coming into being...

I came on here because I wanted to write what was going on for me, and then I read my last post, and remembered what it was about, and am moved at my own growth and am left wondering what I wanted to write in the first place.

So much has happened in the past few weeks... I am making peace with so many parts of my life.. and making peace with myself... with my fears, my frustrations, and in so doing I am becoming more aware of the light inside of me.. and my purpose... who I was born to be.

I am scared of failing.. all the time... and yet, finally I have the strength to look past that fear and start to move towards who I know myself to be. Strong, Loving, Kind, Intelligent, Successful, HEALTHY.

I've decided to go back to school... to pursue the gifts that I was given at birth... and was scared to go after.. to incorporate all that my mother passed on to me.. all that I hold in my heart, my love, my knowledge and my dedication.. I am embracing my path in life and its thrilling.

As for men... things have been starting to shift for me... slowly. I still have my moments where I seek the attention of men to cover up something else in my heart. But I am getting better at my choices, and forgiving myself for my shortcomings.

I'm also learning to let the drama go.... also very slowly. When drama shows up in my life I am quicker to diffuse the upset in my heart and not bombard those around me with my own angst. Learning how to not take things so seriously and personally. I'm still growing!

Life is such an interesting series of events.. all that got me to this place had to happen.. all the sads, all the happys... all the failures and all the successes... all the moments where I wished it was different.. have all pushed me forward through time and space to this moment. And although there are a few things that I would like changed, I finally understand that the struggles create space to learn, to grow and shift the path of life.

I am surrounded by so much love... its amazing.

Thank-you for the love.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a moment.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for an hour...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was for just a week...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a month....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a season....

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a year...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a decade..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime..

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a lifetime...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for eternity...

Thank-you for the love you gave me...
even if it was just for a moment...

Everyday I see love...or am blessed by feeling love in my heart... my heart is so warmed.. and I am comforted... however, what almost automaticall comes from that love is the comeplete and utter fear of losing that love... having it dissapear into the abyss of existance.. as fast as it came...

I try desperately to hold on to love.. only to have it dissapear faster than it came...

Allowing love to come.. in and then out is an art, I have yet to master... it is so easy to start wondering what you did wrong to lose the love... what you did wrong.. self-pitty... self deprication... self-hate...

it is such a gift to feel that intense love from and for another human being.. even for a split second... why oh why are we so crushed at the loss of it? Why not embrace how lucky we were to experience it?

I always feel ripped off it was love for just a short time... and then I came up with this in my head...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was for just a moment...

...

Thank-you for the love you gave me..
even if it was just for an eternity...

because its all perspective... a moment is in itlsef eternity.. and instead of grieving the loss of something so special we should all be so thankful love found us in that moment.. that for a brief time we created that devine space for GOD.. for love, for the devine to show up in our lives..

And I also must thank-you for giving me the space to be me.. and let me love you... cause you also created that perfect moment.. even it was for just a moment...

I wonder if we've been playing htis game through lifetimes... teasing eachother... showing up at the perfect time to remind eachother that love... deep.. unconditional, heart stopping breath taking away kind of love is out there... we just have to be available.. and accept its timing in our lives...

I also am learning that love can show up in so many different ways.. and to stop only seeing love as one specific manifestation. Love is everywhere.. no matter how scared you are. From a smile, to a sweet smell, to a wink, a touch, a look, a kiss, a tear, an orgasm, a breath, a word, a call, and even silence... love shows up in the form of people trying to protect us from themselves. Even though it hurts... to accept this kind of love is exceptional, because its being greatful for something that doesn't seem great.... but if you see the love... then all is again right in the world...

So... I say..

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a minute.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for an hour.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a night.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a day.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a weekend.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for one week.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a month.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a season.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a year.

Thank-you for the love we shared..
even if it was just for a decade.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if was just for a lifetime.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for eternity.

Thank-you for the love we shared...
even if it was just for a moment.

following your heart and growing up.

So where to start,
I am sitting in my hostel room in Malaysia right now.. and how I got here, I have NO idea... well actually I do, but its so crazy..

Ultimately at the end of the day I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are all exactly where we should be... even on the days where one doesn't necessarily feel that way.

I finished my year in Korea in the most interesting way... I was confronted with a situation where I could either trust myself and potentially ruin a friendship or I could ignore my instincts and convince myself that I was crazy....something that I have had a lot of experience with over the years... in the end I decided... with a lot of help and support from a few friends that I needed to trust myself and realize that I have to start treating myself like my own best friend.. something that I have not done, my whole life.

