Being terrified to take responsibility

Here is the letter I just wrote T. While I was writing it I was sorting out feelings I have been having.. and then just at the end of the letter I felt like I couldn't send it... and the voice in my heart came through and I wrote at the end of the letter what it said.

*****

You are the man I fear most. How interesting. Every time I go anywhere downtown I am always terrified to see you. I have tried to figure out how I am going to act.. whether I am going to pretend I don't know you, or pretend that I am mad, or pretend that I am happy...introduce myself, or ignore you, and sometimes I think if I see you I will just leave.... but that's retarded... that these thoughts about the uncomfortability that awaits our meeting up circle through my head constantly.. and have all year.

I have sat with crazy sexist diplomats from Iraq and told them that they were rediculous for not valuing their daughters.. and you scare me more than that.

To realize how open and honest I have been with you over the past 8 months. To have essentially had a conversation with myself for 8 months... hoping I was assuming right about what you needed to hear, what I needed to say, what you were feeling.. trying to sort out my own feelings... with no feedback, no validation that I have been right... no recognition about whether my letters have helped you in any way...

I have days where I tell myself that I am and have been an idiot and I have asked myself why I have tortured myself over this whole thing when it could have ended 8 months ago.. but then I remind myself that every letter to you was a breakthrough in being vulnerable... every time I felt scared and uncomfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with you and did it anyways I conquered a part of me that thought I was unlovable because I think the way I do, or I behave the way I do.

This last letter was the worst... and now the anxiety around seeing you is the worst its ever been.

I don't know what posessed me to write that last letter... except my heart told me that being honest about those feelings I have been avoiding... and that it was important that I figure out what I was feeling... it truly has been in writing these letters that has given me the clarity I have needed to move forward...

I know being vulnerable with you has shown me that I want to be completely authentic with a partner.. but man it scares the fucking shit out of me.

Now you are a stranger who knows the deepest parts of me... as though I gave you my diary to read...

I know we are going to run into eachother at one point... if I act weird its just cause I have said so much in 8 months... I feel rejected and vulnerable and still love you.... which is a confusing place for strangers.

I hope that we can both find the maturity to accept what we both have done... that I have been relentless in not letting go.. and being vulnerable.. and subsequently have made you feel incredibly uncomfortable and confused... and you have kept me completely in the dark on how any of this has landed and what has been going on for you... which makes me feel uncomfortable and confused..... but the truth is we have met. we DO know eachother intimately.

It would be really nice if we could just be like old friends meeting.... friends with love and history... I guess ultimately just because it never worked out between us. I don't want there to be any resentment... which I suppose its me that's struggling with.

I guess maybe I know this had to happen this way.. but I resent the fact that you won't talk to me. and I resent the fact that you have never made me feel better about the choices I made.

A. - you cannot control this situation. T. is going to feel however he is going to feel... and you are going to feel how you are going to feel and you can't orchestrate it. You just said that you wished he would make you feel better about your choices..it is NOT his responsibility to make you feel better. You made the choice.. you accepted the consequences. You cannot put that on him.

When you see him.. behave the way you behave with everyone.. smile and say hi. It'll be ok.

******

good letter. Just reread it. Don'tknow if I should send it. Feel torn. I think maybe just let it go... and allow anything to happen and not try to plan it. or figure it out. stop managing yourself. its ok to be nervous.. its ok to be hurt.. its ok to be thankful and uncomfortable and confused. LOVE. its every emotion all wrapped up into one. accepting every emotion is full self acceptance. let it happen.
--

Do not follow the path that others lead, but rather go where there is no path, and leave a trail.

Two roads diverged in a wood... and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost

Deep gratitude

I have this deep sense of calm right now. A deep formidable gratitude for all that is...
This winter... this past 8 months... this past year has been by far the most difficult I have ever faced. Yes, I have faced many obstacles in my life, but never the pressure cooker that I have found myself in over the past year.

This year has been trully a dive into myself, into the deepest parts of me, with only my determination to come out on the otherside a better person.

I have come to see that life is a process... one of countless cause and effect. I have, like all people I know been self critical throughout the years... basing my interpretation of myself on the opinions of others. I can see that most of the people that I have needed to seek approval from are those I have most sought after for guidance and for support.

This past year has shown me the depth of independence I contain, and that I am a different person than I once thought.

I believe now that we do not have the capabilities of really understanding ourselves, or the world we live in until we can be present with ourselves and spend time investigating who we are and what we want in life.

It has been, and continues to be, an interesting process of self evaluation and unlearning. I can see that the freedom I have obtained has been through believing in myself above all others. In recognizing the inner voice whose sole role is to guide me to who I am supposed to be.

