September 11, 2013

It's amazing how big an impact this day had on my psyche... that you don't know when everything can change...even when you think you are safe....so live the life you want and enjoy every moment to the best of your ability...

feeling this day and the sorrow in my heart and all the things i have seen about how fearful people became as a result sadens me. with great loss we are able to get a glimpse of what we will regret...when our own end comes.

on this day, in 2001 we stopped as a collective across the glbe and regardless of history, religion, sexual orienrientaion, monetary status, marital status, culture, sex, citizen of any country...

we stood as a global collective and shared our love....and as a collective we were saddened... as a COLLECTIVE we felt our humanity.

we sent our love to the people in the towers. we sent love to their families..we sent love to the emergency workers...we sent love to all of new york...we sent love to the rest of humanity... if only we could harness that... the world would know peace.

love your life... do the things you've always wanted to do... find a way to do your little kid dreams....open your heart to that anything is possible if you want.

where i am at... introduction to the story that was the summer.

its been 2 months since i last wrote... its like i needed to give myself space to process and just live in order to reflect.... the week of august 12 everything came to a head.... something had to give and i ended up dropping nursing school.

im feeling now like letting nursing go is as though i let go of the final lock blockonv me from full self expression....

now the only thing getting in the way of sharing my experiences is myself.
lately i have been in deep reflection and self awareness... attempting to shed light on aspects of my life that i have not understood or been waiting for an answer to .... in the end i am finally seeing the divinity in my life and it is gradually settling in as peace in my heart.
there's a line in eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert where she quotes  Virginia Wolfe and says " across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. on one side of the sword ..she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword , if you're crazy enough  to cross it and and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion' nothing follows a regular . Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existance to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous.'


I read that quote 6 years ago and it resonated with me... and the deeper i go into myself...into who i am.. the more i am forced to accept that who i am... what i want is only what's offered at thr very edge of life... where all my fears and insecurities also lue .. which forces me to a place of accepting that convention, and safety comes at a price of adventure and possibility.

that my life terrifies me... but as i reflect more and more on my life i am finally seeing there is nothing to be acared of... the the unknown is very divine... if i can trust the feeling inside... soething i cant see... and accept the craziness that has forced me to a place where i am letting go of all expectation and convention forthr chance to have a life out of my wildest dreams.

my channeler told me years ago that thisblife was for me to have fun.... quitting school with 4 days left of my preconsolidation was me tellingthe universe i want more.... security isnt worth losing my heart and voice.

people ask me why i quit... there are so many reasons.. and like everything its all in the story. the story of thr summer....