Growing up

Something has been happening with me this month... I've been sick more than usual... And I've been feeling atrange... Delving deep into my own psyche trying to release what ever I'm holding on to.

I've got myself watching long island medium for the fort time. I saw the very last moments every week when I tuned in to watch long lost family. And every time I saw it I would tell myself it's a load of crap.... And then it occured to myself that I say that and yet in the hidden parts of me I think I may have more psychic abilities than I give myself credit for...

So I started to watch it.... And it rang on a chord deep inside...

There is something about my mother that I have to figure out.

A flash from an episode of Grey's anatomy.... Recently she referred to her mother's ashes being dumped down the drain at the hospital... Its been years since that episode... But her ashes were kept in her closet and then finally one day she knew what to do.

I went to a local medium this week... She's learning and I'm learning but one thing she said to me that got a chord was that I am already channeling my mother and that maybe I needed to ask her to step back.

What does that even mean?

I pulled a tarot card from a new OSHO deck I bought that talked about reaching a point in my life whan a person relinques their parents thoughts and becomes their own person.

Have I not done that??

I was thinking recently where I was at this point when I was 9 months old. (my daughter is 9 months old)
And it was about this time my mom was losing her house and going bankrupt. When I shared that with the medium she said you know you don't have to relive your moms life? I know that.. But it allows me to recognize the scars in my heart... And how far I've come to be thankful and heal those spaces...

But am I caught up in that? What do I need to do to mature? I'm so suffocated by fear... By low self esteem.

And then tonight it occured to me that I need to put closure to my childhood.y mother's ashes are in my closet.  It was right before I got pregnant that I finally went to my step family's farm and retrieved them from the hill.

Its time to say goodbye. Its time to let go. Its time to put it all to rest and live my life from my perspective.

My hope is some of them at the grave site with her parents and sister, some at the Sharma center,  some at dreamers rock, some given to her best friends and closest family to sprinkle where they want... And the rest in the ocean out west.

I need to see my father again and witness his eyes meet delilah's.

I am scared to write my book... I am scared to share who I truly am with the world... The only way I can past this year is of I finally close the book. Finally finish the story come full circle.

Its 2 years since I said good bye to my father... I met someone yesterday who gave me a phone number for the Irish Embassy to encourage me to get my citizenship. The signs are pointing towards healing those last few parts of my childhood.

And being vulnerable to the fact that I was just trying to survive... How I coped and what I've done have been my school... And I have found the most amazing partner to be my compsnion, to raise Delilah with love and compassion and play.

I have broken karma by allowing my heart to explore the many facets of life... That this blog represents a tiny fraction of the depth of experience I have and there is nothing to be ashamed of in allowing others to let them see themselves in their own hearts and cherish their own experience... So one day each one and the world can know peace.

What to write in my new life?

Most people haven't documented the rawness of their lives across such shifts publicly while they are happening. I believe I have had the life I have in order to be able to see past lines and boxes. In order to see past prejudice and fear. I see myself in all beings... So what does that mean?

Well I've been thinking about what to write here... Where am I in my head and what do I want to share so vulnerable these days with a child I have to protect as well as teach the world is good too.

This mother thing is a real balancing act and through all the advice I've been given one thing that constantly rings true is nothing is black and white. It's pretty much my opinion on everything now a days.

So what does that look like? Well let's start at breastfeeding. This is one of those controversial subjects. There is the breastfeeding camp and the formula camp. Each has their reasons to support their own ideas. Breast is best is a catch phrase that just like formula, I'm sure had a catch phrase, it helps normalize it, yet then there is this weird guilt that some mothers say they have when they can't breastfeed.

Ultimately your decisions around your body and your child are your own. I don't think it's anyone's job to tell you What's best for you and your family. Love. That's the answer. What ever that looks like for you.

We all have issues around love and care and affection. Family is a way of slowly exposing the rawness of our hearts, our insecurities. Tearing us down and building ourselves back up every day.

So what 1000 kids were scrutinized using the scientific method. In every bell curve there are outliers.

I think the revolution we are currently in is one of self. Growing into our own hearts and souls. Learning our connection to all. That our unique perspective is the view the universe choose to see itself. Parenting is a course in that.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past 8 months. Its that my baby chose me.  With all my flaws. She too will grow and learn and fumble and explore her limits and hopefully by being vulnerable I can help clear a path so she is able to thrive.

Ok I wrote half of this a month ago. I just wanted to get it posted. So I'll leave it there.