It was a very interesting end to the year, but in the end I felt like the Universe was testing me to see how much I had grown over the year and whether I was going to walk away having gained insight into myself and grown, or I would revert back into my old way of being.

In the end I decided to trust myself... and it felt sooo good to trust myself. Unfortunately it could be the potential of the end of a friendship, but then it was the start of me starting to honour myself... I think that my whole life the whole "do unto others as you would do unto yourself" was so powerful for me, that I missed the point that you have to honour yourself in the start... so I would always excuse people's behaviour, forgive, apologize, fix, treat people the way I WANTED to be treated but at the end of the day I wasn't treating MYSELF with honour... hence all the bull shit with guys... my ex, my family etc.

Its been a long life of constantly selling myself short, and treating myself worse than how I would treat anyone else.

I think I have always had this fear of not being liked, of losing people and so I let people walk all over me... in the name of trying to show them that they can't do any wrong in my eyes.. but just like everyone else we all make mistakes and I am realizing that NO it is not up to me to judge, but that i don't have to like everyone and I don't have to subject myself to negativity all the time.

It was hard for me to make the decision I did to confront this person.. stick to my guns and tell them that what they did was not what friends do, and that I didn't care what her excuses were... this was simply how I felt and she knew that and pursued with her behaviour despite me warning her that it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.... since the event it turns out that I was completely right and although I have moved past it, and its basically a non issue now, it was a true test of the growth that I have experienced over the past year.

So I left Korea... headed for my dream trip.. only to get to Bangkok and 6 hours later find myself in the emergency room of the hospital. I thought I had had a kidney infection... but after various tests they found a cyst on my ovary and I was admitted for emergency surgery... when I tell people the story they say "you must have been so scared" its funny, I wasn't I was just trying to figure out what it all meant... why it had happened and why I was where I was.

Laying in my hospital bed the day after reflecting on what happened I felt like it had to be bigger that just surgery that there was something to all this, and since I've been on a path of more self discovery and trying to get more in tune with my heart and what I need to do next in my life.

In surgery they found that the cyst had contorted around my ovary and had hemorrhaged, in order to protect my further health they removed the cyst and 80% of the ovary...

I joke that I came to Thailand and thought i would get a new tattoo and now I have 4:P

Its amazing though what happened in the course of events... If I had gone home I wouldn't have had medical coverage, nor would I probably have been taken care of so quickly, I would have been in the emerge room thinking that i just had a pain in my back and I would have kept being bumped for more emergencies... and the doctors say that had I left it that much longer it could have become gangrenous and then who knows...

So deciding to come to Thailand meant that I had medical coverage... an also very interesting story.. cause bought insurance last year and because it was 100$ more for the year as opposed to the weekend I bought it for the year and then just before I left Korea I had this intense feeling like I REALLY needed to write down all my insurance info... trusting myself.. there it is again.

The fact that I was in no pain on the plane to Thailand meant that I left Korea complete... happy and relaxed... and the fact that it happened when it did meant that I wasn't in Laos where there is little to no medical coverage... ANGELS were watching out for me....

The whole experience still feels surreal... like there I was... and now I am here... waking up in the recovery room from anesthetics was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced... waking up with the air tube down my throat was so scary.. not being able to breath trying to hit people to tell them that I couldn't breathe... my throat was soo dry that after they pulled the tube out I was choking and thought I was going to die... That was the terrifying thing.. wanting to be alive and feeling like I wasn't going to be able to breathe...

I spent the next day very drugged out talking to various family members and friends on the phone and not making any sense.. but a thunderstorm came across the city and livened me up...

Through the whole experience i experienced how blessed I am in my life... and realized that I had convinced myself that I had no one, no reason to go back to Canada, no attachment because my mother had died... and now I feel like i do REALLY have a place, have family and friends that love and support me...

I've realized that I was running away from something.. that I have been running from something my whole life... trying to make the feeling of not being wanted go away.. I sleep with guys, party, spend as much time with large groups of people, and travel all in trying to convince myself that I am not alone...

But in the end this experience really taught me that I was never alone.. that I have always had so much love in my life, but I've been denying it.

In recovery over the next week I went through a lot of awareness about why it happened to me and what it all meant. One thing that I feel very strongly about is that most sicknesses are manifested through emotional turmoil, and the fact that this issue had to deal with my reproductive organs made me start looking at how I've treated myself all these years in regards to men... and through conversations with a few friends I realized a few considerable things about myself.

