in 10 years....

you know one thing that has been plaguing me recently is this idea of hindsight is 20/20. I mean, why is it that we always look back on things and can say.. if only I had done that... I've been thinking lately about my life in that regard. Looking at what I promised myself I would do when I was 16, what I wanted to do with my life before I saw all these things that prevented me from doing all that I wanted.

I promised myself I would travel, travel every summer. That I would work abroad, and I had a plan- go to university - go teach english abroad, do a cida internship, then I applied for a post-graduate programme.. I had a plan and it seems in the past 2 years that plan has just become getting by. No In the past 6 months I've grown alot, come to peace with alot of things and feel alot more "sane" and so the burning question is what now.

I have been refelecting and have come to the quasi-conclusion that I'm rushing my life, as though a husband, a family, the house, the car can't come fast enough. IT's safe. But is safe really what I've always wanted? will "safe" make me happy?

I finally realized that my mother's death really set me back, I mean I had planned all these things over the past 5 years, but then she died and my life was altered, my reality and my safety net were altered.... and I was lost. I felt incredibly safe in my relationship... as though that was the only thing that mattered. And, even though it was not a healthy realtionship it was safe.. i had my family and i think I would have been satisfied to stay there for the rest of my life..

But I'm constantly plagued by this notion of being 35 and looking back on my life thus far and thinking "what was I thinking?" I mean, 35 is 10 years away.. and it's still pretty young!

So with my sanity comes the urge to be insane... to pick up and fuck off... I think that since mom died I have been seeking the approuval of my family. Wanting to be that good girl that gets a job, gets a husband and settles down.... but I've been thiking that won't make me happy... that will be comfortable and is comfort really what we seek? I do want a career and work experience, but is that really what matter? I hear alot of older people say, you know I worked sooo many hours, for what? I enevr got to see my kids grow up! And that's where I sit right now, in this place where I realize that although comfort is safe, and getting the job, the house, the car, the husband and the kids is nice.... when I die will that be what matters? Or will i think... why didn't I just do that?

So that.... what is that? I want to travel, I want to work with kids... So I've been thinking about going to Korea to teach english. I had originally thought Japan because I've been there before and actually was offered a position, but expenses were too high and pay was too low... so Korea... and in contemplating Korea I've been thinking... in 10 years will I say "why didn't I just stay in Canada, settle down and establish my career? The more and more I ask myself that question.. the more and more I think there is no way I will answer yes.

I think that many of us get into routine and regret alot of what we do in life... I do not want to be one of those people. i want to have a family... but more than anything I want to be fulfilled, inspired and happy. I want to look back on my life and be proud for what I acconplished for how many times I stept outside the box and be proud of who I am and the mark I made in my short time on this planet. Life is about experience.. and how much really can you get out of the mundane routine that is life here.

I appreciate comfort.. its nice... but its not fulfilling.

And I think we forget that work is only there in order for us to have the things we want... right now work is only there for me to survive, and that's no existance to be proud of... So, can you have all that you want in life? That is the question.. there's only one way to find out.... by jumping off the cliff... cause the worst that can happen is I jump i hot the ground.. get up and go back to the same job!

and well one other thing i realized.... my mom died... it sucks but it's done, everyone else in my life has to still deal with that.. and its a life altering existance changing thing.... so its over with.... there's nothing keeping me here... I'm free... and I;ve gotten over the worst thing in my life....there's a freedom in that.. there's a peace.


a little diff

Jiri - maple leafs gaffe - are you kidding me?

OK, so i didn't have the pleasure to read the article in Wednesday's newspaper about rookie Maple Leafs Jiri Tlusty. But the headline in the Toronto Sun certainly didn't have much for wondering what all the commotion was about. Front page - the picture of him naked - with obvious parts being covered up. I have a few comments on this topic..

1. Is there nothing else to make front page news? Is a big newspaper like the Toronto Sun really that hurting for readers that it stoops to the levels of the national enquirer? I wish the editor of that newspaper had the same thing happen to him.. some naked pics he gave his wife, or her husband, were splashed on the front of the same newspaper. Its ridiculous.

2. Who the fuck cares... so what he wanted to get laid, he was clearly showing what he had to offer the girl.. or guy... on the other end of the interaction. And well, there's nothing wrong with being horny and wanting to get laid.. even if he didn't sleep with the reciprocator sometimes its fun to "fool" around with a complete stranger.. lol .. i know more than most! I mean just cause you weren't caught doesn't mean that you never have taken naked pictures of yourself... its been happening for years and years, now its just easier for the world to see. And if it weren't bad enough that any one could just search for those pictures... to have the SUN plaster them on the front of their newspaper is so childish.

God forbid Jiri, or anyone for that matter has a libido and wants to have fun. The mere fact that he was forced to apologize for the act is beyond me. It makes me so angry. Why are we so god damned judgemental. We all have sex. We all get horny... we've all done things we regret...

and for the person who posted them... do you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time? I mean i thought the same thing this summer when that girl sold her text messages from prince Harry to the media. Are you kidding me? The prince talked to you? would you not be flattered? why does everyone have to get something at the expense of someone else. Its retarded.

Then there's another thing.. the fact that people are talking about whether or not the pictures could be gay... really? WHO CARES... and how is it that a guy shows his penis and everyone thinks that he must be gay. It doesn't matter either way, but why is that the stereotype of gay men? Gay men are no more promiscuous then straight men.. or straight women for that matter. We are all individuals we all do different things... we all act differently why do people attempt to compartmentalize everyone... then once they've stereotyped them they are immediately prejudiced, judged and if anything is not "conventional" they are ostracized?

it makes me so mad.