March is always our time to plan another year ahead. Figure out what's next. This past moth has be en ridiculous. In the end our car died an hour from home 3 weeks ago. Our friends came to our rescue. The child tax credit that I was stressing about over the past I months came through the day we found a truck that would suit our needs. So we have a truck and we are making a plan. And I feel better everyday the light wins over the dark and our days get longer.

Full moon is coming. Time for a breakthrouh.

7 months today

My baby turns 7 months today. Maybe it's the time has given me space. Perhaps it's that I'm starting to feel hope. Perhaps it's that I'm gaining perspective. I don't know but I cut off all my hair today and am compelled to write.

When I think of this blog I think about how I started with the lessons I had learned by 24. I'm 34 now and maybe I need to write my new list. Especially the list I have acquired in the past 7 months... Or maybe the past 17 months... Or maybe it started at camp last fall right before I got pregnant. But things have changed and this is the greatest adventure of my life and lessons speckle every day of my life.

Breastfeeding is a bitch.

No one explains... Or even if they do...you will never truly understand the self sacrifice breast feeding can be.

Breast feeding is forced attachment. I completely understand the warnings that it is ok if you don't feel that unbreakable bond from the beginning. I was scared. I'm still scared. Breast feeding has slowly allowed us to be as close as two people can be... And let's us grow more into each other's space.

When I get down it's like a spiral, within a couple hours I've gone from being upset the house is dirty to thinking we should break up. It takes real effort for me to see my mental dysfunction and shift it to something positive. How do people keep their houses clean all the time?

There's a pattern to my feelings and the moon... Crisis is usually around the new moon, breakthrough is usually around full moon and the rest of the month seems to be manifesting the new creative energy.

I want to be creative and rich but the amount of energy, focus and time scare me.

I scare easily although I've survived my biggest fears... I still requires a tremendous amount of self coaching for me to pursue anything and feel capable.

They say New born babies eat about every 3 hours... They don't say they may have been eating for 2hours and 45 minutes up until that point.

You can't spoil a baby. Learn them. Be patient.

My boobs have been nicknamed battle tits because our baby scratches and pinches them for at least a couple days every month. When it's happening I feel I'm going insane and feel overwhelmed in trying to Get her to stop.

Sleep deprivation makes you crazy.

Being a parent is a constant juxtaposition.
Oh i can't wait til she sleeps through the night... Except I'd stay awake the whole time listening for cries and worrying she's going to suffocate.
Oh I can't wait to have my boobs back I hate this .... But I'm going to miss this closeness.. Everyone says you miss this phase.

I have a completely radical perception of life, love, health and well-being that's why. I can't explain or choose a side. My side is a tapestry...

It is very difficult to crystallize all areas of your life into your present existence.

Even shitty behaviours or circumstances have their silver lining.

Fake it before you make it.

Having a baby exposes parts of your personality, beliefs and triggers constantly. Be patient with your heart.

People are amazing.

Learn to make peace with the weather. Being outside is essential to happiness.

Enthusiasm, encouragement and love feed me and can change my mood in a heartbeat.

I have so many areas to still grow in.

I'm scared to fail.

I'm scared to never have the money to do the things I want to do or have for the baby.

Thank God for technology and it finally catching up with my brain.

I'm falling asleep and need to go. I'll think of more over night.

Xo

330 am reminder its ok to feel.

Oh my god. I just wrote for an hour and it's gone...ugh... I wrote all about how I woke up in so much pain at 330am, couldn't move, baby started crying... Had to feed baby in dark while can't look down, turn my head from side to side or hold her up in my arms.... Wrote how the last time I felt this kind of stiffness was the day after I said good but to my biological father... And it gradually getting worse from the time we said goodbye.

I wrote about how he had given me the lantern for James, and signed the book he gave me... My first gift from him, Anam Cara, of which I have lost since getting pregnant.

I wrote about how I've lost three things dear to my heart in the past year, the book, my rainbow cupcake hat and my cross stitch. Gone. Ugh.

I wrote about how the ferry he gave us tickets for and we were in a rush to get to ended up being out of commission for a few weeks and how the quick goodbye was good for us.

I wrote how we drove up the malahat to Nanaimo through the rain.... And how the weather reflected my mood... then west past goats on a roof, through the old growth forest, to port albeirni where a rainbow came out .  where again the weather reflected my mood...Through the mountains and into rain soaked, but clear skies, tofino

I wrote about our campsite and meeting these 2 men who were camping across from us by means of a solar powered rainbow light in a bottle....it's a really cool story.

