sometimes you are just where you are supposed to be.. part 2

So I met this guy last week at the local bar.. he seemed really great and we talked about all sorts of things,,, in fact he even ended up inviting himself on my trip at Christmas to Indonesia... I was flattered and of course all these crazy fantasies started rolling around in my head... I said good night to him at the bar with a little butterfly in my stomach only to have him call me on my way home to thank me for a great night and great conversation and to confirm that he would see me again the next day...

I assured him he would and hung up.

the next day he wasn't where he said he would be.. and then called to apologize that he had slept in, but asked if we could meet up later... there was already plans to go to the local bar again.. so I said I'd be there.. we spent the night chatting, and although I was surprised and how ridiculously drunk he was at the end of the night he asked if I would come home with him and I said yes...

on the way home I gave him shit for being so drunk.. for running out of money etc... and when he got defensive I realized that maybe he wasn't the kind of guy that deserved to be mocked and that perhaps my busting his balls was having the opposite effect than I had intended so stopped...

I spent the night with him... then the next day... he cooked for me, played the guitar, watched movies.. it was delightful.. then at one point he confessed something about his past that sort of bothered me, but I let slide... by the end of the night I had confessed that it had bothered me, we had talked about it, so when he asked me to stay again... I said yes. oh I should tell you... I didn't sleep with him... and of course.. you know why.

When we woke up in the morning he wouldn't budge... wouldn't kiss me, wouldn't even say good bye to me... so I left, I am resolved in life these days to not pine for things that aren't given to me openly and not want things that aren't good for me... so I left without any protests.. except of course in ,my own head!

That night he called and apologized for not waking up... he ended up calling me every night all week just to check in talk for a few minutes then get off... by Thursday I was excited to see him again, so when I walked into the bar and he was trashed again I was a little disappointed.. I had spent the week debating whether or not he would be the kind of guy I would want to date and concluded that I would just live in the now and not analyze it too much...

well we hung out and after a few hours he confessed that he was worried that it had all been a mistake.. that I was a good girl and that he didn't want to hurt me... something I protested... but eventually said.. "i will tell you once that you are good enough for me and that we can try to make it work, but only once... I won't spend my time trying to convince you"

I spent the next few hours being really upset and confused over the whole thing.. telling my friends... trying to not like him.. being angry that here I thought I was deciding whether to proceed.. and he was the one cutting off any hopes for anything...

well this is where my old self got the best of me.. and despite his declaration of nothing going to happen between us, I still went home with him...

we didn't sleep together again, but still had fun.. and then ended up spending the next day together... me being embarrassed that I had complained about him the night before and here I was hanging out with him like nothing had happened.. I was worried what my friends would think of me.. not only that they would think I was ridiculous but that the person that they thought of me, this strong, independent person was a facade... and that in fact I was an impostor...

well we ended up having a lovely day... hanging out with his friends... all of us tending to do our own thing.. at the end of the night we headed downtown and the girls wanted to go to Karaoke.. so we went.. by 3am...I decided to leave because we had planned on going to this mask festival the next morning... they had all said they would come... and even though he was trashed he promised he'd wake up... I had the flashback of him not moving the previous Monday... seeing how drunk he was, I didn't expect much, but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I went home and went to sleep... in the morning.. I called.. and texted to no avail... I called and texted the other single girl that was there too... also to no avail... they were MIA.. so I went off with my friends to the festival...

Upon arriving at the festival we met this very nice guy... he seemed jovial, full of life and when we got to talking he was very interesting.. I later found out that he was the same age as me, which shocked me, but tangent... He ended up asking me if I wanted a stuffed animal as we walked through the different fair games... and seeing as no one had ever won me anything I accepted the offer.. he won me this Korean doll from the game where you have to pop balloons... we all took off and ended up in this open area... and he called his friends who were supposed to meet up with him.

Then my friends took off... I felt inclined to follow them, so I turned to go and he said.. well I have to stay here... so I guess this is good bye.. I guess it is.. and then took off. I ended up following my friends for about 30 minutes to this food gala thing.. and was bored silly.. thinking how it would be nice to get his phone number... and being bored, I realized that I didn't have to be miserable.. I could in fact go off on my own... so I did.

