I'm in the moment of realizing how angry I am. How unbelievable angry I am that J. is not fighting for me. To love someone as deep as I love... and for them to just walk away as though it doesn't matter at all. I want to hit him.. I want to throw things.. I am so angry that he's walking away.
I'm realizing that I still care what he thinks... that I want to be amicable... and I am still doing what I was doing before.... trying to make myself be ok with everything. I can barely feel how upset I am... how angry I am... I still don't understand how someone could hurt the person they love most in the world as much as he has hurt me... I want to be ok. I want to let it go.. but man... and to know that I am worried about paying rent for the next few months.. that's why I am keepig it together... in order to survive.
I have to let it out.. I have to tell him I never want to see him again.. that he has hurt me too much.. that we are through.. that our relationship is sooo over.. that he can't get the good without the bad.. and that if he wants me.. he has to want all of me.. or none of me. and I have to face what comes next... for me.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
The Universe creates and provides
I'm buying a car tomorrow. I'm so freaking excited!!!
you know excitement is a really interesting thing... I have always known that if you cut off the bad emotions you don't get to feel the good ones either.. and there have been a few monumental things in the past few years that I knew i should be really excited about.. but I wasn't... like going to Korea, or getting into school, or getting an 85% avg. !! Or getting a letter from my father after waiting for 29 years!... I couldn't feel the excitement... and now.. having tired up all my loose ends.. and burning through this karma... I feel excited again! about my own life! and looking back I can see that everytime I felt excited I felt guilty.. any time that I put myself first people around me criticized me. and brought me down.. so I was scared! and now I see I have these beautiful people around me that just want to support me and for me to be happy and when I am excited they can be too! It's trully an amazing feeling.. and to watch everything unfold so perfectly. I needed a car for this weekend... and it happpened! My Uncle found it.. My aunt agreed to lend me the money, the insurance company got everything in order.. the mechanic fixed it up in time... I just so happened to get tomorrow off.. I was supposed to be in school... just everything! Now my brother is going to pick me up at the train station and drive me to the dealership.. and I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years?
Then I'm going to meet of with J. I'm bringing him his golf clubs. Its so amazing.. I'm living like there are no rules. I amm just following my heart.. and I truly just adore him! I wanted to talk to him tonight so I picked up the phone and called... it was so nice to just chat... and not be worried about what he thought... we just chatted... and it was lovely. He agreed that he would go hide the geocache with me when he was up again, so I'm happy about that. Freedom!
Anyways.. I got to go to bed!
night!
you know excitement is a really interesting thing... I have always known that if you cut off the bad emotions you don't get to feel the good ones either.. and there have been a few monumental things in the past few years that I knew i should be really excited about.. but I wasn't... like going to Korea, or getting into school, or getting an 85% avg. !! Or getting a letter from my father after waiting for 29 years!... I couldn't feel the excitement... and now.. having tired up all my loose ends.. and burning through this karma... I feel excited again! about my own life! and looking back I can see that everytime I felt excited I felt guilty.. any time that I put myself first people around me criticized me. and brought me down.. so I was scared! and now I see I have these beautiful people around me that just want to support me and for me to be happy and when I am excited they can be too! It's trully an amazing feeling.. and to watch everything unfold so perfectly. I needed a car for this weekend... and it happpened! My Uncle found it.. My aunt agreed to lend me the money, the insurance company got everything in order.. the mechanic fixed it up in time... I just so happened to get tomorrow off.. I was supposed to be in school... just everything! Now my brother is going to pick me up at the train station and drive me to the dealership.. and I haven't seen him in maybe 5 years?
Then I'm going to meet of with J. I'm bringing him his golf clubs. Its so amazing.. I'm living like there are no rules. I amm just following my heart.. and I truly just adore him! I wanted to talk to him tonight so I picked up the phone and called... it was so nice to just chat... and not be worried about what he thought... we just chatted... and it was lovely. He agreed that he would go hide the geocache with me when he was up again, so I'm happy about that. Freedom!
Anyways.. I got to go to bed!
night!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Freedom
I have never felt so free. So alive. So thankful.
I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...
Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.
Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...
Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.
I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.
what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.
So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...
I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.
One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.
I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.
Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.
This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.
Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.
Man I'm scared.
Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.
I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.
I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox
I broke up with J and it was the nicest thing... letting go...painlessly. I have realized that my whole life I have been seeking the approval of men... trying to get them to like me... needing attention and no matter how they treated me I would never pick myself over them.. put my feelings before theirs... always worrying what they were thinking and what they were feeling... and why they were the way they were... OBSESSED... and clearly from the past what 6 years of posting... it is clear that I have been rather obsessed with men. This has been my WHOLE life... at 4 I was playing kissing tag....I would obsess over boys when I was a kid... always hoping that they would like me...
