So sooo much has been happening in my life since I made the decision to go to Korea, everything seems just to fall into place. I'm so happy. There's too much, but I'm going to try to write as much as possible because this is really the only place I really express whats going on for me.
So I guess I'll just write about the most recent changes.
First. I have never been so happy in all my life, I have really gotten to a place where I am thankful! REALLY REALLY thankful for everything that has ever happened to me. And SUPER excited about my futre. Not only about going to Korea but I came across this new business opportunity too that has really opened my eyes to whats possible and I've really started asking myself what I want in my life. Something I've never really done.
A couple weeks ago on a thursday night I asked myself what I wanted t do. I answered.. go to the bar, watch some hockey. Now I realized thatI really enjoy watching sports, but have always equated that with having a boyfriend. So I went to the baar and watched hockey.
The following Sunday I asked myself again the same question and decided to go to watch football. I had so much fun. I hadn't watched football in two years, i went with my book and this group of guys befriended me and I hung out with them all night. It was such good times. And now its become routine. I go to the bar on sundays, they show up, invite me over and we chill out.
Its really great to have some time with the boys too, haven't had that in so long and I really enjoy just chatting cause I can really be one of the boys. shooting the shit, giving a different perspection on things. One things I have realized about myself is that FINALLY i'm not as concerned with impressing people, I just say whats on my mind, and its thrilling. In fact I've been doing it more and more, even if its uncomfortable. I've always been the kind of person that compromises everything to make everyone else happy and always at the expense of myself. So FINALLY realizing what I WANT has allowed me to be straight. I guess I was so preoccupied with everyone else's happiness in the past that I never asked myself what I WANT. So I've found my voice.
As for this busines opportunity it is thrilling I'm wrking with people that I admire and appreciate and respect. Its a company that is really about helping the people around you become financially independent while making you finacially independent too. The idea of helping other people out and in turn taking care of yourself is perfect for me because finally i can put other people first and still not be selling out on myself. I'm so clear about how much i love people, and appreciate people. I just want the best for everyone.
As for my ex. My best friend did the kindest thing for me a week ago, she called me and told me it was ok to care about him to talk about him and that she understood if I couldn't just let him go yet. It was the kindest thing because all of a sudden I no longer had to prove his worth, no longer had to stand up for why we were together for so long and so I'm coming to peace with that chapter of my life and I'm ready to move forward. Give him my love, but not my heart. I realized that he really has had my heart for 4 and a half years and that's most likely why I haven't had a boyfriend cause there was no room in my life for anyone eles. I'm so clear right now what I want and what I deserve its intoxicating that I'm so certain about it, its so much easier to move forward.
This business opportunity has really enabled me to sit down and think about if money were not an issue, what would I want. I realized I want a house in Canada where no matter where I am in the world I have a place to come home to. I want it to be on a lake, with a huge porch and big backyard. I want a games room with a pool table, a bar, a huge tv, soundsystem, dvds, music a place to just chill and relax and have fun. A place where people feel like they want to hang out in.
I want my dream car, I want a bug convertible, banana yellow with a chiquita sticker painted on the back. But then when I started thinking about that I realized that it wouldn't be the most condusive vehicle for me in the boonies. That maybe I want a jeep, and then when I was thinking about the kind of guy I want i realize I love men with trucks and then it dawned on me.. fuck it. I WANT A TRUCK a huge 4x4 pickup truck, so I can go camping and through wood in the back and help people move. I want a kayak I want to be able to travel wherever whenever, I want to have enough money so no matter where I am in the world I can come home anytime for any duration of time. I want to be able to do international development without worrying about money.
I'm so excited about my future. I'm so excited about life. It's thrilling.
But most of all I'm sooo happy, it feels like my heart is just so open it hurts. I'm just in this place where I love myself and everything about my life. So thankful for EVERYTHING.
There's a pride that comes from getting through the hard times, coming out on the other side. Its self assurance, self worth like nothing I've ever experienced. the dalai lama says, that its the tough times in life where we grow the most that's why its so painful.
The book eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert also opened up alot of ideas for me, it has really opened my mind to things and inspired me to just LIVE.
thanks for letting me share!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
men... the bane of my existance.. truly!
