Somehow I came across some interesting articles today that talked about finding yuor passion, haveing the life you want... going where life shall take you.. they moved me, because although much of what they were saying were things I already knew about life.. but one thing thatone of the articles stressed was to look at the things in your life that you do in your spare time.. the things that are not work.. the things that you would sacrifice for.. and that's what you shuold be doing.
The more I think of this the more I look at my ability to talk to people, to have people share their deepest secrets with me... the ability for me to help people, and make people feel at ease...
This is what I do in my spare time.. this is what I love... this is what I need to do. I've been thinking more and more about becoming a psychiatrist after I am done nursing. I think that its my calling.. a therapist.
I write this blog, in the hopes that someone one day will come across and see themselves in me.. and be able to have hope... hope for something new and different.
I just hope I can help people with my story.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Staying true.... and being happy
I have found that most of my posts... like my own diary have me writing when I am in crisis, or just after... but not when things are going well.... in fact that's when I, like many others, talk to my friends.. when things are tough...
I would like to start writing more about the daily life I have.. my success and failures.. if for no one else, to record my life.. and to be able to learn from it.
The past month I have found myself continuously challenged in my relationship with J... I have documented much of my difficulties, but now coming out of it.. or a tleast I hope for a little while.. and looking back on the past month.. I am able to reflect on the lessons and insight I have gained.. and to be able to share what I have learned.
So yes, this is after somewhat of a crisis... but I use that word lightly.. its not a crisis when we fight.. but it has be all bunched up inside, and not knowing how to proceed... so in my little world.. yes it is a crisis.
This weekend was J's brother's wedding. J was in the wedding party so other than driving down, I spent most of the day/night on my own... it was an interesting experience, to meet J's entire family, without him being there.. and yes of course I wanted to impress them, but unlike the past I wasn't nervous, I had confidence, and I told myself just to be myself.. and see where things go. I think that's what has changed most for me in the past 8 months... being more and more comfortable in my own skin.. its a slow chipping away, becoming more and more aware of how I am with people.. with J and to tweek my response... always with respect to myself.
I have never had a hard time respecting other people's feelings.. but typically I give up my own comfort factor for other people.. meanwhile allowing things to get worse and worse.... always putting others before myself, because, let's be honest I am scared of rejection, scared of hurting someone else... so much so that I put myself on the back burner.
Over the course of the night a few things popped up for me that were interesting to observe. First, I am not a small talk kind of person.. and the constant meeting of people and having stupid little conversations that never lead anywhere was incredibly boring.. it wasn't until dinner when I had the chance to start talking to the people at my table that I started to feel at ease again, where the conversation turned from what do you do for a living to experience, lessons, loves, dreams.. its when I feel most at home.. when people are sharing themselves and I have the opportunity to share myself.
Second, At one point in the evening I went to see where J was and caught him laughing with one of the bride's maids... for the first time in 3 months I felt that unsettling feeling in my stomach of jealousy, of not feeling adequacy... I was immediately aware of the insecurity bubbling inside me... and despite my urge to run I brought awareness to it.. and then told myself to stop being insecure I reassured myself that he loved me, without having to go and ask him for his assurance. It was difficult, but I knew I could make a choice.,.worry, or not worry and I took the not worrying root.
Third, at one point I started getting agitated because it had been hours since he had come to check on me..no texting, no check ins... he just was doing his thing... and it hurt... but in the end I kept doing what I was doing and being who I am... and he showed up outside while I was having a smoke... telling me he had been looking for me for a while... and that it seemed like every time he came to look for me I was gone. Its amazing what we miss.... and what we create...
the rest of the night was good... I learned to enjoy his feeble attempts at dancing.. because in the end he was dancing for me, with me, cause he knew it would make me happy.. even though he knew that he's not the greatest. I met most of his family.. and later got feedback that they really liked me... so in the end the night went off without a hitch.
And then we got home....
I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started... but alcohol I'm sure had a role in my fears abating and just being honest with him about EVERYTHING.