Deciding that my relationship with J was over... not because I hated him, but because I loved myself more... being able to talk to him and realzing that we both still love eachother.. but that we know that we would be happier apart... is somthing that I have NEVER done... dreamt of... but never done. And I honestly think my mother NEVER did. To walk away from something believing that I trully will be ok... not knowing what will happen, but looking forward to it....and trusting that I have people around me that love me and want to help me.... seeing that I have a goal and I am working towards it.. and when I get it I will, for the first time in my lineage, be a self sustaining woman. I will no longer need a man to take care of me. I believe in myself.. and my life... and I will give up a man... my number one obsession.. for my dreams. I actually believe in my dreams... and I'm acting like it.
Through this exxperience I have started remembering things from my life that I have never remembered... things about what makes me so cool. It's like a fog has lifted... like I have been so obssessed about whether a man likes me or not... I haven't noticed my own life...
Figuring out that I deserve more has been a process of looking at my own life and recognizing all the amazing things I have done, seen and been... all the things that when I meet someone I look for... and I'm pretty freaking awesome... and the more awesome I realize I am, the more I recognize that I am trully starting to love myself... and that I have to fill myself up with me. I killed the karma.
I chose my mother so that I could be given the opportunity to face my biggest obstacle... thinking that a man was more important than me. and I am in the process of passing :) wow.
what a feeling! To realize that I love myself THAT much.. and that I beat something that I could have been addicted to for the rest of my life. That I was able to actually see what was killing me... and release it for a future I couldn't possibly imagine.
So what I have realized about myself... I am STRONG.. like CRAZY strong.. I have been through so much... seen so much.. and I am still happy... I fight for what I believe in and I believe in LOVE. I believe LOVE is the only way to tackle any issue. I have never been deliberately mean to anyone in my entire life. I don't know anyone that hates me. I have travelled the world and have met the most interesting people. The experiences I had, going home with people, partying with strangers, travelling by myself... I can get along with EVERYONE on the freaking planet. There is no one on the planet that I hate... and for that I am very proud.. that I have forgiven everyone.. including myself for any wrongs they may have done. I am in the process of releasing them.. because I am realizing that in my heart I want to forgive them.. but I couldn't because I was scared that I was not standing up for myself... but standing up for yourself isn't being mean and holding a grudge, standing up for yourself is loving the person and choosing something different because you believe it will trully make you happier... not knowing what the future will bring, but believing in a beautiful future...
I think what changed is that I am no longer looking back on all the things I wish and long for, but I am whole hartedly looking forward to the future.. the one I get to create.. I get to paint.
One of the things I know I most need to work on is self discipline and responsibility.. having men as my focus has trully distracted me from me.. and I am poor at keeping my space clean all the time, I am poor and going to bed on time, I am poor at being completely prepared for anything... I've just been coasting.... hoping for something.
I believe that going into nursing has also really helped this growth.. finding something that just fits with me... feeling like I belong.. like I already know so much about nursing.. its internal in me... it just fits with everything I am. I'm super excited about this... I've never really let myself get excited about anything... holy crap... since I was young I haven't REALLY trully been excited about anything... or I have.. but I haven't allowed myself to really and trully FEEL it... it's like this deep sense of hope... it comes from my heart.. like a beacon... and the beacon is me.. the person I want to be.. the person I can;t wait to become... Becoming a nurse for me is freedom.
Now the struggle is going to remain in this space. Its so easy to revert back into old habits... to forget my own strengths.... to get all insecure that people are going to judge me... I need to try and maintain a check in that makes sure that I continue to pick your happiness... if I'm not happy change it.
This is going to be a very interesting journey. I hope that I can get disciplined enough to write about it as often as possible... I am so excited.. and SCARED shitless.. I can't believe there is so much I have to do.. and learn.. and get a hold of. My finances, my schedule, my weight, my meals, my hygiene, my health. There's so much that I need to do for myself so that I become the person I want. It seems so overwhelming.. and so easy to revert back and just coast through... it seems like I was doing pretty ok.. somehow... lol.
Man, this painting inside me is so expansive.. the life standing before me.. is so open... I want to learn EVERYTHING... and go EVERYWHERE.... I want it ALL... however that looks.
Man I'm scared.
Can I just say how much I love J. How thankful I am for this relationship.. and how much it showed me? He's a phenomenol person..and has his shit to deal with.. but let's be honest.. so do I. I need to focus on myself. Get organized.. and get busy. make it happen. In my heart I don't think this is our end... I think we will someday come back together... but who knows... only time will tell.
