my life than learning everything I can about health, and alternative health... find out the FACTS. LEARN the TRUTH. it's funny... I've had that feeling, but writing it down on paper is a completely different thing (it's weird how uncomfortable it is to say paper... doesn't sound the same to say 'but typing it out on the screen'... not the same... I digress)

I feel it in my soul.. that I am smart enough that I could maybe even pull it off... but I'm scared.. I'm scared to be wrong.. I'm scared ...hmm.. I'm scared of the truth, and of that not alligning with my beliefs... lol... well that's weird... then there's this voice in me that says, yes but then atleast you'll find out the truth.. and really.. HOW SCARY IS THAT? then you will know..and more than likely you will learn that you are right, and FINALLY You wll have the evidence that you need to know that you are right... and your mom was right... and you trully are of value even if you took an interesting road to get there...

I truly believe that your life does exactly what it is supposed to do... and even though I have struggles it has been through all my struggles that I found my way here... and if I hadn't been through everything... well I wouldn't be a good nurse.

It's how I feel about J... that we all try to rush our futures, but the universe gives us exactly what we need to learn.. and who am I to say I know what I want... I want to grow, and that is exactly what I have. The trick is... figuring out what it is you are meant to learn. Every situation has a lesson if you are willing to look... and everytime you want to change you have to understand the conversation will happen a few times til the shift completely happens... we all fall back into the same pattern.. its cause we know what we know.. and we don't listen to the internal voice enough... we get inspired, and excited, and then we talk ourselves out of it.. we tell ourselves we can't because of a thousand excuses... so don't worry... but I have.. in my experiences learned a trick... any consistent complaint you have.... is something to look at. Anything that you notice in other people.. the thing that drives you crazy about someone else is something inside of you that may want to be free.

Every human being has EVERY componant of being human in them. We are all capable of everything... it is our hearts that keep us on track. our heads get scared. our hearts know.

I always tell myself... anytime i do something that scares me... when I am older will I regret doing this... or regret not doing this... and when I say I'll regret not doing it... when it scares me the most.. I always try to do it... there still are quite a few things that I still can't get to that point about... but its a trick I have tried to implement in my life and when I use it... it has always been something i never regret.

ok.. well that was an ineresting stream of thought.. back to the class.

Why I have low self esteem

There is so much that has happened.. like always when I go into hiding. I realize I go into hiding when I am worried that what I share may come back and hurt someone I love.. the truth of what I feel and what I think.. well I never want to hurt people... so the fact that honesty hurts... and that I am honest to a fault... can sincerely hurt.. and so I try to keep things just to me... just in case, one day one of my friends sees this.. I never want them to feel betrayed...

Over the past 4 months, why I haven't been sharing.. and been honest is because I have been working through a lot of things with my boyfriend.. and I never want to make him feel embarrassed... so its difficult for me to actually share what's going on and what I am learning.. and how I am learning it.. because its so intertwined with his life that I don't want it to hurt him....

So here I am.... so much has happened.. and I am learning sooooo much about myself and my life.. and I can't explain everything.. obviously cause there is too much.. but I am going to try...

I have low self esteem because I see the TRUTH.... and I SEE why people are the way they are... I see it.. and I'm now realizing they don't... not only do they not see they're own behaviour.. but they don't even look at themselves.. they go through life thinking its other people.... and have a difficult time looking inwards and seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of themselves...

so here I am... here I come with the TRUTH... and when I share it... when I tell... I'm wrong... I'm hurtful... I'm mean... I'm selfish.. I'm too sensitive.. I'm uncaring... I don't know what I am talking about...

The TRUTH is so difficult... not because it is.. but because as soon as we know... we can change.. and change is scary so we try to pretend that everyone else is wrong so that WE don't HAVE TO CHANGE.

I try to be a better person everyday.. I try to look at myself and be responsible for myself.... and find who I am in the chaos of everything else in my life.. inside of my story and all the stories I have told myself I am trying to find myself.. and what I am realizing is WHO I AM... WHO I REALLY AM.. is someone who SEES the TRUTH.. but I don't like to fight.... IRONIC!


Who I am is someone who can see your HUMANITY.. and forgive all our faults.. that's just who I AM... I understand completely...

SO.. when people get mad at me.. and feel hurt by me I feel like I am bad and wrong and that what I am doing is wrong.. but the problem I have never seen before is that is not what I DO.. it's truly WHO I AM.

So... that leaves me always scared.. and so I don't feel fully self expressed... because obviously if I was.. I'd tell you when you were hurting me... but the thing that makes me different is that if I had the courage I would tell you you are hurting me.. and tell you why I think you are hurting me.. so you can move gradually... so you can see the truth... and realize that I love you EVEN though you can hurt me...


we are all testing each other.. we are all trying to see if when you say you will be there forever... if you TRULY will.... but how do you know if I'm going to be there for you??? ONLY if you behave exactly who you are.. and I'm still there.. and that means sometimes not being able to see the smoke for the trees.... most people can't see the truth.. they don't know WHY they are the way they are.. and so if I tell them... I must be wrong... I must be crazy...