So you know how I was talking about Korea and the hardest things in life..the things that you are scared of, are usually the things you ought to do? they are the things that force you to become the person you are meant to be? That you just have to take that leap of faith...
Well, they usually consist of walking away from a safety net. .. walking away from what you know to be normal...what you know to be safe... Well this could be no more true than in the case of my ex-boyfriend.
he's an ass. we all know that. but I cannot help myself but to be a retard around him. I don't know why, other than i must loathe myself or something almost as awful.
He is the addiction i can't kick, he is my guilty pleasure. But more than that why i am the way i am with him kills me.
If you've read any of my history you know that we broke up two years ago. I came back from Africa, and thought we were going to work on things only to find out he was enjoying my time away by moving swiftly on, and not only shagging(pardon my english reference i've been watching a lot of english movies lately) countless girls, but having one in particular move her personal belongings into my/our apartment. As a result, and out of completely rational reasoning I rented a U-Haul and took all my stuff while he was out.
I found myself liberated by this, and yet very very sad. We talked , he threatened to call the police on me, I told him he was an ass, and then I apologized that I broke into our apartment, that I still held keys for(but had left them at my dad's) and taken all my stuff - i left everything he owned - including the futon that i had bought - because we had previously decided that one of us would take the bed, the other would take the futon and i liked the bed better....
that's right - I apologized for finding that this girl had essentially moved in and I had taken my stuff....he told me that that was it and that he couldn't trust me again and said I was so sorry, cried on the phone.....we didn't talk for a couple of months...then he went out east.. we were talking one day on msn I begged him to be honest with me and tell me if he ever cheated on me so that I trust my instinct if it ever happens again. He said that if he tells me the truth no matter what I have to promise that I won't stop talking to him...I promised. he told me he hadn't, then i said ok, then he confessed. It was worse than once or twice... he told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 of the 2.5 years we were together. Yup... nope you didn't read wrong. My initial reaction was to laugh - cry, i was appalled, upset, i didn't know what to think or say or do... I mean I sorta thought something might have happened, but didn't want to believe it... so ya... pissed off, hurt and lonely....
I didn't talk to him for a while and then I'd get drunk and write him these awfully stupid e-mails and texts where I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him...
i basically felt sorry for him.. yes that's right... felt sorry that he couldn't accept my love.. I gave him room... i told him that we could get through this..W I wanted him so badly in my life... and hated him.. i went back and forth with this feeling for months. Telling him to fuck himself and then sending him some kind of demented drunk email. Finally I hit,just about rock bottom last fall and he returned home from New Brunswick. He hadn't seen me in 8 months, I had lost 50 lbs and was feeling very proud of myself, very vulnerable and probably was thinking how lovely it would be to put this all behind us...
he came over, and like the idiot I seem to be with all men, I let him walk back into my life without a moment's pause. One kiss and that was it...not to mention i was having bad luck with men... so OF COURSE...i needed to fuck myself right royally by falling for him all over again, but this time he wasn't a smooth talker.. he was far from that.. and he's been far from that ever since. We sleep together from time to time. He tells me about the girls he's fucking currently and I feel sorry that he doesn't let anyone care about him....
Like I'm some righteous person I think... that by telling him that he can do no wrong in my eyes, and that i'll be there for him no matter what... makes it all go away. That I can get over the fact that he only wants me when he needs me to answer questions about university, to talk to about what is sometimes going on in his life and to fuck from time to time.
Basically I have allowed him to throw me all the leftovers of a good relationship and be happy with it. What kills me more now, is writing this I realize what a complete moron I've been and in fact...reluctant to admit it.. thought I REALLY was being a really nice person and that I could offer him some kind of hope that someone wasn't going to just walk away from him for fucking up.
Now I wonder why my friends didn't walk away from me and my complete stupidity and lack of self-respect.
And no matter what I say and what I try the idea of having him completely out of my life scares the shit out of me... I've never had any guy in my life that loves me, and I guess that I hope that under all his fuck-upd-ness he may actually care about me... and well I guess when you don't have anything else you just hang on.. you let people treat you in a way that you would never let anyone treat anyone you know or love... but you let them treat you like that cause its all you know.