I'm going to miss him like freaking crazy. He brought out all the best things in me.. all the worst too... but all the best.. he helped me get to do some of the things that I love.. teach me some of the things that I never knew I love. Laugh with me.. be goofy, love me even though I'm crazy.. and I loved him even though he was crazy. He really just made me so happy. I will always love him, even if we never cross paths again.
I need to focus completely on me. no distractions. only my life. like tunnel vision.
k, I have to go to sleep...
oxoxox
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
transition
So its interesting, for years that voice that whispers to me has always said, write down what you think... write down your realizations and revelations.. and sometimes I do.. and sometimes I don't.. but right now its louder than ever and I must.
I am in a clarity.. a transition if you will... and I know like life there are moments where you are on fire and everything is clicking and then something happens and you lose sight of something... get off track if you will and forget who you are... neither is good or bad.. its just transition... so I NEED to write down what is going on.
I broke up with J. Or he broke up with me... I really am not sure. He left and I let him.
It had been coming for a long while... every major fight we had made me feel closer and closer to the fact that I had to eventually find the strength to leave.
Its been so difficult because he brought so much beauty and light to my life.. he showed me love... he provided a house and a car and a dog, he encouraged me to get out into nature and grounded me in so many ways. I love him sooo much I can't even tell you... and so everytime I saw that he wasn't respecting me, or honouring me... my heart would break at the idea that I could not continue....
a month ago we had a fight where he said 2 things that changed everything "I hold all the cards...I pay for the apartment and the car... what are you going to do about it?" and "maybe you should just listen better, I'm the man."
I had never had someone actually say that outloud to me before.. and for the first time I CLEARLY saw.. that he wanted to control me.
It's interesting, because I know he is completely unaware of the impact that had on me... but I saw the life that I wanted for myself slip away in those two sentences and I thought... I will never get to be the woman I want to be under this suppression.
During one of our many conversations over the past few weeks I said to him that I've noticed that the closer he gets to thinking that I am the one he wants to marry, the meaner he gets.. the more controlling... my thoughts... that he is out of control, because I embody so much of what he doesn't agree with/understand about the world.. andI didn't show up the way he expected... I have not reached my full potential.. and instead of seeing the love that I have for him and cherishing it... he wanted to control it.. like so many men do... and in so doing has lost me.
The freedom I feel 5 days after the last time I saw him is unbelievable... and although I am sad that we need to break up... I am so incredibly thankful for the process... for everything.
Over the past few days I have noticed that something has lifted inside of me and memories long lost have been resurfacing.. a review of some of my life...
I am coming home... to myself... and with every step towards self honouring, self love, self actualization.. what ever you want to call it... I am loving my mother and appreciating her even more.
I come from a different world. I was raised by a hippie, who knew more about health than anyone she knew.. and she was always criticized because it was different.... I was loved to the end of the universe and my mother trully believed that I was given to her to take care of and to build my own wings... we had bumps along the way.. because of course we are only human... but at the end of the day she encouraged me in everything she could.. and wanted to be nothing but myself.
As I got older I saw how she was treated... and I wanted to be accepted.. so I started to treat her similarily... but most of all, I started treating myself like that.. and the past 15 years have been the fall, and the rebirth of those beliefs, but this time from education, knowledge and experience.
I have experienced a life like no one I know. I do what I want. I always have.. and I have always believed it was going to work. I question myself... all the time.. but when I don't life has always just shown up for me... and I am scared to admit that because I am scared of the criticism... but that is the truth. When you trust the universe by trusting the voice inside you.. the voice that always knows best.... the universe provides.
I never thought I would be so happy when I am so sad... so thankful... full of love for life... when I can't bear the thought of seeing him again when he comes to get his things. I keep hoping that something will change in him and he will realize that my love is soul deep... that its the kind of love people dream of... the kind of love he wants... but he is so stubborn, so hell bent on believing what he does.. that he doesn't see the beauty of life staring at him... he has moments... but not the kind ofmoment that would require a complete shift in awareness.. a complete shift in love.
I have always felt that one of the things holding me back was my fear of losing people.. especially men.. it is something that keeps me a certain way, or changes me... I'm scared to be judged.. and not liked... and have felt very alone in my life, so I keep people... and I worry that if I say what I believe I won't be liked anymore.. I will be judged. to be honest... I don't want to be someone who believes in myths and legends.. and a man standing above us.. dictating our lives to us.... I believe in science... and the more I learn.. the more I realize that science is starting to explain what I know to be true.. what I have always known to be true.