I informed my friends that i was going to go off on my own... with full intention of returning or meeting up with them in a short while i wanted some time to myself.. and if I ran into the guy again.. it wouldn't be so bad... while I was leaving I was thinking to myself how my girlfriends weer thinking I was on a mission to find this stranger.. and started to feel the judgements creeping in.. but never minded them and took off.. I spent about 30 minutes on y own when I ran into him and his friends again...

oh I forgot to tell you.. at one point I had been stopped by this girl who had asked me where I had gotten the doll... I told her.. and then because she looked so enthusiastic about it, I asked her if she wanted it.. and gave it to her...

So when I ran into the guy and his friends again.. the first thing he asked was where the doll was.. I had to confess that I had given it away.. he joked about it.. his friends joked about it.. and then they invited me to join them for something to eat...

After, they invited me to go see the mas dance.. the only reason I had come to the festival int he first place.. so I said yes... when we got there, there was a line up and this stranger came up to me and gave me 3 tickets for free... ahhhh KARMA!

So we went and watched the show... at one point I texted my friends.. and they said they were eating.. so I stayed...

After on our way out.. we came across this stand that was selling bubbles... and so played for 30 minutes with these little kids and bubbles.. it was soo much fun!

About 20 minutes later I ran into my friends again.. and told them about how much fun I had had.... in asking them what they had been up to I got this sense of resentment and judgement upon seeing that i was hanging out with the original guy... I was having so much fun that I decided i couldn't be bothered with their negative energy so I decided to continue my afternoon with my new friends... by the time the evening had rolled around I was thoroughly enjoying myself.. even though the guy had given me no reciprocation in being attracted to me... so when his friends invited me back to their town for the night I thought it would be fun...

At first I declined their invite because of what I thought my friends might think of me... but then when asked for a second time I decided why the fuck not!

So I tried calling my friends.. but no one responded... so I left, letting another guy that was travelling with them know that I wasn't going to come home with them...

On my way out of the city I felt that I knew I was being judged.. they were all going to think I was going off to another city with some strange guy... not that there is anything wrong with that.. and there's not much saying I wouldn't do that... I still felt judged...and embarrassed... but figured they'd get over it..

well when we got to their town I checked for when the last bus was leaving, just in case I did decide on going back home...

we ended up having a lovely dinner and when I was just about to leave they asked me to stay... promised me a good night.. so I stayed..

we ended up at this foreigners bar... and I drank and played darts and had a great time...

At the bar I met this group of Engineers from Scotland.. a great group of men... all of which were in their 40s and 50s... except for 2.. one of which was really excited to be going home the following week to see his GF and the other... a very handsome, 6'4" intriguing man.. RS... We talked for a little but then he went off with his friends...

The night turned later and me and the Scottish folk sang along with Frankie on the sound system.. it was great.... but I couldn't stop thinking about this RS guy... so as my intoxication increased.. I finally got out the nerve and confronted him...

Not sure exactly what I said.. but I lead with "well that was the longest 10 minutes in the history of the world" he asked what i meant... and then without any restraint I gave him shit for saying he'd be back and then never return:P or well return a couple hours later...

In so many well placed words I suggested that I wanted to sleep with him... but oddly enough it started off with, I'm the kind of girl guys fall in love with... they are terrified of me, because I really am what I say I am... I'm honest and kind.. and well I'm a great catch... so I'm not expecting that... just one night... no strings... would that be ok with you???" LOL... well I didn't expect any other response than the one I got.. I don't know where that whole I'm the kind of girl that men fall in love with came from.. because well we all know that no one has ever been in love with me... but I guess that's how I've changed in the past 6 months.. I realize that I really am great.. and if I am going to have a one night stand its not cause that's all I can get, but that's what I want...

He wanted to leave right away... but I asked to stay a little longer.. so we drank and hung out with his friends...

We chatted and he surprised me by giving me space to talk about my mom and opening up about some things about his family...

at about 2am we left and went back to his hotel room...
The night just got better and better.. he turned out to be this fantastic guy.. we talked and laughed and listened to music, he made me feel so comfortable... and sexy, and satisfied.. he was all about me.. and I all about it him...  he was lovely..

