what people think - day 102

So basically today I feel ridden with anxiety.... just this pressure in my chest, its the same pressure you get when you are worried about an assignement or presentation, that you aren't good enough, its where the heaviness of life weighs on your chest.

I'm really restless today with no motivation.. and I am trying to find something to distract me, but I have no motivation to move to find that distraction... I have no TV shows I want to watch, no movies I want to watch... I don't want to get out of bed.. I'm just here, in bed... wishing that it would all just end.... just poof, I'd be gone and I don't have to go through this....

I can't even tell you how hard this is...

and all I can think of is how nice it would be to have someone to call right now to sleep with... just let all the energy in my body have an outlet in another human being... connection... intimate connection... its killing me to not have that right now.

This whole experience is crazy... wanting to have sex soo badly but having the conviction to never sleep with someone who doesn't care about me again is sooo hard.. I have been tempted, but I just can't sell out on myself... its insane... like I'm pulling myself in 2 different directions.... and its so difficult to face decisions you've made as a kid and make different ones... like not letting things progress to sex, just cause you are in a bed with an attractive drunk man... to say no is a whole new experience for me... to stop the progress....

basically I have recently been getting a lesson in letting things just run their natural course.... which is so far beyond my comfort zone..  I have this part of me that thinks that guys are retarded.. and so if I let them control the situation we'll never get any where.... but then I've realized that my problem is that I will always meet you half way... always... but I'm always the first one out of the starting gates... so I move my 50% and when you don't move yours I try and compensate so I'll move 70, 80, 90 till I'm at 100% and you don't have to do anything for the relationship and I feel completely ripped off.

So I'm trying to be self disciplined and letting people come to me.... but when they don't its such an awful feeling... I feel deserted like there's something wrong with me.... it's soooo difficult.

The moments I feel like someone doesn't like me, I immediately want to know why... why do they not like me.. what about me is bad... so I can fix it... I am basically trying to fix myself 100% of the day and its exhausting... the only time that I am not is when I'm drunk and dancing...

I care so much what people think about me that I've been noticing in big groups I just want to sit in the corner and talk to one or 2 people... because the anxiety gets so strong, its no longer 1 or 2 people judging you.. its 10 or 20.... its unbelievably frustrating.

Last week I ended up recounting what my childhood was like in terms of friends, to one of my friends... you know after a while it becomes just a story you tell people, with no emotional attachment.. well this time I actually was remembering the feeling... how it felt to be me as a child... and it was sooo awful.

I HATED recess... with a passion, I would do what ever I could to not have to go out for recess.. I never had friends.. and I used to get tormented on the school yard.. in grade 3 I got beat up... its really crazy to actually think that that happened to me... kids were vicious to me... well atleast that's what I remember.. and I was really smart too, so I used to get teased for that.. I was poor so I got teased for that.. my mom would make me tuna sandwiches and soup and I'd get teased for that... I was always bigger than the other kids so I got teased for that... then I just got teased cause kids had nothing else to do with their time.. I HATED school, other than the learning.. I loved the learning...

anyways, without getting into too much detail... I never had a close friend until grade 9 and then she ditched me... I thought I had a close friend in this guy that I had a crush on for all of high school, but i found out in OAC that he had lied to people in grade 10 and 11 about us even being friends... so.. truthfully it hasn't been until the past couple of years that I actually felt secure in any relationship in my life...

yup... that's basically it... as far as I'm concerned.. there is something terribly wrong with me... and all I have ever wanted to be is cool... so I don't stick out so much, so that people won't just desert me cause I'm not cool... that's always been my goal.. to be one of the cool kids... oddly enough no matter what I've done... I have NEVER been that cool kid.... and most likely because I am soooo concerned with being odd and weird, and having people judge me... I am rarely just myself.

I don't embrace my own uniqueness, and love that I am different.. I don't want to be different.

I can't even really articulate what its like to worry all the time about what people think about you... strangers on the street even.. its so crazy. I'm starting to be aware of how rediculous it is... not only to think people are judging me... but that it even matters... but there it is.. every day... this tormenting in my head, and I am trying to change... I am trying to fix myself so that it'll go away...

But now intellectually I am identifying that I can't fix myself... there are things that will evolve.. but that who I am is fundamentally perfectly flawed... even though I am starting to recognize that... I am still bombarded with these thoughts... feelings, anxieties...

and lets be honest.. when my go-to escape from these feelings was always sex... not having it is allowing the pressure to build.. forcing me to feel this pain.. and its SOOOO UNCOMFORTABLE... I mean... I would do anything to not feel this feeling in my body right now... its stuck there, like a piece of me.

