It's an incredible thing to observe myself on the verge of self sabotage... the only thing that I can logically decipher is there are still limitations to the love I will allow.
I had a lovely evening with J last night... more than lovely... we watched the first 5 episodes of Dr. Who, of which he was sure I would enjoy... and I did. We chatted, made dinner together... and just enjoyed each others company.... we made love and fell asleep in each others arms...
Then this morning we woke up and he was smiling at me like he always does... and yet there was something inside me that was looking for something being wrong... still I find myself fighting with the urge to criticize and judge things about our relationship... I wonder if its our human instincts to want to run away from anything that doesn't feel safe.... but then love isn't safe... at least not safe in the way we build our homes to shelter us from the elements.. love is the elements.. love illuminates your very soul and exposes all the areas that you hide from yourself...
love is also the sanctuary that you can come to when the despair gets to be too much.
We actually talked about that last night. I told him that I can see myself watch myself be aware of my interpretation of things....and how based on what I have seen about myself in previous settings I choose alternative interpretations or reactions that I didn't know to choose previously.
I think I look for reasons why he isn't the right one... why he doesn't ACTUALLY care about me.... its as though my default is NO love.. and when that is your baseline... then no one will ever be able to fight that.... that perhaps the fear that lies inside is the fear of letting myself feel unconditional love.... recognizing that its not behaviour... that its feeling....
I am also aware that I enjoy the slow decent into love.. but that rushing it, making him feel uncomfortable will backfire and the more I make him feel any kind of insecurity the more he will pull away, the more I will interpret his pulling away as him not loving me.. him lying to me... until finally I push him so far the same thing happens... as did with my ex boyfriend.
They say you find your mirror.....
I love him. I love everything about him... it scares me to get attached to anyone or anything. I suppose I always say you only see in other people what you possess in yourself... and I am clear that we cut ourselves off from our emotions to protect ourselves.... the trick is to allow the space for life to blossom and accept the pain that may come from whatever the lesson is.... and that worrying about something actually.. in subtle ways creates the thing we are most afraid of.... We react to the future we imagine... and so we hold back our love for fear of getting hurt.
J. said something really interesting last night... when we were talking about how I had been feeling... I was sharing that the morning before I was pretty depressed.... that I felt so defeated... in the past i would have lay in bed all day...feeling sorry for myself.. but I watched it play out in my head... J downstairs, worrying about me, not knowing what to do... him coming upstairs and trying to make me feel better... me drawing his energy out of him in order to make myself feel loved.... him feeling drained or frustrated for me not being able to feel better.... creating tension.... so I got out of bed and offered to help around the house... reminding myself that doing ANYTHING will make me feel productive.... that doing ANYTHING will make me feel useful... and will be the action I need to not feel like such a failure.
The thought just occurred to me that perhaps what my pushing away might be is that I want to still go out west and I am scared to get attached.... I also thing there is a part of me that has accepted the freedom not having any ties does for me.. that having ties feels like I will lose my freedom... and then the omnipotent voice in my heart says... AMANDA... RELAX. just be here.. what will come will come... ENJOY.
It's as though I don't know how to let myself enjoy... that I feel guilty for being happy... guilty for having what I want... guilty for not meeting the responsibilities of other people my age.
But I sit in the coffee shop and J. blows kisses at me. When I wake up I open my eyes and there he is smiling. He's lived a thousand lives... and he has tales from every part of his life.. he is intelligent and fun and helpful... and he loves me back... the only thing I don't like about him is that he's shy about instigating sex... and he's not even.. I am just so freaking eager I don't even give him the chance... but he always meets me half way... who cares who initiates? he always responds... he always appreciates... its the dumbest thing in the world to be frustrated about... and its a sure fire way to lose him.. to criticize him in his ability to love......
It's weird to see it about myself... to see how I my ego and my belief that I don't deserve love feeds into my ability to see reality as it is.... beautiful and perfect.
Last night we talked about being able to be thankful for everything from the past because if anything had been different we would not be experiencing that moment... to die from the past to live in the moment...to make peace with life in order to appreciate the current experience... one cannot live in guilt and in love.... or anger and love... or regret and love... love is gratitude... love is appreciation... love is giving and sharing....
Which leads me into another thing I noticed about my judgements when they come up... is that it separates us.... that his pleasure is my own pleasure... that by making him feel good, feel supported, feel loved and understood, gets translated into making me feel good, feeling like I am contributing to an other's life.
There was a moment a couple of days ago where I felt myself feel satisfied with being the woman who makes sure J never gives up on himself... that he has a cheerleader for as long as he needs one... that that would be an adequate function in my life.... but then that was followed with wanting what I want for my own life.... It's difficult to find the balance.... to understand how love manifests itself... and what are actions that get in the way of that love.
I feel in the end the answer is always to let go of all judgement and enjoy. To be present.... to love and be loved.. to share space and time and laughter... to relinquish all feelings of inadequacy... to jump with both feet and trust deeply so that at the very least I can experience the depths of love...
********
the night of my birthday I arrived at the bar around 1030 and J's friend said "I'm not going to shake your hand" flabbergasted I moved to the next person.... I introduced myself and then J's friend explained that she had just killed a bug and her hands were dirty... that's why she couldn't shake my hand.
an interesting introduction.
I was nervous
scared
worried
calm.
When we went back to her place I climbed up on the porch.. peered in the window and saw the reflection of a woman I would get along with. J's friend's things reflected a deep spiritual background... a sentimental person ... a curious person.
I was about to walk in and one of the men who had been with her at the bar told me that he didn't know if I was interested in such things.. but he had his tarot cards with him and would love to do my tarot for my birthday if I would be curious.
