you are in others, others are in you. FB convo

I posted this picture on my facebook today, this is the conversation that ensued. I felt I articulated myself well so felt that it was an appropriate post. 

• S:  I don't believe that. I resent child abusers and rapists. I resent acts of violence against defenseless people and animals. I resent greed. Bigotry. Racism and homophobia. All of these things I strongly react to...and they are not a part of who I am.

  
  
• J: Touché, 
  But this thought totally joins with my theory on the causes of homophobia.

  
  
• 

  Me:  it;s recognizing that you have that in you.. that you have the ability to be ignorant and thus cause pain to others..... that your pain and your reactions to it are the same as others..... that for the most part you choose to conduct yourself in a way that is in alignment with love... but regardless you still have the crappy parts buried inside you.... we are no different than anyone else... our life experience just brings different human responses to the surface... but being human doesn't change from person to person.
• J: -  "We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." - Anais Nin.

  
  
• ME :  I held the same belief you did for years...the exercise is more the day to day things.... the more I look at the things that I react to, the more I let go of what I react to, allowing myself the space to be happy...i actually watch whenever something bothers me... and ask myself if it;s something I do too...but can't admit to... and usually - it is..even if it's something i did a a child who didn't know better... . like getting upset about the dishes not being done...they are not done because I haven't done them... anything I am upset about brings awareness to parts of myself that I don't particularly like... hate for an abuser is no different than the abusers hate for themselves.. it perpetuates the pain.. and eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind.... is a very REAL statement... .. if you had grown up being tortured with no love.... you too may have grown up to be an asshole. babies are not born to hate.... they learn that.... compassion is the only way to peace. the only way. and the only way that happens is to become fully integrated into yourself and realize that being human is the human experience... that you reside in everyone and everyone resides in you.... the moment you know how to defeat your enemy is the moment you love them. true... and horribly difficult to accept. BUT it's all a balance.... and you know your own truth.... whatever works for you is the best way.... this is just what I have come to accept over the past year.... and I am happier than I have ever been... but that's all the evidence I have... my own experience. love you. xoxoxoxox

  
  
•  I have been trying to cultivate this kind of compassion within myself lately as well. It is so healing to be able to hold your temper when something upsets you and instead try to see the truth behind the other person's actions. 
  You are such a nurturing little sage, Amanda 

  
  
• S: she really is. 

  
  
• Me: thanks for letting me share, I know what I think is quite weird and abstract... but I have learned so much about being human over the past few years.. and its an evolution...I appreciate being able to attempt to articulate all the thoughts in my head in a way that is palatable and still respects the idea that those kind of negative actions are wrong... I suppose I chew little pieces.... I'll share two realizations that I have had recently - they are raw thoughts and I haven't figured out how to completely accept them yet.. or even if they are fully the truth... BUT. 1. I fight with myself and others when I can;t let go of people that hurt me. 2. I get so angry when someone hurts me that I know loves/adores me. Both of these realizations have been looong drawn out conversations with myself and the conclusions I have come to hypothesize about myself... and consequently others is: 1. I love unconditionally and I have been hating myself and the universe for making me the kind of person that would love someone when they have done attrociously mean things to me. 2. I have always trusted people off the bat and it breaks my heart when someone makes a mistake big enough to get me to stop trusting them.... I hate not being able to trust people I love and thus have hated myself for wanting to stop trusting them. and so have spent years trying to find that trust again within myself... battling over keeping people in my life that are so disconnected from their heart and so unconscious that they behave in a way that directly hurts me. The truth is, they don't trust themselves and because of their own fears its a space in their behaviour that they are directly unconscious of... and perhaps? I can finally reach a point where I value my own ability to assess situations in a reasonable way that allows me the freedom to love others, even those that cause hurt -

  
  
• Me:  well that was an intense moment inside my head, trying to articulate that... the second was a thought I had last night... so it's the first time I've written it down.

  
  

update - February - SOOOO IN LOVE

It's amazing how the roller coaster has gone down over the past couple of months.... I am sooo in love and I've been soo low and sooo high in the past 2 months.... getting fired from a receptionsit job left me feeling reasonably suicidal.. but what I have come to see that my lows don't last for more than an afternoon now.. I finally, have the capacity to find the lesson, the positive the space to be thankful for uncomfortable experiences quicker than ever before, which is leading me more and more in to the arms of happiness.. and for that I am always greatful.

My life continues to unfold in a manner I could never even have imagined... and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I am willing to let go of all control over my life and allow myself to let it unfold exactly as it will... with no judgement.... with the simple stregth of loving every moment... regardless of the light or dark of it.... bringing my own ligt to each moment... my own love and my own vision for the light and love I want to create around me...

I wrote an email to T today... it so elloquently summarized where I am at, I thought I would share it as my recent update with the recognition that all cannot be documented when you want to live it. when you want to experience it.. so this is my attempt to share where I am and how far I have evolved.

