Baby D - sleep deprivation.

I had a baby... I got pregnant, carried her for 10 months and then pushed her tiny body out of mine. It's crazy.

That's what I say to everyone.. this is one hell of a ride this transition into parenting. The first month and a half seemed to go by pretty smoothly. Somehow I found the time to sleep...maybe not eat all so well but Most importantly I found the time to sleep.

Lately I find myself being  cranky. Everything ia starting to bug me...my house is a mess and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. All I can do is say... I'm frustrated.

Last week my partner worked 75 hours. How can I expect him to do anything when he gets home but unwind and sleep? Ah sleep... How I miss thee.

The first 6 weeks I didn't count how much i slept, but James worked in the evenings... So we would atleast sleep in and Delilah was good with that... But the past 2 weeks he got a new job where he has to be there for 630 and be picked up at 4. So we barely sleep. I dont see him and I feel like I'm slowly falling a part.

I have found in the 3 years of being together we only get frustrated with each other when we don't see each other.... We are there again.

And Delilah has decided that she wants to feed constantly again. So I must leave this here. And go feed my tiny milk gremlin.

The next chapter. Baby delilah. Writing

I came across a mom blog this morning that listed the 20 things you need to know for your first week of having a new born. I laughed.

I could relate to some of it... But also in reading it I realized that if I just open up to being vulnerable again I have so much to share.

I debated starting a new blog... Or continuing the one that I started to meet my dad. Fullcircleadventure.blogspot.com

Because this is for sure a full circle adventure. I again... Hesitate to write here because it will bring people back to the person I once was... Back to the person that exists inside me... But alas that it my story...

I'm dreading October because that's the month I run out of maternity leave...I was on EI since October and although working at the gas station this spring while taking James to welding school every day...I didn't manage to accumulate enough hours to get maternity after the year is done... And it's done in October.

And my partner wants to be home this winter with the baby... Take the rest of my parental leave... But finding a job here in the middle of cottage country in the winter has proven quite the feat.... So I need to figure something else out... I want to make money writing... But building the confidence to make that happen feels almost impossible... So i mine as well start where I've left off.... And maybe it will all pan out...

Writing in my journal seems almost impossible balancing a baby on the boob a pen and a book... But maybe embracing this forum again will allow me to write.. I can type and hold my cell with one hand.... So here is to the next chapter. Baby Delilah. The ups and downs. The embarrassments and the triumphs. This is our story. How fabulous you really look!

Im having a baby

I'm catching up on Grey's anatomy. It's the only show I've watched since the first day it was Aired.

I have watched it through all the lives I've lived....

And it all started with Meredith waking up next to a man she didn't know the name of.

The evolution of the characters, the writing, the story.... Has been so real. It shows what trauma looks like and what moving on looks like. It is a show about physical and emotional healing and it reminds me of my own journey.

I am scared to keep writing on this blog because I have become such a different person in the past what? 9 years of this blog. .

I am having a baby with a man I love... I've learned to enjoy the small things... My anxiety is at an all time low.

I have learned to trust myself... My life and the love that exists in every part of my body. .. And yet there is still layers that await my unraveling.

I'm embarrassed of some of the life I lead.    .. And yet I can see as I get older how it was all requires for me to come to this place. And this place is required for me to move into the next place.

I am trying to write my book but I'm scared to hurt those I love with my own truth. I need to come to a place where my anger and frustration were not palpable anymore. Where I didn't feel angry any more....

I suppose I am beginning to really feel that way.

I needed to make peace with my love.... And maybe it's through writing it that I will.

I remembered being in Thailand... My surgery..  And giving Into the possibility of death. I hated that my step dad couldn't tell me I would be OK... But then I knew I had to let go into the possibility of dying and hope that I was strong enough... That my journey along this path wasn't over...but make peace with death.

That moment in my life shifted everything.

Along with countless others.

I learned to rely on myself. I learned autonomy. And I survived.

