The new moon.

I think I may have finally found the space. The space that allows me to still believe that those moments we shared will never be surpassed by another human being... or experience ... and not being resentful...and not trying to convince myself that I'm crazy to feel the way I do... and not longing either... not being hopeful... but not being scared.... not being hurt and not blaming you... not being cynical about men...or love...and not staying attached where the thought of losing you forever is literally painful....

The only way I can describe it is being completely present. Not thinking about the days we spent together or the pain of being rejected and ignored...and not thinking about being a failure...not thinking about the future and having anxiety about running into you...or of having hope about one day you figuring your shit out.

Its honestly not thinking at all... just being in the moment.

I spent an hour and a half tonight watching the sunset. I spent 12 hours at the hospital talking primarily with a Greek woman who didn't say anything in English to me until the end when I said... 'you like me? :)' and she replied ' yes, I like you' in a thick Greek accent. I spent the past few days being completely random... spontaneously going back to Guelph for a night... and working 6 days last week.... I suppose I am finally coming to a point where the shit from the past 8 months has totally put everytging into perspective.... and the only way to be truly happy is to lose all judgement of every moment.. and just flow... without comparison.

A deeply different place than I have ever been before.

A deep calmness with no brain chatter... just the sound of this voice.... and the birds and frogs in the background.

You know this journey has been an incredible lesson in watching how I can tell myself to feel a certain way all I want... but until I find the space in my being.... I feel the way I do... that I spent so much time hating on you for ignoring me and hating on myself for going back for more... when all we both were doing was following our hearts.

  Meeting you was very auspicious...and since meeting you I have learned things about myself I would have never known had it not been for all these random things. Its been so difficult because I have been being stretched beyond my wildest capabilities.

  I asked the universe to make me whole.

The day I met you... when I told you.. 'if I think you are who I think you are...This is going to be the most painful experience we will ever go through... because everything I don't like about you is everything I don't like about me... and everything you don't like about me is going to be something you don't like about yourself.' I prepared myself somehow psychologically to take on as big a storm as I could...to make me whole .

I think what I have come to realize about wholeness its letting go of all the excuses you have to not feeling loved. To letting love come in and over flow... regardless of the situation... and accepting life to exist. Coming to realize that even if I never find a life partner, or am able to raise children...even if every person I have ever and will ever love, abandons me... I will somehow survive.... that I trust myself to figure it out... no matter what.

That me on my own works much better than some whole families... that I dance to a different beat.... and I can always rely on myself....independence I guess. Recognizing that I am the most independent woman I know.... I have come to really know myself over the past year.

The universe constantly challenging me to observe myself in the most uncomfortable situations... like Cody getting his friend to call me to tell me he was really sick. .. even though I hadn't seen him in 4 years and we were never even super close....to talking to him about death and honouring myself...to accepting there was nothing I could do to save him....and that he plays a piece in the vastness of life. to taking care of L. the weekend her daughter died.

My best friend not talking to me for 7 months... and experience meeting one guy after another that just vanishes. I have been able to witness myself in cycle after cycle after cycle of the same trigger and the same behaviour... I'm not fully there yet... but I notice myself being aware of things that trigger me and delving into why....to be able to define what scares me and abate my fears... I guess? T. I have never felt so light. So accepting of life.... just letting go of all expectations and just having a deep knowing that my life will be born out of the all mighty creativity that feeds it.... and that I never wanted a boring life.... so I haven to take every risk I can...and be OK with it...however it works out.

I do not claim to be strong enough yet for this feeling to stick through everything...because of course I still have triggers.... but its gotten far easier to observe and let go than ever before in my life. I'm sitting under the stars right now... listening to the frogs chirping.... thinking I'm the luckiest girl in the world :)

I can't wait til the fireflies come out. Miraculously I got through 8 months of being unemployed in nursing school... that I somehow figured out how to keep my apartment in the country and I'm brave enough to live here on my own come june.... that I can survive anything....and I have no regrets so I'm willing to die at any time too.... And ultimately to accept the pace of my own beat...the pace of everyone else's beat...and the depth of love I have...of gratitude.

  I have tentative plans for the future... but ultimately I think its being prepared for anything... and knowing that ill survive....and flourish no matter what I have to leave behind. That I believe in myself...in my life and that I know the truth. Its a profound new moon for me. Presence. A.

the debilitating fear of being vulnerable

So.. I have felt anxious all day... progressively it got worse.. until tonight... I feel empty.. like my gas tank is on empty around men... I feel like I have just loved these men who have been so mean to me... I love them so much and they ignore me. All of them. They just ignore me... they don't give a shit how I am doing. They don't give a shit about me... and yet I know they care about me... its totally fucked up.

I am in a very deep feeling-sorry-for-myself place right now.... I am definately starting to feel really lonely again.

