Day 45- absolutely NO motivation

I have no motivation to do anything. in fact its been 4 days of no motivation.... I have a Chem lab that I have to go to today... but I already skipped all of my classes so far this week.... even though I know they help me exceedingly.

I am rediculously horny, all I want is a smoke... and I am fantasizing about my ex - asshole- boyfriend...... It looks like it's freezing outside. My room is a shambles and I have to study physics because I have another quiz due on Friday that's worth 10% of my mark.....

Right now I just cannot see the light.... I just want to sleep forever.

A.

Day 44 - lonliness

Lonliness has set it.... Part of me thinks that the rediculous amount of alcohol and the small amount of food I consumed on Saturday may have played a role in my blues... and hormones may also play a role in this uncomfortable state of being... but here I am, sad, lonely and confused.

It's weird being semi- depressed for the first time in my life and not drinking away the sadness, not smoking a pack of cigarettes or trying to find someone to sleep with in order for the pain to go away. I am just here, feeling it.... just feeling it.

For years I have been trying to run from this feeling... and here it is.. in all its glory, its uncomfortable, and upsetting, painful.... but I'm not running from it this time. I'm just experiencing it.

My birthday is in 5 days... my 28th birthday....

every year since I was little I have tried to make the biggest fuss out of my birthday... I always invited as many people as possible. I always wanted to prove that I wasn't a loner, that I had friends... I always wanted to prove that I was somebody and that people loved me...

Right now I am very aware of my deep desire that all my friends come to my birthday party.. and ifthey don't how sad I will be... and even though I know its rediculous to weigh your friendships on who shows up at your birthday party... here I am doing it....

Right now I want to have the strength to just not care.... to just tell all of my friends that this year I am just going to spend the day quietly at home....

I don't feel strong enough to go to the bar... I don't feel strong enough not to drink, not to smoke... not to desperately want to go home with a guy. ....

44 days is a long time....

all I want in the whole world is my innocence back... I want to believe that I can have a man in my life that really does care about me, and wants to get to know me... that just adores me.

I want to have sex that actually means something.... for once in my life.... and I don't want to do anything that sabotages that.

I want a family. my own family.... one that I know is there, and will be there at every birthday, every holiday... in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to sleep... I just want my own family....

The truth is every birthday I think about my mother... the year she died, 3 months later was my birthday and I realized that 20 years before that it had been her day.... it had been the day that she had her very first child.... it had been our day for 20 years... and now it wasn't.. it was just mine, but really what's the celebration when you don't have the person that looked at you for the very first time, and was just so thankful  you were born... healthy and with 10 fingers and 10 toes....

Despite my blues right now.. somehow the adult me got myself to get out of bed this morning and go to a movement class...

One of the first things we did was massage easchothers bodies with our own bodies.... I found myself incredibly self conscious, and uncomfortable.. and the lump in my throat got soo painful.. I just wanted to cry...

I had to stop for a second and just recognize how I was feeling.

I realized that I was sooo sad, because I haven't had physical contact with another human being in so long... my body CRAVES it.... its painful for me not to be touched or to touch someone else... and the recognition.. the simple recognition that I have been so desperate for that that I look for it in unhealthy ways.... I want to be touched so badly.... just touched. That's what I miss most about not sleeping with men.... being touched...

once in a while I would find a man who just touched me.... ran his fingers gently along my back, my arms, my face... just touched me.... as far as I am concerned, that's much more than sex, its much more intimate, and calming... comfortable... just being touched...

it saddens me knowing that it may be years for that to happen again.... and it has to be because I can't ever settle for anything less than what I want...and need. I can never be with another man that I don't trust... and who doesn't value who I am...

I want this sooo badly... I'm just so scared that I am going to give up like I did as a kid... I had the same dream... and then I got to be 19 and there hadn't been anyone who just asked me out... who wanted to get to know me.... so I gave up..... how do I go through that struggle again? without giving up?

I know in my heart its coming... freedom.

Freedom from myself, from doubt and denial, from self hate.... but the door you have to walk through in order to get to the other side is feeling all those feelings you've felt over the years... actually feeling hte rejection, the lies, the abandonment, the truth....

you have to experience the truth in order to free yourself from your own binds.. the limitations you imposed on yourself based on everything that happened in your life... you have to face them in order to see the illusion... see how it was all made up.

See your true self SHINE.

I believe this....

Day 37 - another layer

So in all the chaos that I have written about over the past few days I am now starting to realize how deep my addiction to drama and attention really goes. In fact, this blog is a clear sign of that.... although part of me (the healthy part) writes this knowing that it is important to document the shift, and another side of me(the unhealthy/ego side) totally does this, to get attention...

Reading it and even being aware of what I write, I can start to see how dramatic everything is to me. It's not that when you decide to move past a drama addiction drama necessarily disappears, we all are faced with drama, but I am starting to recognize how I deal with the drama that comes up... I make it a big deal in my head... and how that must drive the people around me crazy!

Every time I have a moment where I am feeling overwhelmed, that all knowing voice inside of me comes up and says... come now, this is not THAT bad... its not That tough... you've been through worse... just move along... stop resisting... just freaking surrender to it all already... I am so aware that my drama is my way of resisting.. the more I talk, the less I do... but appear, to both myself, and sometimes the people around me.. that I am changing... its the slowly peeling the bandaid off instead of ripping it off...

The more drama I want, the harder it is... now isn't this one a doozy to process! lol

I was just talking to a friend about this, and I was just about to say.. "I guess when I figure out what it looks like for me to not seek that attention, and not overly dramatize everything, then I'll get past it... " and again that all knowing voice came up and said "nope, that's not what you did to get over the other ones... you tried that and it didn't work.... you just have to do it... rip the bandaid off... " stupid inner voice!! lol... I'll be honest, more than anything I don't want to give this one up... I am totally attached to this as my identity... when people think of me they think of how much I talk, and how much I dramatize everything. I am so attached to that.. I can't even imagine myself as someone who doesn't talk all the time, crave attention and over analyze every freaking little thing...

man that must be an annoying quality about me... crap!

Day 37 - wake up

yup, so basically this is the scariest thing I think one can encounter. Nothing compares to realizing.. I mean really getting how insane the world is... and feeling pretty damn alone in it... How is this possible? How did people get here?

Liberating... freeing, and terrifying... because now what? freeing you is a pretty daunting task... because truth is... I don't think people really want to find the truth.... most people couldn't handle it.

Day 36.... getting confronted.

So....

The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.

Today I was totally confronted.

I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.

I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something  a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...

but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...

So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?

The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.

Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....

I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.

going to sleep.

Day 36 - what I was REALLY feeling.

If you have been on any spiritual journey, addictions are usually referred to as the things that you do to prevent yourself from feeling what you REALLY feel inside.

I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??

Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....


The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.

Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.

When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.

When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.

I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for  6 months... and you will finally get connected.

All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...

when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.

I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?

Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????


What I have realized?

I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.

Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.

and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.

And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...

We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.

You have to love yourself.

you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!

Day 35... the uncontestible truth.

The incontestable truth is that I play my life small. That I find everything I can to over analyze and dramatize. I am not connected to my body, I am only connected to my head. I do not really reflect on the consequences of my behavior and therefor have no ability to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to admit that I have been steering this ship, called my body, my life, off course for quite sometime. I don't want to admit that I am completely responsible for ALL the hardships in my life.

I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.

I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.

I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.

I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...

I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.

I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.

He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.

I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.

I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.

What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.

I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.

Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.

there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.

I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!

I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!