I always go for men that I KNOW in my heart aren't going to be there for ever.. they tend to be either one night stands or people that I feel need my support... I know a lot of girls do this... and sometimes it works... but that I find people that are not REALLY available cause its safe... No MAN has EVER stuck by me... and so deep down inside I have convinced myself that there are no good men... and I've also been punishing myself for not being good enough to keep men around.. and its all rooted in the fact that my biological father left...

you know its very interesting cause its something I have never really put much thought into.. I know that it must affect me, but I haven't given it a lot of weight, but at the end of the day, I think a child's relationship to their parents is a very important one and establishes one's relationships with both sexes... and so I've been replaying my mother's life over and over again cause I know no better...

So after this event happened in Korea and I stood up for myself in regards to my treatment of a guy and a friend, I think my body was willing to say... ok we think you are ready to purge this bullshit.And so I ended up in the hospital having it removed.. and regaining my womanhood, and more strength.

I'm not saying that I am all cured about my tendencies with men but I am much more aware of it, and am on the road....

So after being in the hospital I went to stay at a hostel and the second night I was there there was this huge crash and I got out of bed to find that the entire ceiling in my bathroom had fallen to the floor... EVERYTHING. light fixtures, metal, tiles.. and I had this intense.. "get the fuck out" come over me... the riots were going on in Bangkok at the time and although I didn't really hear or experience much it was in tandem with this event so I felt this intense need to go back to Canada.

I have travelled extensively and at the end of the day I have NEVER wanted to go home so badly... giving up my dream trip.. it didn't make any sense to me... but that's what I was being guided to do.. that's that my heart said to do.. and my heart has never let me down so far...

So I headed to the airport.. on my way there we saw burnt out buses and the remnants of the riots from the night before... it was so weird because we really didn't experience it at all.. so I got to the airport and told the universe (that is what ever you believe in) that if I was REALLY supposed to go home.. that it would be easy to go home... well needless to say it wasn't it was going to be 4000$ and like a 40 hour journey...

In the end I ended up at the Natural Healing Center that I had been to earlier on in the week to get a Reiki treatment.. there I felt safe.. with people that were in parallel with who I am under all the facade, people who believe in guides and angels and intuition and all the things that I am growing to believe in.. the things that my mother believed in but I have pushed away for years and years...

talking to the owner.. he said well you can stay here for as long as you want until you sort things out... I then asked myself what I should do... and like Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Eat Pray love while laying on the bathroom floor crying.. I got this intense.. GO TO SLEEP A.. So I went upstairs and slept. When I woke up I decided to stay and learn Reiki like I had planned...

Over the next two weeks I did the Reiki course and then a meditation course and was just with myself. I didn't drink, I slept early and woke up relatively early and read a lot. I was introduced to these books by Lobsang Rampa and through them a lot of clarity came up for me around feelings I have had my whole life... it was really empowering and relaxing.

At the end of the two weeks an old friend from high school just happened to be in Bangkok and we spent an afternoon together reminiscing and laughing... he reminded me that he was in the car when I hit my best friends car when I was 16 and they had to lie to her father that it was some random person in the parking lot.. I was SOOOO embarrassed... imagine a 1982 New Yorker trying to do a U turn next to a car.. basically I misjudged the circumference of my circle and hit her side panel.. ah the crazy shit that you do when you are young..

anyways.. it was really nice to see a familiar face.

So then I met up with the boat.. I was so excited.. finally getting to go on vacation...

man I wish I wrote more often cause they are all very funny/interesting stories but to write them all in one go I'm trying to not keep you here forever! or myself for that matter..

anyways the owner of the boat was.. well let's just say we didn't get along.. the first night that I was there he asked me if I gave good massages.. before I realized WHAT he was REALLY asking me I said yes...
and then he asked if I could give him one... hesitatingly I said I think the Thai girls probably give much better massages.. HINT HINT.. then he said well I even have baby oil! AHHHHH are you kidding me? I had no idea what to do... I should have just gotten off the boat that day.. but I'm still not very good at these situations... anyways, he then asked if I would like to sit on him.. THIS IS NOT going on!... I said actually why don't you sit here.. he said you mean lay down and I said.. NO SIT!!! so he sat, I rubbed his shoulders for about 5 minutes then tapped his back and said "all done" even writing this right now gives me the creeps.. I can't believe I did that!

Anyways we spent the next three days sort of establishing our boundaries.. i think because of what had happened I was WAYYY more on guard.. and so I was a lot more harsh to him.. but he treated me basically like an idiot.. he never explained anything fully and then would get mad at me not understanding...