This journey has been one of learning how to be autonomous and trust my own take on the world... Trust my choices... Trust my knowledge.

I am coming to see what they mean by knowledge is power. It is power over your own life. It is counter intuitive.... The experience is needed to grow.

I have never experienced great violence.... But I have experienced emotional trauma... And also unconditional love.

I am coming to see how the parts of me have come together and why I think, act and do the things I do. How each pain played a role in my personal evolution and although my heart has been broken countless times.... I still open it up to the goodness that exists in between the sorrow.

I'm on the next leg of the journey. But it includes the past.

I am having a baby... And her life will be the result of the life I lead.... The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn through our lives together.

But more than everything... I have come to see that in order for your children to feel safe, secure and open to the world.... You must embody that love... And give yourself permission to love all of you no matter who you are..... Forgive your past. Move past the ways your happiness was blocked... And find your little kid happiness again.

epic trip

i leave tomorrow.

i cant believe how much ive grown. what i have learned and how in love i am.

its been an incredible journey so far... learning to love myself.... let love in and believe myself worthy to have love to come home to.

making peace with my past..... with the patience i ave ha to build and the depth of understanding men

thanks for coming on this journey with me.

amanda

full circle adventure

It is 11 days until I leave on our epic road trip to meet my biological father.

I can't believe it is all happening... all the past, all the things I have been through and I am finally happy!!!!

I am so madly in love with my boyfriend, and healing the parts of me that never get to see the daylight....

it's the strangest feeling to make peace with the parts of me that have been so hurt and so lost for so long. Crying when you are happy..... the relief that comes from relaxing into life. Expecting the best moments.... expecting it all to work out.. even when it feels like the opposite.

I could only feel this excitement by feeling the disappointment and sadness from my life... all emotions are contained together... you can't get the light without the dark. You can't be happy without willing to admit that you have been desperately sad.

I have been struggling with posting to this blog during my trip or starting another.

I haven't had the time to look through this blog... all I know is it exposes the very raw side of my journey... of my journey through love, sex and feeling whole..... I run into moments of embarrassment ... and I continue to remind myself that this is who I am.... this is what makes me me... and there is nothing to feel ashamed about... however, I have decided to start a new one...... the new journey. fullcircleadventure.BlogSpot.com

I am so thankful for my life.... and so thankful that I could have experienced all the randomness that life has to offer and now it is revealing its magnificence.

Thank you for this journey.
Amanda

The very first time I heard my father's voice.

It happened.

That little girl dream.... the one she only tells herself in the quietest places in her heart. The one she dare not share.... for fear someone or something will rob her of that simple hope... that simple dream.

But it's not so simple. It has never been, nor ever will be. But it was my one wish my whole life. My whole life. Breathe Amanda. Breathe.

I struggle with writing at all. It scares me... the way my life is just blossoming before me... after all the things I've done... man, the idea of this blog still scares the shit out of me. I want to read back.. but haven't.. I'm scared I'll delete shit if I read it.... and I don't want to... I just want to share myself.. and share my story and believe that if I sanitize it I rob people of the story. Of the true story... the path of my coming to myself... and making peace with the opposite sex.

This is my journey on these proverbial pages.... and I write here differently than I write in my journal.... but this forum always compels the very best of my desire to write.

I suppose I should accept that I am a writer and have been wandering everywhere trying to find my craft... when perhaps... if I am lucky... I have been doing it all along.

******

I feel like a million fireworks went up in my heart, in my body, in my head..over the past few days. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be me right now... it's insane.. like every emotion that ever existed inside any human being is racing through my body at all times.. I'm stressed and relaxed, anxious and safe, excited and terrified, happy and sad... all at the same time.

I have a lump in my throat that I haven't let go of.... like I feel like I am going to pop if I let it all in.

I watched a movie with my boyfriend last night called Harold's search for Happiness or something to that affect... I feel like he feels at the end of the movie when his brain lit up like a fireworks festival. These emotions are all wrapped up...

