Something has been happening with me this month... I've been sick more than usual... And I've been feeling atrange... Delving deep into my own psyche trying to release what ever I'm holding on to.
I've got myself watching long island medium for the fort time. I saw the very last moments every week when I tuned in to watch long lost family. And every time I saw it I would tell myself it's a load of crap.... And then it occured to myself that I say that and yet in the hidden parts of me I think I may have more psychic abilities than I give myself credit for...
So I started to watch it.... And it rang on a chord deep inside...
There is something about my mother that I have to figure out.
A flash from an episode of Grey's anatomy.... Recently she referred to her mother's ashes being dumped down the drain at the hospital... Its been years since that episode... But her ashes were kept in her closet and then finally one day she knew what to do.
I went to a local medium this week... She's learning and I'm learning but one thing she said to me that got a chord was that I am already channeling my mother and that maybe I needed to ask her to step back.
What does that even mean?
I pulled a tarot card from a new OSHO deck I bought that talked about reaching a point in my life whan a person relinques their parents thoughts and becomes their own person.
Have I not done that??
I was thinking recently where I was at this point when I was 9 months old. (my daughter is 9 months old)
And it was about this time my mom was losing her house and going bankrupt. When I shared that with the medium she said you know you don't have to relive your moms life? I know that.. But it allows me to recognize the scars in my heart... And how far I've come to be thankful and heal those spaces...
But am I caught up in that? What do I need to do to mature? I'm so suffocated by fear... By low self esteem.
And then tonight it occured to me that I need to put closure to my childhood.y mother's ashes are in my closet. It was right before I got pregnant that I finally went to my step family's farm and retrieved them from the hill.
Its time to say goodbye. Its time to let go. Its time to put it all to rest and live my life from my perspective.
My hope is some of them at the grave site with her parents and sister, some at the Sharma center, some at dreamers rock, some given to her best friends and closest family to sprinkle where they want... And the rest in the ocean out west.
I need to see my father again and witness his eyes meet delilah's.
I am scared to write my book... I am scared to share who I truly am with the world... The only way I can past this year is of I finally close the book. Finally finish the story come full circle.
Its 2 years since I said good bye to my father... I met someone yesterday who gave me a phone number for the Irish Embassy to encourage me to get my citizenship. The signs are pointing towards healing those last few parts of my childhood.
And being vulnerable to the fact that I was just trying to survive... How I coped and what I've done have been my school... And I have found the most amazing partner to be my compsnion, to raise Delilah with love and compassion and play.
I have broken karma by allowing my heart to explore the many facets of life... That this blog represents a tiny fraction of the depth of experience I have and there is nothing to be ashamed of in allowing others to let them see themselves in their own hearts and cherish their own experience... So one day each one and the world can know peace.