The day before i left I met these really amazing people.. a couple that had had a crazy story of getting to Bangkok and being arrested... long story short they had lived here 3 years ago and their house burnt down. according to the investigator turned out that there was faulty wiring with the air con unit.. well they were back on vacation and being arrested for grand arson and fleeing the country.. it was a crazy tale that ended in them having to pay close to 50, 000$ to stay out of prison for the next 18 years and having their records cleared... they were an amazing couple and I really enjoyed hanging out with them.. so I asked the owner of the boat if I could stay and meet up with him later..

his response turned into a power trip and I could see it from a mile away.. trying to control me, and dominate me... he basically threatened that there was sooo much work that still had to be done on the boat and that if I didn't help out with it then the next day while he was on land I would be doing the work.. after arguing with him for 10 minutes I gave up the battle... turns out the work I had to do when getting back to the boat was cooking him dinner...

We left the next morning for Phi Phi Island... On the trip across I was really feeling like i didn't want to be there... stupid things, like making me cook lunch for him and this woman that came with us.. making me pull up the anchor without gloves so my hands got ripped to shit... making me steer for 2 hours when there was auto steering.. just really sly things..

then we arrived on Phi Phi island... one of the most beautiful places I have EVER been in my whole life.

The first night The owner and I got into a little fight as he was very condescending and in the end told me that i really should get over my mother's death.. that I wasn't living in the real world and that I have a lot of potential but need to grow up and let go of my baggage, shall I mention that I had simply mentioned my mother in passing.. let's just say I don't really talk about my mother to a lot of people... and he was certainly NOT a person that I thought would be someone I should talk to about the whole experience...

anyways I walked away and then came back and told him that I wanted off the boat.. that I would get my stuff the next day and that would be it.

He then informed me that we had checked out of Thailand and we were not OFFICIALLY still in the country... I suppose it wasn't all that bad or I would have found a way out of it.. but I decided to stay to get to Malaysia and then we would part ways..

I ended up getting a room on Phi Phi and spent the week partying,. meeting great people... and I learned how to scuba dive.. something I have always wanted to do..

I was in great fear at first to not be able to breathe under water, but once i got over it it was amazing.. for the first time in my life I was experiencing being completely conscious of my breathing and just my surroundings without being able to talk.. I think that was the hardest thing for me.. I am a talker and I ask a lot of questions and in the water I couldn't ask any questions... it was scary.. but really good for me.. and the most amazing thing is on our first dive I got to swim with a hawksbill turtle.. and there was a guy with a video camera so I have footage of me swimming next to this turtle.. it was AMAZING and peace that I have never experienced.

we ended up seeing 6 sharks on our two dives and an eagle ray soaring above us..its a place that is very special, under the water...

I ended up getting my PADI open water certification... and spending 3 days waking up at dawn, and not being able to party and regrounding myself.

The last night I spent with some great people I met for the full moon party, drinking sitting with a very nice boy and watching lightening across the water.....

The next day we set sail for Langkawi, Malaysia and freedom!

The first night was spent on Ko Rok, a small island about a 7 hour sail from Phi Phi. I went snorkeling in the most crystal blue water you have ever seen. It was like floating over little villages, these huge mushrooms of coral covered in all sorts of colours and life...

although it was beautiful I started getting a little nervous about what may be under these beautiful formations.. in the dark... what could potentially come and EAT me:P

I decided to stay relatively close to the boat... at one point I saw this blowfish the length of my arm and it was just staring at me.. and made me feel pretty uncomfortable where I felt like it was getting too close to me... then I started thinking about sharks.. and getting really nervous.. then out of the corner of my eye... there it was... AHHH maybe 20 meters from me this shark sped past... I was sooo freaking scared that I took off my mask and kept my head out of water..

swimming frantically back to the boat.. I knew that they wouldn't hurt me, but my terror was getting the best of me and I convinced myself that this shark was stalking me in the water and i was going to be bait... I kept telling myself to swim slow, sharks can smell fear, tapping into EVERY ounce of training I have had about surrounding myself with white light, being calm.. etc I swam back to shore... not wanting to know where it was, convinced it was going to eat me:P

I got back on the boat, shaking... the song that I have as the title of this blog came into my head.. there's a line where he said "do one thing every day that scares you" well let me tell you.. I was scared SHITLESS.... shaking, I sat on the boat and felt the adrenaline pumping through my body, feeling very alive and very scared. but alive.

The three days on the boat were reasonable I just kept my mouth shut telling myself that it was all going to be over soon and so just hold my tongue and make it easier for both of us.