The most important point on Harold's list, in my opinion is... Happiness is not the avoidance of what makes you unhappy. TRUTH.

I could not feel what I am feeling right now had it not been for the sorrow I have felt. I can only explain that my emotions encompass every emotion I have ever felt.... excitement being the hardest to really share. And the relief.... the heaviness that has sat for years, lurking in the shadow.... is being acknowledged again and loved. I suppose that;s maybe what this feeling is.... self-love. Just pure pride in myself for loving others enough that I get to love myself. To live a life I am proud of, honestly... and have the universe reward me.

I am humbly self aware of the thoughts that I am experiencing. One of the most predominant is the feeling that I don't deserve this. Who am I to get my happy ending? Who am I to have my dreams come true?

I am trying to remind myself that when you let yourself be happy, you give others the space to be happy too.

I am trying to remind myself that if any of my friends have anything to celebrate I celebrate with them... and if my friend was going through something like this I would just lose my mind in excitement. And so. I am allowed. I am allowed to enjoy these next few months....

I am allowed to celebrate. I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time this past Saturday night. 

the feeling of which.... makes me want to pop... and that's a weird thing to think. I'm just so full up with energy....

and as I write this the only thing in my head is.. "GO OUTSIDE. BREATHE. SCREAM. MOVE. DANCE. LET IT GO... whatever is binded around your heart..... LET IT GO and LET THIS FEELING IN. LET IT IN. Don't be scared.

ya... right... lol.. it's like that time I went and hugged a tree and ended up sitting under it for 2 hours.. just being with the land.... it helps.

Sometimes I'm just so embarrassed to admit the things I think and do.... but I suppose I figure.. if they help me.. then maybe there is someone else that it might help too.

****
So right now I am completely overwhelmed by what has gone on in my life over the past month and a half... I've just had to let go of someone I really love... and the pain of it made me mad.... quite literally I have been so angry and sad and confused for over a month now.... and then the day after I decide to just let that feeling go.... this happens. the second I chose to forgive.... I got my wish.

The second I gave myself permission to be happy despite the circumstances... and remove all thoughts of ill will, my life got even fuller.

And now I sit in a space of feeling like I have worked my whole life for this very moment...... and yet.....there are parts of me that feel that I do not deserve this... why doesn't everyone else get their happy ending too? I only wish that every human being could just feel the gratitude I am feeling right now for every single moment they have played a role on this planet.

Too many people have affected my life... too many to count... to many cultures... too many lovely lovely human beings from every religion, walk of life imaginable... and I am just so thankful that the lessons I learned through the journey of my life has brought me here.

I am so thankful. I understand where the bow comes in... its a bow to the creator... in gratitude for the life it gives us. No matter what the pain.... if we spend our lives searching deeper and deeper into ourselves..... being able to be proud of yourself is the deepest pleasure. Being able to love beyond all impossibilities....it hurts, but when it doesn't... MAN its worth all the pain. this feeling... is worth. all. the. pain.

Now... if only I can remember that the next time I'm losing my mind in sadness or anger..lol... but I suppose that is the lesson after all, it's just learning to roll with life.... doesn't mean you are always going to be feeling good.... but knowing that there is happiness on the other side of all pain...helps make it a little easier to palate.

I suppose true happiness is the sacred calmness inside that constantly reassures that everything is alright, even when it doesn't feel like it... the confidence in your inner dialogue..to be able to trust it. To feel completely at ease inside in knowing, and not knowing... and always being available to grow.

I think I need to go outside.

Be back later.

**** 1 hour later.

My bf's best friend showed up and we went and stood in the field acorss the road and watched this beautiful sunset..... the ice particles made it so there was a line of light both down and up from the sun... and the snow has meleted and frozen just so to be shiny... almost like an oil slick when the light hits it.... its gorgeous, crisp, fresh, quiet.

It's a funny thing... the more love you have in your life the more alone you feel you can be.

