learning about yourself.

Its weird when you have an experience that changes the entire way you look at yourself. I mean... I would assume many people have experienced this... but I can't name any that I know....

when you become so incredibly aware of yourself.. and how you act i the world.. ok.. I'll talk in the first person... man did you know that is a very difficult thing to do sometimes.... its easier to say you... its much more difficult to own the experience.

So I, am.. I guess in the experience right now... I feel its because I have become so aware of who I am... that I have recognized most of the things that I get embarrassed about.. and then realized that I was actually judging myself for those same things... recognizing that I really really need to love myself in order to feel whole.. and happy.. that all the books I have ever read say the answer is to fully love yourself.... so I'll be honest. That has been my freaking mission. lol.

Learn how to love myself. hmm.. I never quite thought of it like that.... if I were to actually think back that would be the unspoken vow.... something that I have never named... but its been a feeling of looking for myself.. ad my happiness.. and somehow by the grace of the universe I was given all the tools.. all the signs to get me to here...

I am sure there is more to enlightenment.... but that's all I want... I want to experience what it is like to love myself wholy and completely that I get to experiences what the sages have been saying for thousands and thousands of years.... every spirituality.. if you listen to their inner story.... it is all leading to exactly the same place... to freedom.. to happiness... to love.

and the only way you can really experience the love of what some call god, or ala, or whatever that feeling is they all speak of.... that deep love...... is to learn to at least love yourself... because... lets be honest.. how could you ever feel that deep love if you don't even think you deserve it?

Over the course of my life I have recognized that I really don't see love when its there... and I see it in the places it doesn't seem to be. I got to a point where I realized that I must have everything backwards... or at least a large portion of it....

The first time I really remember feeling that way was in Korea. I remember telling people that I didn't have a family... that I was all alone... to be honest... I still catch myself doing that from time to time... and every time I say it I can hear this voice that says "that's not true, you re not alone.. you have may friends and family that love you... its just no the way you wish it was." Its true... I have felt sorry for myself for years that I was given a single mother with no siblings and a family who can't deal with their emotions.... I felt sorry for myself for having a crazy, different, weird, mother... who couldn't figure out what she needed or wanted in life....... I felt sorry for myself for growing up with very little money... I felt sorry for myself for my mom dying. I felt sorry for myself for being bullied in school... I felt sorry for myself for not having many friends when I was a kid... I felt sorry for myself that all the other shit happened.... I completely felt sorry for myself... I felt like the universe had given me this shitty life.. and what the fuck did you want from me... I honestly.. at one point in my last relationship I really was like "WHAT THE FUCK!" How did this happen to me? I think I am a decent judge of character... and then to have that fucking weird ass shit go down.. let me tell you..... I FELT SOOOOO SORRY FOR MYSELF... and to be honest I am still fighting with myself... because its a habit... its by far the hardest habit I have ever tried to kick..... feeling sorry for myself.. also known as the VICTIM.... we all do it... because...

I think I may have actually figured it out... its because if you start thinking it from a different angle.. if you start looking at it like its just a handful of incidents that occurred over a very vast life.... and when I thought of all the beautiful things in between all those crappy times.. something started to change in me...

Throughout this going on... I remember facing all the things with J.... watching as every one of my insecurities was thrown out at me.. it was really really weird to watch. That this beautiful man was telling me everything mean..... I would always call him mean.... I would get so angry that he was soo mean. only to realize I was angry at him for being angry... I was angry.... it was the weirdest thing to realize.... to watch myself be angry... I was never angry like that... and I realized that it was honestly something I had never wanted to admit... I still have problems admitting it... but I get angry.... I am a nice person who sometimes gets angry... and so is he... man even saying that is hard for me to say.... I have still been hating on him.... literally being angry at him.. and wanting desperately not to be.... because I see myself as being nice... so I don't want to be angry.. its like I force myself to not be an emotion I already am..and am in complete denial to myself that I can get angry....

through this experience I started thinking that maybe there was some truth to the fact that your partner is always your mirror....


 instead of just letting myself be angry.. I swear its an internal battle... between me thinking "look what he's done... he's an ass.. you should be angry..." and "but being angry is bad..." I completely judge myself.

honestly when I get past that struggle is only when I say to myself... "its ok to be angry... but everything happened exactly as it should.. and look at you NOW!!!!" you have learned sooooo much from all of this that had you not gone through that discomfort.. that pain you wouldn't have realized everything you have!

Honestly fighting with him and have him fight with me over really little things... make me feel bad, I realized that it was really not ok to have someone talk to me like that... I would get sooo upset... and then I would realize that hearing it out loud.. and recognizing that it was unbelievably hurtful, I was also able to recognize the voice in my head that had been saying the same thing....

to be told by my boyfriend that he would cheat on me if I didn't lose weight.. I actually found myself feeling like that pretty much could have been the meanest thing he could ever say.... it made me sooo insecure.. and I realized that it was my biggest fear come true... and why was it my biggest fear? because I had actually thought about that happening! and why had I thought about that possibly happening? because I thought I was too fat for anyone to love me.. really. and why did I think that? because I completely judged myself for being overweight.. I criticized myself and belittled myself and didn't look at my body in pictures.... I totally took my body for granted.... and despised it.... so much that I had actually thought about my bf not being able to love me.... for my weight.... as soon as I realized I had done that to myself... I said... ENOUGH.... and ironically that totally didn't come true until the most recent man... who again ended up having a problem with my weight. This beautiful man who I felt totally soul connected to ended up saying exactly the same thing... and I found myself saying... well then I deserve better.