I was ecstatic... I told him how I had misplaced my own tarot cards .. I asked him if he knew about OSHO tarot cards... that I used them whenever I was going through difficulties... and that it made me sad that I couldn't find them right now. and then I saw a shooting star.
We ended staying at her house for about an hour.. and at one point I was finally alone with the woman. She was looking for a magazine she wanted to show me... I didn't know what to say so I told myself to say whatever came to my heart. I told her I knew this may be weird for her. She told me it wasn't necessarily weird but that she had chased many women away from J. that he is a really good man... and that they were all really high caliber women, so it was frustrating for her that he met me on his own...
I told her I knew that he was special and thank you for protecting him.
She asked me if I wanted something long term... that I shouldn't waste his time if I didn't. I told her I was falling in love.. that if it worked out then of course I would want that.. but that I also believe that we should let things go as they should and that when we are together we are together and when we are not.. we are not.
I told her what I told him, that I understood their relationship was unique and that if they needed to still share love then I would understand.
She told me "no we are done that."
I reiterrated that I understand that love is important to share... and just for her to know that I understood.
She told me that what they shared was teaching each other how to love themselves.
I said "thank-you"
She pulled back for a moment and looked at me... and said "ok." and shook my hand.
about 5 minutes later we went into the kitchen and she invited J to come. she turned to him and said "i like her more than I thought I would and gave him a hug."
relief. for both of us.
we headed over to the bar shortly thereafter.
I got slightly inebriated.. and at 12:30 I got to do my tarot.
I looked down and there were the OSHO tarot cards. I couldn't believe it.
The reading was different than what I had done.. he seemed to be more intuitive with the cards than I am, but I knew these cards intimately... I had followed their advice in so many occasions... in the end I don't know if the read was completely accurate.. and there were so many differing interpretations... but I think it wasn't necessarily the read.. it was the cards.. it was the fact that of all the moments, of all the cards... of all the times.... that they showed up for me on my birthday.. SERENDIPITY. I reminder that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
It's difficult to remind myself that the universe has a plan... and that when I follow my heart and allow life that all will be revealed..... that serendipity is the manifestation of being exactly where you are supposed to be at the exact right time.....
and so I am exactly where I need to be.
That J and I would never have had this happen between us unless everything had happened in precisely this way.
The most interesting thing about our relationship is that because of J's situation financially as well as with transportation and his aversion to phones... this could not have happened unless I was in this predicament... forced to allow life and love bloom, available to what ever the universe has in store.
and because of my own situation it allows him to feel useful. He even said to me last week "thank you for being in the situation you are in so I have something to give. I said the same thing back.
Because of our individual circumstances we have very little to give each other.. except love...
He gives me shelter, and food, and supports my drinking and smoking habit.... but most of all he comes up behind me and hugs me and kisses my neck when I am doing the dishes. He looks at me and smiles. He massages my back just to make me feel good when he is hugging me. He blows me kisses and never criticizes me. He appreciates me driving him to work. He makes me laugh all the time.
I told him last night that the day before I watched myself get depressed and want to hurt. Almost like I wanted my outer world to match my inner world.. that I wanted some kind of pain.... and I could see how I was craving rough sex.. that I didn't love myself in that moment and wanted the outside to prove my own belief about myself... that I was battling with the feelings that I don't deserve him. That I don't deserve his love....
that in the past I would have gone towards that feeling.. but instead i went towards love.
I could see in the moment my own reflection.. that with T... his concern for not deserving me.... his worry that he would hurt me... hurt me. And that to avoid creating the same dynamic with J I had to allow love. I had to continue to allow him in.. even if I didn't feel I deserved it... I had to let him be able to give me whatever he was able to.. and not criticize him.... That I had to love him enough to not suck him into my own despair.. but rather utilize his love for me to bring me out of the space I was in... to believe him more than myself in that moment... to trust the unspoken space between us.
That's what I am really being forced to work on. Allowing... Allowing our love to grow and for our feelings for eachother to just be. To allow life and not try and control it... To learn how to be aware enough to let things be...
It is said that when the Buddha reached enlightenment it was the realization that there was nothing else to know.
What I can see is that over analysis = self awareness= self regulation = allowing no-thing-ness to exist where everything can occur.... that ultimately over analysis leads to no analysis... trust...that there is nothing to be, no where to go... nothing to do... that the space I must inhabit is inside a deep space of trust .. focusing on the moment. and flowing with life.
He told me that I am bringing dreaming back to him... that he thinks he gave up on dreaming and that I let him come out of his shell a little... that he is doing things he has never done before... like dancing in the kitchen of which we do almost every day. He is getting better too!!! It''s sooo much fun! and he said he would learn swing dancing lessons with me.
I told him I can't wait to share the world with him... I can't wait to learn about farming and all the things he knows....
The other night he went to fix the record player and instead of sitting back and doing something else I watched, asked questions and helped... it was nice to learn about circuit boards... it was fun to see him take something a part and try to fix it... it was cool to learn something new.. while also spending time together.
I saw how in my past, and in other people's relationships that when partners don't share interests they spend a lot of time away from eachother and don't get to share the other person's ingenuity... that if I had chosen to let him do it on his own I wouldn't have been able to kiss him while he tried to figure out how to fix this machine... that the opportunity allowed me to see a part of his intelligence... and it was such a turn on.
****
He told me on Monday night when I was feeling sorry for myself that he thought I should start writing again... that there would be no other time where I would have so many different emotions and time on my hands....
So here I am.. sharing my experience.
Allowing myself to reflect on my own experience... and learn more and more from my life... from love.
It's amazing to want love so much and then to be scared of the path it may take me down.... all I know is that I love this man. He makes me want to be a better person for him, for me, for us.
Ok, got to run I have to go back to my place and pack some more...