This guy that i slept with once this summer, that I really liked..we talk quite frequently, but haven't seen each other in 4 months, texted me today and said that we couldn't keep talking because he had a girlfriend and that she had found some of my inappropriate texts and that it wasn't right. My response without a moments pause was to write back
"ok. you should have just told me. silly man. good luck"
well the boy called me shortly after and said that his girlfriend was standing over him and to defuse the whole thing he sent that while she was looking. I said that was fine, that there was no problem.. he said, ya that's why i did it, cause i knew that you would be cool, that I could send it to you, then call you and tell you I don't really care. That we've only been dating a couple weeks and that I really don't mind the texting.
My response " _____ don't do that. That's not good. Don't cheat, if she thinks that she's your girlfriend, then don't ruin it. If you've found a good girl, treat her that way. That he just had to tell me, no hard feelings." He said thanks for that. I said that I'm leaving in a couple of months and it would be very nice to see him, go for coffee, keep it innocent. He said that would be nice.
I doubt it will happen. And, to be quite honest, I don't really know if it should cause I don't want to tempt me doing whats been done to me so many times.
So that's me, I would make sure that some stranger is treated properly before I make sure I am.
And so the ridiculousness that is my life. The final thing to taking the safety net from under me. Cutting him out of my life. And why it is that I don't call him right now, is cause everytime I have ever done that, I get drunk and call him and tell him how much I want to see him.... how much I miss him. So I just stopped telling him that i don't want him out of my life cause i don't trust myself to make it stick. Now I just have fun, do my own thing and when i get really lonely I call him up and he comes down
for that day we act like we are together, we make dinner and flirt and have hot steamy, dirty sex, and then he leaves.. he goes back to his life and i go back to mine seeking a little bit of love in any chance meeting... And I am left hoping that one day he'll turn around and say thanks.. that he cares about me and that I could just let go, let go of all the hurt and stop trying to prove myself worthy of love.
i just wish i was brave enough, that sometimes its not really better to have the devil you do know, to just step out and have enough faith. But more than anything I wish that I could just tell him to go fuck himself and trust myself enough to know that when I'm single, drunk and lonely I won't pick up the phone and make an utter fool of myself, yet again.
Men, the bane of my existence.
Letting Go. the hardest thing to do.
Well, they usually consist of walking away from a safety net. .. walking away from what you know to be normal...what you know to be safe... Well this could be no more true than in the case of my ex-boyfriend.
he's an ass. we all know that. but I cannot help myself but to be a retard around him. I don't know why, other than i must loathe myself or something almost as awful.
He is the addiction i can't kick, he is my guilty pleasure. But more than that why i am the way i am with him kills me.
If you've read any of my history you know that we broke up two years ago. I came back from Africa, and thought we were going to work on things only to find out he was enjoying my time away by moving swiftly on, and not only shagging(pardon my english reference i've been watching a lot of english movies lately) countless girls, but having one in particular move her personal belongings into my/our apartment. As a result, and out of completely rational reasoning I rented a U-Haul and took all my stuff while he was out.
I found myself liberated by this, and yet very very sad. We talked , he threatened to call the police on me, I told him he was an ass, and then I apologized that I broke into our apartment, that I still held keys for(but had left them at my dad's) and taken all my stuff - i left everything he owned - including the futon that i had bought - because we had previously decided that one of us would take the bed, the other would take the futon and i liked the bed better....
that's right - I apologized for finding that this girl had essentially moved in and I had taken my stuff....he told me that that was it and that he couldn't trust me again and said I was so sorry, cried on the phone.....we didn't talk for a couple of months...then he went out east.. we were talking one day on msn I begged him to be honest with me and tell me if he ever cheated on me so that I trust my instinct if it ever happens again. He said that if he tells me the truth no matter what I have to promise that I won't stop talking to him...I promised. he told me he hadn't, then i said ok, then he confessed. It was worse than once or twice... he told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 of the 2.5 years we were together. Yup... nope you didn't read wrong. My initial reaction was to laugh - cry, i was appalled, upset, i didn't know what to think or say or do... I mean I sorta thought something might have happened, but didn't want to believe it... so ya... pissed off, hurt and lonely....