We are GOD. Anything you know jesus said is true... its the interpretation that's all fucked up.. and it is not him who must be idolized its who he said we could be.... my favorite"forgive them, they know not what they do."
Its interesting.. I have noticed that so many people say that person is manipulating me... or he is intentionally being mean... but the truth is... most people have no idea.. they are so caught up in their own weird shit in their OWN head... that they think that they are protecting themselves.. or getting what they want... but power does not equal happiness.. and anyone who has tasted true freedom... the freedom to go anywhere and be anyone... that can't be bought. It's an inner quality.. anyone who has tasted true love... knows that can't be bought. Anyone who has experienced pride... knows that can't be bought... people seek happiness in all the wrong places... where we feel empty.. like there is a void in us... a sadness... and what I am realizing that that space that is missing is me. It's scary trying to find yourself.. and to be honest.. its organic.. there are no rules to discovering who you are.. or how to find yourself.. how to turn in... how to start loving yourself...
but I started with 2 things.
1. Everytime I catch myself saying something negative about myself I would say I love you...you are awesome.. or some relation to that... sometimes I would simply say ctrl alt delete, which is something someone told me they do.. man I wish I remembered who that was... at first it was difficult, because I believed the shit I told myself... because as far as I was concerned.. I was... you know what I am talking about.. that voice who when you do stupid shit like burn toast tells yourself that you are stupid and what the fuck.. etc. Or when you dissapoint someone and you think they will never love you again because you are such a fuck up... I will tell you though.. it took a long time to start catching myself. First it was just saying nice things to myself.. like you are beautiful.. I am beautiful.... my stomach would feel weird.. I felt uncomfortable... because I didn't believe it.. and I am honest to a fault.. so I felt like I was betraying myself... but the more and more I started saying nice things to myself.. the more and more I started believing it... at first I caught myself once every month, saying a shitty thing to myself.. then is was once every couple of weeks... I would forget again.. and then the net time I would remember I would praactice... over time the times started getting mroe frequently.. until I started catching myself saying shitty things to myself... actually WHILE I was saying something shitty to myself... and so in the process I was changing my dialogue with myself...
I think one of the hardest things for most people going through self discovery is the practical side of things.. its all great to learn about everything from an intelectual standpoint.. but how tdo you integrate that... for me the question is always "WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE". well that's what that step looks like... not pretty, annoying a struggle and I would forget all the time... the point though is to just do it when you remember.. and you aren't allowed to get mad at yourelf for not remembering.. because the whole tast is to stop berating yourself... I have had to learn to stop hating on myself so much and thinking that I am a complete fuck up... only then did things start to really change... I still ahve so far to go... but that was the beginning.
2.
The goal in life is to really be true to yourself.. and the only way to become true to yourself is by trusting yourself.. and the only way to trust yourself is to start listening to yourself.. and the only way to start listening to yourself is to stop being a bully to yourself... start being nice.. its not selfish.. its selfLESS.. because when you start listening to that inner voice.. the one that whispers to you through feeling... and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder and louder until finally you are so sick you have to sleep more.. whatever it is... whereever you feel it.. its there.. its intuition.
Intuition for me is the feeling that says that I know best... no one else. and if I listen.. everything will work out.. Now don't get me wrong I am not writing this to preach.. I freaking have no idea most of the time.. I am simply sharing my own experience in the hopes that it will help someone else feel like there is someone who understands...
It's 3:30am.. of course.. and I have to go to sleep because I am going to the gym tomorrow... but I felt that I really needed to write something down.. what I was thinking.
What I feel about J is... well there's a lot.. but for right now... that I am leaving at eactly the right time.. that everytime we got into a fight and I would yell about how he wasn't accepting me for me.. and if he was going to trully love me he had to let me be me... When he told me that he was scared that he was going to cheat on me if I didn't lose weight, that what I believed in was rediculous, that I was naive and didn't really understand the world.. that I had no sense of humour, that I wasn't feminine enough... that everytime he said anything mean to me or questioned who I was... I realized that he is simply saying EXACTLY what I tell myself. That he was an exact mirror of me and my EGO. And everytime I stood up to him.. I no longer had any more ecuses to think that of myself... because how the hell could I tell him he was being rediculous and not tell myself the exact same thing... I learned from every fight that I was better than that..
I had hope that through me standing up for myself and growing.. he too would grow.. but one thing I have realized very recently is that I must take care of my inner love.. my inner heart... and I must learn to honour myself.. honour that voice.