Who wants to admit that they are mean?
Who wants to admit that they are addicted to men?
Who wants to admit they don't trust people?
Who wants to admit they are fat?
Who wants to admit that they are not who they want to be?

We all want to be happy... we all want to be satisfied with the life we have chosen for ourselves.. and because of that.. we SELL out... but the reason we sell out is because we have NO CLUE what's in our way... what's in our way is WHO WE ARE.. FULLY SELF EXPRESSED...

NOW... fully self expressed does not mean you go around and tell people they are dicks... its understanding that people are hurting.. that people only do as much as they know.... and that even though they don't want to hurt you... even though they don't think they are someone who hurts other people.... I love you.. and you are....

The problem with me... is that I take things personally.. so when someone hurts me.. I forget all I know.. I forget they are hurting and they are only behaving the only way they know how to... and it has NOTHING to do with me... because clearly they misunderstand... its so hard for me to know what I know and still... tell myself that the other is hurting me and they can't see it.... because I'm hurt and I want them to care enough to know I'm hurt.

Even though I know all this... this is what typically happens when I'm hurt.. both in my head and in practicum..

I get hurt...

HOW I GET HURT -
I get hurt when I'm excluded,
I feel hurt when I'm excited and someone is too busy with themselves to care about what I'm excited about
I feel hurt when I feel like the other person isn't being generous

I feel hurt when I'm judged.... BEING JUDGED is probably the thing that hurts me the most...

I get hurt when people are behaving poorly... and in my head I figure.. they must know they are hurting me... they must know they are behaving BADLY... I mean how hard is it??

well I'll tell you how hard it is.. we all can't see ourselves.. so why the hell do we expect others to see themselves??

we are scared.... so is EVERYONE ELSE... we have no clue.. SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.

So I get hurt.. and then I hide... placate.. pretend that I am not hurt.. WHY? because I know that they wouldn't have done what they did.. had they KNOWN...

BUT... I also don't want to get hurt again... So.. I know they probably don't see what I see.. but then I'm too scared to tell them... cause well can you really listen to someone tell you about WHY you are doing something when you are mad at them... or they are accusing you of hurting them? when you didn't even know?

The most uncomfortable feeling in the whole world is when someone tells you you hurt them and you had NO IDEA.... to know you are THAT blind.. that you could hurt someone....well for most people its way too hard to admit they don't know themselves... because they think they do... BUT how many people do you know who are honest with themselves?? so.. its REALLY hard to listen to someone else telling you the truth.. when you can't even tell yourself...

I think that's why this blog has helped me... because I tell my deepest fears of people knowing... and because of that I have to look at myself... I think this blog is what shifted me... my ability to look back and see what I was really doing to myself... and more than that... TO REALLY SEE THAT I AM NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE.. and get REALLY straight with myself..

I'll be honest there are still so many things that I'm struggling with being honest about to myself... It's so hard.. because then you have to take responsibility... make the change.. and become the person I know I can be....

WHAT'S MY FEAR.. that who I am, that person that I want to be will challenge people so much I will be very unliked.... and I hate not being liked...

So how I'm trying to handle being hurt... its in progress... and learning how to be confident is helping.. but because I am yet at that point of confidence.. I still get scared.. still feel threatened.. and am still scared that I am going to lose the person if I'm honest.

Cause let's be honest... people cut and run when they are hurt.. and well... HONESTY hurts sometimes...

I think the trick is making sure that when you are hurt you come to the other person FROM LOVE.. pure love and understanding.. and just let them know that you are hurt.... instead of accusing them of being mean... come to them and say.. hey... I don't know why but you really hurt me...

my problem is I get defensive.. and terrified, so I come at it like a bull... I raise my voice... I am we could say as far from graceful as possible lol...

I am, however becoming more aware of myself when I am upset.. and this week I had a moment where I caught myself yelling at a friend... when I felt attacked.. as I was yelling I could see I was over reacting and so I calmed... I brought myself back down and as I was doing it I was telling her that I'm sorry that I was yelling.. I was scared and felt trapped...

I was so unimpressed with myself.. but at the same time I was proud to have seen what I was doing.

Anger

The moments in my life that I observe anger... It makes me angry.... I've been asking myself why anger makes me soooo angry and upset... and the only thing that I can think is that I have anger deep in my soul... anger so deep that I don't want to let it out... for fear of destruction....

there are moments in my life that anger starts bubbling to the surface.. and I smoke. I smoke anytime that any negative emotion comes up inside me.. like the smoke will kill it....

I hate smoking... this is one of those moments.

Chest constricts,
lungs hurt.. I want another cigarette..
atleast then I can pretend the pain is self inflicted...

