following your heart and growing up.

So where to start,
I am sitting in my hostel room in Malaysia right now.. and how I got here, I have NO idea... well actually I do, but its so crazy..

Ultimately at the end of the day I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are all exactly where we should be... even on the days where one doesn't necessarily feel that way.

I finished my year in Korea in the most interesting way... I was confronted with a situation where I could either trust myself and potentially ruin a friendship or I could ignore my instincts and convince myself that I was crazy....something that I have had a lot of experience with over the years... in the end I decided... with a lot of help and support from a few friends that I needed to trust myself and realize that I have to start treating myself like my own best friend.. something that I have not done, my whole life.

It was a very interesting end to the year, but in the end I felt like the Universe was testing me to see how much I had grown over the year and whether I was going to walk away having gained insight into myself and grown, or I would revert back into my old way of being.

In the end I decided to trust myself... and it felt sooo good to trust myself. Unfortunately it could be the potential of the end of a friendship, but then it was the start of me starting to honour myself... I think that my whole life the whole "do unto others as you would do unto yourself" was so powerful for me, that I missed the point that you have to honour yourself in the start... so I would always excuse people's behaviour, forgive, apologize, fix, treat people the way I WANTED to be treated but at the end of the day I wasn't treating MYSELF with honour... hence all the bull shit with guys... my ex, my family etc.

Its been a long life of constantly selling myself short, and treating myself worse than how I would treat anyone else.

I think I have always had this fear of not being liked, of losing people and so I let people walk all over me... in the name of trying to show them that they can't do any wrong in my eyes.. but just like everyone else we all make mistakes and I am realizing that NO it is not up to me to judge, but that i don't have to like everyone and I don't have to subject myself to negativity all the time.

It was hard for me to make the decision I did to confront this person.. stick to my guns and tell them that what they did was not what friends do, and that I didn't care what her excuses were... this was simply how I felt and she knew that and pursued with her behaviour despite me warning her that it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.... since the event it turns out that I was completely right and although I have moved past it, and its basically a non issue now, it was a true test of the growth that I have experienced over the past year.

So I left Korea... headed for my dream trip.. only to get to Bangkok and 6 hours later find myself in the emergency room of the hospital. I thought I had had a kidney infection... but after various tests they found a cyst on my ovary and I was admitted for emergency surgery... when I tell people the story they say "you must have been so scared" its funny, I wasn't I was just trying to figure out what it all meant... why it had happened and why I was where I was.

Laying in my hospital bed the day after reflecting on what happened I felt like it had to be bigger that just surgery that there was something to all this, and since I've been on a path of more self discovery and trying to get more in tune with my heart and what I need to do next in my life.

In surgery they found that the cyst had contorted around my ovary and had hemorrhaged, in order to protect my further health they removed the cyst and 80% of the ovary...

I joke that I came to Thailand and thought i would get a new tattoo and now I have 4:P

Its amazing though what happened in the course of events... If I had gone home I wouldn't have had medical coverage, nor would I probably have been taken care of so quickly, I would have been in the emerge room thinking that i just had a pain in my back and I would have kept being bumped for more emergencies... and the doctors say that had I left it that much longer it could have become gangrenous and then who knows...

So deciding to come to Thailand meant that I had medical coverage... an also very interesting story.. cause bought insurance last year and because it was 100$ more for the year as opposed to the weekend I bought it for the year and then just before I left Korea I had this intense feeling like I REALLY needed to write down all my insurance info... trusting myself.. there it is again.

The fact that I was in no pain on the plane to Thailand meant that I left Korea complete... happy and relaxed... and the fact that it happened when it did meant that I wasn't in Laos where there is little to no medical coverage... ANGELS were watching out for me....

The whole experience still feels surreal... like there I was... and now I am here... waking up in the recovery room from anesthetics was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced... waking up with the air tube down my throat was so scary.. not being able to breath trying to hit people to tell them that I couldn't breathe... my throat was soo dry that after they pulled the tube out I was choking and thought I was going to die... That was the terrifying thing.. wanting to be alive and feeling like I wasn't going to be able to breathe...

I spent the next day very drugged out talking to various family members and friends on the phone and not making any sense.. but a thunderstorm came across the city and livened me up...

Through the whole experience i experienced how blessed I am in my life... and realized that I had convinced myself that I had no one, no reason to go back to Canada, no attachment because my mother had died... and now I feel like i do REALLY have a place, have family and friends that love and support me...

I've realized that I was running away from something.. that I have been running from something my whole life... trying to make the feeling of not being wanted go away.. I sleep with guys, party, spend as much time with large groups of people, and travel all in trying to convince myself that I am not alone...