I noticed our last fight that I kept talking to him even though he was saying aweful things to me.. that I kept engaging.. which finally lead up to this week where he got mad again and said the two things that scared me the most... that he loved his ex more than me.. and that I was fat. and for the first time in my entire life I actually said ENOUGH.We were at a stop sign and in a split second I heard inside me... GET OUT.. you don't DESERVE THIS... get out get out get out.. this is your life.. you get to decide what happens.. I unbuckled my seat belt.. and instead of threatening or thinking.. I looked behind.. made sure I was safe and I knew I had just enough time to jump out of the car and get to the other side of the road.
I removed myself from the pain.
I sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes and when I realized that he wasn't coming back.. I walked.... in that time I talked to my friend and got coached on what was going on... a few things she said that have stuck with me is... look at where you are right now...feel it. you are walking home...and the man you love isn't coming to get you... you never want to feel like this again...
and 2. what ever happens you have to promise yourself you will not fight with him.
I called him 30 minutes later and he responded an hour later... and came and picked me up. When he picked me up he appologized for saying the things that would hurt me the most (something that we have been talking about and he is starting to be aware of.. but can't seem to change.) I said ok. in the calmest, unjudgemental way possible. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say and I cheerfully responded "no."
When we got home he asked if there was really was nothing I wanted to say.. and again I responded with a cheerful no.. and then as I grabbed a beer a book and decided to go sit on the back lawn.. I heard him under his breath say "this is your last chance"
I didn't react I just went and sat in the back yard. I figured Id take a few hours.. and we would talk.. but instead he packed the car and came over to me and said "I thought i loved you, but I have to leave" I said ok.
there is more to the story.. as he drove away and then came back. We talked for about 25 more minutes... in which time i remained unbelievably calm and composed and spoke my truth. that the only thing I ever asked for was to be respected... and that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect me. He couldn't see it.... and left.
I haven't heard from him in 5 days... and although I have had moments of shear break down... I have had more moments of insight and my heart is so open to love.
I knew that one day I was going to have to face my fear of losing everything and follow my heart. That this very act was going to change me... because in the moment I cared more for myself than the car, the job, the house, the fun, the food, the dog...and all the love I had received from him.. in that moment I realized that I was enough....and that I deserved more.
I do not hate J.. because through every fucked up scenario I have become stronger, built my self esteem, and become more convicted in my beliefs... through this relationship I found myself... and through letting him go.. I found my strength... my love for myself.
I had been planning it.. but had been so scared because I couldn't figure out logistics... but it was when I didn't care about logisitics anymore.. and I listened to my heart in the moment that it was happening.. all I could hear was "don't resist.. go with the flow" and I let him go.
I do not know what will happen between us... all I know is that I had to go through this in order to believe myself more.. in order to believe in the universe more... and that whatever he needs in order to have his heart cracked open.. could clearly only happen if I had made that choice.
J is so close.. the life he has lived has created this beautiful man... I simply see that he, like I, is terrified of who he really is.. of his true dreams.. and that is what gets in the way of our love... I only hope one day J will realize the depth and magnitude of my love... and love himself... accept himself and his love and blossom into the beautiful man I know he is...
I am so unbelievably thankful, that J had the belief in being completely honest.... because his honesty opened me up.. even though it hurt... and that everything happens for a reason.
I am still struggling with logistics, and with all the other things I do against myself like smoking, drinking, eating meat, not dancing, not doing yoga.. etc. I am working on them one little bit at a time... but since listening to my heart... beauty hass just unfolded around me... my family and friends are supporting me like I have never experienced before... I am opening my heart to love.. and it is all around... the trick though is it is a process.. I always wanted to jump to the other end... but its the process.. and listening to your heart.
My convictions now are, when we finally do talk again... to not get mad.. to stay in this space that I felt today.. today there was a moment of pure clarity and I realized that I am awesome. Not in the vain narcissistic way.. but in the way of realizing that I have lived a life with no regrets. and I am still hopeful.. that I am one of the best people I know.. and i would want to be my friend... and that I deserve everything I ever dreamed of. (of course its going to take alot of hard work... and I still have a lot of growing up to do.. but in the end... I'll get it) So... I hope that I can somehow find it in myself to stay in that place when I see him again.. and not try to fix it or try to get him to see like I always do.. but rather .. remain calm... loving.. and tell him that he has a lot of growing up to do.. and I won't stay with someone who hurts me. EVER. I love him. I always will, and I believe in my heart that someday he will realize... but that I have to let him do that on his own... I can do nothing to fi him.. except to allow myself to accept that this relationship is over... for now.
peace. acceptance. I have realized I am the epitome of the tarot card "the fool" a fool goes on loving, even when people hurt them.. goes on loving and trusting... open to the world... to the universe and to others... and I finally realized what the expression fools don't suffer lightly means.... that even though us fools look naive... we do not suffer lightly.. we have been broken and have put the pieces back together.. and that is specifically WHY we are fools. Because we see the value in love... and it is our highest goal... we suffer.. but then we appreciate life so much more.