How can you be mad at the world?
how can you express that anger... for the selfishness, the naitivity, the pain and suffering we inflict on eachother...

I see the TRUTH. I see the truth... and I am told NO... you are crazy...
HOW DARE YOU... you don't know..
Maybe I don't know either.. but I know more than most... I see more than most...
I love and understand more than most... and I always see the WHY.

I have to believe that we aren't a mistake.. that our lives aren't a mistake...
We are built to ask why.. we are built for meaning... so then how could that be a mistake?

I'm angry at all the mother's who dismiss their children
I'm angry at all the father's who don't see their children hurting..
I'm angry at all the teacher's who tell those unloved children they won't amount to anything..

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???
Squashing dreams the way your parents squashed yours... do you not remember the pain?
Do you not see your life, the life that you have lead... BECAUSE of the lack of understanding.. the lack of love.

We are all trying so desperately to live a PERFECT life.. and we are so fucking scared of getting found out.. of losing those we love... 

WE HIDE... we can't be ourselves.. FOR FEAR OF LONLINESS...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll smarten up and think something different...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me... maybe I'll stop being so naive?

WHO ARE YOU TO TRY TO MAKE ME MISERABLE???
I hate that you have that power over me.

I hate that your childhood didn't teach you how to be an open and loving person
I hate that your parents and teachers and doctors didn't know any better.. I"M ANGRY BECAUSE WE ONLY KNOW AS MUCH AS WE KNOW.. and how the hell are we supposed to love each other.. when we are all so scared?

I'm SO ANGRY...

I'm angry that with all our knowledge... they are building a damn and dismissing the lives, the history, the ecosystem of 400,000 indigenous Brazillians.. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??????
If we embraced the technology we have you would see that damn only bottles up progress... and puts us a little closer to death.

The flower and plants and knowledge those people have.. their inate value as a human being...
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? We should share knowledge not supress knowledge... THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR HOME.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I'm ashamed.

I hate this world... I HATE the selfishness... I hate that people believe in a God and don't recognize that they are GOD... that they effect those around them.. they effect the earth and they effect the cells inside them... If ONLY YOU WOULD SEE.. YOU ARE GOD.... YOU DECIDE..

Do you love? or do you hate?
Do you judge? Or do you accept?
Do you celebrate excitement? or do you squash it?
Do you appologize? or do you blame?
Do you understand? Or do you dismiss?
Do you hug? or do you isolate?
Do you express your inner love? or do you hide?
Do you open your eyes and see the world around you for what it really is?
Or do you hide and pretend that there is nothing you can do?
Do you teach your children they are special? Or do you dismiss them?
Do you celebrate others success? Or celebrate others failure?
Do you forgive? or do you begrudge?
Do you let the child in you come out and play? or do you tell yourself to go away?

YOU ARE GOD. you are GOD to yourself and the world and what you say goes...

I am angry because you have infiltrated me.. you got to me.. you told me that I was different and in this world you can't survive if you are different...
You got to me and pushed me away.. and I felt like I was a bad child, I was a bad girl and I was a bad woman...
REJECTION.
All I wanted was love... AND YOU REJECTED ME.

Do you understand what it is like to just love.. love.. love... and be told.. no thank you.. I don't want your love? Your love is strange... your love is wrong.. your love is bad...

YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. YOU HURT ME PROFOUNDLY
I love you.....

I HATE MEN. You covot the earth, you hurt eachother... you don't look inside, you don't see your destruction.. you think you are always right and you tell us that we are too emotional, too sensitive... you dismiss us.. you hurt us... you complain about us... you lie to us and cheat on us.... you devalue us.. and treat us like we were created for your enjoyment...

I DON'T BLAME YOU... you were taught to be unkind... but do you not see how YOUR HATRED FOR WOMEN keeps you small, keeps you isolated... keeps you alone and unloved...

The Earth is your mother.. and you HATE your mother... thus you hate me.

SO that's what it is eh? My hatred for men... who knew it was so deep.
How hard it is to reconcile... the LOVE for men that I inately have and the HATE I have for the cruelty I have experienced at their hand?

How do I love you when you abandon me? Cheat on me? use me? destroy me? push me away? Hit me? call me a cunt? a bitch? too sensitive, too emotional?

HOW CAN I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HAVE stripped me from all that makes me beautiful... from all that makes me a woman?

I am patient and kind.. and always hope that one day you will see... see the pain you have inflicted on me.. and the pain you have inflicted on yourself...

I have hope that one day you will embrace your femininity.... as I embrace my masculinity and we will become whole again....

Please apologize.
I know you didn't know any better.... but now that you do.. PLEASE PLEASE accept responsibility so we can start healing... so we can tach our children to love. that they are love.

I do not hate men.. I HATE FEAR.... I HATE HISTORY... I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION... I hate that you didn't know any better... and that I didn't see... and let you get to me.