So, My year is coming to a close.. and what a year it has been. You know how people talk about going off and finding yourself... well I've always thought this was silly cause how can you find yourself? You are yourself?? I think what this ultimately means is giving you the time to explore your inner self, where perhaps in another place, home, where everyone has a fixed idea of who you are is much more difficult.
So I have found myself... as much as one can in a year of self discovery. Korea offered me the space to be on my own and diiscover the things that make me happy, encourage growth and I think being on my own has brought me to a place where I can hear what my heart is saying more clearly..
So as the year draws to a close I was trying to figure out what to do next... I've been through many ups and downs about what to ultimately decide. Usually my decisions consist of, what do I want to do? then.. what's the practical thing to do... back and forth...
Ultimately the clarity about what to do next happened while i was in Malaysia. I found a little advertisement looking for crew for a sail boat... I have always wanted to learn how to sail and so when I got here I was looking into the possibility of crewing for a tall ship, but all the information I found either cost an exorbitant amount of money or wasn't really what I was looking for... and then this popped up. I hadn't ever thought about working on a sail ship... to be honest I think it was the lack of people that caused me to shy away from this idea. I've always been drawn to big crowds, a lot of people.. and well let's be honest... the possibility of men:P
But if this year has taught me anything, its that I rather enjoy small groups of people, being on my own, silence.. and I am NOT looking for men anymore... in fact most of the time I would rather not even have the temptation:P
So, the idea of sailing on a small sailing vessle seemed ideal. Just the kind of thing that I was looking for.
After sending an email to the listed address, I was sent a response saying that they were no longer in need of crew but they knew someone who was. A couple of e-mails later... I find myself planning a trip to Thailand to meet up with a ex airforce captain and his 44' sloop, and I don't think I could be happier.
I can't explain what it feels like to know that I will be doing an end...something that I've always wanted to do... a secret dream of mine. It's not to get anywhere, but just ot enjoy...
Now inside of making the decision to do this I was trying to figure out what to do next... after this trip, and was seriously thinking about coming back here... extending my contract and replacing the other teacher at my school , I flip flopped back and forth.. then one day I woke up and asked myself.. if you had all the money in the world... what does your heart say? and it said... NO NO NO NO PLease don't make me come back!
I thought about it for a few weeks, and at the end of the day I decided that I never want to be planning to go anywhere feeling miserable about it.. and if for no other reason than taht, I couldn't come back.. well atleast not guarantee coming back to someone. I knew if I did I would spend the next 4 months not living in the moment but in the future of Korea and wouldn't enjoy myself as much. In addition I also saw that I wasn't trusting the universe to provide, that I was saying... I don't know what will happen so I mine as well be safe... but when is safe really fun??
So I am taking a leap of faith, and letting things be exactly how they are supposed to be... enjoying my life and letting it dance through me.
So in 5 weeks I am heading to Laos for a couple of weeks where I will celebrate the buddhist New Year... and then by mid April meet up with the boat.. and see where life takes me.
I'm really finding a sense of peace within myself, in my day to day existance and its wonderful. Having faith in that everything should be how it is... is so freeing.
So I'm jumping again... with no safety net... but this time it feels a little easier...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Soul Mates...
I read in a book once.. (eat pray love).. soul mates are the people that come in to your life crack you open, show you everything you are and everything you are not.. and then beat it.
I really felt connected to that line when I read it a few years ago.. and it could be no more closer to the truth than what I am feeling right now.
The guy I wrote you about a month ago, I feel really is a soul mate. But perhaps not in the way that I wanted him to be. He's amazing, and nothing has changed about how I feel about him, except for how I feel about myself.
He's amazing and we still connect on this really core level. He lost his mom last spring, and having another person to talk about what its like, and perhaps give some input on the path of dealing with such a loss has been really special for me. Not to mention having so much in common.
From the get go I felt like we were on the same page... and he kept alluding to having something more between us, everything I felt, he would say, like sharing our lives together, seeing where this goes, travelling.. etc. But from our initial phone conversation, he also kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he didn't think that he would be a great boyfriend right now, that he needed his space. He was dealing with his stuff, and needed to deal with it on his own.
I think I was very blind to what he was saying, or atleast, now I realize that I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to be able to be the girl without any expectations, that could give him the space he needs, and just accept the relationship as it was... but there was always this hope that it would flourish into something more.. and with that comes a want to be in communication.
I am the kind of person that needs to be in constant communication. I need to be reassured that everything is ok. I need to know what is going on... I've always fought against those tendencies because I am aware that they can be slightly over bearing at times.. and with this guy he was even saying so... but they are consistently there, and I can't ignore them.
So our communications have gotten to be less and less frequent over the past month. Then he ended up calling a few weeks ago and we had this amazing conversation and he ended up telling me he loves me... and that he considers me one of his soul mates.