The next morning he had to go to work... and although I protested, the fact that even after an hour of sleep he was trying to be responsible was a crazy turn on.... I knew that that would be it for us... even though I was a little disappointed by it... I kissed him good bye... left my number "just in case" and left.

On my way home all I could think of was how perfect it had all worked out... even though I was walking into an environment where I had to explain and justify me leaving my friends I didn't regret any of it... RS showed me... like DB had that great guys do exist.. and here I was thinking about the Indonesian guy.. willing to overlook the things that severely bothered me about him ( not to mention the fact that he had basically rejected me and I was still wanting it to work) when RS walked into my life and showed me the guy that I want... the guy I eventually want to be with really does exist... and the men I am meeting just get better and better.... that he's just right around the corner...

So I guess, despite all life's crazies... sometimes you really are, just where you are supposed to be!

Sometimes you are just where you are supposed to be...

Well its been a while... and well its certainly been a while since I wrote anything about my sex life... so no, since I came to Korea I haven't been completely without... but, like I've said before I'm looking for more, so I'm trying to be a little more cautious about who I sleep with and my motivations behind it.. and I think in 6 months I can honestly say I haven't slept with anyone because i'm depressed or any other negative emotions...

I'm not sure what I've written about my life in the past 6 months... but tonight I had a friend over and she was asking about sex advice and so I was telling her.. and then I felt compelled to share this blog with her... rereading some of my experiences was fun.. I laughed and relived some of the craziness that has been my life over the past 2 years. I also realized I really liked writeng about these experiences...its also like a documentation of my life.. from a different perspective.. and so thus fel compelled to write about my most recent activities with men... if for no one else... for myself!

So, just to catch you up... when I first got here there was this guy I met through friends... he was English and the first night we met we hung out and chatted all night and he kept coaxing me to come home with him... or II guess to come home with me because he was currently staying at a friend's house... I politely said no... you wish and at 5:30am... drove away in a cab blowing a kiss...

after that we had run into each other 4 times... always with a little hint of maybe we should sleep together. Then one night we were at the bar and one of his oldest friends had come down from Seoul and was watching us together and told us how great we were together and how I was perfect for him... that he needed a girl like me in his life... well the approval of the friend is always nice... we flirted all night.. and then at the end of the night he ended up losing his keys, so I invited him back to my place...

He came back here and he made out with me... it was soooo hot and more than anything I wanted to sleep with him.. but like I've said time and time again when I like someone I don't sleep with them... so I said no... everyone cell in my body screamed at me for saying no, but I said no none-the-less.... he left the next morning...

the next time I saw him I had sort of gotten over my little concerns for waiting and by the end of the night I really just couldn't wait any longer so I asked him if I could come home with him... he seemed a little weird about it but then was like sure... we took the cab back to his house... by the time we almost had walked from where the cab had droped us off to his front door he realized he had left something really important back at the bar... so being the well trained gf that I am I took off down the street, walking as fast as I could back to the bar... him following slowly behind me...

I got back to the bar.. my feet killing me, found his lost articles... hoping of course that I would be readily thanked for my excursions off in high heels to find his lost things...

Well we walked back to his house, when we got home we hung out for a bit, ended up having an impromptu water fight laughed and teased eachother... and then got into bed.. we were making out when his friend showed up because he had taken his phone! Embarrassed, but thank god fully clothed, I helped him find his phone and got him out of the house....

well that was it with that... the following weekend we ended up running into eachother and he ended up telling me that he had been cool to me all day because he didn't want anything more than friends... What you were being stand=offish with me? hadn't noticed... lol I was pissed... I mean he had basically full out ignored me all day... barely looked at me and was now hitting on another girl that was with us... ironically a friend that had been there the first night we had met... Anyways, he then went on to tell me that that night had been a mistake...

are you kidding me?

I called him on I said.. so what about all the times before that when he had asked me to come home with him? how about all the times he had gotten sober between those times??? Did he not decide before that night that maybe he didn't want to sleep with me?? Bull shit!

Then he said I had just followed him home.. that he didn't really want me there!

Oh save me the time.. I basically looked at him dead in the eye and said "save your bullshit for someone else... I don't have time for this... grow some balls.. if you don't like me fine.. but don't lie about it or make it into something its not... AHHHH rethinking about it makes me so mad... anyways, we all ended up going off and doing separate things.. I ended up running into him again later at another bar... and he made sure to tell me he was leaving when the friend had asked to leave... cause of course I wanted to know. just incase she hadn't figured out nothing else was ever going to happen...

