So J and I keep having these random arguments that just ruin the whole day and take so long to resolves and they are exhausting.... he invited me to move in with him... and yesterday was St. Patts, and he had the day off, so we moved my clothes and some of my stuff into his house... but the excitement of the event, what it meant, enjoying it was totally destroyed by this argument yesterday.... it was aweful.. and I have been racking my brain at my own contribution to the situation...
basically, he woke me up, I was tired, he brought me coffee in bed and then turned on this ipod cast that I really didn't like. I felt bad that I didn't like it.. and asked him if we could change it.... by saying "hey babe, I'm really sorry, but do you think that we could listen to something else? I can't handle this right now."
He got pretty pissed off at me... and I subsequently got really pissed at him for being so pissed off at me.... it lasted for 2 hours... talking, trying to figure out where the miscommunication happened... my dedication of wanting to eliminate the misunderstanding...
So, he's not perfect.. and yes, he over reacted... but I know that we cause things in our life.. and he does love me... and he wants to make me happy, so why the fight?
It has only today occured to me that it is in fact my worry and my concern that caused the misunderstanding...
he was more pissed off with the way I asked.. yesterday I was so frustrated.. asking him what the hell do you mean? the way I said it? like how can I be any different, I was trying to be considerate....
but I think what I have realized its not the fact that I was being kind.. it was that he wouldn't have reacted... well hypothetically wouldn't have... if I had just said "hey babe can we listen to something else?"
no dram, no concern, no making a big deal.. and not worrying about how it was going to land for him... that in fact its my concern of saying te wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing that is causing me to say the wrong thing...or do the wrong thing.. that I am experiencing what it feels like to start worrying and because of my concern, I am actually causing the problems that I am scared of causing..
this train of thought leads to a pretty big personal confrontation... where in order to eliminate the conflict, I have to eliminate my insecurities... ha!
what a catch 22.... and how sweet it is in the same breath.. to know that its in fact my own over thinking, over concern that's causing these rifts....
My cousinand I were talking last night.. and I think the problem is that I am so worried about getting into the same relationship with J as with C. that I am living in this tip toe around scenario, although J has given me no personal reason to feel that way... in fact he has pretty much done the complete opposite... he has made me feel welcomed, loved and accepted.... but I treat him like if I say something or do something wrong he is going to leave me....
makes you wonder if I did the same thing with C....
BUT... my cousin and I were saying that whats difficult is having the same behaviour with someone who is a bad man(C) and someone who is a good man (J)
its hard to see the difference in behaviour.... because its not necessarily the behaviour but the reasons behind it.
Anyways... I am pretty confronted right now... how do you eliminate your fear, when you've created evidence for having those fears in the first place... lol?
Looking at all the times I have been worried of annoying him or putting him on edge... I do just that... and when I am not worried... he doesn't seem to get bothered... pretty fucked up if you ask me!
So yes, watching yourself create the mirror of your life.. create conflict is a really strange feeling.
At the end of the day though.. I love him.. I really enjoy spending time with him.. I think I am just at a point in our relationship where I'm worried of losing him which is actually causing scenarios that have me sabotaging the situation.
Isn't that weird.. the only way to make a relationship work is by trusting that you being you adn them being them is enough... to value your own opinion.. and trust that you aren't going to say or do the wrong thing.
To put in succinctly, I think he picked up intuitively that I was worried about what I was going to say... but didn't realize that's what he was picking up on.. and so couldn't really explain it... I as a result got mad that he got mad at how I said it (even though that wasn't really what he was mad at) That men need women who value themselves and have enough self-esteem and assurance that they speak straight up... and say what they want without all the extra words, the embellishment that sounds a lot like drama to them... not thoughtfulness... that men need women who say what they are thinking... straight to the point... and not worry about how its going to land.... so basically, not be overly considerate, because it doesn't come across as being considerate, it comes across as being insecure.... interesting thought.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
learning lessons... how to be in a real-ationship
I haven't written much in the past few weeks cause I guess there hasn't been much to write. I've been coasting as it were, enjoying the relationship and trying not to let my fears and concerns get the best of me... the past few days however have given me a new lesson... and I feel like sharing.
Over the past week I have seen myself starting to fall into my typical behaviour.. falling in love with someone eventually leads you to a point where you are concerned about losing them.. and as a result you start wondering if how you feel is being overly - something.. like... or at least a close cousin to neurotic... I don't want to be bitchy or naggy.. I don't want J to feel like I'm asking him to change, so I let things slide, convincing myself that I am over reacting..
Particularly recently I have felt a little neglected.... like he'll stay up late watching tv, or doing stuff on the computer.... what helped me fall in love with J was that he just made me feel so special.. like what I had to say was just perfect.. he made me feel like I was just great, just being me... and that he wanted nothing else more than to spend time with me... and because of that, I wanted him to feel as special as i do, so I would do what ever I could to make him happy.. clean the dishes when I didn't want to.. clean the house while he was at work.. make him dinner... just anything I could to make his life easier.