I was bouncing off the walls. I had never had a guy say anything like that to me before.. and so it was extra special for me.. and with that came a want to talk to him constantly... well by this weekend it ended up being 2 weeks since i had heard from him... absolutely NO communication.. and considering it was Valentine's Day, i was also hoping to hear from him, because he's as close to a boy friend as I have right now.
I didn't think much of it, but by Monday I wa feeling pretty sad... and realized I was super dissapointed.
As a result I decided to tell him, because considering he is on the other side of the world, there's no room for hoping someone knows how you feel... you have to spell it out.. So I did.
I sent him an e-mail telling him that I was hurt... that I know its alot of pressure, and that he's said that he wants his space, but still I have to be honest, and I'm hurt....
He ended up writing me back the next morning.. basically telling me that he's been incredibly busy, that he barely has time for himself and therefor has no time for talking to me... that he was sorry that he hurt my feelings, but that he didn't think that it would be something that I would expect from him considering we were not in a relationship...
He then went on to tell me that he felt an incredible amont of pressure from me... that he has told me countless times that he needs his space and that I can't seem to give it to him... That I have expectations that he just can't fill, that iits all very draining on him.
I realized that I was loving him the way that I want to be loved, calling, writing e-mails, being in constant communication... and that that's not what he needs right now... BUT in realizing that I also realized that I DO need that... and how much I have grown in the past year gave me the space to tell myself that that was ok.
And so I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.. I can't pretend that I don't want more, that its ok that he doesn't talk to me for weeks... that I don't want to share every moment of my life with him... I realized that THAT is just me and that its fine. That he was right all along, but that I had to figure it out on my own.. for myself... and so..
I've decided to let go.
I've realized that I trully deserve everything that I want... and that includes someone that wants to talk to me all the time, that wants to share their life with me... who is in a place where they CAN give themselves and their time...
I think that I have spent so much of my time with men accepting the bare minimum of what they can give me because I don't want to be the one that gives up... I don't want my needs to get in the way of what they want... and how far has that gotten me??
I have finally realized that I need to respect how I feel abotu things and be ok that I want more.
Letting go of him, of the potential relationship is very difficult for me because I wanted it so badly... I wanted my happy ever after... NOW.
But I trully see the growth that has occured in me, where I can step back and say... I can't do this because its not EXACTLY what I want, and I'm not getting what I need out of it.
So, I think I feel right now that he trully is one of my soul mates, but not in the way I had hoped. That in the space he created by just being in my life... he showed me how I can say no to men, brought me back to a place where I value sex and passion again. He reminded me of what I believe in and what I am passionate about. He reminded me how I want to be better than I am right now in EVERY way. He showed me what it was like to love, and be accepted. He showed me that I deserved to be loved and appreciated... He showed me how much I have grown around my mom. He encouraged me in deciding to not stay in Korea but pursue my dream of travelling in South East Asia. And ultimately he gave me the space to realize that I need more than he is capable of giving... He has given me SOOOOO much. I feel so blessed that we found eachother again.
I realize that in order for me to learn these lessons so quickly it couldn't have been anyone other than him because we started off on such a trusting foot.... that I got to bypass all the stupid shit and just get right down to the nitty gritty.
He also allowed me to see how I behave at the start of relatioships.. how easy it is for me to want to give up everything that I hold as valuable in order for a guy to like me back... how needy I can be...etc.
He trully is a soul mate.. and cracked me open, showed me everything I am and everything I'm not... and well I guess he just had a very short shelf life...
and although there are parts of me that feel sad about letting this one go.. I ultimately feel that that is the greatest lesson of all, and that Korea really was all about that lesson for me... Letting go...
I decided today that I am not coming back here, well not right away. I need to completely let go and just let things work themselves out... Trust that the Universe will keep providing me with everything i need, cause well it's certainly done its job so far!
Soul Mates trully come in so many varieties... they teach you things, open your eyes to whats important.. they connect on a soul level with you.. reflect you... and when there is nothing more to learn, they leave.
I don't know what will come out of this... in the end this will ultimately be my giving him space.. but this time its on my terms... and well he knows he can come find me when and if he's ever ready for being up for the challenge of giving me what I need in return...
Got to go to bed.
I really felt connected to that line when I read it a few years ago.. and it could be no more closer to the truth than what I am feeling right now.
The guy I wrote you about a month ago, I feel really is a soul mate. But perhaps not in the way that I wanted him to be. He's amazing, and nothing has changed about how I feel about him, except for how I feel about myself.
He's amazing and we still connect on this really core level. He lost his mom last spring, and having another person to talk about what its like, and perhaps give some input on the path of dealing with such a loss has been really special for me. Not to mention having so much in common.
From the get go I felt like we were on the same page... and he kept alluding to having something more between us, everything I felt, he would say, like sharing our lives together, seeing where this goes, travelling.. etc. But from our initial phone conversation, he also kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he didn't think that he would be a great boyfriend right now, that he needed his space. He was dealing with his stuff, and needed to deal with it on his own.