Go get a life. Leave him be.. if he wants to get laid... he has every right to. He's going to get enough chirping in the locker room. And... well he deserves that from the boys cause they all know what its like... but its not an exclusive thing, its locker room banter.. its the boys club... let the boys be.. let them have their ridiculousness, that's what we love about boys.

I, in fact, had the pleasure to meet some of the leafs last year at a bar downtown. i hung out with them.. to my embarrassment didn't even clue into the fact that they were the leafs until one of my guy friends pointed it out..but i'm not a very loyal fan... I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years that watches hockey... I'm a fickle fan, i know how to get laid, you cheer for your boyfriend's team.. thats a no brainer...(side note!)

but they were just regular guys... In fact at one point I asked one of them, the one i had been hitting on for quite some time... once i realized that he was a leaf.. would you prefer that i think you are hot because you are hot? or because you are a leaf? What do you think his obvious answer was.

Now.. if you know me you'd be quick to assume I ended up sleeping with one of them... and although i sorta regret the decision I made.. i decided to walk away cause i didn't want to be that girl who fucked a leaf.. just to say i did... had i not known.. i probably would have.. and had the opportunity to do so... but i can only imagine what they go through with women who think that there's something more.. plus... clearly they have to worry about repercussions of their drunken actions. Why can't people just chill out and get that we are all human.. it doesn't matter what your profession... we all.. at the end of the day just want to get laid and have someone to cuddle with... and all the better if he's a leaf:P

that's my piece.

The roller coaster that is my life

You know I have this thing, everytime I write a posting i worry if I should have just, not written that one thing, or said that one thing... what if this entire blog comes back to haunt me, and then all i can think of is how its my life. I'm not ashamed, and I would rather people enjoy reading it because they can relate then pretend none of it happened.

I guess where I'm at right now is knowing that there is this side of me, and that some guys are enticed knowing that I am like this and some guys are very intimidated and put off by it. I think it comes right back to the judging thing. Guys can sleep with whomever they want to, and girls can't. If a guy was telling his buddies about this broad who was the worst head they had ever had it would just be shooting the shit, but if its a girl telling anyone about her experiences its dirty and wrong.

I go through fazes.. like most people, where sometimes I don't give a shit about finding a relationship because i get so discourraged and then my sexual frustration builds.. i take it into my own hands and make the decision that I don't have to wait for mr. right.. that mr. right-now will be an ok substitution.... But what I know about myself, is this usually always happens after I've gone on a few dates that I think have potential. Only to have the guys only want one thing... after that it takes a while to get back on track and be back in the mind space where I can fantasize that a nice guy will find his way into my life.

Its a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

I'm exhausted... I'll write more soon.

Finally the great Lay....

when you know its good, its really good, it doesn't even compete with any thing else. Its fun and light and risky and dirty and sensual and gentle and comfortable all at the same time... and in the end sex like that can only be found with someone you know. Its just the way it is.

So, on Sunday morning I woke up to an msn message form my ex that said that he couldn't stop thinking about sleeping with me.

THe funny thing is one of my biggest problems in our relationship was the sex. I never got it enough.. he never cared and I was miserable. But since we started sleeping together last November, it just has gotten better and better. I think it comes from having no concerns, knowing that you aren't going to say or do anything that threatens losing the other person, or being judged by the other prson. That you come together for that simple gratification and comfort.

we slept together once every one or two moths, he'd drive down, spend a night or two here and then go home. It was like having a boyfriend for that one or two days and then being single again. About 5 months ago he came over and we ended up fighting. He told me that he couldn't handle that I always acted like he was my boyfriend when he came over. That he wasn't.


So i hadn't seen him in 5 months. We had been talking, and I had since told him that he would always be that guy for me. Nothing was going to change. That sex with him was different whether he wanted to think otherwise or not. But that when he was here, that I couldn't change that.

See for me there is a fine balance. When it comes to sex... there are times where I will admit I feel used. I know that this will come as a shock to some of you because I sound like this woman who just doesn't give a shit when it comes to sex... but I do... and i have had days where I feel totally discusted and taken advantage of.. that I wish the guy would call, but know he won't ever because it was just sexual gratification for him. Ironically I do the same thing... I can also sleep with someone and it not mean a damn thing.... it is purely sexual gratification.

The point is, i think that i am admitting that behind it all i still want that connection. That even if its a one night stand it makes me sad that I am trying to find that connection so badly that I sleep with a stranger to comfort that need, its coupled with a sexual need, but its physical and emotional too.
TANGENT.. sorry...

So anyways, with an ex its different, for me. I don't want to be just another girl, I mean he certainly isn't just another guy for me. There's a connection that you can't get with a stranger.

So... now that I've rambled on.. I will get to my point. He came over... and .... like I had been chasing it for so long.. I knew exactly where to find it. It was amazing. It was just what I needed. It was dirty, and fun, and exciting, and sensual and comfortable and connected and kinky... all wrapped up into knowing the other person, and enjoying every moment of the experience. He didn't sleep over. He left and although I wish he would stay longer its one of those things. Brings you back to sanity. Satisfies an urge and allows you to get back to what matters in your life.

So the great sex I was looking for? was right where I left it... knowing that its very hard to find that great sex without the attachment and connection that comes from really knowing someone.

I guess I had just gotten to a point where I was so horny I lost sight of thats what I had realized over the past five months. That really i didn't want to be that girl anymore. That I want the intimacy, I want that real connection... and that it takes time. You can't just get that from a one night stand.

That because of my impatience to satisfy that need, i .. ironically have probably prolonged being single.... But i suppose that's what life is all about.. growing.