So that was English boy.

The next guy that something happened was an old friend of mine. I headed up to Seoul for a weekend... and we had been talking for ages... I won't write too much about him because I don't like writing too much about people I know or friends... But basically we have a very innocent history one with us having talked for 6 years about liking eachother... sometimes about sex, sometimes just about thinking eachother is hot... but he's here and I had met him in Uni and nothing had ever happened except a first kiss the first time I met him...

So he's here in Korea... this guy that I had been fantasizing about for years... and we had talked on msn a few times... we had planned on meeting up... he had said that he had really liked me but always fucks these kinds of things up... and well I didn't know at the time... but he was right!!!

So I went to Seoul, and when I called him when I got there he didn't respond to my call... I let it be and then at about 12am at this music fest I was at.. he randomly shows up... 6 years... and randomly he's there... trashed... but I had had this fantasy in my head and his drunken ass wasn't going to ruin for me... I ended up going back to his place... I'll spare you the unexcitement of the whole excursion.. but that's what it was.. unexciting...

so that was Uni boy.


So for the next 3 months there really wasn't anyone, except for one day where I met this guy... we spent a Saturday at my house watching shows and getting intoxicated.. laughing and getting to know eachother... making out... and then him leave only to have him never talk to me again... which was sooo weird...

But in July we ended up going to this awesome festival on the west coast of Korea called the mud festival.. and that's exactly what it was... a mud festival... it was the most amazing weekend of my life... topped off with a hot, sexy man.

I met him and his friends very soon after getting there.. they were all firefighters with the American airforce... I'll call him DB.. anyways, this man was super hot, super tall and there was no way I thought anything was going to happen... with anyone.. but deffinately not him... then he started hitting on me...

He invited me down to the water at one point to get cleaned off.. and I invited the rest of the boys... just before getting out of the water he asked met o stay for a moment.. and I said no... that I knew his type of guy and I was soo not interested... he said what type of guy.. and I said... you.. you're a player and I'm not interested... he assured me he wasn't.... and then said "you aren't as tough as you put off" like someone had just beatin my walls down in a second.. I had no where to hide... and well I told him that it was easier being tough than fall for someone and get hurt...

we ended up talking and kissing and he shared something really personal about himself... and by the end of the conversation I had said to him... "Even if its just going to be for a night... can I have this day and this night with you? would that be alright with you...?" He kissed me again..

we spent the afternoon together and then I lost him in the crowd...

that night... I went to dinner with girls... and then feeling a little bumbed I walked down to the beach by myself... Uni boy had said he'd be at the festival too, but hadn't called, or returned my text messages..

well I got down to the beach.. and there DB was... he threw his arms around me and kissed me and asked how I found him.. that there was 10,000 people on the beach, how could I have possibly found him? it must have been fate! We ended up spending the evening together, watching these amazing fireworks, drinking... kissing and playing soccer in this torential downpour...... it was phenomenol.

He spent the night/early morning on the floor of the hotel where the girls were... we tried to find someother place.. but to no avail.. so I shamelessly brought him back to the hotel room.

When we woke up in the morning he was gracious and kind, and kissed me.. and threw his arm around me.. it was wonderful...

We spent the morning together back down on the beach where he told me that we would deffinately see each other again... a promise I questioned.. but enjoyed hearing...  walking away from him was sooo difficult... he told me to, if we don't see eachother again, remember that I'm a great person and to not hide that from the guys I meet. I walked away without looking back...

DB and I never saw eachother again, we talked a few times... but nothing ever worked out and he left at the start of September for a new term in Europe... but that weekend was the weekend that I will have forever.. it reminded me that great guys can and do exist... it put me on cloud nine.. and its basically all I could talk about.. he made me feel beautiful, and loved more than in my only relationship... and he reminded me that I'm not crazy to think that love does exist out there...

and that sometimes its ok to have a one night stand..

So since then there really hasn't been anything.. there has been the odd encounter at the bar, but I haven't made out or slept with anyone.. until this weekend...

its 3am and I'm exhausted I'll write about the rest tomorrow.