When i breathe into the pressure it dissipates for the duration of my breath.. and then its there again.

stupid feelings of inadequacy!

I know that its completely illogical.. but here I am, obsessed.. and it stops me in my life it stops me from having fun.. it stops me in so many things... because of that feeling I'm sure I judge other people because I constatnly feel judged. its  a defense.. I totally am self defeating, I'll make jokes about myself.. just to beat other people there so it doesn't hurt as much... its all so rediculous... and knowing that its rediculous doesn't change the fact that here I am... still doing it... I just want to NOT CARE about what people think of me... or atleast be able to take it for what it is.... oh stupid balance.


On another note... or the same, depending on how you look at it... I went on a date last night with this really nice guy... quite sweet... I could see us getting to know eachother better... but where I fall short in thinking that the relationship could go any further is the fact that he doesn't yet believe what I believe in. 5 years and I have only met 2 men that I was attracted to that believed in what I believe in... I can't even tell you how frustrating that is...

I have recently come up with my own hypothesis about the evolution of belief structure... because for some reason I feel that what I believe in is the next step to most people's belief evolution.. and its not that I think what I believe is necessarily better.. its just I guess the truth... and even though that's hard for me to admit... that's what I think... because I find it wrong that religions push their beliefs on people and say... mine is better than yours.. mine is right, yours is wrong..

I guess I just don't want to be part of that mentality.. but I guess I will take a moment to explain why I think what I believe in is right.... because it embraces all the great things about all the religions around the world, love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light, oneness... and lets all the crappy stuff go, all the stuff about guilt, and fear, and eternal damnation... what I believe in is the light.

So because of this, my hypothesis is this about the evolution of western beliefs.

Most of us are raised in some sort of religion, Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Muslim.... what I know about each religion is besides that these religions all have love, acceptance, beauty, divinity, compassion, connection, eternity, light and oneness at their core... they have been bombarded and limited through rules, power structures, fear, sin, by a method of mysticism... ironically, most of it is ridiculous  mysticism... and we are mesmerized, because we connect with something about the religion.. because of course at its foundation is the truth... but in order to get to the truth we are lied to... and told that its limited, and that we have to do all these things to get to it...

We are told that we are constantly judged by this man in the sky... and especially as children we believe in this so much it terrifies us... and for some this fear never ceases. but for some, the veil starts to drop and we start questioning this belief structure.. like something doesn't fit... this can't be all of it.. that some people have a monopoly on love and acceptance.. on god.

For me I don't think I ever believed in God in the regular terms of God, I remember as a very young child believing in what i believe now... and not exactly being sure where that belief came from... but the monopoly made no sense, the judgement by the devine, the rules, and eternal hell made no sense, and so from a very young age I felt different with no arsenal to defend what I believed in.... but back to my hypothesis.. when people start questioning the beliefs that have been enstilled in them from their childhood a great sense of feeling ripped off, being duped, being lied to becomes sooo strong and many of us then become what is termed athiest... when our intellect gets ahead of our intution all that belongs to religion seems rediculous... and the man at the top.. in the sky seems so retarded we tend to disrgard all the other great parts of religion.. because if the basis for the religion... god, ala, etc couldn't possibly exist....

So then there must be nothing.

I feel that many athiests tend to be as passionate about their non-beliefs and those that believe.. and many go out of their way to fight for what they believe in, because, I believe it comes from a  place of wanting to wake other people up to the rediculousness of religion.... and many people get stuck here...

and then there's the agnostic path... sometimes this comes before atheism and again after... but always after. Where in life things happen... things we can't explain, we start having moments where our intution saves us, we meet people that we feel we know... we know that something bad is going to happen before it does... what ever it is.. there are moments in our life that make us question whether there really is NOTHING... and we start feeling like there must be SOMETHING.. we just don't know what that is...

this transition is incredibly difficult.... because believing in NOTHING is easier than believing in SOMETHING... because if you believe in something.. most of us need evidence.. we need hard evidence.. I believe this is because we are so terrified of getting duped again.. which many people do on this side of the journey.. by other people that are manipulators, like those at the top of religions... there are people that will use our innate connection with the devine to make money, without knowing the truth... and so we are all very wary of getting lied to again.. and so how does one sift through all the lies.. to find the truth?