I am so thankful for llife... for the beauty of life and to watch it unfold in a brilliant manner. one step at a time.
I got tot go to sleep we are running tomorrow.
I am in a clarity.. a transition if you will... and I know like life there are moments where you are on fire and everything is clicking and then something happens and you lose sight of something... get off track if you will and forget who you are... neither is good or bad.. its just transition... so I NEED to write down what is going on.
I broke up with J. Or he broke up with me... I really am not sure. He left and I let him.
It had been coming for a long while... every major fight we had made me feel closer and closer to the fact that I had to eventually find the strength to leave.
Its been so difficult because he brought so much beauty and light to my life.. he showed me love... he provided a house and a car and a dog, he encouraged me to get out into nature and grounded me in so many ways. I love him sooo much I can't even tell you... and so everytime I saw that he wasn't respecting me, or honouring me... my heart would break at the idea that I could not continue....
a month ago we had a fight where he said 2 things that changed everything "I hold all the cards...I pay for the apartment and the car... what are you going to do about it?" and "maybe you should just listen better, I'm the man."
I had never had someone actually say that outloud to me before.. and for the first time I CLEARLY saw.. that he wanted to control me.
It's interesting, because I know he is completely unaware of the impact that had on me... but I saw the life that I wanted for myself slip away in those two sentences and I thought... I will never get to be the woman I want to be under this suppression.
During one of our many conversations over the past few weeks I said to him that I've noticed that the closer he gets to thinking that I am the one he wants to marry, the meaner he gets.. the more controlling... my thoughts... that he is out of control, because I embody so much of what he doesn't agree with/understand about the world.. andI didn't show up the way he expected... I have not reached my full potential.. and instead of seeing the love that I have for him and cherishing it... he wanted to control it.. like so many men do... and in so doing has lost me.
The freedom I feel 5 days after the last time I saw him is unbelievable... and although I am sad that we need to break up... I am so incredibly thankful for the process... for everything.
Over the past few days I have noticed that something has lifted inside of me and memories long lost have been resurfacing.. a review of some of my life...
I am coming home... to myself... and with every step towards self honouring, self love, self actualization.. what ever you want to call it... I am loving my mother and appreciating her even more.
I come from a different world. I was raised by a hippie, who knew more about health than anyone she knew.. and she was always criticized because it was different.... I was loved to the end of the universe and my mother trully believed that I was given to her to take care of and to build my own wings... we had bumps along the way.. because of course we are only human... but at the end of the day she encouraged me in everything she could.. and wanted to be nothing but myself.
As I got older I saw how she was treated... and I wanted to be accepted.. so I started to treat her similarily... but most of all, I started treating myself like that.. and the past 15 years have been the fall, and the rebirth of those beliefs, but this time from education, knowledge and experience.
I have experienced a life like no one I know. I do what I want. I always have.. and I have always believed it was going to work. I question myself... all the time.. but when I don't life has always just shown up for me... and I am scared to admit that because I am scared of the criticism... but that is the truth. When you trust the universe by trusting the voice inside you.. the voice that always knows best.... the universe provides.
I never thought I would be so happy when I am so sad... so thankful... full of love for life... when I can't bear the thought of seeing him again when he comes to get his things. I keep hoping that something will change in him and he will realize that my love is soul deep... that its the kind of love people dream of... the kind of love he wants... but he is so stubborn, so hell bent on believing what he does.. that he doesn't see the beauty of life staring at him... he has moments... but not the kind ofmoment that would require a complete shift in awareness.. a complete shift in love.
I have always felt that one of the things holding me back was my fear of losing people.. especially men.. it is something that keeps me a certain way, or changes me... I'm scared to be judged.. and not liked... and have felt very alone in my life, so I keep people... and I worry that if I say what I believe I won't be liked anymore.. I will be judged. to be honest... I don't want to be someone who believes in myths and legends.. and a man standing above us.. dictating our lives to us.... I believe in science... and the more I learn.. the more I realize that science is starting to explain what I know to be true.. what I have always known to be true.
We are GOD. Anything you know jesus said is true... its the interpretation that's all fucked up.. and it is not him who must be idolized its who he said we could be.... my favorite"forgive them, they know not what they do."
