The hardest things

You know that little voice in your head that tells you to do something, you know its probably the right thing to do but there are so many ifs, your stomach hurts at the thought. You have a million and one reasons why you shouldn't do it... this happens when you should leave that job you hate, leave that partner who isn't good for you...making bug life decisions, where the unknown really is scary. But its those moments - I think- that when you get older you look back and say "why did it take me soooo long to do that, or worse - why didn't I EVER do that.

I had that feeling when I was dating my ex - the you-should-just- leave feeling - but I had a thousand reasons why I shouldn't, couldn't, didn't want to.... I know it would probably be better for me, but I just couldn't figure how to leave... where to go, how to survive.. whether it was the best decision... ultimately he made that decision for me.. and thank-god he did.....

So here I am again... Leaving.

Two years ago I planned this trip to India, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, and China. But I ended up in Africa volunteering.

I'm in this place where I know there's more for me than working at my current job.. The world has more planned for me... its just up to me to actually make it happen.. and that I can be small and live a cozy life, or I could just embrace that my life will never be conventional.

Going to Korea scares the SHIT out of me.. and that's why i know its one of those moments for me.. it feels sooo right, but I'm so scared...doing something for me for once.... closer to my dream trip.. closer in geography and financially!

Its funny how the things you know are your "destiny" are always the ones that scare the shit out of you... they are the ones that say "you know if you do this you will never be the same.. you will grow, you will evolve and you will never be the person you are right now.. EVER AGAIN."

I think I'm really scared of growing... leaving this person behind... I've always just wanted to be accepted.. been liked... been normal and I find it very hard to embrace that I'm not conventional.. that underneath all my layers I know I will NEVER be that person with the house the car, the husband, the kids, the job in downtown Toronto. Part of me wants it SOOOOOOOO badly. But then this other side of me knows...
I won't be surprised if I end up never having that conventional life.

That going to Korea is that first stepping stone to the rest of my life.. but that the destination is so far away you can't really see where the path leads.. you just know that its leading somewhere.
Robert Frost said it perfectly.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i don't think there's more to say tonight.....

The TRUTH about me and sex

So, over the past year I have grown considerably. I would have to say this is probably the best year of my life. I feel like life is starting to make a little more sense. What I know... I love to write. This blog started with my friends saying that I had such ridiculous stories and was so funny I needed to start a blog. What I realize is that much of my blog over the past year has really painted this very singular picture of me, and that I actually prevent myself from writing about more serious topics. I don't really open up about who I am... what I'm REALLY like... IT's sorta ironic.. this blog is sort of a purge but I hide all the good things about me.

I realized that I turned into this woman who wrote so that there was a certain type of guy that thought I was funny - I talk like a guy about sex and relationships...

How do I say this. I feel that I've been writing on here almost like I'm trying to impress a certain demographic of men... Here's the thing about me... I'm a little more sensitive, deep and whole than a lot of what I write puts forth...

There are so many thoughts going on in my mind right now I don't know how to vocalize it.

Let's start here...

Last night I had a moment.

It was our work Christmas party... I got sooo drunk. The party ended at around 9:30pm. everyone went home. The place cleared out... I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be by myself. So I conclude that i mine as well get laid.. I mean , I'm drunk, lonely and horny... why not. So I call 3 guys.

First guy I haven't seen since Superbowl... had an exam tomorrow... so was unavailable.
Second guy I've slept with twice and he is the most recent guy I've been sleeping with. He was busy with work stuff.

Third guy: it was this guy that I met in the summer. We went on a "date" we just went to a patio in August... chilled out, chatted. He was cute, but I was really trying to just "date" men and see if something more substantial could work out for me instead of just sexual relationships. Even though he was a nice guy we never saw each other again. There were a few reasons... one was that he didn't drink, we didn't have much in common... it was just one of those things. We talked on msn after we met and he told me that he would love to explore something sexual with me, that he thought I'd be alot of fun. He told me a few of the things he notice I do when I'm flirting.. things that I never knew I do. He was very observant.. and intrigued me.

So he was my last hope last night. I texted him.
He texted me back.
this is the conversation:
me: what are you up to?
him: nothing why?
cause I'm drunk
looking to have some fun?
ya
what do you want.. details....
naw I'm being silly- now here is when i start rethinking the whole thing.. that I shouldn't just sleep with him, that I know that it's not going to REALLY satisfy what I want in that moment.
just cock teasing again..all bark and no bite
k
are you mad now?
no

So I called. I wasn't mad at all. So I just called him and told him that I did really want to come over... and do dirty things.. he said that I could come over and see what happens.

I got there.. and gave him a hug and a kiss, had a beer, we watched comedy and cuddled on the couch. I kissed him a few times... around 12 he said that it was getting late and that he really didn't feel like doing anything else. He asked if he could drive me home...

Although a little disappointed it was said with such sincerity, I said of course. I told him not to worry about it.

He drove me home.

On our way home he told me that he really appreciated that I understood. THat he felt that he could just be himself around me, that he really appreciated that I didn't judge him. He said that when I wrote him he was a little apprehensive about me coming over because he didn't want to really do anything with me right away.... but that he really wanted to see me, that I have a way of listening to people where you can tell that they have my undivided attention. That he was surprised that I remembered things about him...

He told me a few personal things about himself... and he just said thanks. It was the nicest thing a guy had EVER said to me. And... it was the nicest thing in the whole world to be drunk and have a guy that was clearly attracted to me, say that he didn't want to sleep with me. It was an amazing feeling... and well I cracked...

This is why I think that if I sleep with a guy right away I can't date them... because I get this feeling when someone says they won't sleep with me. I have sex with random people to fill this void in me... the comfort.

I heard this somewhere recently.. its the moment right after sex that you lie in his arms... that moment that you crave. Its that moment I want, that safe, Divine, perfect moment. I crave that touch, that bond, that experience.. and I have just gotten used to quenching that craving with random sex.

I also realize that I have this notion that its all men ever want from me... and every time a guy sleeps with me it proves to me that I'm right.

I'm having a real hard time articulating what I'm thinking.

Every time I'm single, how detached from sex I am, gets worse and worse. I guess I feel that I use it to prevent me from getting hurt..... If I know what you really want is sex.. then I know I can provide... its easy.

Now don't get me wrong.. I really do enjoy having sex.. I just think that most girls aren't like me because for alot of people sex is alot more important to them. I think that its just become something so unimportant because its never mattered to anyone I've slept with....

how's that for a statement?

I have never had sex with someone where it matters to them.

The three boyfriends I have had, and slept with - all cheated on me.
I have never been told "I love you" from a man that I'm in a relationship with....

So why should it mean anything to me???
The irony? I can't hide from the fact that underneath all this make-believe.. it still does mean something...I just don't know what...

So I cracked last night... I rambled on about how nice it was that the man I was with said those things to me.. I told him that I'm just so used to guys just wanting sex that it meant alot to me that he wasn't that way. I kissed him on his cheek and said goodnight.

The truth about me and sex: I want to have sex that actually means something... I really want to be in love...it makes me sad.

This is the truth.. it doesn't mean that I will stop having sex with people I'm not dating... I don't really know how to be any other way....

but SHHH don't tell anyone.