a new woman

I think its interesting... since I found out that my ex cheated on me... far more than my worst dreams could ever have imagined... I have been relatively ok. I say relatively cause I do have my minor upsets... and moments of pure "how could he do this to me?" and "how could I be so blind" ... but all in all I've been in pretty good spirits.

I've been saying to my friends "I think that I am still in shock" to explain my relatively calm nature... but it occurred to me today... while eating sushi at a local restaurant ALONE... that maybe it isn't that I am in shock, but that I am a different woman than before.

When we first broke up I was upset driving away but a sense of relief came over me... I was free! I immediately did the "me" thing as my friends would contest to.. which is seeking out sex. No attachment sex..... which I did... a 4 hour extremely fun romp in the front seat of my car with a guy I've known for years but have never been friends with. An exciting adventure that left me a little disappointed that I knew nothing would materialize with this seemingly great person... who needless to say was a great lay!but... still free...

the freedom of being able to sleep with anyone you want to is something that I think we take for granted.. this may sound wrong, but I think that the ability to choose when and where and with who to enjoy your sexuality is a freedom that many of us condemn... but when you are in a bad relationship with bad sex to top it off.. the freedom of finding someone to satisfy those needs is exciting!

especially considering I had gone atleast a year and a half without great sex... and longer is debatable.. but I'll give him a little credit that at the beginning of our relationship there must have been some reason why I stuck around ;)

So a week later I left for Africa... I also joke that no one could EVER compete with the fact that I went to Africa to get over my ex. I thought that doing what I love to do would make me completely forget about him... and satisfy my own needs... instead I fell completely back in love with him... well I fell in love with this amazing image of what I thought he was.... obviously skewed by the distance, the lack of sex.. and the disappointment that it didn't work out.. Despite my relief...

We talked on occasion.. always me instigating the conversation... but mostly we talked about having sex when I got home... I mean break up sex was always the most fun... and at this point I had gone 2 months without any.. so i figured his was pretty good considering!... well I won't get into too much detail but needless to say when I got home life came crashing down.. he wasn't the person I had remembered..

for records sake we haven't seen eachother since that day I drove away.... so for inquiring minds.. no the break up sex never did happen... and in retrospect THANK GOD.. (I am not religious.. but feel that it is quite fitting:P.. especially considering we are talking about sex)

But, 2 months without sex in Africa I went again back to the "me" thing and started going to bars or talking to guys on Lavalife to satisfy my needs... sex does wonders. I kept joking with my friends by saying that " I had taken a 2 and a half year hiatus just to go back to my same old antics"

But, despite my similar antics, my mood quickly changed and I wasn't going to bars anymore... this is maybe 2 weeks after I got home.. one reason may be the creepy guy who wigged out on me.. and then proceeded to call me at 4 am every Friday and Saturday night... drunk...common.. I know girls who get the point faster than this guy:P


So here I am almost 2 months since I got home... 4 months since we broke up finding out that not only was he a really bad bf, but a REALLY REALLY bad boyfriend and its not rocking me the way I thought it would... I said that I went back to the same old "me" than before my ex. But it has occurred to me that I am not.

I've been through so much since the last time I was single... and well maybe I should give myself a little more credit. I am a superfox mind you... lol

What's amazing is despite all this crap... I feel great about who I am in the world and why I am here. I truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason... and that things only happen to you when you can deal with them... a saying a replayed over and over in my mind when my mother died...

I also know that despite my shitty ass relationship.. i needed what ever it gave to me throughout the years that I was trying to cope with out my mother... and he gave me whatever that was... and that we wouldn't have broken up if it wasn't opposed to be that way.. and I wouldn't have found out about these other women if I wasn't ready to hear it...

But.. I am really proud of myself... I feel like a rock star today. What's crazy is when mom died I said that I went through it first.. so that when it happened to my friends I could be there for them... and I was able top.. although it was sooo difficult.. deal with out the relatedness that comes with having a friend have gone through the same experience... so here I am at the end of another rollercoaster ride... and none of my friends have ever been with a guy for this long.. lived with him.. only to find out that he was sleeping with other women...

I am officially a trooper. and I officially love this blog cause I can totally toot my own horn!

So there... a new woman, someone who has gone through the loss of her mother, the purging of a real home... devestating fights with her step father... a broken relationship... cheating... only to come out on the other side... with ironically more self esteem then ever before...

which I also give credit to a good friend I have who always tells me how great I am.. and how pretty:) Guys... do this for your girlfriends.. cause who knows, you may be the only person they hear it from.

Oh but the best thing is... I'm not letting this dictate whether I can date yet... so who knows... atleast I know that It HAS to be good sex.. or I'm OUT!!!

so ya.. i think that's it for right now.