I can see that much of my behaviour over the years, although judged by me and judged by others was infact exactly what my path was supposed to be and has afforded me the opportunity to understand myself in ways that had I not behaved in such a way.. I would still be confused about who I really am and what I want.

This entire experience with T. has been incredibly challenging, but I am in deep gratitude for what I have learned about myself in the process, and my experience with him has exposed the importance of the process. Of believing in my heart enough to stretch myown capacities, way beyond my comfort zone, thus leading to a deep understanding of myself.

I honestly do not believe I will ever feel the same way about another man, because he has been on the other side of this journey... that he knows the very depths of me now... more than any other man... and I have to let go of being able to explain this journey to anyone else.

I have no idea how he feels... but inside I feel that he feels it too. I have made a pact with myself to allow the process in letting go, allowing myself to live the life I have before me and accept that the time has yet to come where we can share our physical space.

I have no idea if we will eventually become lovers... or friends... but I know that we have shared something deeply profound and at one point in our lives we will be at a point where we can talk about it.

To be witness to my own development, to my healing... I can see that I cannot rush him.. that he must come to the same place of forgiveness and gratitude, and only then will we trully be able to be authentic with eachother.

Life is a process. We cannot rush our growth, and although we judge our lives and the events of our lives, it is through these experiences that we get to know ourselves.

I have come to a place where I know that my life is divinely executed.

I would have never written my story the way it has happened, but I am so very grateful for not having had the opportunity.

I could never have even imagined that I would ever feel this free, this relaxed about my life, the events of my life and myself.

I was trying to remember this evening what it used to feel  like inside me and what I feel like now. Although its difficult to return to that place I feel it was a sense of desperation, of not understanding... of wanting to believe it all happened as it should, but feeling as though I was unloved and unappreciated.

It has only been through surviving, getting to know myself and isolating myself to learn what I really want and believe in, that I have come to see that it was always my interpretation, my misunderstanding of love, that I couldn't grasp.

Love permeates everything. It lays dormant under the snow... and it is spring, the melting of the cold exterior that we are able to see the beauty.

I can see now that I have always been acutely aware that love exists.... and as a result the actions of the ones I love, when it is not in allignment with love, have not only confused me, but challenged my own interpretation of love...as though perhaps I am wrong.

What I see now is that my love trully is unconditional and unjudgmental... that I have been right all along, and persevering through other people's crap has finally afforded me the opportunity to be present to a shift in how others relate to me.

It has been my perseverance and my determination to walk in the space of love that has afforded me this chance... and how grateful I am for the opportunity.

For the first time in my life I am not seeking a partner to complete me. I enjoy the company of men, but their attention, their desire to be part of my life no longer dictates how I feel about myself.

The space in my heart that felt as though no one would ever love me no longer exists... because I finally love myself.

There are still areas of my life that I need to work on, but it is the love I have of myself, finally, that has me inspired to fulfill the dreams I have around my body, my mind and my spirit.

For the first time in my life I can see my outer person, reflecting the vibrant, confident woman I have become.

I do hope that one day I will have a man that wants to share my experience of llife with me... but I am ok if that doesn't happen... spreading my love throughout my circle of friends sounds just as wonderful, and my acceptance of my sexuality allows me the confidence to know, I will always find a man to love.. even if only for a night.

*****
I am so thank ful for the spring. I can feel the excitement in my heart about what this next season will offer me. The growth and the love.

Winters like the one we just had really allow for the little things to be gifts. The sound of frogs chirping, the feeling of a wind that doesn't chill me to my bones, the sounds of birds and the length of the days. It is the simplest things found in nature that I am most greateful for.. and I feel that it is trully to her that I am responsible to. She is the only being that can handle me... I was created from her... and thus must be loved by her as well. In deep gratitude for life. and for learning how to enjoy patience.. how to enjoy process.. how to enjoy life.

Namaste.

ALLOW...be sexual. be loving. be you.

It's so weird....

I feel this clarity right now around men... around the ones I love... I don't know if I am right but it seems like it fits.

women are taught to be sensitive and subordinate... Men are taught to look strong no matter how they feel... So you have strong women who haven't figured out their emotions yet and so show them and men who never deal with their emotions and appear like they do.

I realized this week that in order for men to become whole they have to allow their emotions... and women need to embrace their sexuality.

I realized that I love one night stands because the sex isn't caught up in any emotion.. its just raw, free and fun... that the second their are feelings around losing the person self consciouness settles in which is totally equated in the bedroom.