But over the past few weeks I have felt like he's just living with me around.. he hasn't really done anything to make me feel special, or wanted... just that he's satisfied... but no longer making an effort.
What's hard is that I want this to be easy... and I don't want to jump to conclusions... but I started snapping at him... every time he would say a negative comment I would make a snarky comment back.... and he picked up on it and called me out last night.... he said "you seem to be getting angry a lot with me lately. "
"yes" I responded... "I am" "I'm sorry.. I just feel like you aren't really paying much attention to me.. and its making me a little bitchy. I proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, but that all week I felt like he didn't really care about hanging out with me.. and every time I wanted to hang out with him or share something I felt like he'd rather be doing anything but hang out with me.. that I love hanging out with him.... and I want him to feel the same about me... with nothing else... " I told him I didn't want to tell him cause I didn't want to be bitchy...and I thought it was me.... that I was the one being too sensitive. We talked a little... he told me he doesn't want me to feel that way... and I said "i know... that's why I'm telling you... cause I know you aren't doing it intentionally."
The eventual outcome was for us to watch a movie, and then he took me to bed. It was really slow and sensual. At one point he started falling asleep.. because it was slow, and I was really enjoying the moment. the spending time together... the touching, the just enjoying each other's company. But there were moments when we were kissing, and it seemed as thought he wasn't on the same wavelength as me... an example? his tongue was moving way way faster than mine... and he wouldn't get in the groove with me... where he just went slow.. in fact it bothered me so much at one point I told him so....
I tell you, its so hard to tell someone what they are doing isn't making you feel good, when you know they are trying to.... anyways... I tried to bring his attention to it.. but I think I just sounded cryptic.. how do you explain to someone that you want them to get in tune with you? that seems so cryptic.
As he started to fall asleep.. I finally got up the courage to say"there is a moment here that you are going to miss if you fall asleep" he didn't really understand.. and told me he thinks I think that he can read my mind.. I told him I know I can't that's why I give him subtle hints... and that if he really wants to know what I am thinking listen to my body language.. if I'm touching him.. I want to be touched.... If I'm talking.. I want to talk...sometimes I'm a little more blunt.. but just listen to my body language if he doesn't understand.... he didn't really understand what I was saying, but how I was feeling, is after our talk we had gotten really close... and that if we made love it would be an expression of that closeness and it takes something to get there.. so if nothing happened, we'd miss that beautiful moment of sharing that space with each other.. of getting really close, and being really intimate in that closeness... he didn't really understand.. but stayed awake.... and we eventually found that place..... that really intimate space.... and when we were making love... I whispered in his ear "this is the moment I was worried you'd miss" he smiled at me.
When we were done, I told him that I really needed moments like that... where I feel connected with him... its what fuels everything else... when life is shit.. when you have those REALLY REALLY good moments, you can get through the rest. I told him I really needed that.. and he told me so did he.. I was glad he saw it.
I went to sleep.... I missed school today... and I have been feeling more and more that I have put myself in his life... and cause I want to spend so much time with him... that I am forgetting I have a life outside this.. and I am going to have to start living it again soon.... that he can't occupy all my time.. but I enjoy his company soo much.. that this is ok for right now....
There's this movie I watched two days ago that was profoundly moving to me.. its called " how do you know". I expected it to be a comedy, but it was the most real representation of relationships and life I have ever seen in a movie.
For most it would have been a happy ever after movie.. entertainment, but for me, it showed what people have to decide in order for their life to work... and when there's love knocking at your door you have to do anything you can to allow it to happen.. and then just let it happen....
It was an interesting take on life, because all the characters are going through a huge change in their life.. where they are profoundly changing who they are.... getting uncomfortable and they're typical way of being isn't working anymore.. so they have to make changes.. each person in the movie is at a different time in their waking up process... what I mean by waking up.. is realizing that love is amazing... that listening and being in touch with other people.. caring about another human being is the only way to make life work... each character has to look at ways they have been being and how that sells out on themselves.... and they have to change.
What I found most interesting is the character that is "the player" changes too.. but his change is relatively subtle.. but huge for him. Same with the father character.... he treats everyone a certain way and has always.. and over the course of the film he has to come to grips with that.. and realize that he has to own the things he has done.. and take responsibility.....
taking responsibility is a difficult thing for many.... for some they just do it.... like me.
Why the movie was so profound is the love story. The main character wants nothing more than to make things work.. and she's willing to give anyone a chance... they just have to show up.. but she won't settle for anything less than what she deserves... its not easy for her.. but she's on the right track.... but she'll always give you the benefit of the doubt.... and forgive you and give you another shot.. if you are willing to take it.
I feel like I have alot of those characteristics.. except that sometimes I let people treat me a way I don't like so as to not hurt their feelings.... but in the process my feelings get hurt.... which is what caused a profound shift in me tonight.
One thing J has done for me... is makes me really feel like he cares... but with me knowing that it has caused me to be really aware of when he's not caring... and because its such a different feeling I am aware that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.. so its my promise to myself to teach him.. to tell him when he's doing things that hurt me.. so he knows.. and then he knows what to change....