I told him that I have been feeling like he can't really be bothered with me.. that when we first started dating he would look at me with this look like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.. and he doesn't do that anymore... that I feel like he treats me like a burden.. and that these arguments that we keep happening are because I feel uncared for.
It was uncomfortable... but the alcohol allowed me the opportunity to set aside my fears of being rejected.. and just telling him how I was feeling... it was hard for him to part of the conversation and keep from not being distracted or fall asleep... and I'll be honest, weighing the benefit of continuing the conversation despite the obstacles we were facing... was difficult.. but in the end.. I needed to talk, I needed to get it all out.. because there was an honest space created and its very difficult to find that completely honest safe place sometimes, where you have the other person's undivided attention.
The conversation lasted for about 2 hours... and in the end he listened... really listened... and he ended up giving me that look... that perfect you are wonderful look... and I fell asleep knowing that something had been accomplished.
That's the thing about J.. is although he has a lot of self awareness that he needs to work on... he listens.. and he is willing, although sometimes he needs a little more of a push... to accept that he may be doing something that he wasn't aware of.... to be honest, I don't know if he was talking to me about all the things I do if I would have as much grace.
But this is how I feel.... I felt before that night that we were separate... that I was scared of losing him... and that I was still trying to impress him, although doing a poor conscious job... unconsciously I was obviously doing something right... and by sticking with that voice in my head... I was able to express myself.. and we were able to grow.
When we woke up in the morning I felt like for the first time we were a team.. one unit. us against the world.
I wish I could remember all the things that were said.. but in the end, it doesn't really matter, its how I feel, its how he feels, its where we have come since that matters.
I just remembered something.. the day started off with me leaving supposedly my smokes on the table at home.. he told me he put them there for me.. but I had assumed the pack was empty.. and he hadn't told me... in my head I had made sure to pack everything he would have forgotten on his own... and he couldn't make sure I had one small thing... it felt very imbalanced, as he eventually asked for everything that I had remembered to pack... so that gives you a small perspective.. the imbalance, the distance between us.. like we were tolerating each other..
I have to be honest thoughts have spiraled through my head over the past month as to whether J really is the one for me... particularly around his reactions to me.. he always seems to be saying and doing negative things.. pushing my buttons... and I have excused much of it by giving it the excuse that it's winter.. that we are broke.. and that he has this shit job..and we are just getting to know each other... but every time it happened. and every time I felt I had to address an issue I kept getting closer to the conclusion that this wasn't right... although I always kept looking at how I was responsible.. in the end i always.. and still conclude its in honoring yourself and your feelings.. perhaps I can be a little uptight sometimes.. and overly sensitive.. perhaps I can nitpick on the small things he says.. and I ask myself... is this the kind of person you want to be raising kids with... I know its early in the game to be considering his role as a father, but I don't take this relationship lightly.. and well I believe if you know.. then move on.
there was a time in the past week that I asked myself... if we broke up and I saw him in the street would I miss him, would I be nervous or anxious.. or sad... and unlike the obsession I had had in my previous relationship.. I started questioning my feelings...
In the end it was the conversation after the wedding that changed everything.. where I told him that I didn't feel like he treated me like an equal.. that I felt like he didn't care a lot of the time... and that that didn't work for me... I told him that I needed to feel like my opinion counted.. that it mattered... I expressed my fears.. knowing that at anytime he could snuff me.. tell me he didn't want to talk.. fall asleep.. but in the end he kissed me goodnight with that look in his eye like I surprised him again.. that I am exactly what he needs in his life... and he in mine.
Its a funny thing this confidence thing... this honouring yourself thing.. you would think that it would be easy... but every time I express myself to him, and risk a fall out.. rejection, silencing... he not only surprises me, but I surprise myself.. I surprise myself with the outcome of being honest.. of sharing yourself with another and having them accept you for you.
I woke up happy again.
