why we can't trust anyone

We can't trust anyone because we have this feeling deep inside us that they are going to betray us. Its what we would probably identify as intuition if we were to actually listen to our intuition. When we meet anyone, there is a small sense of impending doom.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.. but someday... you will leave me.

It is true.

If there is one thing I have come to see about life is that people leave. Whether they are the person at the drive through or the love of your life... there will be a point in your life where you will be on your own, without that person... and even if it is your argument that if you die first, then you won't be alone... well the dying process is one of complete alonenes... aloneness with who you authentically are... no more distractions... there you are.. having to be with the energy that exists inside you... who you authentically are.

Death is what we fear the most.

so when you meet someone this intution pipes up and says... hey.. just so you know this person is going to leave you.... and if they become close to you you tell youself.. somewhere.. that its ok if its only for a short time.. that you will embrace every moment.... but then something happens.. you feel incomplete without them... so if.. when they leave.. you are left feeling incomplete... you forgot that you already bargained with yourself.. you already told yourself that you would be willing to accept the end.. and here you are.. hating on the world for leaving you alone and broken.. AGAIN...

but its all in perspective... you can hate the end... or what do they say? bid it a fond and reverent farewell.. and be thankful for the beautiful moments.. and for the lessons the experience has taught you.

We don't trust anyone because we feel they are going to leave us.

We don't trust anyone because we don't trust ourselves.

Day after day we talk to ourselves like we are all retarded... like we have no clue about ANYTHING... as a society we are soo triggered by that word... retard... because it makes us think of no thought, of no clue... we have banned it from our vocabulary because we recognize that people with disabilities were once considered to have no clue, to have no "proper" thoughts.... HOW REDICULOUS! so then why do we do that to ourselves... if you put a tape receorder on inside your head I would bet a thousand times a day... maybe even hundreds of thousands of times a day you tell yourself about all the things you are not doing well... all the things you wish you could change about yourself... all the things you regret... all the things you wish you could have, or be, or do... we criticize ourselves for our past, we criticize and mentally beat the crap out of ourselves.. we act like complete retards.. like we cann't and don't know any better than to treat ourselves like crap.

Ultimately we are always paranoid that we are going to somehow fail ourselves... that our lives didn't turn out the way we planned.. that we failed ourselves along the way.. and so we can't trust ourselves..... we haven't come to see why yet... so we think we screwed up.... and I think... we are ultimately scared of death... the not knowing.. the aloneness... it is our fear of death  that feeds our concerns that we are going to mess up... and its why we can't even trust life... because LIFE is even impermanent... WTF!!!

the one thing we are holding on to like crazy ppl is the one thing that is the most transient of all things.

We can't trust ourselves because we don't see that we have survived so far... we play smaller and smaller and smaller in life... hoping to avoid the pain of the past.. so we convince ourselves that life is dangerous.. when in reality its living the crazy life that fulfills our souls... its risking your life every moment... for being on the edge of life... allowing life to be created in front of ourselves that will have the ultimate answer but thats for another time....

we have forgotten that being born was beating all the odds.. that it was hard! and arduous and painful.. and we survived... growing up was painful... and difficult and all our little dreams got stomped on... and we survived.. our heart was broken.. we've dodged death.. we've felt loss, despair, lonliness, poverty, hunger, trauma, guilt, pain.. we've all experienced pain.... and there you are..reading this page.. so I'm going to bet my life you've survived! you might be all broken and crying your eyes out right now... but I will promise you.. you are still alive.. and one day.. you will see that it was all there to help you understand.

We don't trust ourselves and we don't trust others.. because we can't see the bigger picture.... because we forget its all just a game anyways... and we make up the rules. Only way to change the rules is if EVERYONE agrees.. and the ONLY way for EVERYONE TO AGREE.. is if the answer is DIVINE TRUTH...

the goal is to see that you have always chosen the best path FOR YOU... that it may have lead you astray.. and you may feel like your intuition was fucking with you.. but ultimately.. it shone its light on the path of your own life... it made you see everything you DON'T want to be.. and NOW you get to see EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BE! you had to see how much you hated being where you were to see how much you want to be everything you WERE BORN TO BE.

You were born to be you. You were born to follow your life... and suffer... to see what you REALLY wanted.. and be able to tell the universe to cordially go fuck itself... that's the joke.. all the universe wants from you is for you to tell it to go fuck itself.. that you won't let anyone get in the way of who you authentically are... and that no money.. no one... NOTHING will stop you from being who you really are...so while telling the universe off... you can bow deeply to it.. and thank it for giving you your life and for giving you all the beautiful lessons...

We can't see that every moment is a lesson.. every moment brings us closer to ourselves... but we are distracted by the big things... we get caught up in feeling so ripped off by life.. we can't see the lessons....