I was really struggling with saying anything because I was worried he would think I wanted him to change.. but I guess I do... only the little things that hurt my feelings.... nothing on a fundamental level....
He's been incredibly negative lately.. and it gets to me... (which is what the earlier thing I talked about was about) When ever he's negative I snap at him.... and tell him not to think that way... but the other thing is when he makes remarks that are poking at me... or accusing me of things in a joking manner....
I have never understood humour like that... where its at the expense of someone else.... it has always hurt me, and my whole life I have had people tell me to lighten up... they have accused me of not having a sense of humour.. and I have believed them.... but I'm starting to not believe them anymore.
J made a comment, haphazardly today... and I caught him saying it... the comment was like this
"what happened to the money that was on the table"
"I don't know"
"ok.... "
"I didn't take it...."
"I know you didn't, why would you think that I would think that"
"I didn't, I'm just saying"
I found the money and then put it in my pocket
he watched me do this and teased me that I was trying to hide it from him.
"right in the pocket eh?"
"I'm not hiding it from you."
"I know... "
"No J, please don't think that I think for a second that you would take money from me... I would never think that.. in fact had you said you put it in your wallet that wouldn't have bothered me..."
"I know.. I know..."
"ok... but I just don't want you to think that I would ever think anything like that"
"I don't... I was just teasing..."
"ok... but you said it, so you must have thought it.. "
"its ok A."
In a split second it occured to me that he just doesn't get why I was upset.. and why I took it personally.. so I said "I think I know where our miscommunication comes... can I say something."
he stopped and rolled his eyes to focus on me... the simple act made me feel like he REALLY REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.
I felt it well up inside me... and said, with all the courage I have
"that's not ok."
"what?"
"that.... when I ask if I can say something and you roll your eyes at me like the last thing in the world you want to do is listen to what I have to say"
"that's not what I was doing"
"yes it was"
"no..."
"you rolled your eyes at me"
"I was focusing on you"
"that's not how it felt...."
"well I'm sorry."
"I just want to tell you something and have you want to listen"
"I do want to listen"
"ok... really?"
"yes"
"ok... I was just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.... I just feel like if you joke about something that it came up in your head.. and I don't want you to ever think that of me... I really don't want you to think that I am trying to make your life harder... or I'm trying to hide things from you"
"I'm sorry for taking it personally, but it hurt my feelings."
this isn't exactly, cause obviously I can't remember everything that was said.. but I think its close...
"I don't want to hurt your feelings... I guess some people just have a better sense of humour than other."
I was soo hurt by this statement, I walked away.
What went through my head was... for the first time I was going to put myself first.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I was worried about what other people would say.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I wanted to... I was only going to stay if he wanted me to stay and he was going to show me he cared....
I said to myself, the good thing about not having moved into each other's apartments yet was that I could leave... and I was leaving.. even though it was breaking my heart, cause I was scared this was going to be it... I knew that I wouldn't be ok staying in a relationship where I wasn't respected.. and where what I had to say wasn't valued.. and where I was being accused of not having a sense of humour when all I was trying to do was express myself...
last night in bed, when I told him that I hadn't said anything cause i didn't want him to feel like I wasn't appreciative of what he has been doing for me... that I was worried that I was being crazy.. and being too sensitive... he told me that I can always tell him... so here I was, telling him.. and he REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.. I'll be honest.. I get it.. its not easy to listen to someone say.. your humour hurts my feelings... and let yourself sit with that... that's opening up this can of worms called.. "I hurt people with my sense of humour" and that's not a nice thing to realize about yourself... so I'll be honest, I understood why he was being defensive... but I decided that I wasn't going to stay if there was no space for us to even talk...
so I started packing my things.... I was almost done... when he sat down in the kitchen.. and said "you aren't talking to me anymore?"
I stopped and said "I'm not the one not talking... you aren't talking to me."
""I was going to say something and you walked away."
I looked straight at him. Took a breath to calm my energy down and said "what were you going to say?"
he couldn't do it... he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"please.. please just tell me."
"I don't want you to leave."
"why did it take you 15 minutes to tell me that?"
"I've been packing for 15 minutes? why did it take you that long?"
"well I just realized 5 minutes ago... but"
"you know what J.. the one good thing about me living somewhere else is that I can leave... I have the choice and if I feel like you don't care.. I'm going to leave"
"I do care... but I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want.. I'm not going to make this hard... do what you want."
"you are not stopping me if you tell me you don't want me to leave.. I'm leaving because I feel like you don't care, if you tell me you don't want me to leave, then I feel like you care."
I can't remember everything from that moment on.... but I will write it like I remember... or at least try.
"He hugged me and kissed me.. and said.. so how are you feeling now... and I said"like you care. he kissed me.... and then stepped back... he had this look on his face....
"can I ask you something? do you think this fight was productive or not?"