The journey starts with the first step..meeting my father

 This journey of mine has been a long and interesting one. Somedays I think back on my life fondly thus far and recognize that every step has lead to the next one.. that I only knew as much as I knew and that I have atleast lived as true to my heart as I could inside the internal turmoil that I was going through.
Somedays I look back and think oh no! I don't even want to read this blog and actually remember it all... I struggle between guilt over my life.. and gratitude for it.

Which leads me to this phase.. the phase of finally meeting my father.

Do I even have the right to spend money on this trip when I owe people money for helping me out through nursing school?

I considered setting up an account with kickstarter or indiegogo.... trying to maybe fundraise money by trying to make it into a book... or a movie.... I don't know.... then I think "who would want to dnate to that? why do I deserve any money to get what I want?"

it's a hard thing this confidence thing..... there are so many reasons to not feel adequate enough... to not feel like I deserve my happy ending... all the reasons in the world to think why would anyone else care about my life.. about what's happening to me....

But then there's this part of me that wants to share it with the world! I want to scream it from the rooftops! That I am so freaking excited and really want to document it... I really want to share my excitement.. I want to share the experience... I want to include people.... but then maybe I need to keep it for myself..... not make a big deal out of it.

I don't know what to do!!!

All I know.. is today my cousin and I made a tentative plan to leave at the start of April.... and for me to be in Victoria mid April - meeting my dad.

We have 14 stops scheduled.. almost every city there is a friend or family member waiting.

Nashville - Atlanta - New Orleans - San Anotonio - Pawhuska - Grand Canyon - Las Vegas - Yosemite - San Francisco - Yosemite - Mt Hood - Seattle - Vancouver - Victoria

I leave my oldest friend in Guelph and end up with the third of our triad in Vancouver.

Seeing people from my life..... staying with people from my life. .. sharing my excitement.

EEK!

I'm so scared to share.. Im so scared to document.. and I'm so scared to have the story of my past to be part of this.... to continue this story on this blog.. so that anyone who comes to read about this leg of my journey can go back at any point and watch my journey... I'm scared... embarrassed.... scared.

Bu if I knew that I would be bringing hope to atleast one person... I would gladly share my experience.

We will see.
Amanda

Choosing aloneness

It's an amazing thing to be in the midst of a total internal shift and to be aware of it...

watching my struggle with the conflict that has finally arisen inside me between being a smoker for 16 years and finally wanting to quit...

wanting so badly my whole life to have people that loved me.. who let me be me.. and were never mean... around me... and having that... and finding myself complaining about it...

watching as I come face to face with the things I do that annoy myself.... and the desire to change... and the fear ... the weird ass, uncomfortable fear that comes up and makes me have that next smoke.. makes me complain that next time...

I think I want to be alone again.

I got a new letter from Patrick.... my WHOLE life I have imagined meeting him.. my whole life I have played this out... and I ALWAYS wanted some one else there... I've always wanted other people to partake in my experience..... I wanted others to want to share....

I wanted to share the extreme joy I would have...

and then this letter came.... and the reality of us being able to see each other face to face came into view... and I asked myself how I would feel if my partner or friend was there... and I answered that I would be so concerned about them.. about how they are feeling, what they are thinking... what they are seeing... that I would be so in my head... that I wouldn;t be there with him.

I told J. Last week that I really wanted him to be there..... I was struggling with the fact that every time I mentioned it in the past he never showed any kind of attachment or excitement... and so I felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn;t care about... I wanted so badly to be able to share the experience with him... when I mentioned it the last time.. I asked him... would you come? and he said "we'll see." I was hurt.... hurt that it wasn't a priority.. and then I got the letter... and over the next 24 hours I went through thoughts... and I realized that by having another around me.. I won't be present... present with myself. present with the situation... I don't want ANYTHING to take me away from this experience. I have to be completely present....

when I told J. the next day "So I think I might have to go through this experience alone." he responded.. "ya probably."

ugh.

I have to be alone.

The truth of that statement is so overwhelming.. to CHOOSE to be alone.