But in the end this experience really taught me that I was never alone.. that I have always had so much love in my life, but I've been denying it.

In recovery over the next week I went through a lot of awareness about why it happened to me and what it all meant. One thing that I feel very strongly about is that most sicknesses are manifested through emotional turmoil, and the fact that this issue had to deal with my reproductive organs made me start looking at how I've treated myself all these years in regards to men... and through conversations with a few friends I realized a few considerable things about myself.

I always go for men that I KNOW in my heart aren't going to be there for ever.. they tend to be either one night stands or people that I feel need my support... I know a lot of girls do this... and sometimes it works... but that I find people that are not REALLY available cause its safe... No MAN has EVER stuck by me... and so deep down inside I have convinced myself that there are no good men... and I've also been punishing myself for not being good enough to keep men around.. and its all rooted in the fact that my biological father left...

you know its very interesting cause its something I have never really put much thought into.. I know that it must affect me, but I haven't given it a lot of weight, but at the end of the day, I think a child's relationship to their parents is a very important one and establishes one's relationships with both sexes... and so I've been replaying my mother's life over and over again cause I know no better...

So after this event happened in Korea and I stood up for myself in regards to my treatment of a guy and a friend, I think my body was willing to say... ok we think you are ready to purge this bullshit.And so I ended up in the hospital having it removed.. and regaining my womanhood, and more strength.

I'm not saying that I am all cured about my tendencies with men but I am much more aware of it, and am on the road....

So after being in the hospital I went to stay at a hostel and the second night I was there there was this huge crash and I got out of bed to find that the entire ceiling in my bathroom had fallen to the floor... EVERYTHING. light fixtures, metal, tiles.. and I had this intense.. "get the fuck out" come over me... the riots were going on in Bangkok at the time and although I didn't really hear or experience much it was in tandem with this event so I felt this intense need to go back to Canada.

I have travelled extensively and at the end of the day I have NEVER wanted to go home so badly... giving up my dream trip.. it didn't make any sense to me... but that's what I was being guided to do.. that's that my heart said to do.. and my heart has never let me down so far...

So I headed to the airport.. on my way there we saw burnt out buses and the remnants of the riots from the night before... it was so weird because we really didn't experience it at all.. so I got to the airport and told the universe (that is what ever you believe in) that if I was REALLY supposed to go home.. that it would be easy to go home... well needless to say it wasn't it was going to be 4000$ and like a 40 hour journey...

In the end I ended up at the Natural Healing Center that I had been to earlier on in the week to get a Reiki treatment.. there I felt safe.. with people that were in parallel with who I am under all the facade, people who believe in guides and angels and intuition and all the things that I am growing to believe in.. the things that my mother believed in but I have pushed away for years and years...

talking to the owner.. he said well you can stay here for as long as you want until you sort things out... I then asked myself what I should do... and like Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Eat Pray love while laying on the bathroom floor crying.. I got this intense.. GO TO SLEEP A.. So I went upstairs and slept. When I woke up I decided to stay and learn Reiki like I had planned...

Over the next two weeks I did the Reiki course and then a meditation course and was just with myself. I didn't drink, I slept early and woke up relatively early and read a lot. I was introduced to these books by Lobsang Rampa and through them a lot of clarity came up for me around feelings I have had my whole life... it was really empowering and relaxing.

At the end of the two weeks an old friend from high school just happened to be in Bangkok and we spent an afternoon together reminiscing and laughing... he reminded me that he was in the car when I hit my best friends car when I was 16 and they had to lie to her father that it was some random person in the parking lot.. I was SOOOO embarrassed... imagine a 1982 New Yorker trying to do a U turn next to a car.. basically I misjudged the circumference of my circle and hit her side panel.. ah the crazy shit that you do when you are young..

anyways.. it was really nice to see a familiar face.

So then I met up with the boat.. I was so excited.. finally getting to go on vacation...

man I wish I wrote more often cause they are all very funny/interesting stories but to write them all in one go I'm trying to not keep you here forever! or myself for that matter..

anyways the owner of the boat was.. well let's just say we didn't get along.. the first night that I was there he asked me if I gave good massages.. before I realized WHAT he was REALLY asking me I said yes...
and then he asked if I could give him one... hesitatingly I said I think the Thai girls probably give much better massages.. HINT HINT.. then he said well I even have baby oil! AHHHHH are you kidding me? I had no idea what to do... I should have just gotten off the boat that day.. but I'm still not very good at these situations... anyways, he then asked if I would like to sit on him.. THIS IS NOT going on!... I said actually why don't you sit here.. he said you mean lay down and I said.. NO SIT!!! so he sat, I rubbed his shoulders for about 5 minutes then tapped his back and said "all done" even writing this right now gives me the creeps.. I can't believe I did that!