I spent those days trying to figure out what to do next... what all this meant, why it had all ended the way it did. Everyday I would wake up and think Go home.. everynight i would go to sleep feeling the same way... something that has been incredibly strong for me was that I should find my biological father.

He's someone that I think about from time to time, but I've really denied the effect not having him in my life has had on me... and lately I've been feeling like its probably one of the single most biggest events that has shaped who I am and why I behave the way I do around guys... So even though I am in paradise something I am coming to terms with was this trip was really a space for me to grow and become whole and complete and move forward in my life and no matter how beautiful the scenery or where I go and what I do, what I am REALLY LOOKING FOR isn't here... its back home in Canada.. I am looking for a place, for answers... to know where it all began. and I feel like in order to move forward in my life I need to close this chapter in my life..and nevre before have I had the money, the time or the capacity to want to find him.. and now I do, and although it scares the shit out of me... the rejection that I could possibly face, the dissapointment.... Its one of the only WHAT IF's I have in my life and I need to find closure around it...

The last night on the boat and in Thailand I ended up talking to that boy I had mentioned months ago... it had been about 4 months since I last talked to him and I had been recently fantasizing about going home and being able to see him, be with him... having something... going camping up in northern Ontario... while talking to him that fantasy quickly dispersed. He broke his back in the spring and in the time since we last talked he has gotten a lot worse emotionally.. its so difficult for me to see someone I love in so much pain and sadness... But one thing I am learning in life you can't help people that don't want it.. and how you can be there for people is not necessarly the way you want to.. but you have to respect what people need especially if you REALLY love them. So, even though it pains me, I know that I can't have all that negativity in my life and he also made it very clear that he is SOOO far away from being to have a relationship... something I admire in him because I am not able to identify that in myself...

its difficult... but I am coming to terms with the idea that he is not right for me.. and that we will only be friends.. and although its difficult to let go of a fatasy I have had for years... a childhood fantasy it frees me up. Love him from afar...

One thing I realized that its been relatively easy being on the other side of the world during us getting to know eachother cause we CAN't see eachother... but if I go home and he doesn't WANT to see me.. it changes things.. there are no more excuses other than I don't want to be with you...

So I am heading home... to what I am not sure... but I feel in my heart its the right thing to do... today I sort of thought it would be interesting to drive across Canada over the summer using Couch surfers and meeting people from across our beautiful country, findng my way to Vancouver Island and then finally finding Patrick.

Something I also thought about was that I could potentially write a book on my adventures across Canada, the events, the characters I meet and the experience I have trying to find my father.

I think I will keep it here...

you know its diffficult for me, I want to share this blog with people that are closest to me, and I feel like i Would have to delete all the crazy stories about guys.. but everytime i come close to doing it I feel like it wouldn't be complete without those stories without the evidence that I have evolved as a person.. to delete those stories would be to delete that part of my life..that undeniable struggle.. its the experience of what got me to this place in my life.. and although its difficult to observe I am still struggling, and its real. Its my LIFE.

Something I failed to mention earlier is that on Phi Phi I had this realization.. that I always go for guys that are really attractive.. they tend to be relatively unatainable guys... most of the time.. and that for the most part I am really shallow, that I expect guys to not be shallow, but I am in fact incredibly shallow.. my standards are really low, and they tend to become a conquering to see if I can get them.. which I usually can, so in so doing I prove to myself that they are all shallow and aren't going to stick around.. and that I fulfill this insecure part of me that wants to make sure the hot ones find me attractive.. its really rediculous... anyways.. I realize I NEVER go for the nice guys. NICE guys Do like me, but I miss them, I ignore them... and in the end.. that's what I REALLY want... a niceguy... someone who is like me.. plain and lovely.

Its really interesting the thought of people that have been reading my blog over the ast few years and what you must think of me and my evolution as a person. The struggles I share, the experiences I have with guys... when I go missing for months.. and then come back with some random tale..

I wonder how it occurs for you.. how I occur for you.. but I was talking to someone last week and in sharing part of my story they said we all go through that in our twenties... we all struggle with our identity what to do, what's next... welcome to your twenties, this is what its like.. and so at the end of the day I hope that someone sees themselves in what I write and in their similar experience as a human being.

thanks for listening.
I'll try to post more frequently from now on.
A. yes that's my name. the REAL me.

Stepping out... once again.

So, My year is coming to a close.. and what a year it has been. You know how people talk about going off and finding yourself... well I've always thought this was silly cause how can you find yourself? You are yourself?? I think what this ultimately means is giving you the time to explore your inner self, where perhaps in another place, home, where everyone has a fixed idea of who you are is much more difficult.