And then james' alarm went off for work. I gave him D to cuddle with for a minute.. hugged them both and took her back to feed her... And went back to finish my post, to find it gone. Disparue. Every word gone. And I don't have the time to write it again. Ugh.

I woke up at 330 am in so much pain and remembered the last time I felt this stiff. It was when I said goodbye to my father.

That night I woke up in equally the same amount of pain as tonight at probably about 330am. In a wet tent on the earth and whimpered to myself as I lay in agony. The next morning it had gotten So great...so bad... I was in so much pain... I got stoned and finally gave into crying.

Britt came and sat with me and I talked out my emotions and just cried. Happy sad. The rainbow. And the pain went away.

So here I am. Happy sad. So I held my baby and cried... Then handed her over to james and went out under the almost full moon and cried... And stretched and tried to relax my body... And cried. This is hard this mom stuff. And I miss my mom... And  my dad... And my step dad.

I am trying to keep the baby happy and everyone else... And I don't know how to keep me. I feel overwhelmed and grateful. I feel annoyed and think it's all funny, I am dark and light, yin and yang and I haven't cried in 2 months.

So I cried a little and feel a little better.... And then wrote and it all down and it disappeared...ugh.... . And now the baby is crying again, just pooped and I have to get up to drive James to work and feed this baby before we go. And my neck still feels stiff. Motherhood..2 months in. Lol

Maybe when I get back I'll try and let more go. Let more emotions rise to the surface. Let the pressure built in my shoulders find some release. Cry.

Baby D - sleep deprivation.

I had a baby... I got pregnant, carried her for 10 months and then pushed her tiny body out of mine. It's crazy.

That's what I say to everyone.. this is one hell of a ride this transition into parenting. The first month and a half seemed to go by pretty smoothly. Somehow I found the time to sleep...maybe not eat all so well but Most importantly I found the time to sleep.

Lately I find myself being  cranky. Everything ia starting to bug me...my house is a mess and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. All I can do is say... I'm frustrated.

Last week my partner worked 75 hours. How can I expect him to do anything when he gets home but unwind and sleep? Ah sleep... How I miss thee.

The first 6 weeks I didn't count how much i slept, but James worked in the evenings... So we would atleast sleep in and Delilah was good with that... But the past 2 weeks he got a new job where he has to be there for 630 and be picked up at 4. So we barely sleep. I dont see him and I feel like I'm slowly falling a part.

I have found in the 3 years of being together we only get frustrated with each other when we don't see each other.... We are there again.

And Delilah has decided that she wants to feed constantly again. So I must leave this here. And go feed my tiny milk gremlin.

The next chapter. Baby delilah. Writing

I came across a mom blog this morning that listed the 20 things you need to know for your first week of having a new born. I laughed.

I could relate to some of it... But also in reading it I realized that if I just open up to being vulnerable again I have so much to share.

I debated starting a new blog... Or continuing the one that I started to meet my dad. Fullcircleadventure.blogspot.com

Because this is for sure a full circle adventure. I again... Hesitate to write here because it will bring people back to the person I once was... Back to the person that exists inside me... But alas that it my story...

I'm dreading October because that's the month I run out of maternity leave...I was on EI since October and although working at the gas station this spring while taking James to welding school every day...I didn't manage to accumulate enough hours to get maternity after the year is done... And it's done in October.

And my partner wants to be home this winter with the baby... Take the rest of my parental leave... But finding a job here in the middle of cottage country in the winter has proven quite the feat.... So I need to figure something else out... I want to make money writing... But building the confidence to make that happen feels almost impossible... So i mine as well start where I've left off.... And maybe it will all pan out...

Writing in my journal seems almost impossible balancing a baby on the boob a pen and a book... But maybe embracing this forum again will allow me to write.. I can type and hold my cell with one hand.... So here is to the next chapter. Baby Delilah. The ups and downs. The embarrassments and the triumphs. This is our story. How fabulous you really look!

Im having a baby

I'm catching up on Grey's anatomy. It's the only show I've watched since the first day it was Aired.

I have watched it through all the lives I've lived....

And it all started with Meredith waking up next to a man she didn't know the name of.

The evolution of the characters, the writing, the story.... Has been so real. It shows what trauma looks like and what moving on looks like. It is a show about physical and emotional healing and it reminds me of my own journey.

