it has been a bumpy road for me... I would like to say its only been over the past few months... but in fact it has been a consistent struggle my whole life... to be me in the face of the ignorance that exists throughout society.
i am 30 years old, have a university education, speak 3 languages, have lived in 5 countries and have travelled to 11. i have a deep sense and understanding of sciences and spirituality and i am again back to serving... which at this point isnt even covering rent.
Like everything in life there are various reasons... one of the ones i am blatantly aware of right now is a crippling fear that i cant quite articulate... but i have noticed that when someone isnt happy with their job i can come up with so many different ideas for them... but when it comes to me im paralyzed... as though my circumstances are an obligation i must fulfill... or some other version of that.
Going nursing school i came to realize the brokeness of the system and the intense fear of being different, of thinking outside the box.... of challenging a system run by women who have functioned in a world where everything is black and white.... hypocrites to their own theory.
I quit nursing school in August.... its been 2 months since that day and i am only now starting to be able to speak about it.
With the lack of rational support i have been left saddened by my experience and angered on a deep and profound level that has left me silent to the truth.... as though i am scared of the repercussions to my actions.
Even now I find myself hesitating with the fear of how writing my truth will impact my future.... and yet, i suppose... the experiences i have come to live over the past few years... along with the space i have given myself have allowed me the time to analyze the course of my life and question my experience in order to develop realizations, hypotheses and conclusions of both life and medicine.
My computer is broken and i havent had enough money to fix it, most people in my life believe that my decision to quit nursing school has been a waste and sympathy has been less than obvious...and yet in my heart i know it was a necessary step to being able to be an observer and write my truth from a place free from an obligation to be loyal to the profession.
I am an amazing nurse. i have letters from patients and verbal statements from staff to preceptors that who i am is special..and i have an uncanny ability to nurture and support individuals in their experience...so why did i feel pressured to not continue my studies and remain small?
I do not regret my education, nor do i regret quitting although the fear of not being able to pay novembers rent and pay back all my loans scares the shit out of me.
I suppose it has been this journey that has afforded me the insight to share.
the system is broken. More than i would like to admit. the pressure to be perfect when the imperfections of individuals is what allows for change is at the root of the issue... never having been a paid nurse nor acquire the title leaves me spellbound in how the system has ever evolved.
One of the most critical reasons i applied for nursing school was that i believed that WHO I AM is a nurse. My life experience and my ability to be self aware has afforded me the ability to recognize what people need, when they, themselves do not know.My experiences have built a deep sense of relatability and compassion that i rarely see and it is for this reason that i feel my story needs to be shared.
I haven't written in a long time because the emotional toil all this has had on me has brought me to a place where internal reflection has been my sanctuary and i do not condemn my experience as it has taught me an unprecedented amount about who I am and the life i want to lead.
accepting my own decision was the most difficult aspect of all this. To acknowledge the deep suffering in my heart every day i went to a clinical placement and to accept that my heart could no longer justify the bullying that i experienced for an inevitable pay check and financial security. I saw how misunderstood i was and saw a future that would never let up i gave in to the inevitable and decided to drop out in the face of failing with only 4 days left in my clinical in my second last semester.
Anxiety riddled me and working in mental health, i was hyper aware of what too much stress and the attempt to fit into a world that didnt understand me could eventually have on my mental health
.Acute mental health is a farce in our medical system. it is being managed by individuals who refuse to look at their own shit... in fact the entire medical profession is run by hypocrites, disconnected from their own Experience.... and how can we expect any less when the entire medical model is based on the body as a machine..
I fell in love with nursing while reading theory on wholistic care and on how the wellbeing of the ENTIRE individual is paramount to wellbeing...and yet with a patient to staff ratio that is appaling and the lack of support for the nurse...wholistic care is an intangible dream. Not to mention when individuals like myself with knowledge and experience that can contribute are left criticized and misunderstood.