I don't get it...

So I've realized this week that I'm almost at 2.5 years of being single... and the truth of this sets me back.. its almost the same amount of time that I was in a relationship..

So it makes me wonder.. what the hell is wrong with me that I haven't found ANYONE.. to even date... but then I remembered.. I was a little fucked up after my ex... and I also don't tend to build very substantial relationships wiith people before i sleep with them.. and I also have a little unconscious cynicism for the opposite sex.. so I guess it makes a little sense...

But then I wonder... why is it that I have not found one guy that thinks that I'm just amazing and looks past all my insecurities and rediculousness... who knows... but then this leads me to something that was said to me last night..

I was at the local bar for trivia night and on my way out I talked for a couple of moments with the owners of the two foreigner bars... Both of these guys are in their mid 30s, both are married, both have been here for 10 years and both are friends with my boss... in fact one of them filled in for me at work when I went to Thailand a couple weeks back...

So we are talking... and then one of them says to the other.. you know this girl is a really cool girl... and he looks at me..., and says, you know in the past 5 years I would have to say that you are the coolest girl I've met...

Completely flattered.. I said thanks.. and then asked why they would say that.. considering I haven't really hung out with either of them very much... he said.. well, you are just a great person, you are outgoing and fun and friendly and personable and you just are a really great person.. and I just want you to know that... the other one agreed.. and I thanked them again... it was soo nice for people to say...

Then of course.. I said.. well then maybe you can explain to me why I've been single for 2 and a half years... they said.. well I don't know dear, but If either of us were single... we'd jump at the chance to date you... rironic isn't it!
I suppose though they see things in me that other guys wouldn't really see if they were just trying to get into my pants.

I just felt like I needed to write that down somewhere.. cause too often I forget the nie things people say...

The truth about stepping out...

So you know how months ago I talked about the stepping out, the not knowing what would happen once you did... but the not doing it is what you regret?? Well I stepped out.. I've spent the last 2 months in Korea... and I just got back from Thailand. I'm living the life I've always dreamed of, the life that extends to all corners of the globe and allows me the ability to meet countless people and share in their lives.

I'm growing in so many ways.... With men... I find myself... taking baby steps, but growing none-the-less. For the first time last week I told a friend that I couldn't sleep with him cause... even drunk and and lonely I realized the pay and cost and valued his friendship more than a one-night stand.. but more than that.. I realized that sex really does mean something to me... and that I really want to share it with someone...

So for the first time, I didn't just think it, but I stood my ground although some of his argiment was very tempting... I'm proud of my decision. IIt has given me this power over myself... over my impulses... its still in its trial fases... but trial is better than a distant hope.

I'm still the optomist I've always been, and I still believe that I will find that guy to sweep me off my feet evetually, and now that I am doing what I love to do, and that I am happy, it seems more likely to find someone that is compatible with that hope.

As for my spirit, being in Thailand really brought me home... I felt so at peace in that country... and the more I just have faith... life just works.... so, my beliefs... are finally establishing themselves inside myself... and what's very interesting is they are so far from how I usually live life.. they are in a part of me that is not rational or analytical.. its this deep acknowledgment with the universe, its internal and it makes no sense.. and therefor I do not try to defend it or explain it.. it just is. I just am.

I came home to Korea and although its hard to come "home" to a country that isn't home... I know why I am here, I am so clear that this year has a purpose.. and not only do i get to have an adventure by being here, but it will allow me to have the biggest adventure of ALL... to fulfill my dreams. And, well meet people along the way that will be able to share my story with me.

There are times that I am incredibly lonely and miss home... my friends, but knowing the bigger picture, knowing what I really want in life is soo fulfilling.

I am happy.

I made my choice.. and I wouldn't have it any other way!

Korea--- stepping out

So I started another blog as a way of telling my friends and family about my adventure in Korea, and yet I find myself confused as to what to write there. I have no idea what to tell them, those that I want to talk to, know about this blog, and love me for all my faults... so I find it almost like its a fake piece of work to just tell people about the silly nuances of the day/week.

I just feel like this has given me the outlet to just express who I am and what I am thinking in the world. So, I find myself at 2:40am writing my thoughts.... HERE.