To choose to be a non-smoker. To choose to write.. to choose to stretch and go for walks... to choose to be creative... to chose the people I love over everything else... to choose to be alone.

What a strange feeling the desire to be alone truly is. I suppose once you have kids.. you can never again truly be alone. But the mountains in their solitude call to me. The mountains and the ocean... the wildness.

and quiet aloneness calls to me.
for the first time in my life... my experiencing it is enough.... hopefully I'll get to share it.. but its nice to give myself permission to have the first time quiet. To allow what ever comes up to come up. to allow the experience.

So that's where I am at. Not knowing when... but knowing that it has to.... and wondering how I will evolve to accommodate the person I want to be.

and wondering how I am going to leave a man I adore.... to enter an experience that will change me. I will not return the same person.

I may never return. We may be able to stay together... or we may have to choose to break up.

ugh.. I don't even want to think about it.

I always told myself.... one day I will have to actually choose me over my partner.. and be the one to break up.. on no other premise than there was something I had to do...

:(
Amanda

type or it will leave you.

This voice comes into my head - you need to type.. if you don't it will leave you, never to be seen in quite the same way again.

It' a thought I hear quite often.. and I.. like you can see, have not typed very frequently. Perhaps it's that I believe that I am not a good enough writer.. that I have some kind of issue around admitting how much I love typing.. or maybe... its that I don't think myself worthy of enjoying something that I love.

If there is one thing I have noticed about myself.. I do very little to fill my heart.. I think... that's what I do... in all my spare time I am thinking.. analyzing, talking, listening...

I've been told my whole life I think too much... I talk to much..... I'm too sensitive....

I have come to see that my dedication to analyzing my life.. and forcing myself to learn and grow from the inside out... brings me to these very deep and noble questions... these thoughts that come swirling into the forground of my ability to translate.. and then dispurse like the mist disspears once the sun hits it.

So... I was thinking... If I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to give anymore to anyone... and I don't want to get anything from anyone.. what does that mean???

\I just hit this point in the past day. I am more exhausted than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can barely crack a smile.. I feel weighted... like a deep decision has to be made.... I watch how people react to each other and how it stings....

And then I think of James. When I am around him I never feel he needs anything from me. He never takes from me.... but then he never really asks me for anything either.... He doesn't need anything from me. AND he then becomes this space for me.... the safest space I have ever felt.

Where pure love resides.

and then I notice how uncomfortable that space truly is for me....

All the dithering thoughts of not getting my hopes up... not putting all my eggs... not assuming I know what the future is....

and realizing it is very VERY difficult for me to let myself be happy.

It's like I have convinced myself I am not allowed to be happy.

Maybe it's just recognizing that I feel a sense of shame being happy in the face of all the travesty going on around the world.

Maybe it's me feeling like "how do I have any right to be happy when so many people are suffering?"

and then I ask myself... well, how can you experience Joy right now? and I answered. Think about James.

and then I heard the voice to type.



*******

It is the one year anniversary since the note in the tree. It's the one year anniversary since seeing T. on the street and making peace with the Earth. It's thanksgiving. And if there is one thing I am thankful for its James.

I have never been loved the way he loves me. Not even by my mother.

When I lay in his arms the other day I finally understood what the whole confusion over the Oedipus complex. You want to marry the tenderness, the sweet, the kind, the thoughtful part of a good mom. You want to marry the comforting, the strong, the open, the loving, the courageous part of a good dad. And you want the other to complete you in a way you have never felt before where everything seems as though it is complete.

That;s how I feel.

We've been together for 11 months. We've lived together for 11 months... and the space he provides for me .. the space I provide for him... is the most kind, loving, gentle space for each other.

Last night we got home and I was feeling like my head was going to explode.... I was hugging him in the kitchen... and we were staring into each others eyes (which by the way took SOOOOO long, at first we couldn't even look at each other. Looking into each other's eyes was the scariest thing for both of us.)