I remember times where I was scared that a guy would think less of me if I slpt with him in the first date. In fact the two men that I waited for were the two men I ended up dating.

If only guys didn't judge women for wanting sex as much as they do.

Its like guys go for the "housewife" who is innocent and "perfect" when what they really want is the girl who would fuck them in a bathroom for fun... imagine that was your wife!

Its just weird its like we have it all fucked up in our heads... we set ourselves up for failure....

I can see that I was a different person in the bedroom in both of my relationships... and I can see as soon as I didn't care what C. thought and we started sleeping together for the next 4 years its was SOOOOOO much fun. We would watch movies, have sex a bunch of times and then say good bye and go on with our lives. But after we would both feel guilty.. I know I convinced myself that I was a slut or some version of hating myself for not allowing him to use me... and he, I'm sure, convinced himself that he was just using me and hurting me.... and then we'd do it again.... without ACTUALLY realizing that it conforted us, it made us happy .. and yes when we said god bye it sucked.. but we wouldn't change what happened.

Its like we convince ourselves of weird excuses in order to justify the behaviour that we naturally do with what we think is "right". It's stupid.

I have also realized that the people who hurt you the most REALLY are the ones that LOVE you the most. they have n conceivable idea of what real love ACTUALLY looks like... their templateis all fucked.... so you are the only thing that can right the template.

I saw it last week with my family. As though nothing had ever happened.... they were so loving and kind, and generous... they gave me eggs and a couple chickens they raised. It was so kind.. and I could tell it was making up for the past... in what ever small way they could.

That I have been showing them what real love is.

I have realized that I have played this game of life rather stealthily without even realizing it. When I am hurt I appologize or avoid... I never retaliate and I never hurt back in any way... I want to fix the problem. Fixing it is better than hurting the other person.

So with my family everytime they hurt me I just stop calling... thinking well if they want me in their life... they will call... I take it personally and think that they don't love me.. and then convince myself that they do and try again. Unbenonced to me I really was right. They do love me...... they are just scared of themselves... they are just scared of LIFE!

I am a complete juxtaposition for everyone... I have lived a beautiful life inside very little means... I have stayed true to my heart and I am sexual... I have been poor and travelled the world... I have made life work for me.... and I am still happy.... I am everything people want to be.... but to be that they would have to face their fears... so its WAAAAY better to just keep me away and keep the posibilities at a distance.

Everyone convinces themselves that they have to grow up... in fact adults even make you feel bad for not being more responsible.. when you are having the time of your life..

The world convinced me that who I was was somehow irresponsible... and yet my life is the result of being completely responsible to my heart...and look how I turned out!

Not a soul in the world is my enemy. In fact I would hazzard that no one could say a bad thing about me. ... yes I talk too much, and I talk about men too much, I get sad a lot and can be annoying.... but i doubt that there is a person who could say I was ever mean to them.

So then maybe being sexual is the best thing that ever happened to me?

Maybe wanting to embody the sexuality of men is what kept me sane?

I realized that in my weakest moments I sought out the one thing in the universe designed SPECIFICALLY for pleasure... that all these years I thought that there was something wrong with me that I did that... and now I am seeing that it kept me sane. It allowed me to stay open to people.. it allowed me to realize that humans are all great... it allowed me the opportunity to see men, alot of men, from the other side.... I got to see their insecurities right away.

Most of the men I have slept with have told me secrets they never have told anyone.... it was a privelede to share their bed. And yes, sometimes I was sad to see them go... and sometimes, when I was really hating on myself I would resent them or reduce them to no big deal.....

but right now, looking back... wach one of them changed me in some way. Each one of them showed me how broken and scared they were... and how much they just wanted to be loved.

Its amazing how we all keep love at bay.... criticizing ourselves for just being ourselves... using a template we were taught as kids to measure our worth, our morality, our desires.... supressing ourselves and blaming others.... when all we have to do is be free. Allow ourselves to be ok with who we are...

look back on our lives and really believe we did the best things for ourselves with what we know... recognize that we were WRONG. .. and I believe changing behaviour.. to be honest is becoming more like me.

ALLOW life. Be sexual. Be loving. Be you.

Allowing

I have been feeling in the very depths of me for quite sometime that what I am not good at is allowing. I would have, a week ago, said receptivity... but I came across this youtube video that explained it all to me in a way that I could finally digest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKtSVSedii0&list=WLC7B27B4B9B8210DB

It's good to feel good.

listen to it.