Amanda
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The lesson of being present inside a relationship while everything else is falling apart.
It's interesting.. the past 3 weeks. To manage myself to remain present and enjoy the fruits of my labour while watching a all the stability I had slowly falls away...
It's as though I am watching someone else's life... watching how the person outside myself manages to only allow gratitude and appreciation to flow out of her... to watch her check herself when she is triggered, and manage her own response to the outside circumstances of her life.
On November 10, 2013 I no longer had a job, had given my notice at my place and had moved my cats to J.'s house. On 10/11/13-11/11/13 I felt deep love and acceptance of a man... I felt mirrored in the most positive ways I could dream of. I spent the night dancing in the kitchen with him to Jim Morrison on my mother's vinyl...moondance and into the mystic.... as we held each other and mouthed the words to one another. full circle moment.
I looked at October 10, 2013 and realized that one month previously was the day I found the note in the tree and saw T for the last time. It had certainly been a month... so to find true love a month later seemed fitting. The first week J and I spent every moment we could together. Getting to know each other more and more and appreciating each other more and more...
Monday night was spent catching chickens to kill the next day... and then Tuesday happened and the chickens were released... I took J to my apartment and showed him where I lived. I am so glad that I got the chance to show him where I lived and we packed the car to take things to his house.
It was weird taking things to his house... its as though silently we had decided that I would live with him... til when? both of us had no idea... I was scared to proceed without knowing the concrete details.. or his true feelings... but I moved the things there under the premise that I would put my things in one of the other rooms in the house and whether we stayed together or not, that we would be able to share space.
Each day I drive him to work and grab a coffee, sit there checking my email for a little bit, sometimes reading.... J walks by me and winks, or throws kisses... sometimes I am reading and all I hear is a thrown kiss... We do nothing but make eye contact... we never touch each other at work and I sit back and listen to him interact with the customers.. listen to his little jokes... how hot chocolates are made with one part magic.... his branch tattoo creeping out under his short sleeve shirt.
I've never been so present with another human being and as the days shared between us build on each other, I learn more about him and myself... layer upon layer of the depth of human beings.
One week after we finally connected, I spent the night at his place while he was hanging out with his friends, he had forgotten that he had planned on meeting up with them.. one of them was a friend that he had been sleeping with occasionally... and that she would probably be the one to drop him off and I would meet her...
. it was weird to be at his place at night without him, although I had spent Monday and Wednesday during the day there.... I looked up at the clock a thousand times... every minute seemed to drag on... I forgot what it felt like to want to spend every waking minute with someone and for them to feel the same way.
I spent the night reading and spending time with myself... observing my desire to be with him and my desire for him to continue to do his own life without the need to cater to me.
He finally came home around 930... His friend did not come in.... we spent the rest of the night chatting and hanging out... it turned out that she had been..surprising to him... more upset than he had anticipated... I understood.. I have been that girl... and I have been this girl before...
I told him that if he still needed to sleep with her, or if she still needed to sleep with him that it was fine with me.... I don't know how I would really react.. but I know that love shared between two human beings should never be thwarted... and if what we have is real.. then it would survive either of us sharing ourselves with others.
Friday was his birthday. I picked up ingredients to make dinner and anticipated a few of his friends coming by so made sure I had enough for everyone. It was the first time I really got to see him jam with his friends and watching him play the guitar was one of the hottest experiences.. he plays the guitar.. he feels the guitar as though its speaking through him.... At one point I asked him to play how he was feeling and he responded "I am".
He flows through his music and its the same feeling I feel when he is next to me.. that he plays me.. that he flows with me.
It was cute to watch him get drunk and be foolish with his friends... he apologized for getting pretty drunk...but I didn't care I made only one rule that night... you can drink all you want so long as you can still walk and carry on a conversation... I am not a babysitter... but other than that have fun!
Each day I watched how our eye contact grew. That we had similar insecurities.. that we were totally open but there was a part of our hearts that were guarded. Every night we would spend the night talking, cooking, laughing, hugging, kissing, watching movies and dancing in the kitchen.
As my 31st birthday approached I found myself struggling between despair and finding myself so grateful to the universe for allowing me to share space with this man. Its a strange place to be so thankful to the universe.... for losing phone access, Internet access, my job and my house, and ultimately quitting nursing school and having no direction anymore.
I have thought about it extensively and what I have come to see is that
if I were not in this exact situation what J. and I have would not have existed. Its that his space mirrors mine... the only difference is that he comes at it from a completely different life.
My lack of phone and Internet have forced me to only consider my own feelings... there have been a few moments where I see myself telling myself that this is crazy.. but then I see the similarities in my relationships with I and T. and I see how easy it is to run away, or logically convince myself that the love I am experiencing is irresponsible and crazy... but isn't that what love actually is?
I had just read the Alchemist again.. and in it the introduction reiterates that when following your destiny, the hardest part is to accept your worthiness.... to be seeking your whole life for something.. to find it and accept the joy and the finality that it brings... allowing a new dream to unfold... I can see myself having moments of getting way ahead of myself thinking about going out west... about being around other men that I have been sexually involved with... will I want to be monogamous? or will I want to still share space with them?
I see myself having moments of worrying about becoming complacent, getting pregnant and becoming a small farmer in this tiny little town... never adventuring far from home.... and it scares me... it scares me to settle down... and it scares me to be in a relationship where there are expectations.
But then I look into J's eyes, and I feel hug squeeze me when he hugs me and I bring myself out of my head.. into the present moment and I believe that what i feel is something I deserve to experience... that however it works out is how it will work out and that I will not sabotage this beautiful feeling for the fear of getting hurt in the future.