I have gotten in the habit of just trying on what people say... just sitting with it for a moment and asking myself if it resonates with me.. does it make sense on a fundamental level for me... and if it does I take it with me on my journey.. and if it doesn't I discard it... somethings I have discarded originally and as my understanding expands there's a new foundation to embrace explanations once thought rediculous in my own head...

But regardless of the beliefs you establish in your own life... its a constant struggle between questioning whether you are being duped again.. and right now, the fact that most people still don't agree with what I believe in I tend to feel crazy.... weird, and potentially wrong.

There are very few people that I have met that are at the same space in their evolution that I am.... where they are establishing their own belief structure and are constantly in a space of introspection, trying to get to the bottom of themselves, and life in general...

ITs VERY LONELY.

 So... why do I believe that I am right? Because I don't need you to agree, I don't need you to believe in what I believe in for me to have the key to heaven... I know in my heart.. that one day you will get there.. but completely on your own terms, in your own way, with your own experiences... because the truth can only lie inside.... no one can tell you the truth. There can only be people that help along the way.

So, yes loneliness.. in all my life I have met very few people that believe in what I believe in.. and most of them are older.... and men? I have only met 3 men my age that believe in what I believe in.... its so important to find a partner that I can share how difficult this journey is without being judged or assessed or thought of as crazy... so I remain single.... trying desperately to find someone to connect with... and sometimes I convince myself that I can let it go and be with someone who doesn't agree.. but I know in my heart I can't.. because its the most difficult thing in my life... and not having someone to share that experience with... its like not having someone at all... its sanitizing what I believe in... just to have a body next to me...

the balance between believing in what I believe in and not wanting to be different is sooo difficult... i just want to hide... dig a whole in the sand and go to sleep for ever.

i wish this were easier.

Balance

So one thing that's starting to come into my consciousness is balance. the true definition of balance... and a word I heard today discernment.... I find that when analyzing myself when I find something about myself that I don't like I label it as a "flaw" I put a sticker on it and tell myself that its bad and that I have to stop behaving like that... then something will happen that will cause me to act that way, and I say to myself that it works, so I don't want to change.... what I am realizing is that this is the fundamental to balance.... really getting there must exist every reaction, every feeling inside in order to have balance.

In order to have balance you must live in the physical world, and the spiritual world, neglecting either makes you less than whole.

So we should all want to be everything. For me the ways of being that make me uncomfortable are things like liar, cunning, deceitful, angry, mean..etc. But the truth is, knowing when to be this way, knowing where the balance is, not staying too far to one way... will help life along.

Balance.

I find it really hard to change my behaviour because some of the things that I want to change are actions that embody who I am proud to be.. but I have never been able to discern when and when not to embody those characteristics. For example... caring. I never not care... I always care... mostly to my own detriment. I ALWAYS CARE.. and it is exhausting, and mind fucking... because honestly.. caring about little fucking thing that happens in your life is a full time job.. its rediculous.. but up until now I've thought that not caring about 1 thing meant I didn't care about anything.. and I never wanted to be considered a non-caring person... so... its the balance that I need to find.... I need to learn how to discern when to care and when not to care.

When to worry when not to worry
When to cry and when not to cry
When to laugh and when not to laugh
When to speak up and when to not speak up.
When to tell the truth and when not to tell the truth
When to speak and when to not
When to care and when not to care
When to appreciate and when not to appreciate
When to praise and when not to praise
When to read and when not to read
When to clean and when not to clean
When to eat and when not to eat
When to drink and when not to drink
When to exercise and when not to exercise
When to fight and when not to fight
When to sleep and when not to sleep
When to cook and when not to cook
When to wake up and when not to wake up
When to be social and then not to be social
When to be quiet and when not to be quiet
When to listen and when not to listen
When to play and when not to play

Its knowing the balance between all the "to" verbs, while BEING compassionate, LOVING, BEING aware. Its the balance.... not stopping being someway... stopping being that way at the appropriate times.

VULNERABLE. now that is a word that spooks a lot of people. I think that I have a weird association with the word vulnerable, because I was raised thinking it was a really good trait, while most people, I believe were raised to think that it was a really really bad trait... and "that's how you get hurt" as a result there's me who is always vulnerable... putting myself out there ALL THE TIME... and then you have all those other people who, no matter what you do, will NEVER be vulnerable.. its like the freaking plague... no way in FUCK, they will ever let you and your potential for them to hurt you in.

So here... we have to meet both ways... I need to learn when to be vulnerable and when not to, and protect myself, and those of you that are never vulnerable need to learn there is always a time and place where you can be.... and that's why love exists... allowing you to be that way.. you just need to know who to do it with... and that's the part about growing up... learning who to trust and who not to.... not just trusting everyone... or trusting no one.