Anyways we spent the next three days sort of establishing our boundaries.. i think because of what had happened I was WAYYY more on guard.. and so I was a lot more harsh to him.. but he treated me basically like an idiot.. he never explained anything fully and then would get mad at me not understanding...

The day before i left I met these really amazing people.. a couple that had had a crazy story of getting to Bangkok and being arrested... long story short they had lived here 3 years ago and their house burnt down. according to the investigator turned out that there was faulty wiring with the air con unit.. well they were back on vacation and being arrested for grand arson and fleeing the country.. it was a crazy tale that ended in them having to pay close to 50, 000$ to stay out of prison for the next 18 years and having their records cleared... they were an amazing couple and I really enjoyed hanging out with them.. so I asked the owner of the boat if I could stay and meet up with him later..

his response turned into a power trip and I could see it from a mile away.. trying to control me, and dominate me... he basically threatened that there was sooo much work that still had to be done on the boat and that if I didn't help out with it then the next day while he was on land I would be doing the work.. after arguing with him for 10 minutes I gave up the battle... turns out the work I had to do when getting back to the boat was cooking him dinner...

We left the next morning for Phi Phi Island... On the trip across I was really feeling like i didn't want to be there... stupid things, like making me cook lunch for him and this woman that came with us.. making me pull up the anchor without gloves so my hands got ripped to shit... making me steer for 2 hours when there was auto steering.. just really sly things..

then we arrived on Phi Phi island... one of the most beautiful places I have EVER been in my whole life.

The first night The owner and I got into a little fight as he was very condescending and in the end told me that i really should get over my mother's death.. that I wasn't living in the real world and that I have a lot of potential but need to grow up and let go of my baggage, shall I mention that I had simply mentioned my mother in passing.. let's just say I don't really talk about my mother to a lot of people... and he was certainly NOT a person that I thought would be someone I should talk to about the whole experience...

anyways I walked away and then came back and told him that I wanted off the boat.. that I would get my stuff the next day and that would be it.

He then informed me that we had checked out of Thailand and we were not OFFICIALLY still in the country... I suppose it wasn't all that bad or I would have found a way out of it.. but I decided to stay to get to Malaysia and then we would part ways..

I ended up getting a room on Phi Phi and spent the week partying,. meeting great people... and I learned how to scuba dive.. something I have always wanted to do..

I was in great fear at first to not be able to breathe under water, but once i got over it it was amazing.. for the first time in my life I was experiencing being completely conscious of my breathing and just my surroundings without being able to talk.. I think that was the hardest thing for me.. I am a talker and I ask a lot of questions and in the water I couldn't ask any questions... it was scary.. but really good for me.. and the most amazing thing is on our first dive I got to swim with a hawksbill turtle.. and there was a guy with a video camera so I have footage of me swimming next to this turtle.. it was AMAZING and peace that I have never experienced.

we ended up seeing 6 sharks on our two dives and an eagle ray soaring above us..its a place that is very special, under the water...

I ended up getting my PADI open water certification... and spending 3 days waking up at dawn, and not being able to party and regrounding myself.

The last night I spent with some great people I met for the full moon party, drinking sitting with a very nice boy and watching lightening across the water.....

The next day we set sail for Langkawi, Malaysia and freedom!

The first night was spent on Ko Rok, a small island about a 7 hour sail from Phi Phi. I went snorkeling in the most crystal blue water you have ever seen. It was like floating over little villages, these huge mushrooms of coral covered in all sorts of colours and life...

although it was beautiful I started getting a little nervous about what may be under these beautiful formations.. in the dark... what could potentially come and EAT me:P

I decided to stay relatively close to the boat... at one point I saw this blowfish the length of my arm and it was just staring at me.. and made me feel pretty uncomfortable where I felt like it was getting too close to me... then I started thinking about sharks.. and getting really nervous.. then out of the corner of my eye... there it was... AHHH maybe 20 meters from me this shark sped past... I was sooo freaking scared that I took off my mask and kept my head out of water..

swimming frantically back to the boat.. I knew that they wouldn't hurt me, but my terror was getting the best of me and I convinced myself that this shark was stalking me in the water and i was going to be bait... I kept telling myself to swim slow, sharks can smell fear, tapping into EVERY ounce of training I have had about surrounding myself with white light, being calm.. etc I swam back to shore... not wanting to know where it was, convinced it was going to eat me:P

I got back on the boat, shaking... the song that I have as the title of this blog came into my head.. there's a line where he said "do one thing every day that scares you" well let me tell you.. I was scared SHITLESS.... shaking, I sat on the boat and felt the adrenaline pumping through my body, feeling very alive and very scared. but alive.