I see myself refusing to create any kind of tension between us. When I find myself criticising the moment in my head.. "I wish he had done this, I wish he said this.." I remind myself that this can't be rushed... that watching our connection unfold is more sacred than anything else... and that by saying something I may in fact cause him to become more self conscious and then force a worse situation... that if I like him I have to like him how he is...
re reading Anam Cara - the book Patrick gave me... it speaks of the secrets of the soul being sacred and that the worst thing one can do is shine a light directly at places that are vulnerable... through my interpretation I understand it as a reminder that our trust in another comes from feeling safe... however that is created. So I let him be. I don't criticize and believe that if our love continues to inspire him his tentativeness and romanticism will blossom from within and not because of my requests.
On Monday he told me that he was supposed to meet up with this friend of his the following night... I wasn't worried about it but was curious if he wanted me to join or not....
Tuesday morning I woke up and told him that I did not want to wake up on the morning of my birthday with him sleeping over at her house... and that I would like to meet her before the party he was going to have the following weekend.
She agreed and decided to invite a few friends in order to buffer the meeting.
I will be honest I was a little worried about this woman. I had heard from J's friend that she could be quite the terror... and she didn't like J dating.... so I asked one of J's friends D. who I had met on his birthday if he would join and drive so I could have a drink or two if it suited me.
We left around 930 and arrived at the bar around 1015. I was pretty nervous. She was sitting between to male friends and when I went to shake her hand she said "I'm not going to shake your hand"... I was shocked.. "REALLY? I was going to have to deal with this?"
ok... J is done work so I'm out.. I will continue tomorrow. :)
night.
It's as though I am watching someone else's life... watching how the person outside myself manages to only allow gratitude and appreciation to flow out of her... to watch her check herself when she is triggered, and manage her own response to the outside circumstances of her life.
On November 10, 2013 I no longer had a job, had given my notice at my place and had moved my cats to J.'s house. On 10/11/13-11/11/13 I felt deep love and acceptance of a man... I felt mirrored in the most positive ways I could dream of. I spent the night dancing in the kitchen with him to Jim Morrison on my mother's vinyl...moondance and into the mystic.... as we held each other and mouthed the words to one another. full circle moment.
I looked at October 10, 2013 and realized that one month previously was the day I found the note in the tree and saw T for the last time. It had certainly been a month... so to find true love a month later seemed fitting. The first week J and I spent every moment we could together. Getting to know each other more and more and appreciating each other more and more...
Monday night was spent catching chickens to kill the next day... and then Tuesday happened and the chickens were released... I took J to my apartment and showed him where I lived. I am so glad that I got the chance to show him where I lived and we packed the car to take things to his house.
It was weird taking things to his house... its as though silently we had decided that I would live with him... til when? both of us had no idea... I was scared to proceed without knowing the concrete details.. or his true feelings... but I moved the things there under the premise that I would put my things in one of the other rooms in the house and whether we stayed together or not, that we would be able to share space.
Each day I drive him to work and grab a coffee, sit there checking my email for a little bit, sometimes reading.... J walks by me and winks, or throws kisses... sometimes I am reading and all I hear is a thrown kiss... We do nothing but make eye contact... we never touch each other at work and I sit back and listen to him interact with the customers.. listen to his little jokes... how hot chocolates are made with one part magic.... his branch tattoo creeping out under his short sleeve shirt.
I've never been so present with another human being and as the days shared between us build on each other, I learn more about him and myself... layer upon layer of the depth of human beings.
One week after we finally connected, I spent the night at his place while he was hanging out with his friends, he had forgotten that he had planned on meeting up with them.. one of them was a friend that he had been sleeping with occasionally... and that she would probably be the one to drop him off and I would meet her...
. it was weird to be at his place at night without him, although I had spent Monday and Wednesday during the day there.... I looked up at the clock a thousand times... every minute seemed to drag on... I forgot what it felt like to want to spend every waking minute with someone and for them to feel the same way.
I spent the night reading and spending time with myself... observing my desire to be with him and my desire for him to continue to do his own life without the need to cater to me.
He finally came home around 930... His friend did not come in.... we spent the rest of the night chatting and hanging out... it turned out that she had been..surprising to him... more upset than he had anticipated... I understood.. I have been that girl... and I have been this girl before...
I told him that if he still needed to sleep with her, or if she still needed to sleep with him that it was fine with me.... I don't know how I would really react.. but I know that love shared between two human beings should never be thwarted... and if what we have is real.. then it would survive either of us sharing ourselves with others.
Friday was his birthday. I picked up ingredients to make dinner and anticipated a few of his friends coming by so made sure I had enough for everyone. It was the first time I really got to see him jam with his friends and watching him play the guitar was one of the hottest experiences.. he plays the guitar.. he feels the guitar as though its speaking through him.... At one point I asked him to play how he was feeling and he responded "I am".
He flows through his music and its the same feeling I feel when he is next to me.. that he plays me.. that he flows with me.
It was cute to watch him get drunk and be foolish with his friends... he apologized for getting pretty drunk...but I didn't care I made only one rule that night... you can drink all you want so long as you can still walk and carry on a conversation... I am not a babysitter... but other than that have fun!
Each day I watched how our eye contact grew. That we had similar insecurities.. that we were totally open but there was a part of our hearts that were guarded. Every night we would spend the night talking, cooking, laughing, hugging, kissing, watching movies and dancing in the kitchen.
As my 31st birthday approached I found myself struggling between despair and finding myself so grateful to the universe for allowing me to share space with this man. Its a strange place to be so thankful to the universe.... for losing phone access, Internet access, my job and my house, and ultimately quitting nursing school and having no direction anymore.
I have thought about it extensively and what I have come to see is that
if I were not in this exact situation what J. and I have would not have existed. Its that his space mirrors mine... the only difference is that he comes at it from a completely different life.