"I'm just worried where this is heading"
"what do you mean"
"just we've only been dating 2 months... I don't want to just fight... I don't want this to turn into us fighting all the time."
it was so hard for me to hear this.. to see that this could be it... and that the most important thing I could do for myself was to be honest
"well if you don't want to fight ever... then I'll be honest... I'm probably not the girl for you... this isn't going to be easy.... there are going to be things that upset me... and you told me I can tell you what's going on in my head.... I want this to work soo badly, that I am willing to tell you whats going on in my head, knowing that any time you could say this is too much for you.. but I tell you cause I am committed to trying to make this work. We are still trying this thing out.... and we don't really know each other that well, and so I am trying to make it easier for you, trying to tell you the things that hurt my feelings... that bother me... but that's not easy.. its not easy to hear when things you do hurt another person.... but I'm willing to fight.... but if you don't want to argue... then I got nothing."
" I just want this to be easy..."
"ok, do you want to drive me home then?"
"I think that maybe I should... and just give us a little while to think about this."
"ok."
He stood there... not really knowing what to say or do.... I asked him "want some advice?"
he said"yes"
"I think you are looking at this argument like most arguments where both people don't feel like the other person hears them.... where both people are talking.. but no one listens...and the next fight is just a continuation of that fight... where people are just yelling, no one is hearing anyone else and nothing gets resolved.. this is not one of those fights... we talked... we listened and we, I think, solved the problem... it was productive.... its not easy.... relationships take work.... if you look at it being easy.. its easy when we look at just the hanging out.. we get along really well, and have a lot of fun.. that doesn't take work.. but knowing what the other person needs.. that takes work...I'm willing, but if you aren't.. then that's ok"
I was incredibly calm... I wasn't angry.. I was just accepting each moment as it came... allowing him to make his choice... and allowing myself to be ok with whatever choice he made... of course I didn't want him to drive me home... but if that;s what he felt would be easier.. if he wasn't willing to go through this.. and come out on the other side.. I admitted to myself there was no hope for a future cause I can't be with someone who doesn't want to grow.
"J, I feel like i told you on our second date.. that relationships are there to learn.. to grow... that's what you offer me... "that's what you do for me too" "....you make me feel like I want to be a better person... to look at some of the things I do and change them... but its really really difficult to grow... you have to look at the hard things.. the things that are not too nice about yourself.. its really hard... "
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm hurting your feelings"
"I know.. that's why I am telling you when you do.. so you don't have to read my mind... so you know.. I don't want you to feel like you have to change... but I don't want to feel this way.. people have been telling me that I have a bad sense of humour my whole life... I'm sorry that it hurts my feelings..."
"no, you don't have to be sorry...."
"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"its ok... I'm sorry that I didn't get that it was a joke and it was teasing... "
"no I was poking fun.. it wasn't really that funny...I'm sorry."
"its ok.... "
he started getting on his shoes and said "lets go to the store and pick up some things to get dinner"
"ok."
as he was tying his shoes.. his eyes were down and he said
"I love you A. J.."
I stopped and tears welled in my eyes.
"I really do love you... and I'm sorry... I know that I have been busy... and maybe this isn't a really good time for me to start a relationship.. with this job and everything... I know that I haven't really been paying much attention to you... and I feel bad that we haven't really done anything lately.. and that I don't have any money to do anything...."
"thank-you, that's nice to know."
"I just met you... and I didn't want to miss out on you."
"thank-you for saying that... I just need to know what's going on in your head....I know this is a difficult time for you... and that's why I struggle.. cause I keep telling myself that you are only this way cause you are stressed out... and that its just the circumstances.. not you.... that when the circumstances change you aren't going to be like this.. but I have to know that the case.."
"well things may not change.."
"ok.... well then... if things don't change.. then more than anything I need to know you care and you want me around...."
"I do want you around"
"then show me.... life is tough.. I get that... but I'm willing to fight with you... so long as I feel that you care... I will only stay for as long as you care... I will make you a promise.. I will stay... only until you make me feel like you don't care...ok?"
"but I don't want you to feel like I don't care."
"then talk to me.. I will always be willing to talk about it.... but you have to make me feel like you care... I cannot stay if you don't care...."
"ok.. I do care... I do want to listen to you...."
"J, when I say things... I really think about what I am going to say...so if you behave like you don't want to hear, then I feel like you don't want to hear.. and you don't care.. I assure you I am only saying what I am saying to help our relationship.... I'm not just speaking... and I need you to value what I have to say... I am not trying to make your life more difficult..."
"ok."
"I know this is difficult. but I'm willing...."
"ok... I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to hear what you have to say, what's going on in your head"
"even if it hurts your feelings?"
"even if it hurts my feelings."
"ok."
he hugged me. and kissed me... and told me he loved me again.
and in that moment I felt like even though I was terrified to say anything.. it was one of the most important things I could have done... to be completely honest with him.. and tell him how he was hurting me... and not selling out on my feelings.
respecting my own experience... and knowing my own limits.. trusting that if he loved me he would be willing to listen.. and talk.... that this isn't going to be easy.. us changing and growing isn't going to be easy.... I see what he's going through and I've been there, and I can't make it any easier, because its his journey... but I'm willing to stay... and help him through this process... but I am very aware right now that I am very different then most.. and I can't be bothered with the fake bullshit.. I want things to be real... I really want things to be real and authentic.... and that I am going to have to make myself uncomfortable to make that happen.