Through the various things in my life over the past month I have come to peace with so many things. And I can finally see that if you take away all the faces of the people I have known... there are 6 billion people and THESE are the ones I got... so they were/ are there to teach me the lessons I needed to get to get to here.... so really they are just living their own lives... and here I am bumping into them.. wishing that they would change... wishing that they would be different... but they can't help where they are at on their own journey.. and that I have to stop being mad at people for not being the people I wish they were... and stop being myself for being mad at myself for loving them regardless of their behaviour.

and that ladies and gentlemen is the key to existance.... taking back your power....

I realized that I use men to fulfill a space in me.. and it doesn't matter if they enjoy it.. I use them to feel good.. and its ok, there is nothing wrong with it....so long as I can recognize that I do that... and therefore be responsible for when it is an even exchange of goodness.

I gave my happiness to T., to allthe men in my life and said "if y ou don't change I will be sad for my whole life." How daunting a declaration like that is... to see that's what I have done my whole life... declaring that I will only be happy if people treat me the way I deserve.. instead of saying "i'm going to treat myself with love.... and be happy.. no matter what you do!"

I will always love T. and I will always love every man I have ever shared a bed with... just because they shared my space and I am in gratitude for that.... that I can love... but that my life's happiness, and my dreams are no longer tied up in anyone else' life.

In the past few weeks I have also started to really come to terms with my sexuality.

To be honest its the scariest things for me to look at... to be honest about... I don't really talk about what goes on in the bedroom with anyone.... I used to type it here to keep me honest... but I, as I got older stopped, deleted posts.. and got scared of the world finding out who I really am...

but over the past three weeks I have been talking to this guy I know and we have been sharing all our sexual fantasies.. and I can't even tell you what has been coming up for me. 

I orgasm every time just talking to this guy....

****

I met a woman at the farmers market a few weeks ago that asked me if I was a taurus.I said "no, another strong sign" and she said.. well there are alot, "scorpio..."

ya that's me.

"oh you know that scorpio is the most sexual sign?"

"yes, I know."

"and she is ruled by her orgasm"

"ya, I get that... and yet that's where I have to most trouble... letting myself orgasm."

"well when you learn to harness your orgasm.. you will truly have come into yourself."
******

an interesting conversation with a stranger...she told me I should bring my chart to her the following week so she could read it... I'm waiting on the results.

Since that conversation I have been thinking about it... how difficult it is for me to orgasm... how difficult it is for me to be honest with anyone about my seex life... even myself... as though I hide myself from myself and how much I enjoy what I have done....

and how having multiple partners has taught me how to be an amazing lover...

I think that one of our biggest problems as a society is our uncomfortability around sex. People are miserable in their relationships and don't leave because they feel like they are bad people... yet they are miserable... again saying that their happiness is completely reliant on that one person as opposed to saying... I'm going to go find someone who makes me happier.

This weekend I finally realized what I want. I want it all.

I want a man who loves and adores me, but wants to have crazy passionate sex.... who would pretend with me at a bar that we don't know eachother so that I can pick him up...who wants me so badly cant wait til we get home so wants to fuck me in the bathroom.

I want to have a threesome and not feel uncomfortable... I want to be fucked and not feel used. I want to be dominated and then cuddled after and told that I'm loved.... I want us to fulfill all our fantasies without any judgment... and know that we love eachother to always make the other person feel safe and secure and cared about while fulfilling those fantasies.

The nice thing about one night stands is you lose all inhibition.. most of the time I was drunk... and it was exciting.... its fun to rip someone's clothes off, just cause you can.... and explore someone new's body.... and not give a shit about what they think.. what they are going to think...

and I want that in a relationship.... the catch? I want a best friend who wants to have crazy passionate sex with me... while not having any of our life decisions revolve around eachother....

and that is probably the hardest thing in the world to do... completely detached love.

I honestly don't even know if I could handle it... because I am so used to thinking that my partner would only sleep with me... and we would live close... but if there is one thing I know its that my life takes me to so many places.. and if I am to live the life I was born to live... I can't just stop following my heart because its inconvenient for a relationship.. but then I don't think I should be without partnership just because I may leave.... I just want a relationship that is completely free and authentic and both me and him know that we are safe with eachother.... and recognize that we love eachother... even if that doesn't mean spending our entire llives together.

this realization about how I want a dirty sex life along with love has me being so clear about what I want.... and I am feeling deeply available to the universe to give me what ever it thinks I need to get there.

Right now I am feeling no need to chase or get a man... because if he fits those parameters he's going to want me the second he meets me... and hes going to be enlightened enough to want the same thing as me.. and anything less is just bullshit.

And I can orgasm when I want now. :) the trick... let yourself make sound!!!!!!!!!!