I am scared to keep writing on this blog because I have become such a different person in the past what? 9 years of this blog. .

I am having a baby with a man I love... I've learned to enjoy the small things... My anxiety is at an all time low.

I have learned to trust myself... My life and the love that exists in every part of my body. .. And yet there is still layers that await my unraveling.

I'm embarrassed of some of the life I lead.    .. And yet I can see as I get older how it was all requires for me to come to this place. And this place is required for me to move into the next place.

I am trying to write my book but I'm scared to hurt those I love with my own truth. I need to come to a place where my anger and frustration were not palpable anymore. Where I didn't feel angry any more....

I suppose I am beginning to really feel that way.

I needed to make peace with my love.... And maybe it's through writing it that I will.

I remembered being in Thailand... My surgery..  And giving Into the possibility of death. I hated that my step dad couldn't tell me I would be OK... But then I knew I had to let go into the possibility of dying and hope that I was strong enough... That my journey along this path wasn't over...but make peace with death.

That moment in my life shifted everything.

Along with countless others.

I learned to rely on myself. I learned autonomy. And I survived.

This journey has been one of learning how to be autonomous and trust my own take on the world... Trust my choices... Trust my knowledge.

I am coming to see what they mean by knowledge is power. It is power over your own life. It is counter intuitive.... The experience is needed to grow.

I have never experienced great violence.... But I have experienced emotional trauma... And also unconditional love.

I am coming to see how the parts of me have come together and why I think, act and do the things I do. How each pain played a role in my personal evolution and although my heart has been broken countless times.... I still open it up to the goodness that exists in between the sorrow.

I'm on the next leg of the journey. But it includes the past.

I am having a baby... And her life will be the result of the life I lead.... The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through our lives together.

But more than everything... I have come to see that in order for your children to feel safe, secure and open to the world.... You must embody that love... And give yourself permission to love all of you no matter who you are..... Forgive your past. Move past the ways your happiness was blocked... And find your little kid happiness again.

epic trip

i leave tomorrow.

i cant believe how much ive grown. what i have learned and how in love i am.

its been an incredible journey so far... learning to love myself.... let love in and believe myself worthy to have love to come home to.

making peace with my past..... with the patience i ave ha to build and the depth of understanding men

thanks for coming on this journey with me.

amanda

full circle adventure

It is 11 days until I leave on our epic road trip to meet my biological father.

I can't believe it is all happening... all the past, all the things I have been through and I am finally happy!!!!

I am so madly in love with my boyfriend, and healing the parts of me that never get to see the daylight....

it's the strangest feeling to make peace with the parts of me that have been so hurt and so lost for so long. Crying when you are happy..... the relief that comes from relaxing into life. Expecting the best moments.... expecting it all to work out.. even when it feels like the opposite.

I could only feel this excitement by feeling the disappointment and sadness from my life... all emotions are contained together... you can't get the light without the dark. You can't be happy without willing to admit that you have been desperately sad.

I have been struggling with posting to this blog during my trip or starting another.

I haven't had the time to look through this blog... all I know is it exposes the very raw side of my journey... of my journey through love, sex and feeling whole..... I run into moments of embarrassment ... and I continue to remind myself that this is who I am.... this is what makes me me... and there is nothing to feel ashamed about... however, I have decided to start a new one...... the new journey. fullcircleadventure.BlogSpot.com

I am so thankful for my life.... and so thankful that I could have experienced all the randomness that life has to offer and now it is revealing its magnificence.

Thank you for this journey.
Amanda

The very first time I heard my father's voice.

It happened.

That little girl dream.... the one she only tells herself in the quietest places in her heart. The one she dare not share.... for fear someone or something will rob her of that simple hope... that simple dream.

But it's not so simple. It has never been, nor ever will be. But it was my one wish my whole life. My whole life. Breathe Amanda. Breathe.

I struggle with writing at all. It scares me... the way my life is just blossoming before me... after all the things I've done... man, the idea of this blog still scares the shit out of me. I want to read back.. but haven't.. I'm scared I'll delete shit if I read it.... and I don't want to... I just want to share myself.. and share my story and believe that if I sanitize it I rob people of the story. Of the true story... the path of my coming to myself... and making peace with the opposite sex.

This is my journey on these proverbial pages.... and I write here differently than I write in my journal.... but this forum always compels the very best of my desire to write.

I suppose I should accept that I am a writer and have been wandering everywhere trying to find my craft... when perhaps... if I am lucky... I have been doing it all along.