So I have found myself... as much as one can in a year of self discovery. Korea offered me the space to be on my own and diiscover the things that make me happy, encourage growth and I think being on my own has brought me to a place where I can hear what my heart is saying more clearly..

So as the year draws to a close I was trying to figure out what to do next... I've been through many ups and downs about what to ultimately decide. Usually my decisions consist of, what do I want to do? then.. what's the practical thing to do... back and forth...

Ultimately the clarity about what to do next happened while i was in Malaysia. I found a little advertisement looking for crew for a sail boat... I have always wanted to learn how to sail and so when I got here I was looking into the possibility of crewing for a tall ship, but all the information I found either cost an exorbitant amount of money or wasn't really what I was looking for... and then this popped up. I hadn't ever thought about working on a sail ship... to be honest I think it was the lack of people that caused me to shy away from this idea. I've always been drawn to big crowds, a lot of people.. and well let's be honest... the possibility of men:P

But if this year has taught me anything, its that I rather enjoy small groups of people, being on my own, silence.. and I am NOT looking for men anymore... in fact most of the time I would rather not even have the temptation:P

So, the idea of sailing on a small sailing vessle seemed ideal. Just the kind of thing that I was looking for.

After sending an email to the listed address, I was sent a response saying that they were no longer in need of crew but they knew someone who was. A couple of e-mails later... I find myself planning a trip to Thailand to meet up with a ex airforce captain and his 44' sloop, and I don't think I could be happier.

I can't explain what it feels like to know that I will be doing an end...something that I've always wanted to do... a secret dream of mine. It's not to get anywhere, but just ot enjoy...

Now inside of making the decision to do this I was trying to figure out what to do next... after this trip, and was seriously thinking about coming back here... extending my contract and replacing the other teacher at my school , I flip flopped back and forth.. then one day I woke up and asked myself.. if you had all the money in the world... what does your heart say? and it said... NO NO NO NO PLease don't make me come back!

I thought about it for a few weeks, and at the end of the day I decided that I never want to be planning to go anywhere feeling miserable about it.. and if for no other reason than taht, I couldn't come back.. well atleast not guarantee coming back to someone. I knew if I did I would spend the next 4 months not living in the moment but in the future of Korea and wouldn't enjoy myself as much. In addition I also saw that I wasn't trusting the universe to provide, that I was saying... I don't know what will happen so I mine as well be safe... but when is safe really fun??

So I am taking a leap of faith, and letting things be exactly how they are supposed to be... enjoying my life and letting it dance through me.

So in 5 weeks I am heading to Laos for a couple of weeks where I will celebrate the buddhist New Year... and then by mid April meet up with the boat.. and see where life takes me.

I'm really finding a sense of peace within myself, in my day to day existance and its wonderful. Having faith in that everything should be how it is... is so freeing.

So I'm jumping again... with no safety net... but this time it feels a little easier...

Soul Mates...

I read in a book once.. (eat pray love).. soul mates are the people that come in to your life crack you open, show you everything you are and everything you are not.. and then beat it.

I really felt connected to that line when I read it a few years ago.. and it could be no more closer to the truth than what I am feeling right now.

The guy I wrote you about a month ago, I feel really is a soul mate. But perhaps not in the way that I wanted him to be. He's amazing, and nothing has changed about how I feel about him, except for how I feel about myself.

He's amazing and we still connect on this really core level. He lost his mom last spring, and having another person to talk about what its like, and perhaps give some input on the path of dealing with such a loss has been really special for me. Not to mention having so much in common.

From the get go I felt like we were on the same page... and he kept alluding to having something more between us, everything I felt, he would say, like sharing our lives together, seeing where this goes, travelling.. etc. But from our initial phone conversation, he also kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he didn't think that he would be a great boyfriend right now, that he needed his space. He was dealing with his stuff, and needed to deal with it on his own.

I think I was very blind to what he was saying, or atleast, now I realize that I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to be able to be the girl without any expectations, that could give him the space he needs, and just accept the relationship as it was... but there was always this hope that it would flourish into something more.. and with that comes a want to be in communication.

I am the kind of person that needs to be in constant communication. I need to be reassured that everything is ok. I need to know what is going on... I've always fought against those tendencies because I am aware that they can be slightly over bearing at times.. and with this guy he was even saying so... but they are consistently there, and I can't ignore them.

So our communications have gotten to be less and less frequent over the past month. Then he ended up calling a few weeks ago and we had this amazing conversation and he ended up telling me he loves me... and that he considers me one of his soul mates.