So I am in Korea, yes, I am here. I have made it!

I promised myself that I would not leave Canada if I was running away from anything.
And, so I left Canada, incredibly happy. In fact very sad to be leaving, but thankful that i had realized what I wanted in life... at least for right now and am taking it on.

I arrived two weeks ago... the weird thing is that I am so much at peace here I really don't know even what to think. I am usually the kind of person that needs to tell everyone about everything... many of my friends, I'm sure, tend to feel overwhelmed by my ability to make things about me.. and I know that sometimes they feel like its not enough about them.... The funny thing is that I find it rather uncomfortable at times.... when I try to inquire about their lives or ask questions and they don't have much to say.... so I try to make them feel like they don't HAVE to talk, by talking about myself.... because... well I ALWAYS have something to say lol!

Well... back to what I was saying... I find it very weird that I arrived and I have barely called home.. I just don't know what to say. Yes, EVERYTHING is different... and yet... its home.

Its home because I am here... and right now I am just being in the moment.

Now.. at the same time... there is this feeling that creeps up from time to time... its a sadness that hangs just behind my breathing.. as though to remind me that my friends aren't here, but more importantly, my mother isn't alive...

Its a difficult feeling... I felt it before in Zimbabwe. Its that tinge of sadness that arises from knowing that my mother is not there to call, or ask when I am coming home.

Although I am so thankful for the freedom... not having her to verbally share my adventure with makes it seem almost redundant... its a feeling of resignation. And yet... I am incredibly happy... so you figure it out!

Anyways, I am here. And I am letting life live through me... what will happen this year, who knows... but I do know that what ever does... its going to be an adventure... and life altering.

I truly am astonished at where I am today. Considering all the crazy things that have happened in my life, and where i was, not 2 years ago.

I don't really know this woman. She is calm, and neutral, just taking things in. Its relaxing but also very strange to know that you have grown up so much and that your view on most things has changed considerably.

So that's where I am at.. a little confused.. and just living in the moment... just being.... this time though... IN KOREA BABY!

happy happy joy joy

So sooo much has been happening in my life since I made the decision to go to Korea, everything seems just to fall into place. I'm so happy. There's too much, but I'm going to try to write as much as possible because this is really the only place I really express whats going on for me.
So I guess I'll just write about the most recent changes.

First. I have never been so happy in all my life, I have really gotten to a place where I am thankful! REALLY REALLY thankful for everything that has ever happened to me. And SUPER excited about my futre. Not only about going to Korea but I came across this new business opportunity too that has really opened my eyes to whats possible and I've really started asking myself what I want in my life. Something I've never really done.

A couple weeks ago on a thursday night I asked myself what I wanted t do. I answered.. go to the bar, watch some hockey. Now I realized thatI really enjoy watching sports, but have always equated that with having a boyfriend. So I went to the baar and watched hockey.

The following Sunday I asked myself again the same question and decided to go to watch football. I had so much fun. I hadn't watched football in two years, i went with my book and this group of guys befriended me and I hung out with them all night. It was such good times. And now its become routine. I go to the bar on sundays, they show up, invite me over and we chill out.

Its really great to have some time with the boys too, haven't had that in so long and I really enjoy just chatting cause I can really be one of the boys. shooting the shit, giving a different perspection on things. One things I have realized about myself is that FINALLY i'm not as concerned with impressing people, I just say whats on my mind, and its thrilling. In fact I've been doing it more and more, even if its uncomfortable. I've always been the kind of person that compromises everything to make everyone else happy and always at the expense of myself. So FINALLY realizing what I WANT has allowed me to be straight. I guess I was so preoccupied with everyone else's happiness in the past that I never asked myself what I WANT. So I've found my voice.

As for this busines opportunity it is thrilling I'm wrking with people that I admire and appreciate and respect. Its a company that is really about helping the people around you become financially independent while making you finacially independent too. The idea of helping other people out and in turn taking care of yourself is perfect for me because finally i can put other people first and still not be selling out on myself. I'm so clear about how much i love people, and appreciate people. I just want the best for everyone.