We are starting P90X tomorrow.. I am scared shit less.. but I guess that's appropriate... he has to deal with all these emotional demons.. I have to deal with physical ones.... I'm willing to do it.. but I am terrified of failing...of not doing well ... I like the idea, but I don't want to do the work to get there... just like he was saying about the argument.... but I know in my heart its really really important that I do this.. for us.. and for me.... doesn't make it any easier...
So there... that's what I got.
I absolutely love him.. because even though it takes something he's willing to listen.. and make changes... on his way out to work he hugged me and said "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" I said "I'm sorry that being yourself sometimes hurts my feelings" he didn't really take that well.. but I know that's essentially what I was doing.. telling him that something he does everyday doesn't work for me..(is sarcastic.. pokes fun). and its not just that it bothers me.. it hurts my feelings... and that's hard. I am very willing to admit that I am not easy to be with... that I challenge people... and that its much easier to just stick with how you've always been... its much more difficult to change.... I know... man do I know.. . this so far outside of my comfort zone... beer and sex... that's easy for me... being fully self expressed at the expense of ruining everything.. now that's a challenge.
but one that seems to be paying off.... cause I guess I am realizing that at the end of the day... he's only the right one if I can be completely self expressed... that what I have to say is valued.. completely... that I should expect him to treat me the way I treat him... and nothing less... but that sometimes he may not know what to do.. and its my job to have compassion and love for him.. if he's willing to learn... then I will let him... the second he stops wanting to learn.. and stops caring... then I have to be willing to let go.....
I feel there is room for greatness for him.. if he's willing to step into those shoes..... and I love him more because he's going to at least try.
I feel like I am starting to get this life thing right.... that the key is respecting yourself.... as long as you are doing that... and respecting other on that path... then you are on the right path... you are moving forward... the ironic thing is that learning that isn't as easy as it sounds.
Over the past week I have seen myself starting to fall into my typical behaviour.. falling in love with someone eventually leads you to a point where you are concerned about losing them.. and as a result you start wondering if how you feel is being overly - something.. like... or at least a close cousin to neurotic... I don't want to be bitchy or naggy.. I don't want J to feel like I'm asking him to change, so I let things slide, convincing myself that I am over reacting..
Particularly recently I have felt a little neglected.... like he'll stay up late watching tv, or doing stuff on the computer.... what helped me fall in love with J was that he just made me feel so special.. like what I had to say was just perfect.. he made me feel like I was just great, just being me... and that he wanted nothing else more than to spend time with me... and because of that, I wanted him to feel as special as i do, so I would do what ever I could to make him happy.. clean the dishes when I didn't want to.. clean the house while he was at work.. make him dinner... just anything I could to make his life easier.
But over the past few weeks I have felt like he's just living with me around.. he hasn't really done anything to make me feel special, or wanted... just that he's satisfied... but no longer making an effort.
What's hard is that I want this to be easy... and I don't want to jump to conclusions... but I started snapping at him... every time he would say a negative comment I would make a snarky comment back.... and he picked up on it and called me out last night.... he said "you seem to be getting angry a lot with me lately. "
"yes" I responded... "I am" "I'm sorry.. I just feel like you aren't really paying much attention to me.. and its making me a little bitchy. I proceeded to tell him that I was sorry, but that all week I felt like he didn't really care about hanging out with me.. and every time I wanted to hang out with him or share something I felt like he'd rather be doing anything but hang out with me.. that I love hanging out with him.... and I want him to feel the same about me... with nothing else... " I told him I didn't want to tell him cause I didn't want to be bitchy...and I thought it was me.... that I was the one being too sensitive. We talked a little... he told me he doesn't want me to feel that way... and I said "i know... that's why I'm telling you... cause I know you aren't doing it intentionally."
The eventual outcome was for us to watch a movie, and then he took me to bed. It was really slow and sensual. At one point he started falling asleep.. because it was slow, and I was really enjoying the moment. the spending time together... the touching, the just enjoying each other's company. But there were moments when we were kissing, and it seemed as thought he wasn't on the same wavelength as me... an example? his tongue was moving way way faster than mine... and he wouldn't get in the groove with me... where he just went slow.. in fact it bothered me so much at one point I told him so....
I tell you, its so hard to tell someone what they are doing isn't making you feel good, when you know they are trying to.... anyways... I tried to bring his attention to it.. but I think I just sounded cryptic.. how do you explain to someone that you want them to get in tune with you? that seems so cryptic.