My lack of phone and Internet have forced me to only consider my own feelings... there have been a few moments where I see myself telling myself that this is crazy.. but then I see the similarities in my relationships with I and T. and I see how easy it is to run away, or logically convince myself that the love I am experiencing is irresponsible and crazy... but isn't that what love actually is?
I had just read the Alchemist again.. and in it the introduction reiterates that when following your destiny, the hardest part is to accept your worthiness.... to be seeking your whole life for something.. to find it and accept the joy and the finality that it brings... allowing a new dream to unfold... I can see myself having moments of getting way ahead of myself thinking about going out west... about being around other men that I have been sexually involved with... will I want to be monogamous? or will I want to still share space with them?
I see myself having moments of worrying about becoming complacent, getting pregnant and becoming a small farmer in this tiny little town... never adventuring far from home.... and it scares me... it scares me to settle down... and it scares me to be in a relationship where there are expectations.
But then I look into J's eyes, and I feel hug squeeze me when he hugs me and I bring myself out of my head.. into the present moment and I believe that what i feel is something I deserve to experience... that however it works out is how it will work out and that I will not sabotage this beautiful feeling for the fear of getting hurt in the future.
I see myself refusing to create any kind of tension between us. When I find myself criticising the moment in my head.. "I wish he had done this, I wish he said this.." I remind myself that this can't be rushed... that watching our connection unfold is more sacred than anything else... and that by saying something I may in fact cause him to become more self conscious and then force a worse situation... that if I like him I have to like him how he is...
re reading Anam Cara - the book Patrick gave me... it speaks of the secrets of the soul being sacred and that the worst thing one can do is shine a light directly at places that are vulnerable... through my interpretation I understand it as a reminder that our trust in another comes from feeling safe... however that is created. So I let him be. I don't criticize and believe that if our love continues to inspire him his tentativeness and romanticism will blossom from within and not because of my requests.
On Monday he told me that he was supposed to meet up with this friend of his the following night... I wasn't worried about it but was curious if he wanted me to join or not....
Tuesday morning I woke up and told him that I did not want to wake up on the morning of my birthday with him sleeping over at her house... and that I would like to meet her before the party he was going to have the following weekend.
She agreed and decided to invite a few friends in order to buffer the meeting.
I will be honest I was a little worried about this woman. I had heard from J's friend that she could be quite the terror... and she didn't like J dating.... so I asked one of J's friends D. who I had met on his birthday if he would join and drive so I could have a drink or two if it suited me.
We left around 930 and arrived at the bar around 1015. I was pretty nervous. She was sitting between to male friends and when I went to shake her hand she said "I'm not going to shake your hand"... I was shocked.. "REALLY? I was going to have to deal with this?"
ok... J is done work so I'm out.. I will continue tomorrow. :)
night.
jumping into NO-thing-ness.
So it has been a month... a month of more intensity.. more shifts, more internal awareness.... and more love.
It is a weird space to have everything in my life dissolve... I wonder if I did it to myself.. I wonder what the lesson is.. I fight with the internal dialogue of failure and fear and the invisible faith I have in something greater....
Its a difficult thing to balance the belief that your thoughts create your reality and there is a divine plan. Does my life dissolving a result of my thoughts? or the grand scheme of life? I suppose it must be both.... as I have found a kind of love I have never experienced before.
I had always dreamed of being in a partnership where I felt completely seen and loved for who I am... I like myself... I enjoy my own company... so why would it be so difficult to find a person who enjoyed my company as much as I do.
I have reflected a lot on the personal growth I have experienced over the past two/three years.... what I learned through each and every relationship and where it has brought me... and what else I need to learn.. what this is teaching me.
I have believed that I need to become whole before I find my true partner. My whole partner.... J and I finally came together the day that I gave my 2 weeks notice at work... and my 2 month notice at my place.
My phone got cut off at the end of October and I all the methods I had planned on utilizing for income for rent fell through.. instead of fighting the circumstances I rolled with them... I accepted what was and decided that it was all pushing me to go out west and meet my biological father, Patrick. I didn't know how I was going to manage it, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept that change was inevitable and I could resist or fall in alignment.
It was three weeks ago..Thursday November 7, 2013. I had decided to leave and I had spent the few days before writing T a letter, an email... but nothing could really say what I wanted to say.. .I wanted to talk to him at the very least.. I wanted to share conversation, not just this one sided relationship I had created over the course of the past year.... that morning I got the courage and called his work number. I was surprised that when he answered and I declared myself he was calm and receptive. We spoke for about 15 minutes and he seemed to think that it was a good plan for me to head out west. I asked him if he would be available to see me before I left and he ended up sharing about some personal things that were going on with his family and said unfortunately seeing me was not on his priority lists... I told him if he reconsidered he could let me know... and if not to take care.. and he said the same thing to me...
. and that Thursday night J came into the restaurant. We had met in September. I had finally ventured across the road to the coffee shop. When I saw him working I thought he was handsome and ended up buying a book on fairies that was in the junk part of the store for 3 dollars. I remember telling him I worked across the street and had introduced myself..... He had come in a few times over the month of October.. we had had three or four conversations and every one I found him more and more interesting.... and then one night he mentioned he was going to a music night and asked if I would want to come.... I was so excited about the invite, but unfortunately I was working.... I thought about him that night... and that week... and then on the Thursday, just as I was leaving... he came in... I smiled and said "awe, I was just thinking about you."
He ordered a beer and we spent the next hour chatting. When he was about to order another I asked if he had beer at home and if it would be rude for me to invite myself to his house. He said no... but he was apprehensive and then told me that he didn't have a car. I thought there must be a story behind it, but when he didn't offer it up right away I made no issue of it and said "well then I guess you can ride ahead of me and I will follow you? and he said "well I could take my bike apart."
