how fabulous you really look

I wish I had been writing on here more over the past couple of weeks... so much has happened.. and something in me has completely shifted... I am going to try and remember over the course of the last weeka nd maybe over the next week start writing it all... so I can remember what happened here.. just incase I go back.... which is totally possible.. because I know how these things work now.. you get clarity and then society starts making you question yourself....

and in thepast I have totally succumbed.... thought there was soething wrong with me again... but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.. I am just exactly who I am supposed to be... good or bad.. loud, full of energy... excited, interested, nice, did I mention loud! lol...

I have finally accepted me just for me.... and I am a pretty wonderful person! I talk to so many people.. I love people.. I love dancing!

It was my addiction to men. I kicked the habit. finally.....

It was T.. the perfect man that I met last week.... honestly meeting your mirror... meeting yourself in a man's body is the most fucked up experience I have ever gone through...

I fell instantly in love with him. Like I had beenlooking for him my whole life.... the first time we met it was like 5 hours of serendipity... we both commented that it felt cosmic....

and then everything started falling apart... and it was scary and devestating.... and somehow I kept a positive attitude.. like everything really will result in something good. .... it's been so difficult letting him go.. and forcing myself to realize that I deserve someone to feel that same way about me... and he doesn't...

Its sooo hard to not want to change the person that you think is the coolest guy in the world.... when he doesn't see how great you are... but I think he is so wonderful.... and he still has stuff to deal with.. and that process... I have realized... through trial and error... cannot be rushed. and so I had to let him emotionally go.. and believe that I really do deserve everything I ever wanted!

today we saw eachother.. and it was sooo comfortable.. it kills me that he doesn't see how different he feels when he's around me... but he can't. he's scared... and that's ok.... life happens at whatever speed it chooses... and I need to let him just be... I was going to cut all ties because I thought it would be too hard for me... but he really wants to stay friends... and said that he's really just not ready for a relationship.. at first I thought.. that's why it would be so difficult to be friends... because I would be hoping the whole time... but I realize that I have no idea what will happen.... I have to let whatever happens... happen... and I really want to be friends... and I will wait for my perfect man to come into my life.

it's weird how my ego tries to manipulate every situation to get something out of it... even if I am making the choice from my heart it wants to sneak in and make it so it gains.. and strategizes.. its hard to be present.

Anyways.. I'm calmer then I have ever been in my whole life... and I went out dancing tonight and didn't drink and had the night of my life!!! I danced my ass off and was completely myself. sober!

and I love me!!!!!!!!!

I have finally realized that i have been looking for the beauty in things my whole life so that I have reason to believe there is good in everything.. even the bad things.... I realized that I have always found it... and so I should start trusting the universe... that it all happens exactly as it should... like the waxing and waning of the moon or the cycles of the morning glory....

so I am trying to embrace every moment... for what ever it gives me....

tonight I felt free for the first time in my life... I think just letting T. go... being present and no longer being attached to what happens in the future.... but striving for the best.... freed me. I finally realize that I really am a great person.... and that I need to be the kind of person that I like.

I had no idea this is how it could feel. and I sincerely hope this feeling doesn't go away!.. but I can already start feeling the self doubt creep in :(

but right now... I feel like I finally understand the line..... and you never knew how fabulous you really look. .....lol.... neauty is found on the inside. and I can finally see clearly... I can see the good people. I know what kinds of people I want around me!!!!

NICE PEOPLE. I am a nice person. and I like nice people. and as far as I am converened... niceness in this world is beautiful.. and thats what I celebrate... people who are still nice when everything has shat on them.

so ya. I feel amazing. I have started yoga too... oh and the LTC chose my idea for our project :) which makes me unbelievably proud and excited.. that I am actually going to create something interesting and exciting!!!

and its going to help people!

I am so proud of the person I have become.. and its all through all the shit that I have been through! its amazing!

A.