So, My year is coming to a close.. and what a year it has been. You know how people talk about going off and finding yourself... well I've always thought this was silly cause how can you find yourself? You are yourself?? I think what this ultimately means is giving you the time to explore your inner self, where perhaps in another place, home, where everyone has a fixed idea of who you are is much more difficult.
So I have found myself... as much as one can in a year of self discovery. Korea offered me the space to be on my own and diiscover the things that make me happy, encourage growth and I think being on my own has brought me to a place where I can hear what my heart is saying more clearly..
So as the year draws to a close I was trying to figure out what to do next... I've been through many ups and downs about what to ultimately decide. Usually my decisions consist of, what do I want to do? then.. what's the practical thing to do... back and forth...
Ultimately the clarity about what to do next happened while i was in Malaysia. I found a little advertisement looking for crew for a sail boat... I have always wanted to learn how to sail and so when I got here I was looking into the possibility of crewing for a tall ship, but all the information I found either cost an exorbitant amount of money or wasn't really what I was looking for... and then this popped up. I hadn't ever thought about working on a sail ship... to be honest I think it was the lack of people that caused me to shy away from this idea. I've always been drawn to big crowds, a lot of people.. and well let's be honest... the possibility of men:P
But if this year has taught me anything, its that I rather enjoy small groups of people, being on my own, silence.. and I am NOT looking for men anymore... in fact most of the time I would rather not even have the temptation:P
So, the idea of sailing on a small sailing vessle seemed ideal. Just the kind of thing that I was looking for.
After sending an email to the listed address, I was sent a response saying that they were no longer in need of crew but they knew someone who was. A couple of e-mails later... I find myself planning a trip to Thailand to meet up with a ex airforce captain and his 44' sloop, and I don't think I could be happier.
I can't explain what it feels like to know that I will be doing an end...something that I've always wanted to do... a secret dream of mine. It's not to get anywhere, but just ot enjoy...
Now inside of making the decision to do this I was trying to figure out what to do next... after this trip, and was seriously thinking about coming back here... extending my contract and replacing the other teacher at my school , I flip flopped back and forth.. then one day I woke up and asked myself.. if you had all the money in the world... what does your heart say? and it said... NO NO NO NO PLease don't make me come back!
I thought about it for a few weeks, and at the end of the day I decided that I never want to be planning to go anywhere feeling miserable about it.. and if for no other reason than taht, I couldn't come back.. well atleast not guarantee coming back to someone. I knew if I did I would spend the next 4 months not living in the moment but in the future of Korea and wouldn't enjoy myself as much. In addition I also saw that I wasn't trusting the universe to provide, that I was saying... I don't know what will happen so I mine as well be safe... but when is safe really fun??
So I am taking a leap of faith, and letting things be exactly how they are supposed to be... enjoying my life and letting it dance through me.
So in 5 weeks I am heading to Laos for a couple of weeks where I will celebrate the buddhist New Year... and then by mid April meet up with the boat.. and see where life takes me.
I'm really finding a sense of peace within myself, in my day to day existance and its wonderful. Having faith in that everything should be how it is... is so freeing.
So I'm jumping again... with no safety net... but this time it feels a little easier...
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