That's the point. I woke up with this sense of gratitude to myself, to him, and to where we are headed. I felt like we were a team again, and I felt like I wanted to help, do things that made him smile again, like pack our bags when he was in the shower... tidy up..
that's another thing I have noticed as of late.. that when we first started dating.. I always wanted to do things that made him happy... but then I started to pull away, feeling like it was a chore rather than to make him happy... it was like I felt like he expected it... and so I pulled away... now.. we are back to normal, where I want to help again, I want to make him happy.
But it has evolved into something more. I am being straight with him right away, without any attached drama to anything.. just being frank,....not sanitizing what I have to say. And, he turn is joking with me still, but if I don't laugh he tells me he's teasing me.... he reminds me that life doesn't need to be so serious sometimes...
Oh I remembered more of our conversation... that much of the conversation was steering towards me and my faults.. at one point we got to a point where we were talking about me being soo sensitive... and he, humbly said, that he was thinking that maybe I'm not ready for a relationship like this one...
Although I am totally willing to take responsibility
I told him that it was hard sometimes, because he doesn't usually initiate physical touch with me... and then when I always come to kiss him, he gets agitated and tells me that I am following him around like a puppy dog... that its difficult to balance, because much of the things that he was addressing he causes. Most of the things I said, you could tell, were a surprise to him... he's starting to be more self aware.. and self accepting, being able to maybe look at the not so pretty sides of himself.
he apologized.
Since Sunday(it's Tuesday now) I have felt incredibly safe with him. Where he'll do stupid shit, or get agitated with me over something ridiculous and instead of taking it seriously I tease him about it.. I make it not about me.. and I don't get mad... and I am finding that its working... its the security that I didn't feel before.. the safety of really knowing he still loves me.. and I love him... where he can express himself and I can express myself... and not taking it too seriously when one conflicts with the other.
I am absolutely in love again.
and I am feeling more and more grounded in who I am.
I asked him he felt like I did.. and he said yes.. of course in not so many words... but he did. her said "I love you, you love me.. all is right in the world".
Its nice to be back at a point where I feel like I can tell him to fuck off when he's being ridiculous.. but it isn't from an emotional space, but more from an I'm not going to take this personally,but I'm not going to tolerate this either.
Then today... he got an interview with this company, that would be exactly what he needs to move forward in his career.
I was on cloud 9... to know that i feel confident that we are a team.. I can share in his excitement.. and that I'm not really scared of the little things right now anymore...
So there... I wanted to share that with you.
We had a wonderful night tonight.. went for an hour long walk.. hung out and made dinner together.
we are better than ever.. and I couldn't feel more authentic, alive and happy.
So the lessons I have learned so far.
be true to yourself... if something makes you upset, or btohers you, share... make sure you let the other person know and watch how they respond.. if they don't give a shit about your feelings.. well then they don't much care for you... and if they don't care for you.. what are you doing in the relationship in the first place?
2. accept responsibilty. If you have the courage to tell your partner that they are doing something that upsets you.. have the decency to accept the same feedback.. and rememebr.. to take responsibility too... Its important to realize that you are in the same boat.. you don't always know how you are acting and coming across either.... and maybe they can shed insight.. don't be too quick to defend... you will never get the cahnce to be so secure and aound someone who sees you everyday to tell you how you are ACTUALLY being.
3. Move on... at the end of an argument, what comes naturally for me works really well... we move on... immediately.. we get happy and hang out and do things together... without any experience that we had just had a fight.
4. don't take things too personally... but be honest when they bother you.
5. If things are going bad... sometimes all you need is to head out with some close people in your life.. and watch the other person's actions... if they are proud to have you on their arm... if they can see in the eyes of other people, why they fell in love with you.. the validation allows for a new place to grow in your relationship... and you break the silence, because an opening for conversation happens...