I was bouncing off the walls. I had never had a guy say anything like that to me before.. and so it was extra special for me.. and with that came a want to talk to him constantly... well by this weekend it ended up being 2 weeks since i had heard from him... absolutely NO communication.. and considering it was Valentine's Day, i was also hoping to hear from him, because he's as close to a boy friend as I have right now.

I didn't think much of it, but by Monday I wa feeling pretty sad... and realized I was super dissapointed.

As a result I decided to tell him, because considering he is on the other side of the world, there's no room for hoping someone knows how you feel... you have to spell it out.. So I did.

I sent him an e-mail telling him that I was hurt... that I know its alot of pressure, and that he's said that he wants his space, but still I have to be honest, and I'm hurt....

He ended up writing me back the next morning.. basically telling me that he's been incredibly busy, that he barely has time for himself and therefor has no time for talking to me... that he was sorry that he hurt my feelings, but that he didn't think that it would be something that I would expect from him considering we were not in a relationship...

He then went on to tell me that he felt an incredible amont of pressure from me... that he has told me countless times that he needs his space and that I can't seem to give it to him... That I have expectations that he just can't fill, that iits all very draining on him.

I realized that I was loving him the way that I want to be loved, calling, writing e-mails, being in constant communication... and that that's not what he needs right now... BUT in realizing that I also realized that I DO need that... and how much I have grown in the past year gave me the space to tell myself that that was ok.

And so I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.. I can't pretend that I don't want more, that its ok that he doesn't talk to me for weeks... that I don't want to share every moment of my life with him... I realized that THAT is just me and that its fine. That he was right all along, but that I had to figure it out on my own.. for myself... and so..

I've decided to let go.

I've realized that I trully deserve everything that I want... and that includes someone that wants to talk to me all the time, that wants to share their life with me... who is in a place where they CAN give themselves and their time...

I think that I have spent so much of my time with men accepting the bare minimum of what they can give me because I don't want to be the one that gives up... I don't want my needs to get in the way of what they want... and how far has that gotten me??

I have finally realized that I need to respect how I feel abotu things and be ok that I want more.

Letting go of him, of the potential relationship is very difficult for me because I wanted it so badly... I wanted my happy ever after... NOW.

But I trully see the growth that has occured in me, where I can step back and say... I can't do this because its not EXACTLY what I want, and I'm not getting what I need out of it.


So, I think I feel right now that he trully is one of my soul mates, but not in the way I had hoped. That in the space he created by just being in my life... he showed me how I can say no to men, brought me back to a place where I value sex and passion again. He reminded me of what I believe in and what I am passionate about. He reminded me how I want to be better than I am right now in EVERY way. He showed me what it was like to love, and be accepted. He showed me that I deserved to be loved and appreciated... He showed me how much I have grown around my mom. He encouraged me in deciding to not stay in Korea but pursue my dream of travelling in South East Asia. And ultimately he gave me the space to realize that I need more than he is capable of giving... He has given me SOOOOO much. I feel so blessed that we found eachother again.

I realize that in order for me to learn these lessons so quickly it couldn't have been anyone other than him because we started off on such a trusting foot.... that I got to bypass all the stupid shit and just get right down to the nitty gritty.

He also allowed me to see how I behave at the start of relatioships.. how easy it is for me to want to give up everything that I hold as valuable in order for a guy to like me back... how needy I can be...etc.

He trully is a soul mate.. and cracked me open, showed me everything I am and everything I'm not... and well I guess he just had a very short shelf life...

and although there are parts of me that feel sad about letting this one go.. I ultimately feel that that is the greatest lesson of all, and that Korea really was all about that lesson for me... Letting go...

I decided today that I am not coming back here, well not right away. I need to completely let go and just let things work themselves out... Trust that the Universe will keep providing me with everything i need, cause well it's certainly done its job so far!

Soul Mates trully come in so many varieties... they teach you things, open your eyes to whats important.. they connect on a soul level with you.. reflect you... and when there is nothing more to learn, they leave.

I don't know what will come out of this... in the end this will ultimately be my giving him space.. but this time its on my terms... and well he knows he can come find me when and if he's ever ready for being up for the challenge of giving me what I need in return...

Got to go to bed.

When everything just starts to make sense

So its a new Year... 2009. And I suppose its time to give a little update. This year travelling has really given me the space to move forward in my life. I've been getting closer and closer to who I am at my core.