*****
Mr. Smith, 

I have a faint recollection that your birthday is in February and if I remember correctly.... you may in fact be turning 40 this year.... you popped into my head today and so I thought I would send you a early/belated birthday message :)

I hope things are working themselves out for you and that life is finally starting to look up. 

I am rediculously in love ... fantasizing about Saturday market days, growing flowers in the garden and eventually finishing nursing school. 

My friend Jules and I have gotten considerably closer in the past month and she is moving up here just got a puppy and is going to take some repose at our house and help with decorating and making the space more homey. She was offered a job on Haida Gwaii - the queen charlotte islands... and told me that she would love if I came with her when I am done school.... so that seems how the trip out west will unfold..... all in its right timing. 

I finally just got a job as a PSW at the local retirement home which basically means I play games with old people during my shifts.. which is so much fun.. and I have an interview this Friday with an organization that supports young adults with learning difficulties which I am suuuper stoked about because it seems like it's an organization that may actually support who I am, so that's cool. 

My best friend is having a baby shower this weekend  so J.A. and I are heading there... I am soooo excited. I have known this woman since we were born. Our mother's were best friends....(this is the girl who got married last new years) so it's letting the love in even more 

This whole relationship and now with Jules around has been incredibly educational, observing where I push love away, where I get triggered, what I get upset about and cause disagreement when I don't need to... I have some how gained the capacity to see things happen before they happen and recognize how I create the very situation I am scared of in the first place.. which has allowed me to allow this entire thing to simply unfold as it should. 

We've been together for 4 months now and not a mean word between us.... I never knew someone could love me the way he does.... and all because I learned to love and honour myself :) 

With Jules around I have been finally talking about what happened over the past 2 years. She was so upst with me sending you letters when you were obviously not interested in me at all... she was so worried about me and pittied me so much.. all last year that she refused to let me even talk about it... and so now she finally understands that I had to do it to figure my self out and my issues... to get me here so she's more open to me sharing.. which has been very interesting because I am very honest with J.A. too about what happened and how I felt about you.. and what it was like to be so in love with someone that didn't want anything to do with me back... and how that makes me fearless and cautious in this relationship.. all at the same time. 

I am so happy and I am so thankful for you and the space you created for me... that this jouney has unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to... guiding me to my own heart I wrote yesterday on my facebook wall :

*****

Is completely overwhelmed at the result of my choices in life... can't even begin to express the joy, calm and love I am experiencing.. I have battled for 6 months with quitting nursing school. The day I made the decision felt like a suffocating weight was lifted from me. I have wondered if I did the right thing for myself for 6 months.... with everyone around me feeling like I just went and train wrecked my life.... I am FINALLY coming to see the beautiful results of my choice to say 'ENOUGH'. I will always... from NOW ON... ALWAYS choose myself, my comfort, my happiness over EVERYTHING else.

With giving up having to control my life, my future.. accepting how I feel in the moment and listening to that inner voice, making choices based solely on that wise, educated voice... The life that I want for myself is finally in grasp. The 10 years of lonliness, of dating countless men who could never understand me, who wanted me to be different.. who couldn't let me love them ... of losing friends who won't talk to me, or explain WTF. I have finally found a man who adores me and a friend who understands me in a way I could only dream about 5 years ago.

and it's 2 degrees outside  SPRING IN THE KAWARTHAs.... soooo exciting  it's all about timing - you just have to follow the cues of life... and take it at the pace life wants for you... stop resisting the natural flow of things.... stop judging the natural flow of things.... you have NO IDEA what you are missing by controlling your life... by planning every detail.... by organizing every little thing... the beauty of life lies in the moments where it has complete control.. and you are just patiently watching.

Finally everything is paying off. A job where people are lovely and supportive, a house that is almost uncomfortably full of love. cats, dogs, chickens, ducks, puppies, plants.... me. FULL.

Soon. Soon.

I am sooo excited to meet my father, full, complete, not wanting anything. Just wanting to give love.

I've been unbelievably broken for sooo many years. Like a bell rang out the night my mother died and my head has been rattling inside that bell for 10 years.... finally. Finally I resonate with the bell... 

Thanks mum for letting me explore life so vigilantly when I was young so I survived your death. you made me this wonderful, open person and I wouldn't be her if it weren't for you... I love you sooooooo much. I just wish I could share all this with you. xoxoxox

love from ONTARIO

******

and that sort of summarizes everything. 

I had a vision a couple days ago of you and your girls and I finally meeting and you being able to come out to the farm with them.. and hang out with me, J.A. and our friends..... that perhaps somewhere in the space between us there is a space for friendship... but I did tell you in November that I would not pressure you and I will honour that promise. 

Well my dear, I hope you are happy ... maybe even in love? and that your birthday was/is as beautiful as you are.... you are sooo good. inherently beautiful... you created the blueprint for me.. you raised the bar..... and I am happy because of it. 

xoxo

angels on your pillow. 

The world was made a better place... and my life all the better for having met you... I completely celebrate the difference you have already made on this planet..... Happy. Birth. Day. 

love