So I was looking into his eyes.. and he started to move to the music.. its so easy to follow someone that is moving to the music and you are connected to.. you just follow their body... your body becomes theirs... and we were dancing. It's my favorite thing about James.. when we are together and able to just dance in the kitchen.

He said "you may have even gotten me to like dancing."

My heart swelled in a way I can't even describe... I got tears in my eyes and I felt moved to my very core. "Oh Jamie.. that is probably the biggest gift you could ever have given me. "

He looked at me.... hugged me tight and said "and maybe for me too. "

Such simple moments.

I think I want to stop there for now.
Amanda.

emitting theta waves - the grief cry

Again its been a while...

I do not know what makes me write or not write.... but most of the time I am just not feeling like putting aside time to share whats going on with myself, or anyone else... but then sometimes, what moves in me is so profound I am possessed to write... and nothing can stop me.

Today I have a sense of that and so have come back to the keyboard.

I was sitting at my dining room table last night, starting to share how my day was and I just had this enormous sadness pulse through me.... for the first time in a LONG time I let go and cried in front of my boyfriend and his best friend.... feeling totally vulnerable, silly, embarrassed, sad.... I sat there with my hands in my hands and cried... this pressure building up in my chest.... asking myself what the hell I was experiencing.....

When I calmed myself to look up the boys were trying to distract me... encouraging me to go hit something.... play a sport... shoot a bow and arrow.... get out the energy... but the voice in my soul told me I needed to cry. I needed to let THIS OUT and not change its form.

So I told them I needed to cry and walked outside. Stood in my driveway and just let myself cry..... the grief cry.

This week was a powerful week for me. I worked 50 hours last week... my feet felt like they were going to fall off my body.... I was physically, emotionally exhausted and so asked one of my co workers if they would take my Monday shift. Monday James and I ended up going to the Warsaw caves.

Just like everytime before.. it changed me again. 25/08/14 - I wrote a note to put in the tree that I found the last one in.

As soon as we made these plans my phone rang from someone looking for my boyfriend. Odd? He has been having this conversation with this man in Havelock aout trading a guitar he has for a compound bow and arrow.

As soon as we decided to go, he wrote the guy an email telling him we were going to be at the Warsaw caves. He called and we made tentative plans to meet at 2:00. We got there with 10 minutes to spare... they showed up right on time. Turns out the bow was a gift from the man's brother who sadly died in January.... you could see the sadness in him.... not wanting to give up the bow, but knowing that it was the right thing to do for himself..... I told him it was our honour.

He asked James what kind of music he plays... James told him rockabilly surfing style, "perfect, can you play a little?" The man wanted to learn what James already knows... so he played a little kneeling on the grass outside of the park entrance.

The exchange was made. The man had grown up close by but never had come down....the only story he had was of him and his brother together when they were young.... . healing.

We set off down the path... I wanted to Show James where the story I had told him had taken place. I lead the way, until the fork... and didn't know which way.. I had never taken the path up... only down... that time with the boys we ended up going off on our own.

When I don't know where I am going... I always worry that I am going to choose wrong.... I get stalled... I asked James where we should go.. "I don't know." But he could see my frustration with picking the wrong way and asked if I would like him to lead.. "Yes" I exclaimed with a sigh. Thank god... we ended up crossing these huge boulders... and then through the forest and then off to the left was this crevice... we walked through and sat down to have a smoke. As we sat there and admired our surrounding I looked over to see the water... I wondered if it was where I had crossed over last year... whether, it could.... be the same spot... after sitting for about 15 minutes I suggested we brave the poison Ivy and walk over to the water... almost the exact same point... we ended up walking across.... the sun shining down on us, it was certainly an existential moment.... I didn't hold James' hand.. I was barefoot. he had crocks.. fearless without worry he crossed, in his wake my carefully watched footing was covered with the silt he moved around while he eclipsed my path.... there I was, not 7 feet from the shore, up to my knees in beautiful water... andmy head was starting to get the best of me.. crawfish, serpants... pointy things.. I DO NOT LIKE discomfort..... as my head started getting the best of me I had to calm down.. I was surely going to fall. James was already on the big rock on the other side.... doing a little dance.. he suggested me throwing my shoes and cup to him.... again I was scared of throwing them into the water... "I don't have a good throw".. "Come on.. just do it, you are fine." So I did... everytime getting it straight to him... weird how we have these silly little fears of looking stupid... and how I have some ingrained thought about how I can't throw.... even though I can.