Korea really has given me this amazing space to explore myself. Although I have from time to time flattered my traditional behaviour of finding passion in quick encounters, I have still held fast that its not really, trully who I am. That it was there for a purpose when I was younger, but that who I am in the world is someone who will find someone who will make it all make sense. That, when I lay awake the day after a one night stand and think, how much lonelier I feel. That I have just cheated myself out of seomthing real, that one day it will all make sense.

Over the past few months I keep telling my friends that I know that things are shifting for me and that soon... very soon I will find the partner I've been seeking, but haven't been ready for.

I know, that I wasn't ready before to let anyone in, that my destructive behaviour around men and drinking was the solution to the painful loneliness and betrayal that I felt from so many people that I loved in my life. That my out was just to use people as much as I felt used... and although there was a time where I really enjoyed the detachment, it is NOT in consistency with who I have become over the past year.

I knew when I left canada, that Korea was the next step, that jumping was going to shift my entire existance and has it ever. I have gotten in touch with my spirituality, my love, my confidence, my passion. I feel more in tune with who I am and what I deserve, than ever before. The clarity is amazing.

I finally am confident in what I want and who I am, and with it comes this space for some one amazing to show up. That there is no way that I could have let anyone amazing in my life over the past 5 years because I just wasn't in an amazing place. That your partner is someone that reflects you, and well I deffinately was finding my reflection, people not even worth my time in most cases. All so very superficial.

So here I am, knowing that my life is just spectacular, I am soo thank-ful for everything, for the growth that I have experienced, and am ready for what's next in my life. I am sooo ready for real true, knock your socks off, passionate, profoundly deep, break your heart love.

I haven't slept with anyone in 2 months... the last time I did it was aweful, I hadn't had anything completely superficial with anyone in so long, and I suppose I was just in a stupid head space, and felt like fuck it... well that's exactly what it was. It was really as far as one can get away from making love. It was mechanical, and in the morning I felt soo rejected. It was aweful. And yet, I suppose we all go back and try just one last piece before we let go entirely.

Since then I've flirted with the idea, but the further I get in the year, the less and less I do with men, it just feels more and more unsatisfying. The last time I slept over at a guys house, about a month ago we didn't do anything, not even kissing. And to be honest, leaving his house, I felt like I was finally ready. He was a friend of mine, that I knew was interested in me, but there was just something saying that it wasn't right. That its time to stop these stupid superficial antics cause if I don't I'm going to miss something amazing...

And, then he just showed up.

Like everything that I've wanted in a guy, he is... and soo much more. And yet, the relationship is starting soo slowly, and everything I've ever wanted to happen at the beginning of a relationship is. We connect at such a core level, we have both never met anyone like eachother in our entire lives, and yet, the world just provided and made sure that the patience I lack is taken care of cause he's back home in Canada.

I told myself and my friends that I really didn't want to go home until I found someone to have a family with because I really felt like I wouldn't find my Mr Perfect in Canada, that he would be travelling and before settling down I wanted to share our similar passions. But, I also felt like I wanted to find someone from Canada because I see how difficult it is for some of the couples I know to manage visiting their respective families and live abroad, when their familes are in different parts of the world.

I also really wanted to be able to establish a real friendship with the person I end up spending the rest of my life with. That we give ourselves the time we need to really get to know eachother before diving into a relationship, because like I've said before I feel that once sex gets involved getting to know someone becomes all foggy.

And I'll tell you a little secret, the first time I have sex with the man I marry, I want to be in love with him, and him with me.

But lets be honest, I never knew how that was going to happen because I am crazy impatient, and well lets be honest I love sex...

Its trully amazing how the world provides you with exactly what you need in life, so long as you are open to it.

So he showed up... and he is my very first crush, from grade 4. And we are like two branches from the same tree. We are so similar in our history, in our beliefs and in our experiences. He believes in everything I do and gives me this amazing space to really and trully be the person I've always wanted to be.

Its the most extraordinary feeling. And, to top it all off, he just has this ability to anticipate what I need. Most importantly, taking time to really get to know eachother before we take our relationship to the next level.

So, there you go... slowly but surely I've grown up.

Now I am not going to say I know what's going to happen tomorrow, but at the end of the day, I am so very thank-ful for absolutely everything. And every moment that I have written in this blog is just the path that I needed to take, and for that I am so very thank-ful because it has brought me right to where I'm supposed to be and the view from here is spectacular.

I'm done my year here in 11 weeks and am going to travel South east Asia. My dream trip. And, the most spectacular thing. This amazing man, suggested we travel together. Life really couldn't get any better!!

Just thought I'd update.

Who knew?