As for my ex. My best friend did the kindest thing for me a week ago, she called me and told me it was ok to care about him to talk about him and that she understood if I couldn't just let him go yet. It was the kindest thing because all of a sudden I no longer had to prove his worth, no longer had to stand up for why we were together for so long and so I'm coming to peace with that chapter of my life and I'm ready to move forward. Give him my love, but not my heart. I realized that he really has had my heart for 4 and a half years and that's most likely why I haven't had a boyfriend cause there was no room in my life for anyone eles. I'm so clear right now what I want and what I deserve its intoxicating that I'm so certain about it, its so much easier to move forward.

This business opportunity has really enabled me to sit down and think about if money were not an issue, what would I want. I realized I want a house in Canada where no matter where I am in the world I have a place to come home to. I want it to be on a lake, with a huge porch and big backyard. I want a games room with a pool table, a bar, a huge tv, soundsystem, dvds, music a place to just chill and relax and have fun. A place where people feel like they want to hang out in.

I want my dream car, I want a bug convertible, banana yellow with a chiquita sticker painted on the back. But then when I started thinking about that I realized that it wouldn't be the most condusive vehicle for me in the boonies. That maybe I want a jeep, and then when I was thinking about the kind of guy I want i realize I love men with trucks and then it dawned on me.. fuck it. I WANT A TRUCK a huge 4x4 pickup truck, so I can go camping and through wood in the back and help people move. I want a kayak I want to be able to travel wherever whenever, I want to have enough money so no matter where I am in the world I can come home anytime for any duration of time. I want to be able to do international development without worrying about money.

I'm so excited about my future. I'm so excited about life. It's thrilling.

But most of all I'm sooo happy, it feels like my heart is just so open it hurts. I'm just in this place where I love myself and everything about my life. So thankful for EVERYTHING.

There's a pride that comes from getting through the hard times, coming out on the other side. Its self assurance, self worth like nothing I've ever experienced. the dalai lama says, that its the tough times in life where we grow the most that's why its so painful.

The book eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert also opened up alot of ideas for me, it has really opened my mind to things and inspired me to just LIVE.

thanks for letting me share!

men... the bane of my existance.. truly!

So you know how I was talking about Korea and the hardest things in life..the things that you are scared of, are usually the things you ought to do? they are the things that force you to become the person you are meant to be? That you just have to take that leap of faith...

Well, they usually consist of walking away from a safety net. .. walking away from what you know to be normal...what you know to be safe... Well this could be no more true than in the case of my ex-boyfriend.

he's an ass. we all know that. but I cannot help myself but to be a retard around him. I don't know why, other than i must loathe myself or something almost as awful.

He is the addiction i can't kick, he is my guilty pleasure. But more than that why i am the way i am with him kills me.

If you've read any of my history you know that we broke up two years ago. I came back from Africa, and thought we were going to work on things only to find out he was enjoying my time away by moving swiftly on, and not only shagging(pardon my english reference i've been watching a lot of english movies lately) countless girls, but having one in particular move her personal belongings into my/our apartment. As a result, and out of completely rational reasoning I rented a U-Haul and took all my stuff while he was out.

I found myself liberated by this, and yet very very sad. We talked , he threatened to call the police on me, I told him he was an ass, and then I apologized that I broke into our apartment, that I still held keys for(but had left them at my dad's) and taken all my stuff - i left everything he owned - including the futon that i had bought - because we had previously decided that one of us would take the bed, the other would take the futon and i liked the bed better....

that's right - I apologized for finding that this girl had essentially moved in and I had taken my stuff....he told me that that was it and that he couldn't trust me again and said I was so sorry, cried on the phone.....we didn't talk for a couple of months...then he went out east.. we were talking one day on msn I begged him to be honest with me and tell me if he ever cheated on me so that I trust my instinct if it ever happens again. He said that if he tells me the truth no matter what I have to promise that I won't stop talking to him...I promised. he told me he hadn't, then i said ok, then he confessed. It was worse than once or twice... he told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 of the 2.5 years we were together. Yup... nope you didn't read wrong. My initial reaction was to laugh - cry, i was appalled, upset, i didn't know what to think or say or do... I mean I sorta thought something might have happened, but didn't want to believe it... so ya... pissed off, hurt and lonely....