******

I feel like a million fireworks went up in my heart, in my body, in my head..over the past few days. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be me right now... it's insane.. like every emotion that ever existed inside any human being is racing through my body at all times.. I'm stressed and relaxed, anxious and safe, excited and terrified, happy and sad... all at the same time.

I have a lump in my throat that I haven't let go of.... like I feel like I am going to pop if I let it all in.

I watched a movie with my boyfriend last night called Harold's search for Happiness or something to that affect... I feel like he feels at the end of the movie when his brain lit up like a fireworks festival. These emotions are all wrapped up...

The most important point on Harold's list, in my opinion is... Happiness is not the avoidance of what makes you unhappy. TRUTH.

I could not feel what I am feeling right now had it not been for the sorrow I have felt. I can only explain that my emotions encompass every emotion I have ever felt.... excitement being the hardest to really share. And the relief.... the heaviness that has sat for years, lurking in the shadow.... is being acknowledged again and loved. I suppose that;s maybe what this feeling is.... self-love. Just pure pride in myself for loving others enough that I get to love myself. To live a life I am proud of, honestly... and have the universe reward me.

I am humbly self aware of the thoughts that I am experiencing. One of the most predominant is the feeling that I don't deserve this. Who am I to get my happy ending? Who am I to have my dreams come true?

I am trying to remind myself that when you let yourself be happy, you give others the space to be happy too.

I am trying to remind myself that if any of my friends have anything to celebrate I celebrate with them... and if my friend was going through something like this I would just lose my mind in excitement. And so. I am allowed. I am allowed to enjoy these next few months....

I am allowed to celebrate. I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time this past Saturday night. 

the feeling of which.... makes me want to pop... and that's a weird thing to think. I'm just so full up with energy....

and as I write this the only thing in my head is.. "GO OUTSIDE. BREATHE. SCREAM. MOVE. DANCE. LET IT GO... whatever is binded around your heart..... LET IT GO and LET THIS FEELING IN. LET IT IN. Don't be scared.

ya... right... lol.. it's like that time I went and hugged a tree and ended up sitting under it for 2 hours.. just being with the land.... it helps.

Sometimes I'm just so embarrassed to admit the things I think and do.... but I suppose I figure.. if they help me.. then maybe there is someone else that it might help too.

****
So right now I am completely overwhelmed by what has gone on in my life over the past month and a half... I've just had to let go of someone I really love... and the pain of it made me mad.... quite literally I have been so angry and sad and confused for over a month now.... and then the day after I decide to just let that feeling go.... this happens. the second I chose to forgive.... I got my wish.

The second I gave myself permission to be happy despite the circumstances... and remove all thoughts of ill will, my life got even fuller.

And now I sit in a space of feeling like I have worked my whole life for this very moment...... and yet.....there are parts of me that feel that I do not deserve this... why doesn't everyone else get their happy ending too? I only wish that every human being could just feel the gratitude I am feeling right now for every single moment they have played a role on this planet.

Too many people have affected my life... too many to count... to many cultures... too many lovely lovely human beings from every religion, walk of life imaginable... and I am just so thankful that the lessons I learned through the journey of my life has brought me here.

I am so thankful. I understand where the bow comes in... its a bow to the creator... in gratitude for the life it gives us. No matter what the pain.... if we spend our lives searching deeper and deeper into ourselves..... being able to be proud of yourself is the deepest pleasure. Being able to love beyond all impossibilities....it hurts, but when it doesn't... MAN its worth all the pain. this feeling... is worth. all. the. pain.

Now... if only I can remember that the next time I'm losing my mind in sadness or anger..lol... but I suppose that is the lesson after all, it's just learning to roll with life.... doesn't mean you are always going to be feeling good.... but knowing that there is happiness on the other side of all pain...helps make it a little easier to palate.

I suppose true happiness is the sacred calmness inside that constantly reassures that everything is alright, even when it doesn't feel like it... the confidence in your inner dialogue..to be able to trust it. To feel completely at ease inside in knowing, and not knowing... and always being available to grow.

I think I need to go outside.

Be back later.

**** 1 hour later.

My bf's best friend showed up and we went and stood in the field acorss the road and watched this beautiful sunset..... the ice particles made it so there was a line of light both down and up from the sun... and the snow has meleted and frozen just so to be shiny... almost like an oil slick when the light hits it.... its gorgeous, crisp, fresh, quiet.

It's a funny thing... the more love you have in your life the more alone you feel you can be.