The growth I have experienced over the past couple of months... the depth of self awareness I have.... seeing who I really am.. I am starting to see that I have always been this person... and the things that I judge myself for are the things about me.. that I have always been, but they are the things that other people don't like about me... and so I have put myself in a box, where I too have labelled all the parts of me that are socially unacceptable....

through all this I am finally seeing that I am just the way I am... and I can't change who I am at my deepest level.... and that I have to love myself for me.... in doing this, I have come to realize that I love being with myself... that I find myself incredibly refreshing.. and I wish there were more of me in the world.

That I am independent, vibrant, loud, intelligent, funny, innovative, kind, loving, forgiving, creative and a whole slew of other things that make me really like the person I have become....

There are still areas of my life where I know I still have insecurities... but to be able to finally see how lovely I am, and to start realizing my own self worth is an incredible feeling...

It is also the feeling of incredible love... its a sliver of the kind of love I imagine religions talk about.. but i am getting there... that deep self love is the feeling of the Divine.

The most recent aspect of my character that I have had to learn to accept and love is the fact that I have had sex with so many people... how Ironic it is that my whole life has been about self acceptance and self love and yet I have created my own life to have to love and accept that I am a sexual woman, that I am not ashamed of the men I have had sex with, that I don't think its bad and wrong, and un-womanly... I am in the process of learning that I have to go against everything society tells me about the sexuality of women..... and accept myself wholy and completely.... including that aspect of me. Its incredibly freeing... self criticism is painful... and it keeps me from being happy.... it keeps me from love.... and I want to feel the deep everlasting love that can only come from knowing the depth of yourself and liking all of you.

Life is so very interesting.


I realized that that was absolutely innapropriate for a boyfriend to say if he actally loved me.... telling him that it was not ok to talk to me like that.... telling him that if he actually felt like that we should break up... and have him retract.... I started asking myself why

how fabulous you really look

I wish I had been writing on here more over the past couple of weeks... so much has happened.. and something in me has completely shifted... I am going to try and remember over the course of the last weeka nd maybe over the next week start writing it all... so I can remember what happened here.. just incase I go back.... which is totally possible.. because I know how these things work now.. you get clarity and then society starts making you question yourself....

and in thepast I have totally succumbed.... thought there was soething wrong with me again... but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.. I am just exactly who I am supposed to be... good or bad.. loud, full of energy... excited, interested, nice, did I mention loud! lol...

I have finally accepted me just for me.... and I am a pretty wonderful person! I talk to so many people.. I love people.. I love dancing!

It was my addiction to men. I kicked the habit. finally.....

It was T.. the perfect man that I met last week.... honestly meeting your mirror... meeting yourself in a man's body is the most fucked up experience I have ever gone through...

I fell instantly in love with him. Like I had beenlooking for him my whole life.... the first time we met it was like 5 hours of serendipity... we both commented that it felt cosmic....

and then everything started falling apart... and it was scary and devestating.... and somehow I kept a positive attitude.. like everything really will result in something good. .... it's been so difficult letting him go.. and forcing myself to realize that I deserve someone to feel that same way about me... and he doesn't...

Its sooo hard to not want to change the person that you think is the coolest guy in the world.... when he doesn't see how great you are... but I think he is so wonderful.... and he still has stuff to deal with.. and that process... I have realized... through trial and error... cannot be rushed. and so I had to let him emotionally go.. and believe that I really do deserve everything I ever wanted!

today we saw eachother.. and it was sooo comfortable.. it kills me that he doesn't see how different he feels when he's around me... but he can't. he's scared... and that's ok.... life happens at whatever speed it chooses... and I need to let him just be... I was going to cut all ties because I thought it would be too hard for me... but he really wants to stay friends... and said that he's really just not ready for a relationship.. at first I thought.. that's why it would be so difficult to be friends... because I would be hoping the whole time... but I realize that I have no idea what will happen.... I have to let whatever happens... happen... and I really want to be friends... and I will wait for my perfect man to come into my life.

it's weird how my ego tries to manipulate every situation to get something out of it... even if I am making the choice from my heart it wants to sneak in and make it so it gains.. and strategizes.. its hard to be present.

Anyways.. I'm calmer then I have ever been in my whole life... and I went out dancing tonight and didn't drink and had the night of my life!!! I danced my ass off and was completely myself. sober!

and I love me!!!!!!!!!

I have finally realized that i have been looking for the beauty in things my whole life so that I have reason to believe there is good in everything.. even the bad things.... I realized that I have always found it... and so I should start trusting the universe... that it all happens exactly as it should... like the waxing and waning of the moon or the cycles of the morning glory....

so I am trying to embrace every moment... for what ever it gives me....

tonight I felt free for the first time in my life... I think just letting T. go... being present and no longer being attached to what happens in the future.... but striving for the best.... freed me. I finally realize that I really am a great person.... and that I need to be the kind of person that I like.

I had no idea this is how it could feel. and I sincerely hope this feeling doesn't go away!.. but I can already start feeling the self doubt creep in :(

but right now... I feel like I finally understand the line..... and you never knew how fabulous you really look. .....lol.... neauty is found on the inside. and I can finally see clearly... I can see the good people. I know what kinds of people I want around me!!!!

NICE PEOPLE. I am a nice person. and I like nice people. and as far as I am converened... niceness in this world is beautiful.. and thats what I celebrate... people who are still nice when everything has shat on them.

so ya. I feel amazing. I have started yoga too... oh and the LTC chose my idea for our project :) which makes me unbelievably proud and excited.. that I am actually going to create something interesting and exciting!!!

and its going to help people!

I am so proud of the person I have become.. and its all through all the shit that I have been through! its amazing!

A.