The truth is... mental health is of paramount importance to physical health. .. and what i have found is that without a drastic shift in our way of thinking and care we will continue to see illnesses rise and care decline.
From my perspective we have been tackling health care from the wrong end... from a reactionary perspective when it...in most cases is too late.
Mental health is directly tied to spiritual and physical wellbeing and through the course of my life i have come to see as well as accumulate a vast scientific as well as experiential evidence that i am..... and ultimately my mother was right.
I am at a full circle moment in life....where i can see the journey my life has taken has brought me to this point where i have something deep and profound to share...the answer to my life's question.... how do i not die at 56 like my mother.?..who am I? and was my mother correct in her beliefs?.
these answers came from a deep belief that my mother died for a reason...that my life in all its chaos has had a divine purpose and if i am true to myself that reason will expose itself eventually.
That reason and the subsequent knowledge i have ascertained is where i am now...and i suppose i am greatful for everything that has happened to me because it has brought me here. I quit nursing school finally because the most recent complaint made againat me was that i ask too many questions... ifbyou were to ask any of my peers they would share that i am one of very few students that would ask questions and that this behaviour is one of the traits that sets me apart. The irony is that when i attended university the first time i was scared to ask questions....but when returning to school i made a pact with myself that i would never be too afraid to admit i do not know...understand...or in some cases feel sure enough in my conclusions....and would be courageous enough to ask...
When i was a kid i would ask questions that i knew the answers to because i knew if i was scared, having known the answer the students who didnt know would never have the courage. I accepted that about myself and went off to nursing school believing that quality would ensure my success.... the irony that it was ultimately my downfall. It was stated to me that it demonstrated a lack of confidence and took up too much of my preceptors time... an appaling accusation for a student.... at the time i agreed but could not sway the fear it had instilled in me...to ask too many questions and fail or to NOT ask the right one and make a mistake and fail....a catch 22 in failure i accepted defeat.
I believe it is my courage to question everything and my desire to be as knowledgeable as possible that will ultimately change the world....that it is these traits that make me unique and ultimately an enormous asset to an organization that needs to implement change....and yet i failed because of them. How can we raise individuals to be inovative and creative if we do not encourage their learning? How do we change a system when we are unwillinh to challenge its flaws?
One of the most tangible ironies of my experience can be seen in the teaching of individualized care....that current nursing theory exposes that care must be provided on an individual basis...that each person is unique in their experince... and yet.... each nursing student is not treated as such. How can one treat patients as unique indivuals when they themselves have never experienced it?
It demonstrates the lack of awareness of the profession and exposes a lack of self awareness on the individual overseeing the education.
I have come to see that no change can happen in a system unless the individuals in that system are willing and supported in looking at themselves... without internal self awareness there is no foundation for professional self awareness..... and ultimately, in my opinion ....professionalism is a farce and is a quintessential problem that imposes itself on the health and wellbeing of each individual taking part in the profession.
Who i am is because of my experience. it appears to me that the evolution of our humanity lies in our ability to recognize, allow and accept our individuality and recognize that we are contained in one form....that our experiences cannot be compartmentalized. But the older i get the more i see how this legacy of a facade...pretending to be two people....for the sake of a pay check reaps havoc on the individual, the family and ultimately the society as a whole.
I cannot imagine i am at the front of the pack on this awareness and yet when i speak to individuals the idea that one must be two different people one in professionalism and the other in private is rarely questioned. it is simply expected and followed....and i can see how it is killing us.
I dont know why i can see it....i dont know why i have the ability to refuse to break my psyche into two parts...but my hearts desire to stay whole, true and authentic is greater than my need to please and....perhaps that will ensure my financial poverty, but i suppose i would rather die authentic and poor than rich and fake.
It is all pieces of the same issue.... and i dont suppose i will be able to change a social construct that has been passed down from generation to generation....but i dream of a day when the individual is celebrated....and the trials and tribulations of life are not trivialized. which is why i write.
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