5. Even if you don't particularly like some of the things that your partner does.. when they are excited.. get excited with them.. if you don't you squash them, you squash the kid inside them... we got phones this week together and how thankful I am that I got the phone too, because it gives us something in common, that we are learning together.. that we can share together... it's important to have things in common... and to be excited about something that your partner is excited about. There's nothing better than to kill excitement and happiness, than someone criticizing you for being excited..
I watched a short clip of Diane Sawyer on OWN.com in one she says that on ne of her stories someone once told her about marriage, a criticism is just a really bad way of making a request.. so why don't you just make the request.. just say, could we just work this thing out.. this thing that makes me feel bad? just make the request.
That's what I have learned so far.
I would like to start writing more about the daily life I have.. my success and failures.. if for no one else, to record my life.. and to be able to learn from it.
The past month I have found myself continuously challenged in my relationship with J... I have documented much of my difficulties, but now coming out of it.. or a tleast I hope for a little while.. and looking back on the past month.. I am able to reflect on the lessons and insight I have gained.. and to be able to share what I have learned.
So yes, this is after somewhat of a crisis... but I use that word lightly.. its not a crisis when we fight.. but it has be all bunched up inside, and not knowing how to proceed... so in my little world.. yes it is a crisis.
This weekend was J's brother's wedding. J was in the wedding party so other than driving down, I spent most of the day/night on my own... it was an interesting experience, to meet J's entire family, without him being there.. and yes of course I wanted to impress them, but unlike the past I wasn't nervous, I had confidence, and I told myself just to be myself.. and see where things go. I think that's what has changed most for me in the past 8 months... being more and more comfortable in my own skin.. its a slow chipping away, becoming more and more aware of how I am with people.. with J and to tweek my response... always with respect to myself.
I have never had a hard time respecting other people's feelings.. but typically I give up my own comfort factor for other people.. meanwhile allowing things to get worse and worse.... always putting others before myself, because, let's be honest I am scared of rejection, scared of hurting someone else... so much so that I put myself on the back burner.
Over the course of the night a few things popped up for me that were interesting to observe. First, I am not a small talk kind of person.. and the constant meeting of people and having stupid little conversations that never lead anywhere was incredibly boring.. it wasn't until dinner when I had the chance to start talking to the people at my table that I started to feel at ease again, where the conversation turned from what do you do for a living to experience, lessons, loves, dreams.. its when I feel most at home.. when people are sharing themselves and I have the opportunity to share myself.
Second, At one point in the evening I went to see where J was and caught him laughing with one of the bride's maids... for the first time in 3 months I felt that unsettling feeling in my stomach of jealousy, of not feeling adequacy... I was immediately aware of the insecurity bubbling inside me... and despite my urge to run I brought awareness to it.. and then told myself to stop being insecure I reassured myself that he loved me, without having to go and ask him for his assurance. It was difficult, but I knew I could make a choice.,.worry, or not worry and I took the not worrying root.
Third, at one point I started getting agitated because it had been hours since he had come to check on me..no texting, no check ins... he just was doing his thing... and it hurt... but in the end I kept doing what I was doing and being who I am... and he showed up outside while I was having a smoke... telling me he had been looking for me for a while... and that it seemed like every time he came to look for me I was gone. Its amazing what we miss.... and what we create...
the rest of the night was good... I learned to enjoy his feeble attempts at dancing.. because in the end he was dancing for me, with me, cause he knew it would make me happy.. even though he knew that he's not the greatest. I met most of his family.. and later got feedback that they really liked me... so in the end the night went off without a hitch.
And then we got home....
I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started... but alcohol I'm sure had a role in my fears abating and just being honest with him about EVERYTHING.
I told him that I have been feeling like he can't really be bothered with me.. that when we first started dating he would look at me with this look like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.. and he doesn't do that anymore... that I feel like he treats me like a burden.. and that these arguments that we keep happening are because I feel uncared for.