Its the balance.... that we all need to find.. I think mine is just a little skewed the opposite way than most people...

So... Balance.

You know what's interesting... I've heard balance is the key to life in so many books, by so many people, but it wasn't until tonight that I really got what that meant to be balanced.... in every reaction, action, feeling, moment... to be balanced in life.... and that is probably one of the main reasons for alot of my struggles... because I'm too far one way.

BALANCE.

Another thing I heard today was that self discipline is one of the most blissful experiences in life. I have never thought about self discipline as being a positive emotional experience... I have always associated self discipline with doing something you don't want to do, and so am very lacking in this element..... I have never thought that self discipline will make me happier, will be soothing, and caring, and kind.... not to mention blissful... so now, maybe having  a different relationship to being self disciplined... hopefully the idea that self discipline will bring bliss, will encourage me to pursue things in my life that teach me that... but again, I need to remind myself of the balance.. and still keeping room for freedom, and spontaneity

Finally my friend and I were speaking tonight and he said... "you know when you just ruin something by speaking about it? When its better just experiencing it?.. that what talking about love is like.... you just ruin it by analyzing it, and trying to explain it.... you can't, you ruin it with words".

I have ever been told this, and if I have I have aptly ignored it. I have never allowed myself to believe that speaking could ruin something.... This profoundly affected me.

I want to know how other people are feeling all the time... I'm curious about other people's motivations and their thoughts, and their interpretations.. I am constantly comparing myself with other people and trying to figure out whats normal, and what's not... how I am different, and how I can be the same... I try to explain my feelings.... and get advice and figure out what to do next.... I never just experience it... and not talk about it.... so.. I guess... unfortunately, I have to admit I have a tendency to ruin things with words. :(

It never even occured to me that this was possible.... but alas, I found out today it is.... and hopefully that will inspire me to better recognize when to talk about things, and when to not....

Ah the balance. I think the key to the balance is not changing what you do, but be inspired by doing it differently, and experimenting to find when one way works, and when doing the opposite works better.... and the more you experiment, the more you know when to behave one way and when to behave another... but this time, unlike being a child, they are not decisions to NEVER be a certain way, but rather to CHOOSE when and where and with whom to be that way.

fucking balance :P






you kill the experience with words.

Who I want to be

Obviously the past couple of weeks have had their share of experience, and realizations, but tonight I want to write down who I want to be. I've written lists of the man I want, goals, bucket lists, shopping or to do lists... but never have I written down who I want to be, what traits I admire in other people that I want to embody... and I am hoping in doing this I will start being able to look at it and have new goals in my life, and have something to compare my growth against... because right now, it seems as though I have alot in my head, but no practical way of getting there. So here goes

I want to be fit.
To be really healthy, with a body that I am proud of.
a yoga frequenter. I want to be happy
to be the kind of person that goes for a walk every morning and every night.. even if its short, just to enjoy being outside, and appreciate that time.

I want to know how to eat properly, always making meals fun and exciting for my family, but healthy and delicious.

i want to be smoke free, and besides the occasional glass of wine, alcohol free.

I want to be a camper, and know everything I need to bring, and have in order to camp.
I want to know the stars, so I can teach my kids.
I want to be able to play the guitar and the piano so I can make music with my kids. I want to be clean, I want my house to always be tidy and presentable. I want to have a wake up routine, and a going to sleep routine, to find the things that make me feel really good when I wake up, and really good before going to sleep.

I want to take photographs every where I go.
I want to be confident and proud of who I am.

I want to have confidence in myself and the choices I make,and not need to have to get everyone else' opinions when making a decision.

I want to be a volunteer, and have something where I am giving for no other reason than to give.

I want to have hobbies and have things to do that are fun... really fun.

I want to be organized and on top of things, financially. I want to write... plan things and keep track of things.

I want to moisturize every day.
I want to send thank-you notes.

I want to be confident
I want to have money to do the things I love.

I want to read before bed.
I want to know music better, and be aware of the music scene

I want to sit and read the Newspaper on Saturday mornings with a cup of tea in the kitchen.
I want to have routine, but be able to be spontaneous.
I want to be independent.

I want to put my clothes away when they are washed. I want to do the laundry more frequently.

I want to not run out of things and have the forsight to buy items before they run out.

I want to meditate frequently.

That's what I have right now. We'll see how it goes... first thing I'm feeling is coming up with an evening and morning routine, and going from there.