I didn't talk to him for a while and then I'd get drunk and write him these awfully stupid e-mails and texts where I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him...
i basically felt sorry for him.. yes that's right... felt sorry that he couldn't accept my love.. I gave him room... i told him that we could get through this..W I wanted him so badly in my life... and hated him.. i went back and forth with this feeling for months. Telling him to fuck himself and then sending him some kind of demented drunk email. Finally I hit,just about rock bottom last fall and he returned home from New Brunswick. He hadn't seen me in 8 months, I had lost 50 lbs and was feeling very proud of myself, very vulnerable and probably was thinking how lovely it would be to put this all behind us...
he came over, and like the idiot I seem to be with all men, I let him walk back into my life without a moment's pause. One kiss and that was it...not to mention i was having bad luck with men... so OF COURSE...i needed to fuck myself right royally by falling for him all over again, but this time he wasn't a smooth talker.. he was far from that.. and he's been far from that ever since. We sleep together from time to time. He tells me about the girls he's fucking currently and I feel sorry that he doesn't let anyone care about him....
Like I'm some righteous person I think... that by telling him that he can do no wrong in my eyes, and that i'll be there for him no matter what... makes it all go away. That I can get over the fact that he only wants me when he needs me to answer questions about university, to talk to about what is sometimes going on in his life and to fuck from time to time.
Basically I have allowed him to throw me all the leftovers of a good relationship and be happy with it. What kills me more now, is writing this I realize what a complete moron I've been and in fact...reluctant to admit it.. thought I REALLY was being a really nice person and that I could offer him some kind of hope that someone wasn't going to just walk away from him for fucking up.
Now I wonder why my friends didn't walk away from me and my complete stupidity and lack of self-respect.
And no matter what I say and what I try the idea of having him completely out of my life scares the shit out of me... I've never had any guy in my life that loves me, and I guess that I hope that under all his fuck-upd-ness he may actually care about me... and well I guess when you don't have anything else you just hang on.. you let people treat you in a way that you would never let anyone treat anyone you know or love... but you let them treat you like that cause its all you know.
This guy that i slept with once this summer, that I really liked..we talk quite frequently, but haven't seen each other in 4 months, texted me today and said that we couldn't keep talking because he had a girlfriend and that she had found some of my inappropriate texts and that it wasn't right. My response without a moments pause was to write back
"ok. you should have just told me. silly man. good luck"
well the boy called me shortly after and said that his girlfriend was standing over him and to defuse the whole thing he sent that while she was looking. I said that was fine, that there was no problem.. he said, ya that's why i did it, cause i knew that you would be cool, that I could send it to you, then call you and tell you I don't really care. That we've only been dating a couple weeks and that I really don't mind the texting.
My response " _____ don't do that. That's not good. Don't cheat, if she thinks that she's your girlfriend, then don't ruin it. If you've found a good girl, treat her that way. That he just had to tell me, no hard feelings." He said thanks for that. I said that I'm leaving in a couple of months and it would be very nice to see him, go for coffee, keep it innocent. He said that would be nice.
I doubt it will happen. And, to be quite honest, I don't really know if it should cause I don't want to tempt me doing whats been done to me so many times.
So that's me, I would make sure that some stranger is treated properly before I make sure I am.
And so the ridiculousness that is my life. The final thing to taking the safety net from under me. Cutting him out of my life. And why it is that I don't call him right now, is cause everytime I have ever done that, I get drunk and call him and tell him how much I want to see him.... how much I miss him. So I just stopped telling him that i don't want him out of my life cause i don't trust myself to make it stick. Now I just have fun, do my own thing and when i get really lonely I call him up and he comes down
for that day we act like we are together, we make dinner and flirt and have hot steamy, dirty sex, and then he leaves.. he goes back to his life and i go back to mine seeking a little bit of love in any chance meeting... And I am left hoping that one day he'll turn around and say thanks.. that he cares about me and that I could just let go, let go of all the hurt and stop trying to prove myself worthy of love.
i just wish i was brave enough, that sometimes its not really better to have the devil you do know, to just step out and have enough faith. But more than anything I wish that I could just tell him to go fuck himself and trust myself enough to know that when I'm single, drunk and lonely I won't pick up the phone and make an utter fool of myself, yet again.
Men, the bane of my existence.
Letting Go. the hardest thing to do.
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