Its interesting.. I have noticed that so many people say that person is manipulating me... or he is intentionally being mean... but the truth is... most people have no idea.. they are so caught up in their own weird shit in their OWN head... that they think that they are protecting themselves.. or getting what they want... but power does not equal happiness.. and anyone who has tasted true freedom... the freedom to go anywhere and be anyone... that can't be bought. It's an inner quality.. anyone who has tasted true love... knows that can't be bought. Anyone who has experienced pride... knows that can't be bought... people seek happiness in all the wrong places... where we feel empty.. like there is a void in us... a sadness... and what I am realizing that that space that is missing is me. It's scary trying to find yourself.. and to be honest.. its organic.. there are no rules to discovering who you are.. or how to find yourself.. how to turn in... how to start loving yourself...
but I started with 2 things.
1. Everytime I catch myself saying something negative about myself I would say I love you...you are awesome.. or some relation to that... sometimes I would simply say ctrl alt delete, which is something someone told me they do.. man I wish I remembered who that was... at first it was difficult, because I believed the shit I told myself... because as far as I was concerned.. I was... you know what I am talking about.. that voice who when you do stupid shit like burn toast tells yourself that you are stupid and what the fuck.. etc. Or when you dissapoint someone and you think they will never love you again because you are such a fuck up... I will tell you though.. it took a long time to start catching myself. First it was just saying nice things to myself.. like you are beautiful.. I am beautiful.... my stomach would feel weird.. I felt uncomfortable... because I didn't believe it.. and I am honest to a fault.. so I felt like I was betraying myself... but the more and more I started saying nice things to myself.. the more and more I started believing it... at first I caught myself once every month, saying a shitty thing to myself.. then is was once every couple of weeks... I would forget again.. and then the net time I would remember I would praactice... over time the times started getting mroe frequently.. until I started catching myself saying shitty things to myself... actually WHILE I was saying something shitty to myself... and so in the process I was changing my dialogue with myself...
I think one of the hardest things for most people going through self discovery is the practical side of things.. its all great to learn about everything from an intelectual standpoint.. but how tdo you integrate that... for me the question is always "WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE". well that's what that step looks like... not pretty, annoying a struggle and I would forget all the time... the point though is to just do it when you remember.. and you aren't allowed to get mad at yourelf for not remembering.. because the whole tast is to stop berating yourself... I have had to learn to stop hating on myself so much and thinking that I am a complete fuck up... only then did things start to really change... I still ahve so far to go... but that was the beginning.
2.
The goal in life is to really be true to yourself.. and the only way to become true to yourself is by trusting yourself.. and the only way to trust yourself is to start listening to yourself.. and the only way to start listening to yourself is to stop being a bully to yourself... start being nice.. its not selfish.. its selfLESS.. because when you start listening to that inner voice.. the one that whispers to you through feeling... and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder and louder until finally you are so sick you have to sleep more.. whatever it is... whereever you feel it.. its there.. its intuition.
Intuition for me is the feeling that says that I know best... no one else. and if I listen.. everything will work out.. Now don't get me wrong I am not writing this to preach.. I freaking have no idea most of the time.. I am simply sharing my own experience in the hopes that it will help someone else feel like there is someone who understands...
It's 3:30am.. of course.. and I have to go to sleep because I am going to the gym tomorrow... but I felt that I really needed to write something down.. what I was thinking.
What I feel about J is... well there's a lot.. but for right now... that I am leaving at eactly the right time.. that everytime we got into a fight and I would yell about how he wasn't accepting me for me.. and if he was going to trully love me he had to let me be me... When he told me that he was scared that he was going to cheat on me if I didn't lose weight, that what I believed in was rediculous, that I was naive and didn't really understand the world.. that I had no sense of humour, that I wasn't feminine enough... that everytime he said anything mean to me or questioned who I was... I realized that he is simply saying EXACTLY what I tell myself. That he was an exact mirror of me and my EGO. And everytime I stood up to him.. I no longer had any more ecuses to think that of myself... because how the hell could I tell him he was being rediculous and not tell myself the exact same thing... I learned from every fight that I was better than that..
I had hope that through me standing up for myself and growing.. he too would grow.. but one thing I have realized very recently is that I must take care of my inner love.. my inner heart... and I must learn to honour myself.. honour that voice.
I noticed our last fight that I kept talking to him even though he was saying aweful things to me.. that I kept engaging.. which finally lead up to this week where he got mad again and said the two things that scared me the most... that he loved his ex more than me.. and that I was fat. and for the first time in my entire life I actually said ENOUGH.We were at a stop sign and in a split second I heard inside me... GET OUT.. you don't DESERVE THIS... get out get out get out.. this is your life.. you get to decide what happens.. I unbuckled my seat belt.. and instead of threatening or thinking.. I looked behind.. made sure I was safe and I knew I had just enough time to jump out of the car and get to the other side of the road.