As he started to fall asleep.. I finally got up the courage to say"there is a moment here that you are going to miss if you fall asleep" he didn't really understand.. and told me he thinks I think that he can read my mind.. I told him I know I can't that's why I give him subtle hints... and that if he really wants to know what I am thinking listen to my body language.. if I'm touching him.. I want to be touched.... If I'm talking.. I want to talk...sometimes I'm a little more blunt.. but just listen to my body language if he doesn't understand.... he didn't really understand what I was saying, but how I was feeling, is after our talk we had gotten really close... and that if we made love it would be an expression of that closeness and it takes something to get there.. so if nothing happened, we'd miss that beautiful moment of sharing that space with each other.. of getting really close, and being really intimate in that closeness... he didn't really understand.. but stayed awake.... and we eventually found that place..... that really intimate space.... and when we were making love... I whispered in his ear "this is the moment I was worried you'd miss" he smiled at me.
When we were done, I told him that I really needed moments like that... where I feel connected with him... its what fuels everything else... when life is shit.. when you have those REALLY REALLY good moments, you can get through the rest. I told him I really needed that.. and he told me so did he.. I was glad he saw it.
I went to sleep.... I missed school today... and I have been feeling more and more that I have put myself in his life... and cause I want to spend so much time with him... that I am forgetting I have a life outside this.. and I am going to have to start living it again soon.... that he can't occupy all my time.. but I enjoy his company soo much.. that this is ok for right now....
There's this movie I watched two days ago that was profoundly moving to me.. its called " how do you know". I expected it to be a comedy, but it was the most real representation of relationships and life I have ever seen in a movie.
For most it would have been a happy ever after movie.. entertainment, but for me, it showed what people have to decide in order for their life to work... and when there's love knocking at your door you have to do anything you can to allow it to happen.. and then just let it happen....
It was an interesting take on life, because all the characters are going through a huge change in their life.. where they are profoundly changing who they are.... getting uncomfortable and they're typical way of being isn't working anymore.. so they have to make changes.. each person in the movie is at a different time in their waking up process... what I mean by waking up.. is realizing that love is amazing... that listening and being in touch with other people.. caring about another human being is the only way to make life work... each character has to look at ways they have been being and how that sells out on themselves.... and they have to change.
What I found most interesting is the character that is "the player" changes too.. but his change is relatively subtle.. but huge for him. Same with the father character.... he treats everyone a certain way and has always.. and over the course of the film he has to come to grips with that.. and realize that he has to own the things he has done.. and take responsibility.....
taking responsibility is a difficult thing for many.... for some they just do it.... like me.
Why the movie was so profound is the love story. The main character wants nothing more than to make things work.. and she's willing to give anyone a chance... they just have to show up.. but she won't settle for anything less than what she deserves... its not easy for her.. but she's on the right track.... but she'll always give you the benefit of the doubt.... and forgive you and give you another shot.. if you are willing to take it.
I feel like I have alot of those characteristics.. except that sometimes I let people treat me a way I don't like so as to not hurt their feelings.... but in the process my feelings get hurt.... which is what caused a profound shift in me tonight.
One thing J has done for me... is makes me really feel like he cares... but with me knowing that it has caused me to be really aware of when he's not caring... and because its such a different feeling I am aware that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.. so its my promise to myself to teach him.. to tell him when he's doing things that hurt me.. so he knows.. and then he knows what to change....
I was really struggling with saying anything because I was worried he would think I wanted him to change.. but I guess I do... only the little things that hurt my feelings.... nothing on a fundamental level....
He's been incredibly negative lately.. and it gets to me... (which is what the earlier thing I talked about was about) When ever he's negative I snap at him.... and tell him not to think that way... but the other thing is when he makes remarks that are poking at me... or accusing me of things in a joking manner....
I have never understood humour like that... where its at the expense of someone else.... it has always hurt me, and my whole life I have had people tell me to lighten up... they have accused me of not having a sense of humour.. and I have believed them.... but I'm starting to not believe them anymore.
J made a comment, haphazardly today... and I caught him saying it... the comment was like this
"what happened to the money that was on the table"
"I don't know"
"ok.... "
"I didn't take it...."
"I know you didn't, why would you think that I would think that"
"I didn't, I'm just saying"
I found the money and then put it in my pocket
he watched me do this and teased me that I was trying to hide it from him.
"right in the pocket eh?"
"I'm not hiding it from you."
"I know... "
"No J, please don't think that I think for a second that you would take money from me... I would never think that.. in fact had you said you put it in your wallet that wouldn't have bothered me..."
"I know.. I know..."
"ok... but I just don't want you to think that I would ever think anything like that"
"I don't... I was just teasing..."
"ok... but you said it, so you must have thought it.. "
"its ok A."
In a split second it occured to me that he just doesn't get why I was upset.. and why I took it personally.. so I said "I think I know where our miscommunication comes... can I say something."
he stopped and rolled his eyes to focus on me... the simple act made me feel like he REALLY REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.
I felt it well up inside me... and said, with all the courage I have
"that's not ok."
"what?"
"that.... when I ask if I can say something and you roll your eyes at me like the last thing in the world you want to do is listen to what I have to say"
"that's not what I was doing"
"yes it was"
"no..."
"you rolled your eyes at me"
"I was focusing on you"
"that's not how it felt...."
"well I'm sorry."
"I just want to tell you something and have you want to listen"
"I do want to listen"
"ok... really?"
