330 am reminder its ok to feel.

Oh my god. I just wrote for an hour and it's gone...ugh... I wrote all about how I woke up in so much pain at 330am, couldn't move, baby started crying... Had to feed baby in dark while can't look down, turn my head from side to side or hold her up in my arms.... Wrote how the last time I felt this kind of stiffness was the day after I said good but to my biological father... And it gradually getting worse from the time we said goodbye.

I wrote about how he had given me the lantern for James, and signed the book he gave me... My first gift from him, Anam Cara, of which I have lost since getting pregnant.

I wrote about how I've lost three things dear to my heart in the past year, the book, my rainbow cupcake hat and my cross stitch. Gone. Ugh.

I wrote about how the ferry he gave us tickets for and we were in a rush to get to ended up being out of commission for a few weeks and how the quick goodbye was good for us.

I wrote how we drove up the malahat to Nanaimo through the rain.... And how the weather reflected my mood... then west past goats on a roof, through the old growth forest, to port albeirni where a rainbow came out .  where again the weather reflected my mood...Through the mountains and into rain soaked, but clear skies, tofino

I wrote about our campsite and meeting these 2 men who were camping across from us by means of a solar powered rainbow light in a bottle....it's a really cool story.

And then james' alarm went off for work. I gave him D to cuddle with for a minute.. hugged them both and took her back to feed her... And went back to finish my post, to find it gone. Disparue. Every word gone. And I don't have the time to write it again. Ugh.

I woke up at 330 am in so much pain and remembered the last time I felt this stiff. It was when I said goodbye to my father.

That night I woke up in equally the same amount of pain as tonight at probably about 330am. In a wet tent on the earth and whimpered to myself as I lay in agony. The next morning it had gotten So great...so bad... I was in so much pain... I got stoned and finally gave into crying.

Britt came and sat with me and I talked out my emotions and just cried. Happy sad. The rainbow. And the pain went away.

So here I am. Happy sad. So I held my baby and cried... Then handed her over to james and went out under the almost full moon and cried... And stretched and tried to relax my body... And cried. This is hard this mom stuff. And I miss my mom... And  my dad... And my step dad.

I am trying to keep the baby happy and everyone else... And I don't know how to keep me. I feel overwhelmed and grateful. I feel annoyed and think it's all funny, I am dark and light, yin and yang and I haven't cried in 2 months.

So I cried a little and feel a little better.... And then wrote and it all down and it disappeared...ugh.... . And now the baby is crying again, just pooped and I have to get up to drive James to work and feed this baby before we go. And my neck still feels stiff. Motherhood..2 months in. Lol

Maybe when I get back I'll try and let more go. Let more emotions rise to the surface. Let the pressure built in my shoulders find some release. Cry.

Baby D - sleep deprivation.

I had a baby... I got pregnant, carried her for 10 months and then pushed her tiny body out of mine. It's crazy.

That's what I say to everyone.. this is one hell of a ride this transition into parenting. The first month and a half seemed to go by pretty smoothly. Somehow I found the time to sleep...maybe not eat all so well but Most importantly I found the time to sleep.

Lately I find myself being  cranky. Everything ia starting to bug me...my house is a mess and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. All I can do is say... I'm frustrated.

Last week my partner worked 75 hours. How can I expect him to do anything when he gets home but unwind and sleep? Ah sleep... How I miss thee.

The first 6 weeks I didn't count how much i slept, but James worked in the evenings... So we would atleast sleep in and Delilah was good with that... But the past 2 weeks he got a new job where he has to be there for 630 and be picked up at 4. So we barely sleep. I dont see him and I feel like I'm slowly falling a part.

I have found in the 3 years of being together we only get frustrated with each other when we don't see each other.... We are there again.

And Delilah has decided that she wants to feed constantly again. So I must leave this here. And go feed my tiny milk gremlin.

The next chapter. Baby delilah. Writing

I came across a mom blog this morning that listed the 20 things you need to know for your first week of having a new born. I laughed.

I could relate to some of it... But also in reading it I realized that if I just open up to being vulnerable again I have so much to share.

I debated starting a new blog... Or continuing the one that I started to meet my dad. Fullcircleadventure.blogspot.com

Because this is for sure a full circle adventure. I again... Hesitate to write here because it will bring people back to the person I once was... Back to the person that exists inside me... But alas that it my story...

I'm dreading October because that's the month I run out of maternity leave...I was on EI since October and although working at the gas station this spring while taking James to welding school every day...I didn't manage to accumulate enough hours to get maternity after the year is done... And it's done in October.

And my partner wants to be home this winter with the baby... Take the rest of my parental leave... But finding a job here in the middle of cottage country in the winter has proven quite the feat.... So I need to figure something else out... I want to make money writing... But building the confidence to make that happen feels almost impossible... So i mine as well start where I've left off.... And maybe it will all pan out...

Writing in my journal seems almost impossible balancing a baby on the boob a pen and a book... But maybe embracing this forum again will allow me to write.. I can type and hold my cell with one hand.... So here is to the next chapter. Baby Delilah. The ups and downs. The embarrassments and the triumphs. This is our story. How fabulous you really look!