I removed myself from the pain.
I sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes and when I realized that he wasn't coming back.. I walked.... in that time I talked to my friend and got coached on what was going on... a few things she said that have stuck with me is... look at where you are right now...feel it. you are walking home...and the man you love isn't coming to get you... you never want to feel like this again...
and 2. what ever happens you have to promise yourself you will not fight with him.
I called him 30 minutes later and he responded an hour later... and came and picked me up. When he picked me up he appologized for saying the things that would hurt me the most (something that we have been talking about and he is starting to be aware of.. but can't seem to change.) I said ok. in the calmest, unjudgemental way possible. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say and I cheerfully responded "no."
When we got home he asked if there was really was nothing I wanted to say.. and again I responded with a cheerful no.. and then as I grabbed a beer a book and decided to go sit on the back lawn.. I heard him under his breath say "this is your last chance"
I didn't react I just went and sat in the back yard. I figured Id take a few hours.. and we would talk.. but instead he packed the car and came over to me and said "I thought i loved you, but I have to leave" I said ok.
there is more to the story.. as he drove away and then came back. We talked for about 25 more minutes... in which time i remained unbelievably calm and composed and spoke my truth. that the only thing I ever asked for was to be respected... and that I cannot be with someone who doesn't respect me. He couldn't see it.... and left.
I haven't heard from him in 5 days... and although I have had moments of shear break down... I have had more moments of insight and my heart is so open to love.
I knew that one day I was going to have to face my fear of losing everything and follow my heart. That this very act was going to change me... because in the moment I cared more for myself than the car, the job, the house, the fun, the food, the dog...and all the love I had received from him.. in that moment I realized that I was enough....and that I deserved more.
I do not hate J.. because through every fucked up scenario I have become stronger, built my self esteem, and become more convicted in my beliefs... through this relationship I found myself... and through letting him go.. I found my strength... my love for myself.
I had been planning it.. but had been so scared because I couldn't figure out logistics... but it was when I didn't care about logisitics anymore.. and I listened to my heart in the moment that it was happening.. all I could hear was "don't resist.. go with the flow" and I let him go.
I do not know what will happen between us... all I know is that I had to go through this in order to believe myself more.. in order to believe in the universe more... and that whatever he needs in order to have his heart cracked open.. could clearly only happen if I had made that choice.
J is so close.. the life he has lived has created this beautiful man... I simply see that he, like I, is terrified of who he really is.. of his true dreams.. and that is what gets in the way of our love... I only hope one day J will realize the depth and magnitude of my love... and love himself... accept himself and his love and blossom into the beautiful man I know he is...
I am so unbelievably thankful, that J had the belief in being completely honest.... because his honesty opened me up.. even though it hurt... and that everything happens for a reason.
I am still struggling with logistics, and with all the other things I do against myself like smoking, drinking, eating meat, not dancing, not doing yoga.. etc. I am working on them one little bit at a time... but since listening to my heart... beauty hass just unfolded around me... my family and friends are supporting me like I have never experienced before... I am opening my heart to love.. and it is all around... the trick though is it is a process.. I always wanted to jump to the other end... but its the process.. and listening to your heart.
My convictions now are, when we finally do talk again... to not get mad.. to stay in this space that I felt today.. today there was a moment of pure clarity and I realized that I am awesome. Not in the vain narcissistic way.. but in the way of realizing that I have lived a life with no regrets. and I am still hopeful.. that I am one of the best people I know.. and i would want to be my friend... and that I deserve everything I ever dreamed of. (of course its going to take alot of hard work... and I still have a lot of growing up to do.. but in the end... I'll get it) So... I hope that I can somehow find it in myself to stay in that place when I see him again.. and not try to fix it or try to get him to see like I always do.. but rather .. remain calm... loving.. and tell him that he has a lot of growing up to do.. and I won't stay with someone who hurts me. EVER. I love him. I always will, and I believe in my heart that someday he will realize... but that I have to let him do that on his own... I can do nothing to fi him.. except to allow myself to accept that this relationship is over... for now.
peace. acceptance. I have realized I am the epitome of the tarot card "the fool" a fool goes on loving, even when people hurt them.. goes on loving and trusting... open to the world... to the universe and to others... and I finally realized what the expression fools don't suffer lightly means.... that even though us fools look naive... we do not suffer lightly.. we have been broken and have put the pieces back together.. and that is specifically WHY we are fools. Because we see the value in love... and it is our highest goal... we suffer.. but then we appreciate life so much more.
I am so thankful for llife... for the beauty of life and to watch it unfold in a brilliant manner. one step at a time.
I got tot go to sleep we are running tomorrow.
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