I just wrote this letter to T. and told myself I can't send it.
*******

t.,

Today my friends wanted to go to the park, they suggested the one in front of your house and I refused to go... I told them that I am terrified to run into you that I am embarrassed and still in love with you.. that I feel crazy and that I just can't. Then the voice in my heart said "A.... you can't be scared of a park... seriously? you didn't do anything wrong... it'll be ok.. this is silly... you can't be scaredof T..."

I told my friends that I realized I was being rediculous so I went to the park... I had anxiety all day... in fact I have been realizing that my anxiety is been increasing more and more lately... especially when I am out.

I am terrified to run into you...

but I tell myself constantly that its rediculous... it goes away.. but then keeps coming back and I can't seem to shake it.

these past 8 months have been insane for me... I have had the worst year of my life.. and then to have had this weird thing happen with you.. I'm just so confused... I know everything happens for a reason.. I know that I am going through this for a reason... I know that its all happening exactly as it should and yet Im fucking terrified.

and the worst part is I have no idea what I am so terrified about.

I hate that I shared so much of myself..thinking that if I just kept sharing my feelings that you would realize that none of us are perfect.. and that you are lovable anyways... that there is nothing about you that can't be loved... I guess I was also sharing it all because I was forcing myself to do what scared me the most so I wouldn't be so scared of life anymore...

I keep telling myself that my decisions to stay in contact was because I had to see.... I had to try.... I remind myself that there was a 0.000000000001% chance that by me exposing who I really was to you.. that you would actually remember that feeling you felt on the porch... and there was a 99.999999999% chance I would chase you as far away as humanly possible away from me... I weighed it... even if for a split second... and that I can't be mad or embarrassed for myself for trying. .. and yet I am.

I keep thinking back to when you actually wrote me... and we talked for those couple of days... it felt so good to know that you were ok... and then when you started to get weird about me wanting to see you... I was so hurt.... that I felt I had earned atleast your communication... I wanted to desperately to see you... that I ruined any chance to .. and yet I didn't want to just be ok with you not recognizing how hard all this was for me... as I am writing this I am feeling really selfish.. and stupid.

I told you that I could handle however you were.. and that we didn't have to see eachother and then I got mad when you couldn't handle it.

I guess I want to be this super strong person who gets it... but I am just trying to figure it out as I go along... and clearly I lied.. I couldn't handle it.  

I feel like I did something wrong.. that I fucked this up right royally.. that I totally misunderstood that feeling I felt.. and have felt.

I can't explain how much you confuse me... I can't explain how difficult this has been on me... and how confused I am that I still care for you and don't hate you.. its like I can't.. everytime I want to hate you... cut you out of my heart and my memory like I do with the men in my life that have hurt me... I can't.... I feel like a prisoner to constantly making a fool out of myself.

The worst part is I have NO IDEA about how Any of anything i have said has landed.

I just had to assume that after all the letters in the fall when you wrote me again.. it meant something.. it meant that you still cared... you wanted to.. but you just couldn't articulate anything.

I don't know what I was thinking... I just need you to tell me something. please. I will always wonder if you just think I am a crazy person.. or if any of anything I ever wrote you made any positive impact in your life. Please just tell me that.

I just want something real with someone. I am craving ONE PERSON that I can be 100% honest with... just one person. everyone else is so fucking fake and judgemental and negative... I just want one person who understands me. I think you do and that's why I can't let go.... because I think you are the first and only person I have ever met that just understands me...

I'm so hurt... its painful to think about you.. I have to actively force myself to tell myself that I must have been wrong.... I have to actively tell myself that I was wrong about you and its painful... its painful to be wrong about you.

I get that you might be at a difficult time in your life.. but your ignoring every single thing I have sent you and written.. I didn't expect you to get back in contact.. but I thought.. trully I thought that you would... you would just see.... that there is no one who will ever be as vulnerable, honest and like you as me... I guess I had hoped that underneath all the bullshit you were really like me and it would be nice to know that you weren't strange.. that you were designed perfectly.

Now I just feel flawed... and I am struggling with my heart right now.. with trusting it.. considering it thought that you were the one.. and that I was obviously completely wrong. I have felt a lot of feelings in my life.. and I had never felt the way I did with you those two nights... nothing had ever felt so comfortable. and now... 8 months out be at a point where I have to convince myself that it was bullshit is totally surreal. I try and convince myself that its not that that wasn't real.. its that you changed your mind... but I feel like I am lying to myself.... its painful to give up. Its the most painful thing I have ever experienced.

I feel hopeless. I feel like if that wasn't real.. if that feeling was bullshit then I will never find the kind of love I am looking for. and that scares me.

I have never had a man make me feel as safe. Its completely ironic that now you scare me the most.

I can only feel like a failure. I'm completely lost.

A.