I believe that if we are to trully live in an equal and just world.. in a peaceful world.. we must embrace our authenticism and only then will we  be able to care enough for ourselves that we care enough for others.

We don't trust ourselves because we think we constantly fuck up... and we can't trust other people because we think that they are going to fuck us... funny thing is.. we all are just trying to survive and we are all doing it the best way we know how.. and HONESTLY? what the other person does had nothing to do with you in the first place.

If you could make a chart about someone's life... a web of all the people in the world and the random moments they come into each other's lives... and out... we would see its all a crap shoot anyways... we get what we get... we get the life perfectly designed to bring out the best in ourselves.. if only we could see.

I hope through these chapters I am able to help you to see what I have seen.. to help you gain insight into your own mind and the nagging feeling inside you that this can't be it. I hope you can come on this journey with me while I share my insights... and hope that it can help you free yourself...

my #1 goal in life is to help people love themselves... it is my solemn vow.. and it has taken me feeling what you feel to be able to analyze it... Ive been where you are... and I will be there again... it is the journey.... it is being able to ride the waves of life with hope and joy and love and appreciation... it is ultimately not about being safe... but about being real. Who we really are.

We don't trust others because we got hurt a thousand times and we are scared of getting hurt because we haven't seen all the lessons all the pain has taught us.. we haven't learned from our life... we have reacted to it... we pretend that we don't have the capacity to reflect on our lives.. we pretend things didn't happen.. we pretend we are not who we are and we are scared of who we actually are.. we are terrified of being ourselves... because we are scared of losing the people we love.. because we haven't embraced that people come and go.. and ultimately.. they were the reasons we can see how awesome we really are...that's why we love them.. thats why we should love ourselves.. because we chose the perfect person for us.. to teach us the lesson we needed to learn. to ultimately teach us that we are perfect...

As soon as you can see you have survived life.. that you are WAAAY stronger than you think you are.. and stealthy.. that you are masterful at survival.. then life will start to not appear so scary... you have survived the worst of your life so far.. you will survive the worst of your life in the future... you are a survivor.... you can trust that you always will make the right decision for yourself... and the more you listen to your intuition.. the more prepared for the downs you can be.... so you embrace them as they happen and get excited for the rainbow at the end.

one of my favorite sayings is its not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain.

You can trust yourself.. and you can trust others... if they fuck up they didn't know any better.. if you fuck up.. you didn't know any better either... too bad. try again.

the summer solstice/ the full moon closest to the earth this year

So much has happened in the past month. Incredibly difficult... and incredibly terrifying. I faced my biggest fears.... I have survived the worst of my fears... and something has opened up inside me.. I see what I want... I see I can obtain it... and I trust that I may not understand how that is going to happen.. but by trully trusting myself... trusting the universe... trusting this crazy thing we call life... my ultiate dreams will come true... not because I pursue the money.. but because I pursue the feeling of freedom.... freedom from any oppression, free from any judgements... free from any fear.

I have been rejected by my twin. I have been rejected by my true love.... I have fought for myself and had to face that I was more important than any of my plans... my authenticism is what matters most.. and I will not sell out on myself for any reason.

bottom line is that I have never and will never sell out on myself... even in the face of losing the man of my dreams.. and even in the face of being faced with having to quit school.... give up on how I thought this was going to go... and I am incredibly empowered... and I realize... I have a book. I have sooo much to teach.. so much to share.. and this blog was the beginning, but my ability to synopsize my lessons is my next step...

I have a book inside me... and I am going to write the names of tentative chapters here.

what fires together wires together
how trauma triggers the first pain you have never dealt with
the biggest lesson of relationships
the biggest lesson of losing what you thought you wanted
our biggest fear of being with yourself
why you hate yourself - confusion between love and hate
why we get sick
the ultimate goal - self love, self acceptance
why we can't trust ANYONE
what is anxiety?
why we use drugs - hypothesis into the resulting mental disorders
why you hate your best friend/closest  family.
watching yourself
why we are sooo scared of ourselves and why we are so scared of everyone else.
what real meditation looks like... meditating through life.
men need to embrace their feminity and women need to embrace their masculinity
WHOLENESS
finding the child you still are
cleaning your house, finances, health, being on time, organization is a key component
the ultimate acceptance

the big hypothesis
the books I've read

I think ultimately this will become a website... where people from all over the world can contribute papers, and evidence to support the ideas they agree with. EVIDENCE is the only way to prove that my ideas can work FOR EVERYONE>... they have to be true. people think differently... I only attempt to explain it from my perspective. I do not claim to know the truth... I only claim to have hypotheses. This is my truth.. and if it is everyone else's then great. If not... then oh well.

So there.. that's what I have so far.