"yes"
"ok... I was just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did.... I just feel like if you joke about something that it came up in your head.. and I don't want you to ever think that of me... I really don't want you to think that I am trying to make your life harder... or I'm trying to hide things from you"
"I'm sorry for taking it personally, but it hurt my feelings."
this isn't exactly, cause obviously I can't remember everything that was said.. but I think its close...
"I don't want to hurt your feelings... I guess some people just have a better sense of humour than other."
I was soo hurt by this statement, I walked away.
What went through my head was... for the first time I was going to put myself first.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I was worried about what other people would say.. I wasn't just going to stay cause I wanted to... I was only going to stay if he wanted me to stay and he was going to show me he cared....
I said to myself, the good thing about not having moved into each other's apartments yet was that I could leave... and I was leaving.. even though it was breaking my heart, cause I was scared this was going to be it... I knew that I wouldn't be ok staying in a relationship where I wasn't respected.. and where what I had to say wasn't valued.. and where I was being accused of not having a sense of humour when all I was trying to do was express myself...
last night in bed, when I told him that I hadn't said anything cause i didn't want him to feel like I wasn't appreciative of what he has been doing for me... that I was worried that I was being crazy.. and being too sensitive... he told me that I can always tell him... so here I was, telling him.. and he REALLY didn't want to hear what I had to say.. I'll be honest.. I get it.. its not easy to listen to someone say.. your humour hurts my feelings... and let yourself sit with that... that's opening up this can of worms called.. "I hurt people with my sense of humour" and that's not a nice thing to realize about yourself... so I'll be honest, I understood why he was being defensive... but I decided that I wasn't going to stay if there was no space for us to even talk...
so I started packing my things.... I was almost done... when he sat down in the kitchen.. and said "you aren't talking to me anymore?"
I stopped and said "I'm not the one not talking... you aren't talking to me."
""I was going to say something and you walked away."
I looked straight at him. Took a breath to calm my energy down and said "what were you going to say?"
he couldn't do it... he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"please.. please just tell me."
"I don't want you to leave."
"why did it take you 15 minutes to tell me that?"
"I've been packing for 15 minutes? why did it take you that long?"
"well I just realized 5 minutes ago... but"
"you know what J.. the one good thing about me living somewhere else is that I can leave... I have the choice and if I feel like you don't care.. I'm going to leave"
"I do care... but I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want.. I'm not going to make this hard... do what you want."
"you are not stopping me if you tell me you don't want me to leave.. I'm leaving because I feel like you don't care, if you tell me you don't want me to leave, then I feel like you care."
I can't remember everything from that moment on.... but I will write it like I remember... or at least try.
"He hugged me and kissed me.. and said.. so how are you feeling now... and I said"like you care. he kissed me.... and then stepped back... he had this look on his face....
"can I ask you something? do you think this fight was productive or not?"
"I'm just worried where this is heading"
"what do you mean"
"just we've only been dating 2 months... I don't want to just fight... I don't want this to turn into us fighting all the time."
it was so hard for me to hear this.. to see that this could be it... and that the most important thing I could do for myself was to be honest
"well if you don't want to fight ever... then I'll be honest... I'm probably not the girl for you... this isn't going to be easy.... there are going to be things that upset me... and you told me I can tell you what's going on in my head.... I want this to work soo badly, that I am willing to tell you whats going on in my head, knowing that any time you could say this is too much for you.. but I tell you cause I am committed to trying to make this work. We are still trying this thing out.... and we don't really know each other that well, and so I am trying to make it easier for you, trying to tell you the things that hurt my feelings... that bother me... but that's not easy.. its not easy to hear when things you do hurt another person.... but I'm willing to fight.... but if you don't want to argue... then I got nothing."
" I just want this to be easy..."
"ok, do you want to drive me home then?"
"I think that maybe I should... and just give us a little while to think about this."
"ok."
He stood there... not really knowing what to say or do.... I asked him "want some advice?"
he said"yes"
"I think you are looking at this argument like most arguments where both people don't feel like the other person hears them.... where both people are talking.. but no one listens...and the next fight is just a continuation of that fight... where people are just yelling, no one is hearing anyone else and nothing gets resolved.. this is not one of those fights... we talked... we listened and we, I think, solved the problem... it was productive.... its not easy.... relationships take work.... if you look at it being easy.. its easy when we look at just the hanging out.. we get along really well, and have a lot of fun.. that doesn't take work.. but knowing what the other person needs.. that takes work...I'm willing, but if you aren't.. then that's ok"
I was incredibly calm... I wasn't angry.. I was just accepting each moment as it came... allowing him to make his choice... and allowing myself to be ok with whatever choice he made... of course I didn't want him to drive me home... but if that;s what he felt would be easier.. if he wasn't willing to go through this.. and come out on the other side.. I admitted to myself there was no hope for a future cause I can't be with someone who doesn't want to grow.