It was agreed and we headed to his house.
Pulling into his driveway I felt like I was home. He, like me, lives by himself about 7 km from town.. although I live 10 minutes outside of a bigger city, he lives outside a small town. The main difference? He is a farmer... I want to be.
He has chickens and ducks, dogs and a garden...
When I walked into his kitchen there was vinyl put up on the walls as decoration... and a record player sitting in the living room.
It was as though the universe was asking me to please not get rid of the vinyl mum had left me, as I had decided to do that in order to make enough money to get out west.
The night we spent just chatting about so much... getting stoned and drinking, laughing and getting to know each other. I mentioned the mobiles and instantly he was interested, brainstorming ideas... there was a moment where his enthusiasm and interest in what I am most passionate about gave way to love.
I spent the night... it was an odd decision for me... so many times in my life I had made the opposite decision... if I liked a man I would NOT sleep with him... because I was worried that I would put off the wrong impression.. but what I have learned over the course of the past year and a half is that I HAVE TO FOLLOW how I feel IN THE MOMENT.. and the moment lead to me wanting nothing more than to touch him.
I noticed anxiety had slowly crept into my space and I was incredibly fidgety.... I realized that the connection I was feeling was missing the physical contact as he didn't have a couch or anything that we sat close to each other so I was relegated to keep the space between us.
We had started to drink soon after I arrived and so the decision to stay over was already standing... but where had been the question.
We lay in bed.. chatting... and then finally I started rubbing my feet on his and he responded...
it felt like high school... and yet I had never really had a high school relationship.. I felt innocent.
I had already shared about my past.. I had told him about the blog and how many people I had slept with.... he knew my situation and he was free to decide whether he was still interested in me.
Its funny, not sleeping with T the first weekend taught me how.. without the physical connection, the emotional/spiritual connection could easily get lost... then experiencing choosing to sleep with I. from Ireland right away and experiencing the heartbreak that came with giving him my heart and trusting him so quickly and then having to let go... I had learned that I accept the future how ever it turns out and experiencing love on any level was more important than avoiding the pain of it not working out.
We made love three times that night and I drove him to work in the morning... it wasn't like what I felt with T or I. Trying to explain the difference is like describing a different flavour... but I will try.
Looking back, both of those men shared serendipity in common. There was a deep soul connection I felt with both... but the lives we were currently living were completely different.. with T. it was the similarities in our pasts, in our unique mothers... it was how our childhood had shaped the way we look at the world and our hope for the future. I... it was the Irish accent and the serendipity around moving, it was that he brought my own mother's and my own life experience to the forefront of my mind... it made me reconnect with my longing for my father... T. created a space to appreciate my mother's uniqueness and I. did the same for me around my father.
J. is an equal in his evolution. Although he comes at his lived experience from a completely different life course... we just fit.
When he hugs me I feel like I am IN HIS ARMS. that there is no one else he would rather be next to.
He touches me the way I touch people.. like I can feel them.. like I see them... intimately its the most amazing experience.
It's been three weeks... three weeks of falling in love.. at the most stressful point in my life....
Being present is difficult when everything else seems like it needs to be handled... but it was in letting go of figuring it out that he showed up.. and I have spent the past three weeks constantly reminding myself of that..... that I have searched my whole life to feel this way and that although everything else is in chaos, the NO-thing-ness of my life is the space that can create things only out of wildest dreams.
The next day I dropped him off work and joked that in a small town we will certainly become gossip.
It didn't take long to find out that J's boss had seen us leaving the restaurant together and then saw him being dropped off the next morning by me.
Friday night he had other plans and didn't invite me, but he came by my work and before he left he gave me a little note apologizing with a P.S. I like you.
Saturday night I came into work and shortly thereafter J came in with his friend. As I went to pour a couple of pints one of the guys that worked with me had been acting weird and I asked him what was up.... all of a sudden I was accosted. As angry as someone could get he told me how much he hated me.. how horrible a human being I was and how grateful he was that I was leaving... I stood there calmly as he grimaced, put his face 6 inches from my own and told me how much he HATED me. I asked what I had done wrong and he came up with three things that I had apparently done... all of which could be readily explained and one of which I didn't even do. It was the strangest thing... and the voice in my heart just said "LEAVE".
The same Thursday that J and I reconnected... my old preceptor from one of my nursing rotations came in and asked me why I hadn't applied for a job at the local Long Term Care facility she worked at, and encouraged me to come in the next day for an interview. I had mentioned that I was planning on leaving for out west, but she told me that I at least should come in for the interview and see what happens.... maybe I would end up staying.
I went in for the interview... and when I was asked point blankly whether I was planning on staying for a while, I was honest and mentioned that I had plans on going out west eventually.. I couldn't lie..... I worried that that would prevent me from getting the job, but it was more important to not lie than to get the job I guess...
So the woman had asked if I was completely available and I said yes. So while I was being verbally accosted I felt like this was my out.. not to mention I was not interested in returning to a place where someone had spoken to me like this... had it been any other time I would have complained.. but considering I was planning on leaving anyways.. it made sense to quit... of which I did.
It was the weirdest thing to watch myself calmly decide that I no longer wanted to work there... more than money, more than respect... I felt like the verbal abuse warranted my leaving. As I stood there in front of my boss and reiterated what I had just been told and I said I don't really want to return... I started internally fighting with the idea of not having any kind of income and putting all my eggs into one basket... but it felt like a relief, it felt empowering.... although as I was talking I started back peddling and saying that if they still needed me I would work a few shifts...
I returned to J. He said later he could see how flustered I was... and when I went over that night he hugged me and told me that I would be ok. I ended up only staying for a few hours and then headed to my friend's b-day party in Oshawa. It was a wonderful day to see her and spend time with her... MAN I MISS HER.