It was uncomfortable... but the alcohol allowed me the opportunity to set aside my fears of being rejected.. and just telling him how I was feeling... it was hard for him to part of the conversation and keep from not being distracted or fall asleep... and I'll be honest, weighing the benefit of continuing the conversation despite the obstacles we were facing... was difficult.. but in the end.. I needed to talk, I needed to get it all out.. because there was an honest space created and its very difficult to find that completely honest safe place sometimes, where you have the other person's undivided attention.
The conversation lasted for about 2 hours... and in the end he listened... really listened... and he ended up giving me that look... that perfect you are wonderful look... and I fell asleep knowing that something had been accomplished.
That's the thing about J.. is although he has a lot of self awareness that he needs to work on... he listens.. and he is willing, although sometimes he needs a little more of a push... to accept that he may be doing something that he wasn't aware of.... to be honest, I don't know if he was talking to me about all the things I do if I would have as much grace.
But this is how I feel.... I felt before that night that we were separate... that I was scared of losing him... and that I was still trying to impress him, although doing a poor conscious job... unconsciously I was obviously doing something right... and by sticking with that voice in my head... I was able to express myself.. and we were able to grow.
When we woke up in the morning I felt like for the first time we were a team.. one unit. us against the world.
I wish I could remember all the things that were said.. but in the end, it doesn't really matter, its how I feel, its how he feels, its where we have come since that matters.
I just remembered something.. the day started off with me leaving supposedly my smokes on the table at home.. he told me he put them there for me.. but I had assumed the pack was empty.. and he hadn't told me... in my head I had made sure to pack everything he would have forgotten on his own... and he couldn't make sure I had one small thing... it felt very imbalanced, as he eventually asked for everything that I had remembered to pack... so that gives you a small perspective.. the imbalance, the distance between us.. like we were tolerating each other..
I have to be honest thoughts have spiraled through my head over the past month as to whether J really is the one for me... particularly around his reactions to me.. he always seems to be saying and doing negative things.. pushing my buttons... and I have excused much of it by giving it the excuse that it's winter.. that we are broke.. and that he has this shit job..and we are just getting to know each other... but every time it happened. and every time I felt I had to address an issue I kept getting closer to the conclusion that this wasn't right... although I always kept looking at how I was responsible.. in the end i always.. and still conclude its in honoring yourself and your feelings.. perhaps I can be a little uptight sometimes.. and overly sensitive.. perhaps I can nitpick on the small things he says.. and I ask myself... is this the kind of person you want to be raising kids with... I know its early in the game to be considering his role as a father, but I don't take this relationship lightly.. and well I believe if you know.. then move on.
there was a time in the past week that I asked myself... if we broke up and I saw him in the street would I miss him, would I be nervous or anxious.. or sad... and unlike the obsession I had had in my previous relationship.. I started questioning my feelings...
In the end it was the conversation after the wedding that changed everything.. where I told him that I didn't feel like he treated me like an equal.. that I felt like he didn't care a lot of the time... and that that didn't work for me... I told him that I needed to feel like my opinion counted.. that it mattered... I expressed my fears.. knowing that at anytime he could snuff me.. tell me he didn't want to talk.. fall asleep.. but in the end he kissed me goodnight with that look in his eye like I surprised him again.. that I am exactly what he needs in his life... and he in mine.
Its a funny thing this confidence thing... this honouring yourself thing.. you would think that it would be easy... but every time I express myself to him, and risk a fall out.. rejection, silencing... he not only surprises me, but I surprise myself.. I surprise myself with the outcome of being honest.. of sharing yourself with another and having them accept you for you.
I woke up happy again.
That's the point. I woke up with this sense of gratitude to myself, to him, and to where we are headed. I felt like we were a team again, and I felt like I wanted to help, do things that made him smile again, like pack our bags when he was in the shower... tidy up..
that's another thing I have noticed as of late.. that when we first started dating.. I always wanted to do things that made him happy... but then I started to pull away, feeling like it was a chore rather than to make him happy... it was like I felt like he expected it... and so I pulled away... now.. we are back to normal, where I want to help again, I want to make him happy.