"J, I feel like i told you on our second date.. that relationships are there to learn.. to grow... that's what you offer me... "that's what you do for me too" "....you make me feel like I want to be a better person... to look at some of the things I do and change them... but its really really difficult to grow... you have to look at the hard things.. the things that are not too nice about yourself.. its really hard... "
"I just don't want you to feel like I'm hurting your feelings"
"I know.. that's why I am telling you when you do.. so you don't have to read my mind... so you know.. I don't want you to feel like you have to change... but I don't want to feel this way.. people have been telling me that I have a bad sense of humour my whole life... I'm sorry that it hurts my feelings..."
"no, you don't have to be sorry...."
"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"its ok... I'm sorry that I didn't get that it was a joke and it was teasing... "
"no I was poking fun.. it wasn't really that funny...I'm sorry."
"its ok.... "
he started getting on his shoes and said "lets go to the store and pick up some things to get dinner"
"ok."
as he was tying his shoes.. his eyes were down and he said
"I love you A. J.."
I stopped and tears welled in my eyes.
"I really do love you... and I'm sorry... I know that I have been busy... and maybe this isn't a really good time for me to start a relationship.. with this job and everything... I know that I haven't really been paying much attention to you... and I feel bad that we haven't really done anything lately.. and that I don't have any money to do anything...."
"thank-you, that's nice to know."
"I just met you... and I didn't want to miss out on you."
"thank-you for saying that... I just need to know what's going on in your head....I know this is a difficult time for you... and that's why I struggle.. cause I keep telling myself that you are only this way cause you are stressed out... and that its just the circumstances.. not you.... that when the circumstances change you aren't going to be like this.. but I have to know that the case.."
"well things may not change.."
"ok.... well then... if things don't change.. then more than anything I need to know you care and you want me around...."
"I do want you around"
"then show me.... life is tough.. I get that... but I'm willing to fight with you... so long as I feel that you care... I will only stay for as long as you care... I will make you a promise.. I will stay... only until you make me feel like you don't care...ok?"
"but I don't want you to feel like I don't care."
"then talk to me.. I will always be willing to talk about it.... but you have to make me feel like you care... I cannot stay if you don't care...."
"ok.. I do care... I do want to listen to you...."
"J, when I say things... I really think about what I am going to say...so if you behave like you don't want to hear, then I feel like you don't want to hear.. and you don't care.. I assure you I am only saying what I am saying to help our relationship.... I'm not just speaking... and I need you to value what I have to say... I am not trying to make your life more difficult..."
"ok."
"I know this is difficult. but I'm willing...."
"ok... I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to hear what you have to say, what's going on in your head"
"even if it hurts your feelings?"
"even if it hurts my feelings."
"ok."
he hugged me. and kissed me... and told me he loved me again.
and in that moment I felt like even though I was terrified to say anything.. it was one of the most important things I could have done... to be completely honest with him.. and tell him how he was hurting me... and not selling out on my feelings.
respecting my own experience... and knowing my own limits.. trusting that if he loved me he would be willing to listen.. and talk.... that this isn't going to be easy.. us changing and growing isn't going to be easy.... I see what he's going through and I've been there, and I can't make it any easier, because its his journey... but I'm willing to stay... and help him through this process... but I am very aware right now that I am very different then most.. and I can't be bothered with the fake bullshit.. I want things to be real... I really want things to be real and authentic.... and that I am going to have to make myself uncomfortable to make that happen.
We are starting P90X tomorrow.. I am scared shit less.. but I guess that's appropriate... he has to deal with all these emotional demons.. I have to deal with physical ones.... I'm willing to do it.. but I am terrified of failing...of not doing well ... I like the idea, but I don't want to do the work to get there... just like he was saying about the argument.... but I know in my heart its really really important that I do this.. for us.. and for me.... doesn't make it any easier...
So there... that's what I got.
I absolutely love him.. because even though it takes something he's willing to listen.. and make changes... on his way out to work he hugged me and said "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" I said "I'm sorry that being yourself sometimes hurts my feelings" he didn't really take that well.. but I know that's essentially what I was doing.. telling him that something he does everyday doesn't work for me..(is sarcastic.. pokes fun). and its not just that it bothers me.. it hurts my feelings... and that's hard. I am very willing to admit that I am not easy to be with... that I challenge people... and that its much easier to just stick with how you've always been... its much more difficult to change.... I know... man do I know.. . this so far outside of my comfort zone... beer and sex... that's easy for me... being fully self expressed at the expense of ruining everything.. now that's a challenge.
but one that seems to be paying off.... cause I guess I am realizing that at the end of the day... he's only the right one if I can be completely self expressed... that what I have to say is valued.. completely... that I should expect him to treat me the way I treat him... and nothing less... but that sometimes he may not know what to do.. and its my job to have compassion and love for him.. if he's willing to learn... then I will let him... the second he stops wanting to learn.. and stops caring... then I have to be willing to let go.....
I feel there is room for greatness for him.. if he's willing to step into those shoes..... and I love him more because he's going to at least try.
I feel like I am starting to get this life thing right.... that the key is respecting yourself.... as long as you are doing that... and respecting other on that path... then you are on the right path... you are moving forward... the ironic thing is that learning that isn't as easy as it sounds.
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