I think I was very blind to what he was saying, or atleast, now I realize that I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to be able to be the girl without any expectations, that could give him the space he needs, and just accept the relationship as it was... but there was always this hope that it would flourish into something more.. and with that comes a want to be in communication.
I am the kind of person that needs to be in constant communication. I need to be reassured that everything is ok. I need to know what is going on... I've always fought against those tendencies because I am aware that they can be slightly over bearing at times.. and with this guy he was even saying so... but they are consistently there, and I can't ignore them.
So our communications have gotten to be less and less frequent over the past month. Then he ended up calling a few weeks ago and we had this amazing conversation and he ended up telling me he loves me... and that he considers me one of his soul mates.
I was bouncing off the walls. I had never had a guy say anything like that to me before.. and so it was extra special for me.. and with that came a want to talk to him constantly... well by this weekend it ended up being 2 weeks since i had heard from him... absolutely NO communication.. and considering it was Valentine's Day, i was also hoping to hear from him, because he's as close to a boy friend as I have right now.
I didn't think much of it, but by Monday I wa feeling pretty sad... and realized I was super dissapointed.
As a result I decided to tell him, because considering he is on the other side of the world, there's no room for hoping someone knows how you feel... you have to spell it out.. So I did.
I sent him an e-mail telling him that I was hurt... that I know its alot of pressure, and that he's said that he wants his space, but still I have to be honest, and I'm hurt....
He ended up writing me back the next morning.. basically telling me that he's been incredibly busy, that he barely has time for himself and therefor has no time for talking to me... that he was sorry that he hurt my feelings, but that he didn't think that it would be something that I would expect from him considering we were not in a relationship...
He then went on to tell me that he felt an incredible amont of pressure from me... that he has told me countless times that he needs his space and that I can't seem to give it to him... That I have expectations that he just can't fill, that iits all very draining on him.
I realized that I was loving him the way that I want to be loved, calling, writing e-mails, being in constant communication... and that that's not what he needs right now... BUT in realizing that I also realized that I DO need that... and how much I have grown in the past year gave me the space to tell myself that that was ok.
And so I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.. I can't pretend that I don't want more, that its ok that he doesn't talk to me for weeks... that I don't want to share every moment of my life with him... I realized that THAT is just me and that its fine. That he was right all along, but that I had to figure it out on my own.. for myself... and so..
I've decided to let go.
I've realized that I trully deserve everything that I want... and that includes someone that wants to talk to me all the time, that wants to share their life with me... who is in a place where they CAN give themselves and their time...
I think that I have spent so much of my time with men accepting the bare minimum of what they can give me because I don't want to be the one that gives up... I don't want my needs to get in the way of what they want... and how far has that gotten me??
I have finally realized that I need to respect how I feel abotu things and be ok that I want more.
Letting go of him, of the potential relationship is very difficult for me because I wanted it so badly... I wanted my happy ever after... NOW.
But I trully see the growth that has occured in me, where I can step back and say... I can't do this because its not EXACTLY what I want, and I'm not getting what I need out of it.
So, I think I feel right now that he trully is one of my soul mates, but not in the way I had hoped. That in the space he created by just being in my life... he showed me how I can say no to men, brought me back to a place where I value sex and passion again. He reminded me of what I believe in and what I am passionate about. He reminded me how I want to be better than I am right now in EVERY way. He showed me what it was like to love, and be accepted. He showed me that I deserved to be loved and appreciated... He showed me how much I have grown around my mom. He encouraged me in deciding to not stay in Korea but pursue my dream of travelling in South East Asia. And ultimately he gave me the space to realize that I need more than he is capable of giving... He has given me SOOOOO much. I feel so blessed that we found eachother again.
I realize that in order for me to learn these lessons so quickly it couldn't have been anyone other than him because we started off on such a trusting foot.... that I got to bypass all the stupid shit and just get right down to the nitty gritty.
He also allowed me to see how I behave at the start of relatioships.. how easy it is for me to want to give up everything that I hold as valuable in order for a guy to like me back... how needy I can be...etc.
He trully is a soul mate.. and cracked me open, showed me everything I am and everything I'm not... and well I guess he just had a very short shelf life...
and although there are parts of me that feel sad about letting this one go.. I ultimately feel that that is the greatest lesson of all, and that Korea really was all about that lesson for me... Letting go...
I decided today that I am not coming back here, well not right away. I need to completely let go and just let things work themselves out... Trust that the Universe will keep providing me with everything i need, cause well it's certainly done its job so far!
Soul Mates trully come in so many varieties... they teach you things, open your eyes to whats important.. they connect on a soul level with you.. reflect you... and when there is nothing more to learn, they leave.
I don't know what will come out of this... in the end this will ultimately be my giving him space.. but this time its on my terms... and well he knows he can come find me when and if he's ever ready for being up for the challenge of giving me what I need in return...
Got to go to bed.
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