I didn't talk to him for a while and then I'd get drunk and write him these awfully stupid e-mails and texts where I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him...

i basically felt sorry for him.. yes that's right... felt sorry that he couldn't accept my love.. I gave him room... i told him that we could get through this..W I wanted him so badly in my life... and hated him.. i went back and forth with this feeling for months. Telling him to fuck himself and then sending him some kind of demented drunk email. Finally I hit,just about rock bottom last fall and he returned home from New Brunswick. He hadn't seen me in 8 months, I had lost 50 lbs and was feeling very proud of myself, very vulnerable and probably was thinking how lovely it would be to put this all behind us...

he came over, and like the idiot I seem to be with all men, I let him walk back into my life without a moment's pause. One kiss and that was it...not to mention i was having bad luck with men... so OF COURSE...i needed to fuck myself right royally by falling for him all over again, but this time he wasn't a smooth talker.. he was far from that.. and he's been far from that ever since. We sleep together from time to time. He tells me about the girls he's fucking currently and I feel sorry that he doesn't let anyone care about him....

Like I'm some righteous person I think... that by telling him that he can do no wrong in my eyes, and that i'll be there for him no matter what... makes it all go away. That I can get over the fact that he only wants me when he needs me to answer questions about university, to talk to about what is sometimes going on in his life and to fuck from time to time.

Basically I have allowed him to throw me all the leftovers of a good relationship and be happy with it. What kills me more now, is writing this I realize what a complete moron I've been and in fact...reluctant to admit it.. thought I REALLY was being a really nice person and that I could offer him some kind of hope that someone wasn't going to just walk away from him for fucking up.

Now I wonder why my friends didn't walk away from me and my complete stupidity and lack of self-respect.

And no matter what I say and what I try the idea of having him completely out of my life scares the shit out of me... I've never had any guy in my life that loves me, and I guess that I hope that under all his fuck-upd-ness he may actually care about me... and well I guess when you don't have anything else you just hang on.. you let people treat you in a way that you would never let anyone treat anyone you know or love... but you let them treat you like that cause its all you know.

This guy that i slept with once this summer, that I really liked..we talk quite frequently, but haven't seen each other in 4 months, texted me today and said that we couldn't keep talking because he had a girlfriend and that she had found some of my inappropriate texts and that it wasn't right. My response without a moments pause was to write back

"ok. you should have just told me. silly man. good luck"


well the boy called me shortly after and said that his girlfriend was standing over him and to defuse the whole thing he sent that while she was looking. I said that was fine, that there was no problem.. he said, ya that's why i did it, cause i knew that you would be cool, that I could send it to you, then call you and tell you I don't really care. That we've only been dating a couple weeks and that I really don't mind the texting.

My response " _____ don't do that. That's not good. Don't cheat, if she thinks that she's your girlfriend, then don't ruin it. If you've found a good girl, treat her that way. That he just had to tell me, no hard feelings." He said thanks for that. I said that I'm leaving in a couple of months and it would be very nice to see him, go for coffee, keep it innocent. He said that would be nice.

I doubt it will happen. And, to be quite honest, I don't really know if it should cause I don't want to tempt me doing whats been done to me so many times.

So that's me, I would make sure that some stranger is treated properly before I make sure I am.
And so the ridiculousness that is my life. The final thing to taking the safety net from under me. Cutting him out of my life. And why it is that I don't call him right now, is cause everytime I have ever done that, I get drunk and call him and tell him how much I want to see him.... how much I miss him. So I just stopped telling him that i don't want him out of my life cause i don't trust myself to make it stick. Now I just have fun, do my own thing and when i get really lonely I call him up and he comes down

for that day we act like we are together, we make dinner and flirt and have hot steamy, dirty sex, and then he leaves.. he goes back to his life and i go back to mine seeking a little bit of love in any chance meeting... And I am left hoping that one day he'll turn around and say thanks.. that he cares about me and that I could just let go, let go of all the hurt and stop trying to prove myself worthy of love.

i just wish i was brave enough, that sometimes its not really better to have the devil you do know, to just step out and have enough faith. But more than anything I wish that I could just tell him to go fuck himself and trust myself enough to know that when I'm single, drunk and lonely I won't pick up the phone and make an utter fool of myself, yet again.

Men, the bane of my existence.

Letting Go. the hardest thing to do.