When all things were safe on the shore I got my balance.. stood there for a minute and took in the space... the irony of the first time doing this alone... and the second time with James... both times not holding anyone's hand.

He reminded me that I was wearing a bathing suit and that the worst thing to happen was for me to fall in. I balanced myself on the top of this rock, scared to step to the big rock that stood between me and the shore.. I asked him how slippery it was. would I be able to catch myself..... in his answer I told myself to just do it.. see for myself. I stepped.. the rock held, my foot held. He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.. stepping up, we stood there for a few minutes.. me reminded of the note.."crossing over always leads to something" -

I tried to remember where I saw the "hole in the ground" ... we climbed up to the top of the rock face..... that lead back to the path.... James lead when we got to the top.. I was all disoriented and told him the last time I let him lead he got me to where I wanted to go... so I trusted him this time.... he stopped to show me the different kinds of mushrooms he found.... and finally we came across the "Hole' James got in WITH me.... and when we thumped our feet on the floor it sounded hollow.... like a drum... he suggested that it would make a good sweat space.... I casually suggested it would be a good place to get married.... As we played out our ideas in our heads.. I saw the space as sacred once again.... He got out and I stayed, did a little Yoga in the hole and then bent down and made a little lean to with twigs.. remembering my kindergarten year at the waldorff school where we were taught about wood knomes and spent so much of our time making little houses for them to stay in.

James was off investigating... I finally went with and we found the main kettle... it was certain not that the 'hole' was a filled in version of this kettle' ... an EARTH DRUM.

We left and ended up going up to the look out, passing what I like to call the "love tree" a tree that starts off as one then branches apart about a foot above the ground into two separate trees that grow parallel.

We got up to the lookout then turned back.

The whole rest of the walk I contemplated how I much I am in my head and how much I pay attention.. and how I walk.

I had taken my shoes off, and like the first time my feet felt renewed. It was exactly what I needed.

I had decided on the walk that I was going to write on the little note my name... so that I could maybe know who found the note.. but as we were nearing the tree, we came across this family trying to get through the narrow space. we waited.. I heard the old man in the back yell to the younger men... insome other language... I laughed and said outloud "I wish I knew what he just said"... the younger man said " he said , is the water close?" it wasn't far... but definitely not the easiest walk for an elderly person.

when I turned back James was gone, and a space had been cleared, so I thanked the young man and took off up the trail.. giggling ot myself how fitting it was what the man had yelled.... how his tone had said the same thing.

As I neared the tree I came face to face with this woman of about 40 or so. The tree disappeared, I wanted to know her. I said hello and asked where she was from....Isreal....  'Nazareth' she said... she was visiting.

'Of course I thought...I'm meeting someone from Nazereth at the Warsaw Caves.... The universe has an interesting sense of humour....

Immediately I got this overwhelming feeling of sadness.... my eyes started to well up..

"I am so sorry what is going on in your country" fell from my mouth.

We stared at eachother... "it's ok... I am on vacation, not a time to think of these things, we are here to enjoy."

I smiled, of course.. but I am still sorry.... "welcome, I am so glad I met you.. this is  a special place... I won't keep you any longer... have a lovely day...I'm Amanda, nice to meet you. We shook hands and she responded with her name."

I turned around and james was there waiting for me. I took his hand as I passed the rest of the family.. smiling and saying hello.

We arrived at the parking lot. How ironic it was that we hadn't seen anyone since the start of our walk.. and now we saw 3 familes. We went to the car... and then decided to go down to the beach for a swim.