The next day I ended up leaving early and cancelling plans because of time constraints... oddly enough I went and picked up my cats and showed up at his house in the afternoon before work. We had talked briefly about it.. but looking back it had only been 3 days.. but for some reason I trusted him.. I knew it would be ok.
That night I went to work to find my name crossed off the schedule. It was official I no longer had a job.
I returned to his house that night and walked in the kitchen and said "I hope you really like me, because now I am job-less too.. lol"
He hugged me tightly and said "it'll all work out... it always does." I spent the night with him and my cats.... totally thankful to be on a new adventure with the trust that everything would work out as it should.... repeating to him that I had to STILL go out west... that no matter what happened between us... my destiny was out west and that I couldn't just stay.....the more the time passes, the more that seems like it will be more and more emotionally difficult. But then I have spent the past 3 weeks falling in love.... and learning more and more about myself, my triggers and how I react to stress within a relationship. Its the new lessons of my life.... but that will have to wait to the next post.
I believe in my heart that it was jumping.. it was finally believing that I could take care of myself... that I had reached a space inside myself where I trust myself enough to take care of myself and ensure that I will be ok. It was inside my feeling whole... that J. showed up.. and I believe that he is here to help me complete my internal journey of growth... separate yet together... space in our togetherness. That's the new lesson....
and that everything is created out of NO-THING-NESS.
A
It is a weird space to have everything in my life dissolve... I wonder if I did it to myself.. I wonder what the lesson is.. I fight with the internal dialogue of failure and fear and the invisible faith I have in something greater....
Its a difficult thing to balance the belief that your thoughts create your reality and there is a divine plan. Does my life dissolving a result of my thoughts? or the grand scheme of life? I suppose it must be both.... as I have found a kind of love I have never experienced before.
I had always dreamed of being in a partnership where I felt completely seen and loved for who I am... I like myself... I enjoy my own company... so why would it be so difficult to find a person who enjoyed my company as much as I do.
I have reflected a lot on the personal growth I have experienced over the past two/three years.... what I learned through each and every relationship and where it has brought me... and what else I need to learn.. what this is teaching me.
I have believed that I need to become whole before I find my true partner. My whole partner.... J and I finally came together the day that I gave my 2 weeks notice at work... and my 2 month notice at my place.
My phone got cut off at the end of October and I all the methods I had planned on utilizing for income for rent fell through.. instead of fighting the circumstances I rolled with them... I accepted what was and decided that it was all pushing me to go out west and meet my biological father, Patrick. I didn't know how I was going to manage it, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept that change was inevitable and I could resist or fall in alignment.
It was three weeks ago..Thursday November 7, 2013. I had decided to leave and I had spent the few days before writing T a letter, an email... but nothing could really say what I wanted to say.. .I wanted to talk to him at the very least.. I wanted to share conversation, not just this one sided relationship I had created over the course of the past year.... that morning I got the courage and called his work number. I was surprised that when he answered and I declared myself he was calm and receptive. We spoke for about 15 minutes and he seemed to think that it was a good plan for me to head out west. I asked him if he would be available to see me before I left and he ended up sharing about some personal things that were going on with his family and said unfortunately seeing me was not on his priority lists... I told him if he reconsidered he could let me know... and if not to take care.. and he said the same thing to me...
. and that Thursday night J came into the restaurant. We had met in September. I had finally ventured across the road to the coffee shop. When I saw him working I thought he was handsome and ended up buying a book on fairies that was in the junk part of the store for 3 dollars. I remember telling him I worked across the street and had introduced myself..... He had come in a few times over the month of October.. we had had three or four conversations and every one I found him more and more interesting.... and then one night he mentioned he was going to a music night and asked if I would want to come.... I was so excited about the invite, but unfortunately I was working.... I thought about him that night... and that week... and then on the Thursday, just as I was leaving... he came in... I smiled and said "awe, I was just thinking about you."
He ordered a beer and we spent the next hour chatting. When he was about to order another I asked if he had beer at home and if it would be rude for me to invite myself to his house. He said no... but he was apprehensive and then told me that he didn't have a car. I thought there must be a story behind it, but when he didn't offer it up right away I made no issue of it and said "well then I guess you can ride ahead of me and I will follow you? and he said "well I could take my bike apart."
It was agreed and we headed to his house.
Pulling into his driveway I felt like I was home. He, like me, lives by himself about 7 km from town.. although I live 10 minutes outside of a bigger city, he lives outside a small town. The main difference? He is a farmer... I want to be.
He has chickens and ducks, dogs and a garden...
When I walked into his kitchen there was vinyl put up on the walls as decoration... and a record player sitting in the living room.
It was as though the universe was asking me to please not get rid of the vinyl mum had left me, as I had decided to do that in order to make enough money to get out west.
The night we spent just chatting about so much... getting stoned and drinking, laughing and getting to know each other. I mentioned the mobiles and instantly he was interested, brainstorming ideas... there was a moment where his enthusiasm and interest in what I am most passionate about gave way to love.
I spent the night... it was an odd decision for me... so many times in my life I had made the opposite decision... if I liked a man I would NOT sleep with him... because I was worried that I would put off the wrong impression.. but what I have learned over the course of the past year and a half is that I HAVE TO FOLLOW how I feel IN THE MOMENT.. and the moment lead to me wanting nothing more than to touch him.
I noticed anxiety had slowly crept into my space and I was incredibly fidgety.... I realized that the connection I was feeling was missing the physical contact as he didn't have a couch or anything that we sat close to each other so I was relegated to keep the space between us.
We had started to drink soon after I arrived and so the decision to stay over was already standing... but where had been the question.