But it has evolved into something more. I am being straight with him right away, without any attached drama to anything.. just being frank,....not sanitizing what I have to say. And, he turn is joking with me still, but if I don't laugh he tells me he's teasing me.... he reminds me that life doesn't need to be so serious sometimes...
Oh I remembered more of our conversation... that much of the conversation was steering towards me and my faults.. at one point we got to a point where we were talking about me being soo sensitive... and he, humbly said, that he was thinking that maybe I'm not ready for a relationship like this one...
Although I am totally willing to take responsibility
I told him that it was hard sometimes, because he doesn't usually initiate physical touch with me... and then when I always come to kiss him, he gets agitated and tells me that I am following him around like a puppy dog... that its difficult to balance, because much of the things that he was addressing he causes. Most of the things I said, you could tell, were a surprise to him... he's starting to be more self aware.. and self accepting, being able to maybe look at the not so pretty sides of himself.
he apologized.
Since Sunday(it's Tuesday now) I have felt incredibly safe with him. Where he'll do stupid shit, or get agitated with me over something ridiculous and instead of taking it seriously I tease him about it.. I make it not about me.. and I don't get mad... and I am finding that its working... its the security that I didn't feel before.. the safety of really knowing he still loves me.. and I love him... where he can express himself and I can express myself... and not taking it too seriously when one conflicts with the other.
I am absolutely in love again.
and I am feeling more and more grounded in who I am.
I asked him he felt like I did.. and he said yes.. of course in not so many words... but he did. her said "I love you, you love me.. all is right in the world".
Its nice to be back at a point where I feel like I can tell him to fuck off when he's being ridiculous.. but it isn't from an emotional space, but more from an I'm not going to take this personally,but I'm not going to tolerate this either.
Then today... he got an interview with this company, that would be exactly what he needs to move forward in his career.
I was on cloud 9... to know that i feel confident that we are a team.. I can share in his excitement.. and that I'm not really scared of the little things right now anymore...
So there... I wanted to share that with you.
We had a wonderful night tonight.. went for an hour long walk.. hung out and made dinner together.
we are better than ever.. and I couldn't feel more authentic, alive and happy.
So the lessons I have learned so far.
be true to yourself... if something makes you upset, or btohers you, share... make sure you let the other person know and watch how they respond.. if they don't give a shit about your feelings.. well then they don't much care for you... and if they don't care for you.. what are you doing in the relationship in the first place?
2. accept responsibilty. If you have the courage to tell your partner that they are doing something that upsets you.. have the decency to accept the same feedback.. and rememebr.. to take responsibility too... Its important to realize that you are in the same boat.. you don't always know how you are acting and coming across either.... and maybe they can shed insight.. don't be too quick to defend... you will never get the cahnce to be so secure and aound someone who sees you everyday to tell you how you are ACTUALLY being.
3. Move on... at the end of an argument, what comes naturally for me works really well... we move on... immediately.. we get happy and hang out and do things together... without any experience that we had just had a fight.
4. don't take things too personally... but be honest when they bother you.
5. If things are going bad... sometimes all you need is to head out with some close people in your life.. and watch the other person's actions... if they are proud to have you on their arm... if they can see in the eyes of other people, why they fell in love with you.. the validation allows for a new place to grow in your relationship... and you break the silence, because an opening for conversation happens...
5. Even if you don't particularly like some of the things that your partner does.. when they are excited.. get excited with them.. if you don't you squash them, you squash the kid inside them... we got phones this week together and how thankful I am that I got the phone too, because it gives us something in common, that we are learning together.. that we can share together... it's important to have things in common... and to be excited about something that your partner is excited about. There's nothing better than to kill excitement and happiness, than someone criticizing you for being excited..
I watched a short clip of Diane Sawyer on OWN.com in one she says that on ne of her stories someone once told her about marriage, a criticism is just a really bad way of making a request.. so why don't you just make the request.. just say, could we just work this thing out.. this thing that makes me feel bad? just make the request.
That's what I have learned so far.
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