The only time I had been down to the beach was the second time I had gone with the boys last fall... in the dark I had made my way down to the water... the mist coming up off... I stepped in to my knees, but didn't know the water and started to get scared so came back out. I had heard dogs/cayotes/wolves howling that night... and without knowing the terrain I was happy with not venturing any further.. this time was in the day.. kids making a water slide out of sand.. it meandering down the hill into the water.. a young boy with down syndrome stood on the bank of the river with dolls in his hand, looking at us... I spoke to his mom for a minute "what a handful! She smiled. "ya.." "Are they all yours?" "Three are mine, 2 are friends." Well that's nice"..

I walked into the water and then said "Hi" to the little boy.. before I could even finish the word "Hi" came out of his mouth.. "how are y-" "good." he brightened me.

James said "come look at these rocks."

I went in... the water never got past my waistline... but the ground was all rock.... as we stood there, James mentioned how the rocks felt weird... "like they are there and you are pushing down on them"... Its a difficult feeling to explain.. but basically, with the gentle current, you feel like the rocks are floating and you are the heavy one.

we walked up the river... and I floated back.

We ended up leaving shortly after... met another family, a lovely man who has visited here at least a dozen times and camped at least a half dozen times.... his favorite place.

My favorite place.

we ended up stopping in on friends of mine... but they weren't home... so I took James to Youngs point... there we sat out on a patio overlooking the very first place I remember as a kid at our family reunions.. the inlet that is my great uncles leagacy.

We ended up having the lovliest dinner... and when I finally got the chance to talk to the waitress, it turned out she was the owner.. her and her husband.

She was lovely and their story was touching.

As we were leaving I went into the washroom to find a poster ... an old poster for my great uncle's realstate...

crazy.

...

The next day I worked in Peterborough with the woman I work with with special needs. I want her privacy to always be respected... so I won't talk much about her here.... if ever... but because of the privacy issues I have ahard time processing the things I see and feel at work.... yesterday was a particularly difficult day.... and the pain she was in.... ugh.

I got home and after about an hour started to talk about how I was feeling so overwhelmed.. and broke down...

I found myself walking out to the field.... crying and pounding my chest, my diaphragm, my stomach, my throat.... feeling different spaces of heaviness come up.... tapping my body and letting myself let the energy go... making deep sighing sounds.... crying.... tapping my whole body I saw that I was letting out feelings that had blocked spaces of my body for so long I was being possessed to awaken these places in my body.. feel the thump thump of my hands on it... helping the tension lessen... I thought this must be why EFT and bowen work.... because when you let your body take over it wants you to release the tension....

watching how my voice changed with the rhythm of my thumping.. I spent an hour out there in the field... stretching.... breathing.... feeling....

In my despair I felt that this pain has always lived in my heart... its the only time I have ever had temper tantrums... when the sadness in my heart is so overwhelming.... when I feel the pain of the earth.. the pain of the world.. and can't do anything to change it.

In that moment I remembered when Ivan left last summer, sitting in my car.. heaving with sadness I had to laugh... to be thankful for the pain.... to recognize that I wouldn't change any moment, for everyone teaches me more and more about myself.

The deepest sadness is accompanied with the lightest happiness.. you can't get the light without the dark... I felt how scared I am to be happy when I have such compassion for the world and for all the suffering..

the only answer in my soul is that I have been through lives of suffering... and that it is only through living through love and showing others that it is possible will I ever have a chance of making a difference...

So I take humble happiness... that I will enjoy my life and live it the way I want.. BECAUSE I CAN... and so many people can't... that I will love myself enough to honour that I am allowed to enjoy my freedom.. enjoy my life and send love to all those in the world so they too can one day find peace.... and let go of their anger.... let go of their sadness.... and be themselves... at their deepest level.

We are going to the petroglyphs... and then I have to work.

Gotta run.

xo
love and light.
angels on your pillow.