We lay in bed.. chatting... and then finally I started rubbing my feet on his and he responded...
it felt like high school... and yet I had never really had a high school relationship.. I felt innocent.
I had already shared about my past.. I had told him about the blog and how many people I had slept with.... he knew my situation and he was free to decide whether he was still interested in me.
Its funny, not sleeping with T the first weekend taught me how.. without the physical connection, the emotional/spiritual connection could easily get lost... then experiencing choosing to sleep with I. from Ireland right away and experiencing the heartbreak that came with giving him my heart and trusting him so quickly and then having to let go... I had learned that I accept the future how ever it turns out and experiencing love on any level was more important than avoiding the pain of it not working out.
We made love three times that night and I drove him to work in the morning... it wasn't like what I felt with T or I. Trying to explain the difference is like describing a different flavour... but I will try.
Looking back, both of those men shared serendipity in common. There was a deep soul connection I felt with both... but the lives we were currently living were completely different.. with T. it was the similarities in our pasts, in our unique mothers... it was how our childhood had shaped the way we look at the world and our hope for the future. I... it was the Irish accent and the serendipity around moving, it was that he brought my own mother's and my own life experience to the forefront of my mind... it made me reconnect with my longing for my father... T. created a space to appreciate my mother's uniqueness and I. did the same for me around my father.
J. is an equal in his evolution. Although he comes at his lived experience from a completely different life course... we just fit.
When he hugs me I feel like I am IN HIS ARMS. that there is no one else he would rather be next to.
He touches me the way I touch people.. like I can feel them.. like I see them... intimately its the most amazing experience.
It's been three weeks... three weeks of falling in love.. at the most stressful point in my life....
Being present is difficult when everything else seems like it needs to be handled... but it was in letting go of figuring it out that he showed up.. and I have spent the past three weeks constantly reminding myself of that..... that I have searched my whole life to feel this way and that although everything else is in chaos, the NO-thing-ness of my life is the space that can create things only out of wildest dreams.
The next day I dropped him off work and joked that in a small town we will certainly become gossip.
It didn't take long to find out that J's boss had seen us leaving the restaurant together and then saw him being dropped off the next morning by me.
Friday night he had other plans and didn't invite me, but he came by my work and before he left he gave me a little note apologizing with a P.S. I like you.
Saturday night I came into work and shortly thereafter J came in with his friend. As I went to pour a couple of pints one of the guys that worked with me had been acting weird and I asked him what was up.... all of a sudden I was accosted. As angry as someone could get he told me how much he hated me.. how horrible a human being I was and how grateful he was that I was leaving... I stood there calmly as he grimaced, put his face 6 inches from my own and told me how much he HATED me. I asked what I had done wrong and he came up with three things that I had apparently done... all of which could be readily explained and one of which I didn't even do. It was the strangest thing... and the voice in my heart just said "LEAVE".
The same Thursday that J and I reconnected... my old preceptor from one of my nursing rotations came in and asked me why I hadn't applied for a job at the local Long Term Care facility she worked at, and encouraged me to come in the next day for an interview. I had mentioned that I was planning on leaving for out west, but she told me that I at least should come in for the interview and see what happens.... maybe I would end up staying.
I went in for the interview... and when I was asked point blankly whether I was planning on staying for a while, I was honest and mentioned that I had plans on going out west eventually.. I couldn't lie..... I worried that that would prevent me from getting the job, but it was more important to not lie than to get the job I guess...
So the woman had asked if I was completely available and I said yes. So while I was being verbally accosted I felt like this was my out.. not to mention I was not interested in returning to a place where someone had spoken to me like this... had it been any other time I would have complained.. but considering I was planning on leaving anyways.. it made sense to quit... of which I did.
It was the weirdest thing to watch myself calmly decide that I no longer wanted to work there... more than money, more than respect... I felt like the verbal abuse warranted my leaving. As I stood there in front of my boss and reiterated what I had just been told and I said I don't really want to return... I started internally fighting with the idea of not having any kind of income and putting all my eggs into one basket... but it felt like a relief, it felt empowering.... although as I was talking I started back peddling and saying that if they still needed me I would work a few shifts...
I returned to J. He said later he could see how flustered I was... and when I went over that night he hugged me and told me that I would be ok. I ended up only staying for a few hours and then headed to my friend's b-day party in Oshawa. It was a wonderful day to see her and spend time with her... MAN I MISS HER.
The next day I ended up leaving early and cancelling plans because of time constraints... oddly enough I went and picked up my cats and showed up at his house in the afternoon before work. We had talked briefly about it.. but looking back it had only been 3 days.. but for some reason I trusted him.. I knew it would be ok.
That night I went to work to find my name crossed off the schedule. It was official I no longer had a job.
I returned to his house that night and walked in the kitchen and said "I hope you really like me, because now I am job-less too.. lol"
He hugged me tightly and said "it'll all work out... it always does." I spent the night with him and my cats.... totally thankful to be on a new adventure with the trust that everything would work out as it should.... repeating to him that I had to STILL go out west... that no matter what happened between us... my destiny was out west and that I couldn't just stay.....the more the time passes, the more that seems like it will be more and more emotionally difficult. But then I have spent the past 3 weeks falling in love.... and learning more and more about myself, my triggers and how I react to stress within a relationship. Its the new lessons of my life.... but that will have to wait to the next post.
I believe in my heart that it was jumping.. it was finally believing that I could take care of myself... that I had reached a space inside myself where I trust myself enough to take care of myself and ensure that I will be ok. It was inside my feeling whole... that J. showed up.. and I believe that he is here to help me complete my internal journey of growth... separate yet together... space in our togetherness. That's the new lesson....
and that everything is created out of NO-THING-NESS.
A
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