The three days on the boat were reasonable I just kept my mouth shut telling myself that it was all going to be over soon and so just hold my tongue and make it easier for both of us.

I spent those days trying to figure out what to do next... what all this meant, why it had all ended the way it did. Everyday I would wake up and think Go home.. everynight i would go to sleep feeling the same way... something that has been incredibly strong for me was that I should find my biological father.

He's someone that I think about from time to time, but I've really denied the effect not having him in my life has had on me... and lately I've been feeling like its probably one of the single most biggest events that has shaped who I am and why I behave the way I do around guys... So even though I am in paradise something I am coming to terms with was this trip was really a space for me to grow and become whole and complete and move forward in my life and no matter how beautiful the scenery or where I go and what I do, what I am REALLY LOOKING FOR isn't here... its back home in Canada.. I am looking for a place, for answers... to know where it all began. and I feel like in order to move forward in my life I need to close this chapter in my life..and nevre before have I had the money, the time or the capacity to want to find him.. and now I do, and although it scares the shit out of me... the rejection that I could possibly face, the dissapointment.... Its one of the only WHAT IF's I have in my life and I need to find closure around it...

The last night on the boat and in Thailand I ended up talking to that boy I had mentioned months ago... it had been about 4 months since I last talked to him and I had been recently fantasizing about going home and being able to see him, be with him... having something... going camping up in northern Ontario... while talking to him that fantasy quickly dispersed. He broke his back in the spring and in the time since we last talked he has gotten a lot worse emotionally.. its so difficult for me to see someone I love in so much pain and sadness... But one thing I am learning in life you can't help people that don't want it.. and how you can be there for people is not necessarly the way you want to.. but you have to respect what people need especially if you REALLY love them. So, even though it pains me, I know that I can't have all that negativity in my life and he also made it very clear that he is SOOO far away from being to have a relationship... something I admire in him because I am not able to identify that in myself...

its difficult... but I am coming to terms with the idea that he is not right for me.. and that we will only be friends.. and although its difficult to let go of a fatasy I have had for years... a childhood fantasy it frees me up. Love him from afar...

One thing I realized that its been relatively easy being on the other side of the world during us getting to know eachother cause we CAN't see eachother... but if I go home and he doesn't WANT to see me.. it changes things.. there are no more excuses other than I don't want to be with you...

So I am heading home... to what I am not sure... but I feel in my heart its the right thing to do... today I sort of thought it would be interesting to drive across Canada over the summer using Couch surfers and meeting people from across our beautiful country, findng my way to Vancouver Island and then finally finding Patrick.

Something I also thought about was that I could potentially write a book on my adventures across Canada, the events, the characters I meet and the experience I have trying to find my father.

I think I will keep it here...

you know its diffficult for me, I want to share this blog with people that are closest to me, and I feel like i Would have to delete all the crazy stories about guys.. but everytime i come close to doing it I feel like it wouldn't be complete without those stories without the evidence that I have evolved as a person.. to delete those stories would be to delete that part of my life..that undeniable struggle.. its the experience of what got me to this place in my life.. and although its difficult to observe I am still struggling, and its real. Its my LIFE.

Something I failed to mention earlier is that on Phi Phi I had this realization.. that I always go for guys that are really attractive.. they tend to be relatively unatainable guys... most of the time.. and that for the most part I am really shallow, that I expect guys to not be shallow, but I am in fact incredibly shallow.. my standards are really low, and they tend to become a conquering to see if I can get them.. which I usually can, so in so doing I prove to myself that they are all shallow and aren't going to stick around.. and that I fulfill this insecure part of me that wants to make sure the hot ones find me attractive.. its really rediculous... anyways.. I realize I NEVER go for the nice guys. NICE guys Do like me, but I miss them, I ignore them... and in the end.. that's what I REALLY want... a niceguy... someone who is like me.. plain and lovely.

Its really interesting the thought of people that have been reading my blog over the ast few years and what you must think of me and my evolution as a person. The struggles I share, the experiences I have with guys... when I go missing for months.. and then come back with some random tale..

I wonder how it occurs for you.. how I occur for you.. but I was talking to someone last week and in sharing part of my story they said we all go through that in our twenties... we all struggle with our identity what to do, what's next... welcome to your twenties, this is what its like.. and so at the end of the day I hope that someone sees themselves in what I write and in their similar experience as a human being.

thanks for listening.
I'll try to post more frequently from now on.
A. yes that's my name. the REAL me.